change Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 My wife left me three weeks ago. We'd had marital problems for the last three years of a seven year marriage. (Largely my problems which she asked me to address at the time, but I didn't see -- clinical depression which led to a sexless marriage.) I'm in treatment now and making the changes that I've always needed to make in my life. We're living separately, but cooperating on finances. We're not dividing up stuff yet. We're co-parenting our cat (who is like our child to both of us). We're both invested in attending weekly MC. My wife is not ready to date me yet because I have always "talked a good game" (her words; they're true), and she needs to really see that the changes I'm taking are more than the first steps before she'll consider us seriously again. I get that. Really. My wife also states that she does not have any attraction to me at present. She feels a lot of fear of rejection and lack of trust. She's not sure what's left under that and what feelings can/will come back/are still there. During this separation we are both seeing IC and working on ourselves. She is also planning to casually date other people -- for reasons that do make sense to me based on the issues that she has to work through in terms of boundary setting and self-esteem from the rejection she felt from my lack of interest in sex the past few years. For the aforementioned reasons, she is not ready to date me again. She's isn't sure when she will be, but she's doesn't want to close the door either. We have back our EXCELLENT communication. We have back a guarded, but really great closeness, that disappeared a couple years ago. We're still deeply compatible people that enjoy each other's company. We're both dedicated to seeing what we can get from MC. We're working on building trust and having fun together as friends for the moment, despite the fact that she's on the fence (unwilling to make promises?) about our future -- and I'm desperately in love with her still and see us making a solid go at it again. I'm... not sure what I'm looking for here. She said she really sees that things are different this time; otherwise we wouldn't be having all of the challenging, draining conversations we're having. She would be emotionally out the door and gone entirely. She's not. Has anyone else been in this situation before? On either side of the situation? Feedback? Similar experience? Advice on rebuilding a friendship with overt intention to see if something else is there or can return in the end? I see a lot of divorces (at least among friends/family) where people can't stand to be around each other. Or discovered that they're totally incompatible. My wife and I both feel like we're in "uncharted waters."
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