How Will I Know?

[beanzmom]

I just posted this on another board, thought I'd post it here as well to get a different side of things...

 

Long story short, I'm married. Have been for 13 years. My husband is mentally/verbally abusive, neglectful unless he wants laid. Then he's copping feels on me in front of the kids, and calling me a beyotch when I'm not jumping his bones and pushing his hands away. GAH!!!!! No concern for my happiness, he thinks I'm a complete B#tCH that has ruined his life. He transitions from being helpful around the house to being buried in his computer games and pushing the kids away. He curses continually, especially in front of the kids. He drinks continually (8 or more beers per day, plus vodka) and smokes like a chimney. And he smells WONDERFUL. gag.

 

He does not work full-time (was supposed to be finishing his degree these past few years), leaving me to provide for the family, chauffer the kids to activities, etc. He has cheated on me a minimum of three times (online stuff, I can't prove that he has been actually screwing around physically, though I have emails where he has at least attempted to hook up) that I'm aware of, probably more. Because I don't put out enough. I work full time, take care of kids, pay bills, etc. etc. etc. OH, and I'm in school full-time in a master's program. translation, I don't have time to breathe, let alone to have sex 3X or more a week. We average once per week, during which time I'm making laundry lists of to-do items for the next day.

 

My family, friends and co-workers have all encouraged me to leave him, move on with my life and find someone new...it's just impossible economically. My husband has us in such debt right now from the year he refused to work, I will never see the light of day. Yes...he quit his job and refused to find work for nearly a year. We lived off credit cards and are now tens of thousands of dollars in debt. OH, and I was pregnant at the time, as well. We went the counseling route, and all we came up with was the counselor telling me that I needed to have sex with my husband more often and all would be grand. Because it would make him feel like a man again and he would be apt to do more. Yeah...

 

So anyway, a new employee started here about a year ago. Scott is awesome. He's funny, artistic, interested in theater, sooooo handsome, but not in a conventional way. He's caring, loves kids...the whole package. Shortly after he started working here, I noticed that he spends a lot of time with me. His office is across the hall, and he smiles at me or cracks a joke or does a funny little dance every time he comes out of his office. He and I go to lunch frequently. One time, in particular, he blew off an assignment (nothing he couldn't catch later on in the day) to go to lunch with me. He walked into the cafe and he stopped dead in his tracks and just stared at me with this smile. I can't explain it, it just melted my heart. It was like time stopped. sigh... A mutual friend of ours said that he is "quite fond of me," but wouldn't tell me more as to not breach confidence. I find myself doing little things for him...bringing him back his favorite snacks after lunch, texting him jokes, checking up on him when he was really REALLY ill a few weeks back. He and I work together a lot, and there is definitely chemistry...he likes to pull me out of my office to go get coffee and to work on a photo shoot with him. He always says that I need to get away from the office for a bit. Just to get out. Then he flirts with me relentlessly. LOL!

 

So the bottom line is this...Scott has a live-in girlfriend and is in a VERY bad relationship. She is abusive towards him (I have witnessed this personally, via ranting cell phone calls during work hours) and is putting him through a lot right now. He and I both know that we would be better off ending our current relationships (he says he still cares for his gf, but for how much longer?). He is stuck and so am I. We have not discussed feelings for each other, so I don't know how he feels towards me, if anything is there or if he is just being himself and I'm a great gal pal. Which is fine...I treasure his friendship.

 

I am not going to move forward on ANYTHING right now, until my current relationship is ended. I am not like that. I find Scott to be an amazing person, a wonderful friend, and someone I just happen to have a maddening crush on.

 

The crush is enough for me. For now. It's getting me through my days and it's innocent enough. So how do I find out if his feelings for me are the same? Not sure what to do if they are... or if I want him to even know. I kind of like having this crush. It's the first thrilling feeling I've had in years. And it's mine.

 

He just came out of his office and did a funny little dance for me...to make me laugh.

[creighton0123]

Don't kid yourself. Verbal/mental abuse ABSOLUTELY IS domestic violence. I'd recommend you see a financial planner/debt councilor. It may not be pretty, but you have options to clearing your debt and starting over with this man you call your husband - who has been in no way, shape, or form a life partner.

 

For the sake of your kids, you may have to make sacrifices. That means you might have to seriously modify your lifestyle:

 

Seriously consider divorce

Require child alimony payments and determine custody arrangements

Perhaps put your masters degree on pause

Sell your house if you own it and rent a home for a short time

 

Also, it is important to realize where you're doing your spending. Cable television? No. Home telephone and cell phones? No. Air conditioning? Only if required (Texas/Arizona).

 

If you need to save money, which is sounds like you do, you should check out the simple living forums (third party).

 

The fact that you are thousands upon thousands in debt and your shady husband is drinking and smoking a pack a day is unforgivable.

 

It all may seem impossible, but it isn't.

[beanzmom]

Hi Creighton:

 

I am more than seriously considering divorce. In fact, the counseling was a result of my demanding a separation. It was the first time my spouse wanted to try and fix things. Maybe because his gravy train was heading away?

 

I'm finishing my master's in order to provide a better life for my kids and me. I am a year into it, have about a year to go. The plan is, finish the master's then move on in my life and get a better job. By that time, the kids will be a year older and both will be in school. I'm just treading water right now, waiting out the year until I'm done with school.

 

The best part is that my spouse has not made a deposit into our joint account since Christmas, 2010. He cashes his paycheck and deposits it into his Aunt's account (she lives with us to help with the kids and helps financially). I do not have access to what money he does bring in. I have to ASK him for money for food, etc. He gives me money for tolls to get to work, but that's it. My entire paycheck goes to pay bills. So how humiliating is it to have to ASK my spouse for money. Especially when my check pays HIS bills that HE accumulated?

 

I lost my debit card and asked him for his (from our joint account). I used his for a few weeks and he had the nerve to ask for his card back. Why? So he can have free access to the money I bring in? When I don't have access to his? I don't think so.

 

Bankruptcy was also in the picture, if we were to split now. There is no way I could possibly continue paying everything on my own. He would be vindictive enough to seek palimony. Which, in my state, is given until the divorce is final. Sigh...what a mess. And it makes it harder on my emotionally is when he goes through these helping spurts...cleans the house, plays with the kids, etc... then gets mad when I don't put out. Yeah, this is fun...