chelle21689 Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 I've been seeing this guy for 9 weeks and we usually talk every night on average of an hour and half, sometimes more. We see each other once a week on the weekends. I am very attracted to this guy, I like him and have no interest in other guys. He's open-minded, makes me laugh, big gentleman, same views, adventurous, and responsible. He's a great catch and there are sparks but I doubt myself because I'm not sure if there's a connection and I'm scared of that. I always worry what I will say when I talk to him because it's a struggle for conversation sometimes. I've never dated an introvert because I am one too...so usually I'm around extroverts and they fill the silence. I'm pretty talkative when I want to be though. The weird thing with this guy is that we can talk for HOURS easily sometimes! We can joke, have fun, and we don't want to get off the phone....but other times it's so hard to think of what to talk about.... In person sometimes we're comfortable, joking around, and talking...and again sometimes we don't have much to talk about and it's silent. BUT sometime the silence is comfortable..LOL. It's like it's an on and off thing...That's why I'm so confused. I'm not sure if this is normal because I never dated anyone else before. I've only had one bf and that was a different situation because I wasn't attracted to him when I got to know him/dated him at first and it helped we were friends before. With this guy I very much am.
Jynxx Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 An hour and a half a day is an eternity and of course you will run out of things to say and get bored with eachother and the relationship will burn out quick. Cut it down a bit, 20-30 min per day would be alot better imo.
Author chelle21689 Posted April 19, 2011 Author Posted April 19, 2011 I guess you may have a point but I hear people say that a connection is when you can talk to someone for hours and hours every time but also sit in silence comfortably.
OliveOyl Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 I am very attracted to this guy, I like him and have no interest in other guys. He's open-minded, makes me laugh, big gentleman, same views, adventurous, and responsible. He's a great catch and there are sparks but I doubt myself because I'm not sure if there's a connection and I'm scared of that. I always worry what I will say when I talk to him because it's a struggle for conversation sometimes. I've never dated an introvert because I am one too...so usually I'm around extroverts and they fill the silence. I'm pretty talkative when I want to be though. The weird thing with this guy is that we can talk for HOURS easily sometimes! We can joke, have fun, and we don't want to get off the phone....but other times it's so hard to think of what to talk about.... In person sometimes we're comfortable, joking around, and talking...and again sometimes we don't have much to talk about and it's silent. BUT sometime the silence is comfortable..LOL. It's like it's an on and off thing...That's why I'm so confused. I've bolded what seems to be a contradiction. There are sparks, you can talk for hours... and yet you're worried there's not a connection. That sounds like a connection to me... Are the sparks physical too? Also... it's very hard to sit in silence comfortably if it's over the phone....
Author chelle21689 Posted April 20, 2011 Author Posted April 20, 2011 Because sometimes conversation is a struggle. I feel like I throw out a lot of good topics to talk about that are open-ended to learn about a person and sometimes he isn't good on a follow up comment. For example. "I like dogs because they're so loyal and you can teach them cool tricks!" Him: "Yeah I like dogs too, teaching them tricks are nice." Something a long those lines...It's like he doesn't know how to add his opinion and thoughts on something or his perspective. If I ask him what he thinks about something he'll say he doesn't really know...he'll take a long time to think about it.. It's so weird. I've never met anyone that had a hard time spitting out their perspective. It's the easiest thing ever.
welikeincrowds Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Have you ever considered that dogs are a boring subject? Just kidding. Look, if you spend a lot of time with someone, there's going to be silence. You just don't notice it with people you're comfortable with, because it's a natural ebb and flow. But with a new guy that you want to impress, you're hyper alert and vigilant, and that gets in the way. And some conversation may seem stilted or forced because of it. Just forgive yourself for it, it happens and it goes away, too. Also, OliveOyl makes a great point, silence on the phone is weird and most people segue into hanging up when it happens. And Jynxx is also right, an hour and a half a day is a damn eternity. If you like him and you're able to talk about stuff that's important to you then I don't see how it's a problem. You may find that you prefer extroverts, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try something new for now. By the way, you may be less introverted than you seem to realize. Extroverts tend to be the ones that spit out their perspective like it's the easiest thing ever.
Author chelle21689 Posted April 20, 2011 Author Posted April 20, 2011 I figured by 8 weeks we should be comfortable around another by now. I think we talk more than we see each other definitely. Usually we're hanging out in groups when we're together and rarely have a chance to be alone, and when we are it's usually fun or awkward. I really do like him and I'd be disappointed if it's not going to get any better with feeling awkward...I can't have anything to compare to in how I am in dating because like I said I've been with ONE guy for years...and we started off as friends and I didn't like him. I kinda think maybe I should try to bring it up and see if he feels the same way I do. I have a feeling he might see nothing wrong with it because he always wants to talk to me. I don't even mind there being silence, I just like hearing his voice because it's comforting.
somedude81 Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 You must be really young. Talking for hours on the phone every night is torture! Give the guy a break and stop worrying over nothing. If you don't have anything interesting to talk about then don't feel that you have to keep talking.
AmEricanWomann Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Sounds like there's a connection, but you're making the mistake of trying to force things to be the way you think they should be instead of taking them as they are. Why do you HAVE to speak for an hour and a half a night? Like one of the previous posters said, just cut it down. A half hour is plenty, especially if you speak every day. It sounds as if you have a "quota" of conversation that you think you must fill. It also sounds like he's a quiet guy by nature, but he likes you and is trying to please you by making himself talk more than he’s used to, but if you force him, you will eventually push him away. Meanwhile you are making yourself paranoid by worrying that there's something wrong if he doesn't answer all of your conversation starters with a five minute spoken essay. The thing is, it will become a self-fulfilling prophesy. In other words, if you keep worrying about it, keep wanting him to fill the silence, he'll sense your stress and discomfort, and become uncomfortable himself. So the natural connection that you have will eventually burn out. Just ease up on yourself and him. Don't try to force conversation and maybe even go a few days without talking on the phone. If you do that, you may find that you have more things to talk about again and the conversation will flow smoother. But ultimately you just have to relax.
Irishlove Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Your age has nothing to do with talking on the phone. I'm almost 40 and I find myself doing from time to time. I agree Chelle with what you say about sitting in silence. Why are you always on the phone though? Do you not live where you can see each other in person? What if you write some topics on a paper before you talk to him? Like talking about his brothers or sisters, share stories of your childhood. Talk about school and friends and high school, middle school. Likes, dislikes of certain things. Stay away from politics and religion. I personally would like a guy who knows how to be quiet. People who talk and talk and talk drive me nuts and make me want to pull my hair out. Also, whoever told you that the one you fall in love with is going to be like a fairytale is a lie. It takes time. You have to do things together. Hear his laugh, hold his hand. You can't get sparks over a phone unless it gets hit by lightening.
runner Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 if you want a better connexion, more face time and less phone time is important. i usually top my phone calls to 15-20 mins; all you really need are two things in a phone call: establish you still care to see him/her again, and solidify those plans.
Author chelle21689 Posted April 20, 2011 Author Posted April 20, 2011 Hey, I feel like he's the one that needs to give ME a break! LOL The other night I didn't call and the next day he asked, "Were you busy last night? I didn't hear from you." He wants to talk every day. I don't know how to tell him I want to talk less without making it seem like I'm less interested! I guess I can try inviting him over to my place for the first time I think I read too many articles online where people say you found a "soul mate" (lmao) if you can talk for hours on end without stopping!
runner Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 i'm assuming you have a life outside this guy, and genuinely have things to do. if so then focus on that and if he calls while you're being focused, let it go to voicemail. and if he gets all butt-hurt over it cos you didn't tuck him in and say goodnight then he might be the clingy/needy type- do you really want that ? i'm sure the attention flatters you, but you gotta do something if you want this connexion to be more physical and not over the phone.
Author chelle21689 Posted April 20, 2011 Author Posted April 20, 2011 Yeah, I am usually busy. I've actually have been the clingy type in my last relationship but I've grown since then trying to keep busy and have a life! I guess the tables kinda turn. I guess since we're not committed I don't owe him anything but I feel guilty if it makes him feel bad.
Author chelle21689 Posted April 20, 2011 Author Posted April 20, 2011 @Irish Love, I think we covered almost everything to think about. Including all you've mentioned
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