Long Term Planner

[Snuffy]

I cannot tell if I should wait or break it off.

 

I am not and never have been in pursuit of marriage when this relationship started. So when we have an exchange of letters and my partner indicates he would like to have a long term relationship with me but does not ever see it ending in marriage, I do not know why I am so bothered since marriage was not my goal.

 

Marriage is something I have done before. I felt trapped and scared and I don't want to do it again. I like being independent.

 

My partner has indicated he wants what his parents have together. They are married and have raised five wonderful children and seem themselves to be wonderful individuals based on what I have observed.

 

My partner has indicated he someday wants to have children as well, when he is financially ready. He has not quantified for himself when or how to determine if he is financially ready.

 

I am 32. We have had a discussion about birth control and I indicated I had not tied my tubes yet in the event that I enter into a permanent relationship and my partner would like children with me, then I would be able to meet that need for both of us. However, I have also indicated I planned to have a tubal ligation when I turned 40 because I don't wish to be pregnant past that year due to health concerns and retirement and monetary concerns for my own welfare and that of any potential child.

 

I do not mind having a long term relationship and children without the benefit of marriage. I am fully independent and capable of providing for my child without needing to have a second person in my life as a crutch.

 

But if my partner wants to have children, wants what his parents have, and wants a long term relationship with me, I feel like even though there is love between us that I am either not good enough or just a stop gap until he finds someone he is ready to have children with or a permanent relationship.

 

I don't believe this issue would even bother me except there is a time limit on when I can meet the criteria of providing a partner with children. So in this case, it feels like if he wants a long term relationship which he has defined as 5-10-15 years when I asked what he meant because I was confused but if we proceed into a long term relationship as he has defined it, children will not be a possibility.

 

I don't know what to think. I don't want to pressure for marriage, that's not what I need. But all of a sudden I am bothered by the combination of our discussion which seems to center around marriage and children.

 

I do not know what to think. I do not want to ruin the best relationship I have ever had which meets my needs for the first time in over ten years but I do not want to invest so much of myself into a relationship only to be thrown away. He doesn't seem the type to be a throw away person/lover but I also know I want him to have his goals and be happy, but not at the expense of my own happiness either.

 

Please share your thoughts with me. I could really use some insight please.

[TaraMaiden]

I think, more to the point, is that you should share your thoughts with him.

 

Unless communication is frank, honest, clear and unambiguous, you won't have a smidgeon of any guarantee about anything.

 

Well, tbh, even if you do have the frank, honest, clear and unambiguous talk, there are still no guarantees. he could say one thing this month, and you could find yourself dumped the next.

 

But I really think you should gain some clarity on what he's saying.

And the only true way to do this - is to ask him what his long-term vision is concerning your relationship, and specifically, marriage and kids.

[Snuffy]

But I really think you should gain some clarity on what he's saying.

And the only true way to do this - is to ask him what his long-term vision is concerning your relationship, and specifically, marriage and kids.

 

 

I have shared my thoughts with him. That is why this is so confusing. From the start, he's been the one to bring up to clarify that I am not looking for marriage. I tend to be very direct and forthright with my communications. I assess quickly and move confidently towards what I want as a goal and the intensity of that made him think I was pushing for marriage even though I've never asked or hinted that I want that.

 

I thought we were on the same page. It seemed we were after a few hours long conversations of hashing things out. But when I got home and opened his letter, he indicated he didn't know where our relationship was going though he didn't forsee it going towards marriage and that he thought good or bad, it would be a helluva ride.

 

While I am not angling for marriage, I am angling for a lover and companion who is monogamous with me. I want someone I can talk to who understands me and accepts me and I am prepared to give that in return. I also want someone who is sexually attractive to me and I to him.

 

We have clarified this, multiple times. And we have agreed to see each other exclusively. I had the clarification of exclusive defined in our relationship before I was willing to have sex with him, so there was no confusion.

 

So, we have clarified and I have multiple times tried to reassure him I am not, with the intensity of my emotions and confidence of my decisions, trying to aim for marriage.

 

I have to finish raising my foster child to adult hood and reassess in three years what I want. I have an autistic eight year old I have responsibilities to as well. My partner wants to finish his doctoral degree in programming and he wants to screenwrite and produce a program with his skills. I have acknowledged all this.

 

I don't understand why marriage is an issue. I don't understand why he keeps bringing it up and indicating he doesn't think marriage is or will be an option between us. The more it comes up the more insecure I feel and confused, very confused because I've never said anything about marriage until he brought it up.

 

Now I am always re assuring him I am not angling for marriage and it is starting to hurt because despite I not having marriage as a goal, part of me wonders what's wrong with me that I wouldn't be a canidate for marriage?

 

This is very confusing. We've had hours long, multiple conversations about this. Should I just let it rest?

[TaraMaiden]

"The 'lady' doth protest too much, methinks".....*

 

By lady, I mean, him.

 

You know when people go on and on and on about something, because in fact, the person thery're trying to convince is themselves, and not you.

 

Well....yeah.

I think so....

 

And it's unsettling because, well, you know how you feel, and you know how you've always felt, but now his persistent 'lather-rinse-repeat' is beginning to undermine your own personal belief in your conviction.

 

next time he brings it up - It's ok to lose your temper a little.

Show some justifiable irritation, and tell him you friggin' get the message already, fer chrissakes, and does he notice how you've never argued with him...?!

 

He doesn't need to convince you - you were there already - no problem.

It sounds to you like HE'S the one with the problem - so tell him to get his brain sorted, or just quit with the repetition, it's fine!

 

 

 

 

 

 

(*Shakespeare, 'Hamlet'.)

[Snuffy]

Thank you Taramaiden for your reply. I am very grateful.

[creighton0123]

"I do not mind having a long term relationship and children without the benefit of marriage. I am fully independent and capable of providing for my child without needing to have a second person in my life as a crutch."

 

The two of you can decide and agree on what role marriage plays in your life. As someone who doesn't benefit from the luxury of civil marriage in all but five states and D.C, I can tell you that the rights, benefits, protections and responsibilities afforded through civil marriage are important for building a strong household - not bad for a $35 marriage license in a 5 minute discussion with a county clerk in street clothes.

 

You're correct, though. "I would like to have a long term relationship with you but do not ever see it ending in marriage" is a very odd statement to make. Usually it's just "I would like to have a long term relationship with you" and leave it at that.

 

Get married for your own reasons, not for your partner's, your family's, or society's.

[xpaperxcutx]

I'll put in my 2 cents-

 

No one has long term convictions unless it's a goal but even then, perspectives can change with time. I would imagine that your bf isn't exactly sure about his stance on marriage and as Taramaiden has written, he's not convincing you so much as convincing himself.

 

You're only unsettled by him because you take offense at being " rejected" as marriage material. It isn't so much as wanting marriage as simply as being made " inadequate" by his words.

 

At this point, I think the both of you need to stop worrying about the future and focus on the present. It's hard to fully map out what 10 years will be like because circumstances could and possibly will steer you down a different path than the one you planned out. ie. the possibility of actually having children of your own.

[TaraMaiden]

It's just my perception. I could be wrong, perception is often deception.

 

You could handle it by merely asking him "Why do you feel the need to keep telling me this? I think I've made my feelings perfectly clear, so why are you still banging on about it?"