Kelemort Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 Considering the nature of these forums, I thought that it would be interesting to have a thread on your dating defense mechanisms. Most of us have or have had problems in our relationships at some point, so it could be interesting to 'analyze' ourselves. Take note of where some of our behaviors in our relationships came from. For example - do you cheat every time that you're in a relationship? Do you have a reason why? Were one or both of your parents unfaithful, you fear commitment, etc.?
Leeway Harris Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 My parents were miserable together, and didn't separate until I was 20 years old. They fought a lot, and the family never felt stable to me. It ocurred to me recently that I don't have much faith in relationships, because I've never seen a good one. My father had problems with depression and anger. I grew up terrified that his life was all I had to look forward to when I became a man. I was not a part of a community. My parents were all I had. There were no relatives, friends, or anyone else that provided any kind of consistency or security in my life. I grew up lonely and sad, and I became convinced that it was normal. I was frequently rejected when I reached out to people. And almost as frequently abused, mostly by my peers. So I also grew up angry and resentful. And I thought that was normal too. So, my defense mechanisms are that I avoid contact with other people. I grew up thinking I was worthless, so when I am with other people, I don't feel I can be myself. And it's very hard work to be somebody else. It's totally exhausting. That's why I'm more likely to go home and go to bed than go out and meet people and make friends. Relationships can only go so far for me. I want a serious, long-term relationship, because it's a natural thing to want, but I also associate such relationships with terrible unhappiness, because that's the only kind I've seen. So I both want it, and am afraid of it. As lonely as I am being perpetually single, I don't know if I'll ever trust anyone enough to not make me even more miserable in a relationship. The behavior is, I generally choose unsuitable partners. Once in a while, I meet a woman I'm attracted to, or feel happy when I'm around. So I avoid her, because I don't know what to do with that. I don't trust it. And I don't feel, deep down, that I deserve it. Instead, I end up with women who don't make me happy, and we just go through the motions of a relationship until we can't pretend anymore. I try for as long as I can to be happy and grateful that some woman has accepted my scared, damaged self as a man. But eventually she sees through that, and it's over.
Intricategirl Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 I don't rely on anyone for anything. It's not that I think I can do everything by myself. It's that I assume I'm not going to get help anyway, so I never ask. And when help is offered, I usually turn it down because I figure they won't follow through and actually help. The last few years, this has become much more of a problem, and each subsequent relationship tends to make it that much worse. I also stick with relationships long past their sell-by date. I'm getting significantly better at this.
threebyfate Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 My natural defense mechanisms with dating or friendships is to shut down and distance. Once I ascertain that someone isn't worth the effort and investment, it's game over.
Lorelei_Lane Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 I'm quick to temper when I'm hurt, and lash out to hurt them before they hurt me more. That is a frequent problem with me and my husband. I also avoid confrontation like the plague. If people around me are getting upset or people are arguing, it makes me uncomfortable to the point of tears. That was a problem a year and a half ago with my husband's family. I'm not sure why arguing and such gets me upset, it just does.
fishtaco Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 I have a tendency to become passive aggressive. Because I know that about myself, I try really hard not to go there. I try to choose the low drama walk away solution instead. So sometimes I end up prematurely walking away because I was trying not to be passive aggressive. Leeway Harris - I grew up in similar situation as you. My parents fought daily. When I was with my mom, she'd blame everything on my dad. When I was with my dad, he'd blame everything on my mom. On top of that, my mom talked crap about my grand parents, and all of our relatives. My dad didn't really talk about his family. I think he disconnected from them a long time ago. As a result, I stopped trusting my parents, due to the fact that I get conflicting information from them. I would talk to them, but I had shut off communication since my early teens. I was never close to my relatives, because they were "bad people" as painted by my mom. My brother and I were close, until the early teenage years and his true personality came out. He's a user. I cut him off. My sister and I never really got close until late 20's, when our family finally imploded. We're still not close. Due to the way I grew up, I can't imagine being close to a family member. We do give each other recognition for being relatively sane, and we try to look out for each other when big things happen. Small everyday things, we very much lead separate lives. Never had family life to speak of. But materialistically, I was well provided for. Upper-middle class family. As a result, I didn't have to pay off any debts after my university years. That put me one step ahead of many other people. I thank my dad for that. My life experience only gives me even more bias to walk away in addition to how I use it as a crutch to stay away from being passive aggressive. And I'm not afraid of being alone, because I've always been alone. So I walk away too easily. Sometimes it's a good thing, the proverbial bullet dodged. But sometimes there are relationships worth fighting for. That part, I'm trying to work on.
daphne Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 Once I feel I can trust someone, I will do the work necessary to resolve conflict and get everyone's needs met. However, until that time, I tend to withdraw at the first sign of conflict. I have found the best person for me so far was someone who waited til I came back. I hate fighting and I hate drama. That's what I grew up with.
Ruby Slippers Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 I retreat into my shell and push him away to take away his power to hurt me. I only do this in romantic relationships, because I am much more emotional in them and the stakes feel a lot higher. I've made a LOT of progress on this, though, to the point where at most, what I will do now is say, "I need X amount of time to myself to clear my head and think about this." And most of the time, I will try to duke (or at least talk) it out and just get it done with.
SmileFace Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 I run at the first sign of danger. If it looks like it may be a problem, I am gone. I don't try to resolve. I will not argue with anyone. I don't let anyone in, and if you are in - you are most likely out. Since I don't deal with anyone who I let in for long.(Let in emotionally) I don't like feeling vulnerable. I usually unconsciously try to end something if it even seems right. I don't know what it is to be loved.I fear commitment. Why can I list these with no problem? Because I am pretty aware of my problems and I am in the progress of working on them. I can only be the perfect me. :-) Yeah, I am big ball of confusion Thanks horrid childhood experiances. None of which I regret. I am pretty happy with my life. These challenges are things I need to get over. Somethings you just need to work at :-)
musemaj11 Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 I expect all women to be gold diggers. No expectation, no disappointment.
Feelin Frisky Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 I'm very wary now after having thrown myself into a marriage-focused relationship and getting burned by someone with a personality disorder that did not show itself for some time that I really don't trust whole-heartedly any more. I was never unfaithful in the relationships I've had that lasted but the way I was treated in the last one by that nut you would think I was unfaithful. I can't--hell, I won't run my life around someone else's hidden negativities and mistrusts. I feel I need to get a lot o evidence that what I do in the positive sense is going to add up to something in my partner's mind and that I don't need to keep proving the same things over and over. I hope it happens for me some time but I'm very guarded.
zengirl Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 I'm a lot better at this now. But I used to be a really bad "tester," mostly in small ways. Judging a guy by silly things and not TELLING him what I wanted. The only remnants left of it are I still sometimes have a habit of saying, "When we break up" or "If we still know each other this time next year (which is unlikely)" or pessimistic statements like that, hoping for an, "Of course, we'll be together!" type response from the fellow. Hopefully I won't bring this habit into my next relationship.
Leeway Harris Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Leeway Harris - I grew up in similar situation as you. My parents fought daily. Yeah, it's tough for a little kid to see that. And a lot of people might say "So, everybody fights! Get over it!" But it's not that simple, because a kid needs to feel like his family life is stable, and if the level of fighting is constantly threatening to tear your family apart, you never feel that security. And sometimes another entity can provide the security you're looking for, like a relative or a close friend's family. Without that, you have no role model to base your idea of healthy relationships on. And it can have repercussions across the decades.
Intricategirl Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Yeah, it's tough for a little kid to see that. And a lot of people might say "So, everybody fights! Get over it!" But it's not that simple, because a kid needs to feel like his family life is stable, and if the level of fighting is constantly threatening to tear your family apart, you never feel that security. And sometimes another entity can provide the security you're looking for, like a relative or a close friend's family. Without that, you have no role model to base your idea of healthy relationships on. And it can have repercussions across the decades. Everyone does fight. But it's HOW they fight (and how often) that makes a difference. If that's all there ever is, and it's loud and abusive and hateful, it's hard to establish "normal".
iris219 Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 I don't rely on anyone for anything. It's not that I think I can do everything by myself. It's that I assume I'm not going to get help anyway, so I never ask. And when help is offered, I usually turn it down because I figure they won't follow through and actually help. The last few years, this has become much more of a problem, and each subsequent relationship tends to make it that much worse. I also stick with relationships long past their sell-by date. I'm getting significantly better at this. This is SO me as well--I rely on no one because I don't want to be let down when they disappoint me by not doing what they said. I refuse others' offers of generosity and attempts to help me, and when they don't do what they offered (even though I told them not to), I feel this proves their unreliability and I write them off as untrustworthy. I also say too long in dead relationships. I'm stubborn and hate failure, and I used to convince myself that the ability to endure unhappiness was a sign of strength (used to, not anymore).
Intricategirl Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 This is SO me as well--I rely on no one because I don't want to be let down when they disappoint me by not doing what they said. I refuse others' offers of generosity and attempts to help me, and when they don't do what they offered (even though I told them not to), I feel this proves their unreliability and I write them off as untrustworthy. I also say too long in dead relationships. I'm stubborn and hate failure, and I used to convince myself that the ability to endure unhappiness was a sign of strength (used to, not anymore). Sorry. I was sitting here typing the reasons for mine out, and then decided not to. Sadly, by not typing them out, it's possibly playing into exactly what caused my problems to begin with. But in the end, I guess knowing the reasons may help me counteract them. I don't know. I don't rely on people because I'd be hard pressed to present someone who has treated me reliably. From my parents who denied me a childhood so they could indulge their own wants, to an ex-husband who left me while I was having a breast cancer scare, to ex-boyfriends who specifically refuse to help and then wonder why I don't ask anymore- not a lot of people have been there for me.
Author Kelemort Posted April 20, 2011 Author Posted April 20, 2011 I run at the first sign of danger. If it looks like it may be a problem, I am gone. I don't try to resolve. I will not argue with anyone. I don't let anyone in, and if you are in - you are most likely out. Since I don't deal with anyone who I let in for long.(Let in emotionally) I don't like feeling vulnerable. I usually unconsciously try to end something if it even seems right. I don't know what it is to be loved.I fear commitment. Why can I list these with no problem? Because I am pretty aware of my problems and I am in the progress of working on them. I can only be the perfect me. :-) Yeah, I am big ball of confusion Thanks horrid childhood experiances. None of which I regret. I am pretty happy with my life. These challenges are things I need to get over. Somethings you just need to work at :-) I share many of these with you. My mother's a narcissist and I was never good enough. In relationships, I find myself striving hard to be as good as possible to my boyfriends - always making dinner, cleaning, etc. I wear myself out. I also don't like to feel vulnerable. I feel threatened when a partner has more experience than I do. I generally assume my boyfriends don't like me. To be fair though, current boyfriend did some very cruel things. So I tend to try and distance myself emotionally, or try to make myself feel attractive to people outside of our relationship. I think I'm afraid of commitment and I never quite know what's right - I always have to talk myself into the good points of relationships. I always get scared and run.
cerridwen Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Are you emotionally unavailable? I'm your girl. Know that push-pull thing some people do? I invented that.
J200 Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 my defense mechanisms are not to date, have a bf and don't want to get married. I don't have faith in relationships or men so I want to be alone forever. I am THE MOST introverted person EVER, so it shouldn't be hard for me. When I used to be self employed I could go for weeks without interacting with a real person (I worked on PC) and I liked it that way. My mechanisms for being alone and not meeting anyone are never making eye contact with opposite sex always looking unfriendly and pissed off so i won't meet anyoe staying home weekends alone (work and pc is my life) not open to anyone like to isolate myself from the world will never let a man inside my heart ever
curlygirl40 Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 I think that relationships are restrictive, and stifling. They make you lose who you really are. That's my experience so I tend to think it will always be like that. I was a very smart, put together 22 year old when I married someone completely wrong for me. It makes me question my judgement, makes me question things that I think I know. I would like to date you and have fun with you, but if it starts to get too serious, I will most likely run for fear of losing myself. It's like one hand is motioning for you to 'come closer' and the other hand is outstretched saying 'no, that's too close'. I want the closeness but I don't want to be smothered. I don't want anyone to need me because then I'm afraid I will let them down when I run.
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