"dumped for THAT GUY??"

[flitzanu]

just curious, male or female perspective, though i know girls have a bit of a different perception here...

 

but in my experience with MULTIPLE ex girlfriends, the guys they end up dating (or leaving me for) are often STRIKINGLY similar to the guys they dated before me, or that they had tendencies to date. i dont' just mean like, "he's tall" but i mean personality traits.

 

controlling, abusive, aggressive...

 

i'm pretty opposite to these guys that my exes go after, not exact opposites but my core traits are typically nothing like a "normal" guy.

 

even had an old ex come back later to say she asked for the opposite of me and got it, and now has a miserable life.

 

sometimes it just seems a bit too obvious that people either crave certain negative things in their life to make them feel balanced, or, they just make really poor decisions on guys they date.

 

and no, this isn't being self-conscious, because yeah...i'm prettier than these guys for sure...its that it makes me truly wonder if people notice that they do these things. i can pretty safely say i've been much better than the guys my ex girlfriends have chosen after me. and it could be easy to say that i'd lie awake at night questioning how i was dumped for such a loser...but that wasn't my decision. i'm more curious as to the "WHY" that guy would be chosen over me, when they are so obviously a douche, jerk, or a-hole to the entire world.

 

that was a little jumbled.

[Woggle]

It's because chances are you probably date damaged women and try to show them what a good man is. The problem is that women like this are addicted to scumbags and feel bored in healthy relationships. Try to go for healthy and normal women who don't need drama to feel alive.

[aypforever]

I'm more of the type of guy to settle down with. I'm not dangerous. Not too adventerous. I'm comforting, sweet, satisfying in bed etc.. sometimes girls just want something different. The ex said we never did anything together.. well, now I'm the guy going to shows and bars 2 or 3 nights a week.. who's at fault?

 

Ex ex ended up going out with a guy with tons of piercings and tattoos, now she's got tats, does drugs, and dropped out of college.. she was a 4.0 when she was with me.

 

Ex has dated a couple of guys. One with tattoos, more muscles than I, the other I don't know. She had a 4.0 in her masters and has slowly started to not care so much about her grades.

 

Wtf?

[PelicanPete]

I think the girls in these stories are just lacking a sense of who they are, which causes them to leave perfectly good guys for low lives and scum.

 

For example with my ex when we were together she mirrored me a lot. My philosophies, the way I talk, my hobbies, etc. She looked up to me and wanted to be like me through most of our relationship. I think by trying to doing that it made her really insecure, and the more she realized that she doesn't want to live just like me the further it pushed her away. I always treated her great, I'm handsome, was always there for her, but in the end I felt that didn't matter.

 

She left me for a below average joe, not very attractive with no education or passion for anything. I knew I was far better than him, and everyone that heard what happened thought she lost her mind. She is now mirroring his qualities, for example I heard she dropped out of college to pursue something that he is doing, but probably wont fit her at all. She is also taking on a lot of his qualities.

 

So what I think is just these girls don't really know who they are or what they want out of life, and they try to find it through relationships. Which is pretty stupid, because it will cause a lot of failed relationships just because they don't have the self strength to be by themselves.

[collegeguy_24]

In my experience, one woman cheated on me with another woman, instead of a man. I actually look back on that and laugh, and me and my friends use it as a joke.

 

My last ex, in a sense of irony, left me for a guy, thats just like me, difference being I actually groom myself, he looks like he doesn't shower.

[shawn923]

I think the girls in these stories are just lacking a sense of who they are, which causes them to leave perfectly good guys for low lives and scum.

 

For example with my ex when we were together she mirrored me a lot. My philosophies, the way I talk, my hobbies, etc. She looked up to me and wanted to be like me through most of our relationship. I think by trying to doing that it made her really insecure, and the more she realized that she doesn't want to live just like me the further it pushed her away. I always treated her great, I'm handsome, was always there for her, but in the end I felt that didn't matter.

 

She left me for a below average joe, not very attractive with no education or passion for anything. I knew I was far better than him, and everyone that heard what happened thought she lost her mind. She is now mirroring his qualities, for example I heard she dropped out of college to pursue something that he is doing, but probably wont fit her at all. She is also taking on a lot of his qualities.

 

So what I think is just these girls don't really know who they are or what they want out of life, and they try to find it through relationships. Which is pretty stupid, because it will cause a lot of failed relationships just because they don't have the self strength to be by themselves.

 

^^^ Why do you think that is the case?? And is this what makes them eventually realize (when they mature) who is "the one" that got away? I can easily see why the guy who "got away" wouldnt want to take this kind of female back, because no guy deserves to be dumped for this reason...

[Still Searching]

Haha, wow, if this doesn't sound familiar to me. When I met my ex 2.5 years ago, she smoked (cigarettes, and sometimes pot), had tattoos, pierced lip/nose, was doing horrible in her first semester at school, was on depression meds, was seeing someone 7 years older than her (her 18, him 25), and was overall the furthest thing from what I would normally date. For whatever reason, I was drawn to her personality, however. Amazingly, she quit smoking within a week, started going to class and doing very well, and left the other guy. Within a month she was off her depression meds, and the piercings came out. For the next year and half, this was my girlfriend, seemingly responsible and "changed for the better". I don't take credit for that, but rather attribute it to her being a "chameleon" and struggling with self-identity.

 

Was she damaged? I think so. Next to non-existent relationship with her father, history of either verbally or physically abusive boyfriends, etc. Yes, I heard the "I don't deserve you" or "You don't deserve having to put up with my sh-t" towards the end almost every other day. It seems she could only keep up the good girl image for so long. As others have said, past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior. During a summer intership in Texas, she started hanging with a guy who freaked out on her when she left him to come back to me, smoked pot while down there, and since turning 21, chose to party as opposed to living "the good life" with me, haha. I don't mean to sound full of myself, but I'm a 3.6 GPA college grad with a decent engineering job, never touched drugs, no tattoos, responsible, etc.

 

As PelicanPete said, she mimicked me in every way. My hobbies became hers, she talked/acted like me, my friends became hers, as she didn't really have any close friends at all, and eventually the girl she was before I met her wanted out. Last I heard, she was seeing some guy with 2 DUIs and a charge of illegal possession of prescription drugs. Her best friend is the biggest skank I've probably ever met, with the mentality of a 13 year old.

 

This is the life she chose. Her loss. Maybe someday she'll look back and regret it, maybe not. It doesn't matter anymore though, because she isn't who I thought she was. Hell, I sometimes wonder if I ever really knew who she was. I don't think she even knows...

[guccimane99]

Im in the same situation i was the "alpha male" in all my college classes. I learned how to from just observing in high school seeing as i was the smallest kid least popular kid in the school. As soon as high school go out i started lifting weights and eatting good gained 75 pounds of muscle in almost 2 years. I am a caring kid who goes to church every weekend and i put my friends before me and i put her before everything because i really liked her. We had are up and downs like all relationships but i would never beat her. I just wanted her to be happy and thats why i treated her so well. We broke up and shes been dating a guy whose nasty, ugly, and just not me. He gets in fights and not the type of guy she would date. I found out from a girl he used to **** that hes a "good guy" but he manipulates im like huh he can't be that good if he an alcholic. Hes a scumbag and all my friends laugh at him and her saying, "there trash." It hurts me cuz i like her so much but in the end u have to let go. She will hopefully realize what a idiot she was for leaving me. So to be honest she will probably realize what a mistake she made but it will be when its to late. U don't realize what u have till its gone true fact its human nature.

[PelicanPete]

^^^ Why do you think that is the case?? And is this what makes them eventually realize (when they mature) who is "the one" that got away? I can easily see why the guy who "got away" wouldnt want to take this kind of female back, because no guy deserves to be dumped for this reason...

 

 

They may refer to us as the "the one that got away", they may not. It depends on their mindset in the future. Right now they are going after what they feel is best for them at this point in their life. This is why you should never start looking for a serious relationship until you have a strong sense of your beliefs and what you want out of your life.

 

Still Searching and I seem to follow a similar story. I never forced her to change into something she didn't want to be, it was just my influence on her. Because of my influence paired with our lack of communication she felt restricted by me, and inevitably left. She never really voiced these concerns until it was too late, which I felt wasn't fair. She also was always saying she didn't deserve me, and felt I was always going to leave her through out our relationship, While in the end she's the one that left me. When I asked her what this guy had that I didn't, she couldn't answer me.

 

Maybe she felt more comfortable around "lowering the bar". I don't mean to sound elitist or like I was perfect, I made errors in our relationship as well, but nothing severe enough to jeopardize it. They are just going after who they feel they are or who they want to become at this time. It isn't fair to enter a relationship when you're unsure of yourself. I feel these type of people are time bombs, and I hope my ex doesn't stomp on the new guy like she did to me. After all they got engaged after 2 months.

[au_chocolat]

I know other girls like this and I think that they usually get some idea that they can change THAT GUY and that somebody who is actually good to them is bad because of the idea "I wouldn't want to be a member of a club that would have me as a member" thing from Groucho Marx.

Once you meet a more stable and appreciative woman (I think they are out there- I am, LOL) you won't be contending with damaged behavior and people who are not living in the NOW.

[Shaun-Dro]

I know other girls like this and I think that they usually get some idea that they can change THAT GUY and that somebody who is actually good to them is bad because of the idea "I wouldn't want to be a member of a club that would have me as a member" thing from Groucho Marx.

Once you meet a more stable and appreciative woman (I think they are out there- I am, LOL) you won't be contending with damaged behavior and people who are not living in the NOW.

 

Unfortunately, most of the women grow up out of these mishaps when the number 40 comes around. I mean seriously, is it fair for us good men to have to wait for her to hit middle age to be with her?

 

These days it does, because society dont teach these women what a good man is. They just copy what they see on TV and only badboys and losers get the women. I know all about this, which is why I'm single and cant find a decent young woman to connect with. Probably wont until I hit 45. How sad.

[Mcnulty]

I this a female trait or both sexes???

 

My ex's bf before me was about 6"3, big heavy build, looked like a builder/bouncer, then me....6 foot, tall, dark and thin, then the guy she cheated on me with is 6"3, heavy build, fair, like her ex before me and looks like her dad and brother.....I guess I wasn't her type,ha!

[Strength of Heart]

Glad to see I'm not the only one in a similar situation. When I met my ex, her family was falling apart, she had to try too hard to fit in with her group of friends, she hooked up w/ a lot of guys (Never did anything sexual, though) and so on and so forth. When we were together, I turned the girls life around. Although her family situation never really got better, I was always there for her in tough times, I tried to encourage her to stand up to her mom who took out seemingly all her frustration from her divorce on my ex, to try and restore a lost relationship with her dad whom cheated on his mom (and was also shizophrenic and bi-polar), and on top of that she no longer had a relationship with her brother.

 

While we were going out, her "friends" began to get jealous that she found someone who was making her happy and changing her life. She hung out with them, but not nearly as much because she felt she had to try way to hard to be accepted by them. After being backstabbed by her friends who said some harsh things about our relationship, she stopped hanging out with them for her own good and I encouraged her to try and meet new friends. She ended up being very lonely, with only one best friend and me, and became very dependent on me. I had and always did have a great group of best friends who were very reliable and respectful of me, my life, and my girlfriend. She eventually started hanging out with these old friends of hers again, I didn't object to it because I knew how lonely she was, and once they introduced her to partying and drinking I slowly began to see her change. She started becoming obsessed with going to parties and drinking, her attitude towards many things changed, and suddenly she wasn't the girl I went out with for two and a half years anymore...but merely more like what she was before I did, back at square one after straightening up her act. Apparently, which I didn't find out until about a month and a half after the break up, she had also developed feelings for another guy at the end of our relationship. I still don't know exactly who this kid is, but apparently he has a girlfriend and he's also a recovering drug addict.

 

She was definitely broken and I can say I did my best to make her happy and always be there for her, but you can only help someone so much. I love the girl to death and care about her a lot, I'd love to be with her if she could clean herself up and want to work things about between us, but overall I'd rather be with a girl who knows what she wants, who has a straight head, and who is fine with a comfortable and mature relationship.

[Stilicho]

lol, we should all form a club. my ex, whom i was with for over 2 years, left me for somebody who is pretty much the polar opposite. im in my senior yr of college, on a pre-law track, double major, good grades, athletic, tall, clean cut, etc. always treated her like a princess, to the point where nearly everyday she would talk about living together, kids, etc. than one night, i find out that she kissed, and subsequently ran to, some loser who was about 24, works as a male secretary(shortly fired afterwards), heavy drug user, "wigger", covered in tattoos, involved with petty crime, basically going nowhere fast. At first it killed me, than i realized how much better off i am without her, and how she now has what she deserves. Also, she is now failing out of classes left and right, and when i see her on campus, she looks disheveled and shot, and im oretty sure she is into drugs now as well.

Edited April 20, 2011 by Stilicho
extra point

[shawn923]

I've just started a NC log that deals with this specific topic, and gives details on my situation. If you all could take a look at it and comment I would greatly appreciate it. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t274226/

[Hopeless Girl]

yes lets just say girls like guys with a little bad side... guys with a good manners or whatever dont tend to attract girls because for them it seems that when the girl says "jump" the good guy will aske "how high" ... its not the case but some guys are just soo desperate ... some girls for some reasong like being "ignored" cause like guys theyll have something to chase .. anyways an even more sexier guy is an assertive guy sooo there u go be assertive

[flitzanu]

wow. good replies. i will have more time tonight, i want to reply to a lot here. wow.

[JasonRules]

In my case, my ex was crying over a guy she was in a relationship with her prior to me. The guy was a total loser, didn't have a solid career or education unless you can call bartending at a bar a career. He treated her like garbage, was cheating on her with other women, and in the end told her that they should have an "open relationship".

 

Whereas I was the complete opposite. College educated, multi-lingual, well travelled, cultured, with a career, earning decent money, family oriented, intelligent, didn't cheat, tall, athletic, above average in the looks department, don't smoke, don't do drugs etc. yet she was the one chasing him before she met me.

 

In any case, the way I see it is this; hillbillies and white trash don't feel comfortable driving an Aston Martin. Why? Because they know deep down inside they don't deserve it. People with self esteem issues, losers, or those with inferiority complexes feel more comfortable when the person they are with is more of a mess than they are.

 

For example, if I look at my exes previous boyfriends, they aren't exactly what you would call "winners". One was a violent control freak, the other was 28 living at home with mom/dad, the other was a bartender/player with no future. I won't even go in the looks department because that's a whole different story. Bottom line is none of these guys could even stand in my shadow.

 

Was I hurt 6 weeks ago when things ended? Absolutely, but I am certain in my mind that a woman of quality ultimately will appreciate what I bring to the table.

 

By the way; being considerate and polite doesn't mean I am willing to become a doormat for a woman either. I am very assertive and confident in myself and this is why I may have lost one woman, but I have gained the interest of at least 5 others. Never ever wait around for anyone. Respect and treasure yourselves first.

Edited April 20, 2011 by JasonRules

[Strength of Heart]

In my case, my ex was crying over a guy she was in a relationship with her prior to me. The guy was a total loser, didn't have a solid career or education unless you can call bartending at a bar a career. He treated her like garbage, was cheating on her with other women, and in the end told her that they should have an "open relationship".

 

Whereas I was the complete opposite. College educated, multi-lingual, well travelled, cultured, with a career, earning decent money, family oriented, intelligent, didn't cheat, tall, athletic, above average in the looks department, don't smoke, don't do drugs etc. yet she was the one chasing him before she met me.

 

In any case, the way I see it is this; hillbillies and white trash don't feel comfortable driving an Aston Martin. Why? Because they know deep down inside they don't deserve it. People with self esteem issues, losers, or those with inferiority complexes feel more comfortable when the person they are with is more of a mess than they are.

 

For example, if I look at my exes previous boyfriends, they aren't exactly what you would call "winners". One was a violent control freak, the other was 28 living at home with mom/dad, the other was a bartender/player with no future. I won't even go in the looks department because that's a whole different story. Bottom line is none of these guys could even stand in my shadow.

 

Was I hurt 6 weeks ago when things ended? Absolutely, but I am certain in my mind that a woman of quality ultimately will appreciate what I bring to the table.

 

By the way; being considerate and polite doesn't mean I am willing to become a doormat for a woman either. I am very assertive and confident in myself and this is why I may have lost one woman, but I have gained the interest of at least 5 others. Never ever wait around for anyone. Respect and treasure yourselves first.

Great point Jason, my ex told me our whole relationship that I was too good for her and I always tried telling her otherwise. Then at the end of our relationship she developed feelings for some kid who is a recovering drug addict and already has a GF. I thought she was doing better than I was after the break up, but now it is clear that its actually the complete opposite. All she does now is parties and drinks all her troubles away. It's a real shame because I do love the girl, but I have to have respect for myself as I have lately.

[QuietSerenity]

My last relationship lasted three years. While I was out working and he was allegedly "sitting on the couch at home", he was in actuality gone to strip clubs....I found this out after he packed all of his bags and left me a note one night, and when I found out the girl he left me for was a stripper, I was livid.

 

I'm fine now......I bettered myself, made new friends and I have even become a fitness guru (wannabe guru? lol!) of sorts. Now I just want to go back to college (is it too late? I'm 33).

 

In my experience, one woman cheated on me with another woman, instead of a man. I actually look back on that and laugh, and me and my friends use it as a joke.

 

My last ex, in a sense of irony, left me for a guy, thats just like me, difference being I actually groom myself, he looks like he doesn't shower.

I love your optimism.

[JasonRules]

Great point Jason, my ex told me our whole relationship that I was too good for her and I always tried telling her otherwise. Then at the end of our relationship she developed feelings for some kid who is a recovering drug addict and already has a GF. I thought she was doing better than I was after the break up, but now it is clear that its actually the complete opposite. All she does now is parties and drinks all her troubles away. It's a real shame because I do love the girl, but I have to have respect for myself as I have lately.

 

 

My ex ex is now dating a bartender with a ring between his nostrils. She is 33 years old. Looking back, I'm actually glad she dumped me at the time (4 years ago). She tried to come back 1.5 years ago, but I wouldn't have her. I was the best thing that could have happen to her, but now she is endlessly going from one loser to the next. Since she ended the relationship with me, she has not made any progress in her life whatsoever, but I have accomplished many things.

 

With me, I only make the mistake once, but I will never make the same mistake twice.

[Stilicho]

In my case, my ex was crying over a guy she was in a relationship with her prior to me. The guy was a total loser, didn't have a solid career or education unless you can call bartending at a bar a career. He treated her like garbage, was cheating on her with other women, and in the end told her that they should have an "open relationship".

 

Whereas I was the complete opposite. College educated, multi-lingual, well travelled, cultured, with a career, earning decent money, family oriented, intelligent, didn't cheat, tall, athletic, above average in the looks department, don't smoke, don't do drugs etc. yet she was the one chasing him before she met me.

 

In any case, the way I see it is this; hillbillies and white trash don't feel comfortable driving an Aston Martin. Why? Because they know deep down inside they don't deserve it. People with self esteem issues, losers, or those with inferiority complexes feel more comfortable when the person they are with is more of a mess than they are.

 

For example, if I look at my exes previous boyfriends, they aren't exactly what you would call "winners". One was a violent control freak, the other was 28 living at home with mom/dad, the other was a bartender/player with no future. I won't even go in the looks department because that's a whole different story. Bottom line is none of these guys could even stand in my shadow.

 

Was I hurt 6 weeks ago when things ended? Absolutely, but I am certain in my mind that a woman of quality ultimately will appreciate what I bring to the table.

 

By the way; being considerate and polite doesn't mean I am willing to become a doormat for a woman either. I am very assertive and confident in myself and this is why I may have lost one woman, but I have gained the interest of at least 5 others. Never ever wait around for anyone. Respect and treasure yourselves first.

 

quoted for relevance/truth, great post man. basically describes me and my ex to a T. she herself said she just never felt good enough to be with me(throughout the course of our relationship), that i was out of her league, and felt id leave her for someone better. well, now she is with a drug abusing scumbag and going nowhere.

[JasonRules]

quoted for relevance/truth, great post man. basically describes me and my ex to a T. she herself said she just never felt good enough to be with me(throughout the course of our relationship), that i was out of her league, and felt id leave her for someone better. well, now she is with a drug abusing scumbag and going nowhere.

 

 

Don't worry; in a few years time you'll be thanking her for dumping you because in all likelihood you'll meet a normal and beautiful woman.

[Johnny85]

In my case, my ex girlfriend left me for someone who is the complete opposite - personality and physically. His face resembles an ogre; I am a tall and handsome young man. Some of her hobbies have been modeled after his as well. For instance, she started shooting at a range (magnum and rifle). All I can say is that I have never even held a rifle in my life, nor do I have a desire to do so. Funny how she would try and reinvent herself to forget about me.

[flitzanu]

argh. didn't have time to get on last night and type some proper replies, i'll try to do that tonight. it's interesting though, that most of the comments are about self-identity, that these girls go from being "normal" and secure to then going backwards or even "de-volving" into partying tramps and whores. or at least sluttish. excessive partying, drinking, hanging out with immature types that are selfish and don't care much about "tomorrow". that's pretty damn accurate.

 

the thing i don't really get though...is teh talk of "...i don't have tattoos" or "...ring between the nostrils." i'm sure you people aren't trying to be offensive, but it certainly can come off as haughty. i have many tattoos and piercings, but clothes and decoration don't make the man. seeing me on a "workday" you'd never know i'm any "different than you".