angelboots Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 I just want to get a general consensus of is this is a good or bad practice. Back in the dating scene I am finding that a lot of the men that are showing interest are still legally married men, some a year into separation others three years in or more. I have had two long term relationships with the separated not divorced men and neither ended well so I am cautious about dating another one. Is it not normal procedure when your marriage breaks down and both partners are seeing other people to just get a divorce and bite the bullet. To me it always felt like my now ex's were waiting in hope that the marriage might be still on track at a later date.. well it proved to be the case with the now ex after being separated for two years when we met and then with me for one he went running back to her when she suddenly found herself dateless, which didn't last she tossed him three months later for another man and he is trying to come back to me atm.. (hell no) The other ex only decided to get a divorce when i left him after 4 years with me and he's wife came out with her now female fiancée.. So what is LS stance on the not divorced member of the opposite sex, date or dont.. also separated but not divorced members, why are you not divorced yet? what makes you drag out the legalities?
carhill Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 Here's what the ladies said in a thread I started on this topic. A more recent thread I think one's experiences color perspective. My percentage of clear and unambiguous dating experiences with women is so small, wrt their 'relationship status', that I don't even consider it anymore. If I exercised clear 'divorced and over the ex' boundaries, I'd likely have never dated anyone, at least beyond my 20's anyway. I think the disconnect perhaps is stereotypically gender-related, in that, generally, women who disconnect their marriages move on emotionally so can start new relationships while still married, whereas men generally have a harder time with this, as they must process the emotional components of the failure, plus rebuild their confidence to face the inevitable rejections which men face in the pursuit of romance. This dynamic might explain the back and forth you experienced. The man, having had sex and intimacy with you (and his wife), finds it 'easier' and 'less painful' to pursue the known rather than face the unknown. In my own datapoint, now about two years after separation and seven months after the divorce being final, my exW has been living with someone (her home, which she received in the D) for about a year and I have been living alone, rebuilding my financial losses and confidence. Is that how it always works? Perhaps not, but it's one datapoint of how it can work. Am I ready to date? Yep, tried it and no worries. Do I *want* to? Not really, anymore. At my age, I see so little upside to the burdens I would face. Increasingly, in our society, I'm hearing the same from other men. I accept the sadness of that reality. So, go with what works for you.
Author angelboots Posted April 19, 2011 Author Posted April 19, 2011 thank you carhill Im reading my little heart out now
Nexus One Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 I've never been married or divorced for that matter, but I do know that legal procedures tend to be very slow from a client's perspective. I guess people are creating too many problems and the legal system can't handle it. Lawyers will never be out of work. That being said I can understand that people don't want to wait for the lawyers to finish the legal procedures of a divorce. Don't get me wrong, I think it would be the right thing to wait until the legal procedure is finished, but those can take quite a while.
OliveOyl Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 I just want to get a general consensus of is this is a good or bad practice. So what is LS stance on the not divorced member of the opposite sex, date or dont.. also separated but not divorced members, why are you not divorced yet? what makes you drag out the legalities? In my case... the reason why we haven't finalized the divorce is financial. I don't have a job that provides benefits, and while my kids will continue to be insured through my stbx's health insurance, I won't when we get divorced. The cost of health insurance is quite steep. I'm looking for a job that will be able to provide some benefits, and when that happens then I figure we'll go ahead. All forms of intimacy withered away years ago in my marriage, so I'm not going to wait months/years longer, to date again. My stbx is currently seeing a woman who is separated-but-not-yet divorced. And I've recently become interested in a guy who's also separated-but-not-yet divorced too.
carhill Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 In our case, me exW and I settled up our financials prior to filing for divorce and followed the Cali no contest/default/MSA pathway. Save for errors by her paralegal, all it would have taken was the mandatory six month cooling off period and the divorce could've been final
Anxiety Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 Another reason for long separations, here the state requires that you be separated 1 year before you can get divorced.
carhill Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 Blaze hit the send button too soon ''''''on the day the period ran. As it was, once everything met with the court's approval, filing-wise, we had a 'marriage ends on xxx' seal within three days; no courtroom time at all. So rather than spending a ton on legal fees, I spent less than a ton on MC and killed two birds with one stone; amicable divorce and better tools to be a healthy partner in a relationship. Still, even with all that, and living separately for a long time prior, both the ladies of LS and many I met in real life would have nothing to do with me, theoretically or in reality. Their intrinsic style, past experiences and those experiences shared with them by others formed their perception. Accepted. Worked out great
ASG Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 Here in the UK I think it's 2 years, unless there's proof of cheating or something like that. If it's just a "things didn't work out" kinda thing, you're stuck for at least 2 years. A friend of mine is going through this now. Just reached the 1 year mark, still needs to wait another one. My parents didn't get divorced for about 7 years after they were separated. I guess the reason was they just couldn't be bothered, and only did it when my mom started thinking about marrying again - to my step dad, who she began dating not long after my mom and dad separated. So I don't see anything wrong in dating separated but no yet divorced people.
sumdude Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 I agree with a lot of what Carhill psted, as usual . My marriage ended suddenly when she moved out without warning and moved in with another man. I filed as soon as possible and six months almost to the day we were in court. Which was the required period for a couple without children. But that was just the legal side.. the emotional side of my recovery took a long time.I wasn't relationship material for 3 years, I was also dealing with the ailing and passing of my father. It's too bad because if I met one of the women I dated during that time today things could have been different. That's one story... each will be different. But if the man was dumped by his wife it could take some time for him to be ready. If they're still separated and not divorced I would shy away from anything other than a more casual thing. There's too much baggage still to be resolved.
daphne Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 I know 2 women who met guys online that were recently seperated (one was less than 2 months!) and are engaged to the guys. Who knows. Personally, I think it's a high risk venture and it's not one that I'll get into readily. I've been doing my own homework to get ready for a healthy relationship and I don't want to take on a project of healing someone else who is selfish and needy. And I think quite often people recently seperated are just that.
OliveOyl Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 I've been doing my own homework to get ready for a healthy relationship and I don't want to take on a project of healing someone else who is selfish and needy. And I think quite often people recently seperated are just that. No more selfish and needy than anyone else going through a difficult time in life. Which happens to all of us.
xpaperxcutx Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Separation= going on a break. These are the same kind of people who couldn't wait to live like a single person after being trapped in a marriage for so long. It's an excuse because they're not thinking about the long term effects of things, rather the excitement of being with someone new. The ex becomes the fallback plan and usually having an ex to cushion mid-life crisis helps.
daphne Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 No more selfish and needy than anyone else going through a difficult time in life. Which happens to all of us. I'm going to have to respectfully disagree with you. I'm neither selfish or needy. The only time I was both was when I was rebounding myself. But I gave that up a long time ago because it never landed me a great guy to be honest. If you have to have someone, you're not that picky.
OliveOyl Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 I'm going to have to respectfully disagree with you. I'm neither selfish or needy. The only time I was both was when I was rebounding myself. But I gave that up a long time ago because it never landed me a great guy to be honest. If you have to have someone, you're not that picky. I didn't say you were selfish or needy, I have no idea about that. I was just countering the statement you made that separated people are as a rule, selfish and needy, the implication being, more selfish and needy than the general population. Going through emotional healing? Yes. But everyone handles that differently.
carhill Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 I was definitely more selfish and needy before my exW and I separated. After, once alone and able to focus better, and with MC, a healthier perspective returned. That was the point when the realities of the past EA came home to roost and I left both those chapters of life behind. My exW was surprised, when we talked as we were filing the last documents at the courthouse, that I hadn't seen my EA partner in a year. Me, I was surprised the year had flown by so fast. Peace had returned. Prior though, I wouldn't have touched me with a ten foot pole. Luckily, a few good friends stayed the course. I'm eternally grateful for that. I've 'helped' a few LS'ers during some difficult periods and can relate that I wouldn't wish to date them during such periods of separation and divorce. It was tough enough just being a friend. As with many things in life, when we see one situation, we see one situation. They're all different.
WorldIsYours Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Separation= going on a break. These are the same kind of people who couldn't wait to live like a single person after being trapped in a marriage for so long. It's an excuse because they're not thinking about the long term effects of things, rather the excitement of being with someone new. The ex becomes the fallback plan and usually having an ex to cushion mid-life crisis helps. Exactly. And then what if the two decide to reconcile, and one spouse has been with another during separation? People are using the word "dating" to try and soften the blow.
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