Stung Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 I also wanted to elope, but it was kind of impossible because of the kids, and my mom would have had a hard time with it--we ended up having a small immediate-family-only wedding, 12 people total (that's including the bride and groom). My stepdaughter was both best man and maid-of-honor, my favorite cousin was deputized by the state and he married us. We rented three cabins on a tiny private beach for a week, had the ceremony on a weathered-silver deck over the bay, then we fired up the BBQ and had a picnic. Tons of champagne and cheesecake. I was wearing jeans and sandals, but I did have a kind of bride-y tunic. My husband and I stayed in the cabin right on the water, our parents and kids stayed in the other two. We spent a week there, hiking and beachcombing and playing board games with the family, going wine-tasting and getting couples massages and cuddling by the fire just the two of us while the grandparents babysat. It was tiny and casual but romantic, very very personal, didn't take much planning, wasn't hugely stressful, and didn't cost very much compared to the average wedding these days--especially considering we'd wrapped our honeymoon into it. In a year or two when our son is a little older we plan to take a more traditional "honeymoon"--you know, the kind where you don't bring your parents and children along with you
Ruby Slippers Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 It's not just about the jewelry for me. I also hate surprise parties. Any elaborate plan behind my back (not like "I'm planning a surprise trip" and not telling me all the details, but giving me enough to pack and feel a part of it --- that kind of thing I like and is fine by me and even romantic) feels a bit like a betrayal to me, or at the very least makes me feel left out. I like to feel I'm a part of thing. If a guy spent months thinking about whether or not to propose, saving up money, buying a ring, planning the right time and place, and then did it, I'd feel like it was a lot orchestrated behind my back is all. I'm not saying it IS a betrayal for someone to propose, obviously. Only if they do it to ME, as I don't like that sort of thing and make it very clear I want completely open communication and no secrets. Planning a proposal takes secrets. Even happy secrets are unacceptable to me. I think you have some control freak tendencies.
zengirl Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 I think you have some control freak tendencies. See, I think planning something so important in secret is controlling, and it's precisely why I'm not a fan.
Velociraptor Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 Who says so? When that law get passed? Well you can claim to be old-fashioned but you'd be LYING. There's a difference between being old-fashioned and old-fashioned only when it's to your benefit(Which is what those women are).
Ruby Slippers Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 See, I think planning something so important in secret is controlling, and it's precisely why I'm not a fan. It's not controlling. It's a surprise. The element of surprise is scientifically proven to generate zing/sparks/chemistry. I just planned some birthday surprises for a friend with his partner, and we had nothing but the most caring intentions. I can't imagine if he had told us he thought we were being controlling for keeping some birthday surprises secret! Anyway, if you think you've ever going to know ALL another person's secrets, well, that's just a fairy tale. Don't you have secrets, things you will NEVER tell anyone? Everybody does.
zengirl Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 It's not controlling. It's a surprise. The element of surprise is scientifically proven to generate zing/sparks/chemistry. I just planned some birthday surprises for a friend with his partner, and we had nothing but the most caring intentions. I can't imagine if he had told us he thought we were being controlling for keeping some birthday surprises secret! Anyway, if you think you've ever going to know ALL another person's secrets, well, that's just a fairy tale. Don't you have secrets, things you will NEVER tell anyone? Everybody does. No, I don't have things I'd never tell the man I'm going to marry. Nor do my parents keep anything secret from each other. I think it's one thing to have a surprise like "Hey, I'm going to take you on a surprise trip" and keeping the details a surprise, but I've seen the stress of the "Will he or won't he?" proposals and I don't think that is a caring dynamic, really. People should not be insecure about where their partner is with their relationship if they are that serious with each other. . . or at least I don't want a relationship like that. My step-father did not "surprise" my mother with the proposal. They had great talks about it, worked out all the details together, and went and bought a ring together. Seems way more like a partnership to me that way than waiting around for a man to surprise me with his intentions. I don't want zing/sparks/chemistry that is intentionally manufactured. The kinds of surprises I think are controlling and bad are ones like pretending to forget a friend's birthday in order to throw a surprise party, not like not telling them every little bit. I personally don't like being "tricked" but I don't have to know everything. Just don't "trick" me in order to surprise me or keep important information from me about our emotional relationship or future, is what I ask. I've surprised friends with special gifts and such, but they weren't anything that would change our relationship or catch them off-guard in any way. Also, surprise public proposals are the worst. I've been the victim of one, had to say yes (so as not to completely embarass the man I loved) and then take it back later. Nothing but hurtful, really.
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