Jump to content

Not sure if I'm wrong for thinking this way....

formerly.Devoted

By formerly.Devoted
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

formerly.Devoted New Member

formerly.Devoted

Posted
Posted

I will try to make this short and to the point since thats my nature anyway.

 

Before I married my wife after 4.5 years together I asked her if she was going to be able to give me 2 things in the marriage. Without being to detailed one was sexual in nature the other just general. So far she has tried or is doing more than she was but still not meeting either thing I asked for.

 

I feel betrayed.

 

I bought books including his needs, her needs <only one we both read and we both loved the book. However, I found myself telling her things we both read and talked about in the book like its brand new to her.

 

Next she asked me to pay off her car and she would increase the amount of savings she put in for the family. This lasted 3 months and then stopped completely and I mean ZERO. I asked her about it at one point and told her I felt like doing this was a blatant slap to the face and she said she could understand that and did nothing afterwards(3 months ago)

 

again I feel betrayed,

 

I really am tired of being the person trying to make moves to help the family (2 kids), I am tired of feeling like I am the only one putting in effort.

 

My questions are

Am I being unreasonable?

Am I being impatient at the 2 year mark?

Should I compromise my happiness and accept the lies?

What are my choices?

 

Any other honest suggestions would be helpful.

 

Thanks in advance

StoneCold Established Member

StoneCold

Posted
Posted

Am I being unreasonable?

 

no

 

Am I being impatient at the 2 year mark?

 

no

 

Should I compromise my happiness and accept the lies?

 

no

 

What are my choices?

 

stay...or go (easier said than done though)

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

Posted
Posted

I know it sounds inquisitive, but irt would help to know the two things you asked her.

You say one was sexual in nature.

well, that could be anything between "let me look at you naked while I masturbate" (reasonable) to "you must let me bind you hand and foot and beat you with a leather strap while I sodomise you" (which for me, would be unacceptable).....

 

So while on the face of it, you sound like a man cheated of what you expected - I don't think we can really evaluate that for sure.

 

Also, do her finances permit her to pay you back, or have things changed?

 

Who earns more money?

And do you not have a joint account for things like that?

  • Author
formerly.Devoted New Member

formerly.Devoted

Posted
  • Author
Posted

StoneCold | you are true to your name lol, I appreciate the honesty

 

Tara. | lol, nothing wild like that and although I would give up more details if needed, does it matter if it was agreed to? Keep in mind as well that nothing has changed about the request, not like a moving target type deal.

 

You could say cheated of the expectations does apply, but I think its one thing to have a silient expectation and another to have brought the expectations to light, although possibly not presented with the potential detriment that the lack of execution is making me face.

 

I earned more on a contract overseas when I made the payoffs, now im unemployed until I relocate (as planned).

 

No joint account, she actually does make more $$ now with a new job but I think insurance that she covers on her job did increase. Also if its not apparent there was o discussion with me about changes that would impact the agreement we had before. We had talked about the joint account but she never went to the bank to be added, so it hasnt been done (4 months)

xxoo Established Member

xxoo

Posted
Posted
Tara. | lol, nothing wild like that and although I would give up more details if needed, does it matter if it was agreed to? Keep in mind as well that nothing has changed about the request, not like a moving target type deal.

 

She agreed to something 4.5 years ago. That's a long time to expect everyone to feel exactly the same about it.

 

The request didn't change, but did the relationship change in ways to make her less willing?

 

Have you asked her why she is no longer willing to do what she agreed to do? Does her point of view matter to you?

  • Author
formerly.Devoted New Member

formerly.Devoted

Posted
  • Author
Posted
She agreed to something 4.5 years ago. That's a long time to expect everyone to feel exactly the same about it.

 

The request didn't change, but did the relationship change in ways to make her less willing?

 

Have you asked her why she is no longer willing to do what she agreed to do? Does her point of view matter to you?

 

 

I asked 2 years ago, not 4.5 ago sorry if I was unclear on that. She hasnt told me anything changed and her reply is shes going to get there. I'm just not sold on the mission 24 months in. In y small mind I tihnk you can do anything you want to do in 2 years and hlaf of what you dont want do.

StoneCold Established Member

StoneCold

Posted
Posted
I asked 2 years ago, not 4.5 ago sorry if I was unclear on that. She hasnt told me anything changed and her reply is shes going to get there. I'm just not sold on the mission 24 months in. In y small mind I tihnk you can do anything you want to do in 2 years and hlaf of what you dont want do.

 

ok dude what did you ask for? :)

 

 

I'm skeptical about "I'm going to get there".... heard that many times and they never do.....but thats just my experience

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

Posted
Posted

You need to find a mediator/counsellor.

If your needs aren't being met and she's being selfish, then it's a losing situation you have there.

Marriage is a contract between two people. it's a living, breathing thing that needs maintenance, regular maintenance, an overhaul now and then, and servicing.

You're both mechanics who need to keep the machinery running smoothly.

If one of you is doing all the monkey work, while the other one is standing there, hand in pocket drinking coffee....

 

well.... you get the picture. ;)

xxoo Established Member

xxoo

Posted
Posted
I asked 2 years ago, not 4.5 ago sorry if I was unclear on that. She hasnt told me anything changed and her reply is shes going to get there. I'm just not sold on the mission 24 months in. In y small mind I tihnk you can do anything you want to do in 2 years and hlaf of what you dont want do.

 

Thanks for the clarification :)

 

These 2 things--Was she doing them premarriage, and now stopped?

Or was she promising to begin new habits after marriage?

TigerCub Established Member

TigerCub

Posted
Posted

Why didn't you and your wife do what you wanted to do sexually before getting married? - why did you actually just ask her if she'd be willing to do it years from when you asked, versus just doing it then?

 

As for being cheated - yeah in a way I think you were, she said she'd be open to doing it, she didn't do it and when you asked her about it, she says 'yeah we'll get there' but there doesn't seem to be any movement towards "there" - so yeah, you kinda did get cheated a lil on that one.

 

But XO has a good point - sometimes as people change, what they thought they would or wouldn't do can change.

- that's kinda why I ask, why didn't you just do it at the time instead of just making her promise she'd do it later.

 

As for the money - that's complete and utter bulls**t - you guys are supposed to be partners, you're not supposed to be her credit card, to bail her out of debt as she selfishly squanders her own money on her.

You really did get screwed on that one.

  • Author
formerly.Devoted New Member

formerly.Devoted

Posted
  • Author
Posted
You need to find a mediator/counsellor.

If your needs aren't being met and she's being selfish, then it's a losing situation you have there.

Marriage is a contract between two people. it's a living, breathing thing that needs maintenance, regular maintenance, an overhaul now and then, and servicing.

You're both mechanics who need to keep the machinery running smoothly.

If one of you is doing all the monkey work, while the other one is standing there, hand in pocket drinking coffee....

 

well.... you get the picture. ;)

 

ahh I wondered if we were at that point yet, I guess it will have to wait until we move. thanks Tera

 

Thanks for the clarification :)

 

These 2 things--Was she doing them premarriage, and now stopped?

Or was she promising to begin new habits after marriage?

 

promising to begin after marriage she is a high religious type so it made sense, I guess lying doesnt fall into the whole highly religious aspect though :o

 

Why didn't you and your wife do what you wanted to do sexually before getting married? - why did you actually just ask her if she'd be willing to do it years from when you asked, versus just doing it then?

 

As for being cheated - yeah in a way I think you were, she said she'd be open to doing it, she didn't do it and when you asked her about it, she says 'yeah we'll get there' but there doesn't seem to be any movement towards "there" - so yeah, you kinda did get cheated a lil on that one.

 

But XO has a good point - sometimes as people change, what they thought they would or wouldn't do can change.

- that's kinda why I ask, why didn't you just do it at the time instead of just making her promise she'd do it later.

 

As for the money - that's complete and utter bulls**t - you guys are supposed to be partners, you're not supposed to be her credit card, to bail her out of debt as she selfishly squanders her own money on her.

You really did get screwed on that one.

 

go back and read again TC I asked BEFORE the nuptials, When I did ask it was to give myself a point of compromise. I knew she wouldnt be as open to things as I am and this was my middle ground for her to meet half way. Why didnt I ask years before, TBH I was fine where things were I never saw the GRAND benefits of marriage but if it meant a lot to her I would give it a shot was my thinking.

 

Thanks for the replies, I wondered if I was way off on thinking that, my buddy says I have to stay and such and I want to for my girls but its not goign well. I didnt even add the part that when she filled her taxes she got back about 500 less than the payoff was on her car and she hasnt offered anything to the "family savings"

 

Im starting to think a little time apart might be a good move while I relocate as planned and let her think things over for a few months. Then maybe get some counseling and see if there is a chance at that point. I know I need to remind myself why to keep trying cause I cant find that right now

xxoo Established Member

xxoo

Posted
Posted
promising to begin after marriage she is a high religious type so it made sense, I guess lying doesnt fall into the whole highly religious aspect though :o

 

So she promised to do something she had no experience doing. You married her knowing she had never demonstrated her capacity to meet the need.

 

It is difficult for me to label that as a "lie". It seems more likely she was naive, and hoped for the best.

 

You were both naive, and hoped for the best.

 

I agree that it sucks, but I'm not convinced that she deliberately mislead you. Maybe she did, but maybe she really thought that she could meet those needs....until she tried and realized she can't. Hard to say without knowing more about the situation....

TigerCub Established Member

TigerCub

Posted
Posted
promising to begin after marriage she is a high religious type so it made sense, I guess lying doesnt fall into the whole highly religious aspect though :o

 

 

go back and read again TC

Go back and read what? :confused:

You answered my question in the this very response!

 

It seems to me that you made the mistake of thinking that she can deliver on certain things that you never tried out (due to her religious beliefs) and she didn't.

 

She's a clever one - she got a ring, a husband, and financial security out of it and you got ... what exactly??

 

I think your idea of taking some time apart from her is good.

Especially when she exhibits such selfish behavior (I'm not just talking sexually).

  • Author
formerly.Devoted New Member

formerly.Devoted

Posted
  • Author
Posted
So she promised to do something she had no experience doing. You married her knowing she had never demonstrated her capacity to meet the need.

 

It is difficult for me to label that as a "lie". It seems more likely she was naive, and hoped for the best.

 

You were both naive, and hoped for the best.

 

I agree that it sucks, but I'm not convinced that she deliberately mislead you. Maybe she did, but maybe she really thought that she could meet those needs....until she tried and realized she can't. Hard to say without knowing more about the situation....

 

I could agree that she may not have intended to decieve but will that redefine it from a lie to unknowing deception? Should it not burn as bad this way? I could agree with naive if I had not asked for what I thought would help.

 

Go back and read what? :confused:

You answered my question in the this very response!

 

It seems to me that you made the mistake of thinking that she can deliver on certain things that you never tried out (due to her religious beliefs) and she didn't.

 

She's a clever one - she got a ring, a husband, and financial security out of it and you got ... what exactly??

 

I think your idea of taking some time apart from her is good.

Especially when she exhibits such selfish behavior (I'm not just talking sexually).

 

thanks I am leaning heavily that way. very heavily.

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...