Lorelei_Lane Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Okay, I went back and checked, the BS DID say he left and was only coming back to get clothes and such. She never said he came back and stayed, they argued and he left again. I honestly can believe that these two people can go without reading the threads, and I really wonder if this situation is actually happening! The BS came on here claiming that she was having issues setting up her account and stuff, so she borrowed her niece's account. That's why I honestly believe she didn't go looking for the user name on here of the OW, because it seems she can't be that handy with internet forums. As for the OW, she probably doesn't care to read all the stuff that's been said because she's living with the MM now. She gets to see day to day the kind of stuff she's saying to him and things like that. Miranda, I know you're coming on here for a place to vent and things like that, but if you want to keep this man and this relationship, tell him he has to go ahead and file for divorce and go no contact with his wife. He needs to tell her family that she needs to be watched once he does so. That way you two can move on, as much as I disagree with the whole bullsh*t situation, and the BS can deal with her grief and move on too. She deserves someone better than that PoS husband that cheated with you. If he cheated on her before, he's not that great of a person.
Irishlove Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Post a link because I'm missing it. Either way. He needs to give her a list of therapists and let her go. She needs to move on. The helping her HAS to stop. Her threats are just threats. If she acts on it she will be baker acted. Stupid on her part. He needs to let her go all the way. He is giving her hope. The divorce papers should be signed and sealed.
BB07 Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Another odd thing is both the BS and Miranda both mentioned being married 20 years, now all the sudden it's 16 yrs.
bentnotbroken Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Post a link because I'm missing it. Either way. He needs to give her a list of therapists and let her go. She needs to move on. The helping her HAS to stop. Her threats are just threats. If she acts on it she will be baker acted. Stupid on her part. He needs to let her go all the way. He is giving her hope. The divorce papers should be signed and sealed. Allow me to introduce myself...I am one of those thousands who was stupid and tried it.
whichwayisup Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Post a link because I'm missing it. Either way. He needs to give her a list of therapists and let her go. She needs to move on. The helping her HAS to stop. Her threats are just threats. If she acts on it she will be baker acted. Stupid on her part. He needs to let her go all the way. He is giving her hope. The divorce papers should be signed and sealed. Sorry to be harsh, so a woman who's been with her husband for 17 years, probably been together for 20 if you including dating etc, should just GET OVER IT and accept it. Not everybody is strong! Not everybody can handle their life being turned upside down. Have some sympathy! Why is it OK for an OW to hang onto her MM, not able to stick to NC, to suffer and feel sad, miss him, want him, not able to stick to NC, caves when he contacts her yet when a BS who's life was turned upside down is told she's very messed up, is told to 'get over it'. And stupid for trying to kill herself. People do things that they normally wouldn't do when pushed past their emotional limit. This woman is ILL, she needs help, needs to be on meds, see a Dr, do counselling.. It really makes my blood boil when I see posts like this and people assume the BS is manipulating and playing the victim. This is why people can be KILLED. Crimes of passion! How many times have we seen on the News that an OW shot the BS, or the BS shot her H and the OW, or the OM killed his girlfriends husband!
Rose1977 Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Post a link because I'm missing it. Either way. He needs to give her a list of therapists and let her go. She needs to move on. The helping her HAS to stop. Her threats are just threats. If she acts on it she will be baker acted. Stupid on her part. He needs to let her go all the way. He is giving her hope. The divorce papers should be signed and sealed. The fact that you could write this knowing that (assuming this is not a troll situation) BS is on this site says a lot about you. Allow me to introduce myself along with Bent in all my stupidity. I pray to God that your friends and family have enough sense not to come to you if they are ever in a dark place, suffering and scared. I may be a BFG, so let me make it clear before I get bashed or accused of being bitter that I would react this way regardless of whether you were speaking this coldly about the life of a BS, OW, OM, whatever...... It's a LIFE! I really think this thread and the other one need to just be taken down in case this isn't a troll. If this IS real, this thread and the other one are just a recipe for disaster.
whichwayisup Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 The fact that you could write this knowing that (assuming this is not a troll situation) BS is on this site says a lot about you. Allow me to introduce myself along with Bent in all my stupidity. I pray to God that your friends and family have enough sense not to come to you if they are ever in a dark place, suffering and scared. I may be a BFG, so let me make it clear before I get bashed or accused of being bitter that I would react this way regardless of whether you were speaking this coldly about the life of a BS, OW, OM, whatever...... It's a LIFE! I really think this thread and the other one need to just be taken down in case this isn't a troll. If this IS real, this thread and the other one are just a recipe for disaster. Thank you for saying this. You are right, it really doesn't matter if she's a BS, OW, MW, she's a human being who's hurting like hell. You are far from bitter, you are reacting exactly how most should react. Shock and amazement that not only the OP, but others can't see how much pain the BS is truly is in. The ironic, or shall I say odd thing is, And sorry Irish, but here you are saying such harsh words, that the BS should get over it, she's stupid for maybe thinking about committing suicide, yet you can't do NC with your MM and have started a thread about it saying that you're not feeling strong. It isn't easy, is it? So why is it okay for an OW not to let go of her MM when he's made the choice to stay with his wife, yet when the husband decides to leave his wife, the BS MUST let go and accept it, not fight for her marriage?
OWoman Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 So if I had to do it over, while I love him more than I've ever loved anyone and felt more loved by him than I have from anyone I've been with, I would have to pass because I know if his wife would just get angry at him and move on then we would be happy together (very selfish I know) but she will probably drag him back to her just because he can't live with himself for devastating someone who gave so many years of life to him. It saddens me that he truly doesn't want to work on his marriage but would sacrafice his own happiness to make her ok again. I know he is trying to give it time in the hopes that she will be ok without him, but meanwhile I'm holding onto him every night and feeling closer to him because we are now living together and spending every day and night together and yet it may all be gone tomorrow. Miranda, no one can "make someone OK again". If this woman really is as broken as the posts paint, then "fixing" her is certainly not within his means. All he could do is delay the inevitable by returning her to her pre-existing condition of dependency and reliance on someone else to provide her with the motivation and validation that normal, healthy people provide for themselves. He will not be fixing her, merely hiding her brokenness better - until the next crisis that reveals it.
herenow Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Strangely enough, the BS showed absolutely no interested in Miranda's threads even though people pointed out to her that her husband's OW was posting here. Interesting that they are both so disinterested. Yes very interesting. If it is true that they are the same (not saying it's true since I haven't read much of either), this poster is spending a lot of time on a hoax. That would be a truly sad situation and waste of time.
Lorelei_Lane Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Honestly, the fact that the posters both spend so much time posting, etc, makes me think this is a real situation. That and truth is honestly stranger than fiction.
Snowflower Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 The ironic, or shall I say odd thing is, And sorry Irish, but here you are saying such harsh words, that the BS should get over it, she's stupid for maybe thinking about committing suicide, yet you can't do NC with your MM and have started a thread about it saying that you're not feeling strong. It isn't easy, is it? So why is it okay for an OW not to let go of her MM when he's made the choice to stay with his wife, yet when the husband decides to leave his wife, the BS MUST let go and accept it, not fight for her marriage? I would love to hear an OW's answer/perspective to this question. I've always wondered why it is okay for an OW to hang on and hope that the MM will come back but the BW is considered controlling if she does the same thing... To stay on topic...looking at the OP...most of it is about the wife's behavior. I doubt I'll get my answer though.
herenow Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 I would love to hear an OW's answer/perspective to this question. I've always wondered why it is okay for an OW to hang on and hope that the MM will come back but the BW is considered controlling if she does the same thing... To stay on topic...looking at the OP...most of it is about the wife's behavior. I doubt I'll get my answer though. Yeah, I wonder about that too. It's like the BW is supposed to graciously bow out, but the OW is a victim of love and can't help who she falls in love with.
fooled once Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Sorry to be harsh, so a woman who's been with her husband for 17 years, probably been together for 20 if you including dating etc, should just GET OVER IT and accept it. Not everybody is strong! Not everybody can handle their life being turned upside down. Have some sympathy! Why is it OK for an OW to hang onto her MM, not able to stick to NC, to suffer and feel sad, miss him, want him, not able to stick to NC, caves when he contacts her yet when a BS who's life was turned upside down is told she's very messed up, is told to 'get over it'. And stupid for trying to kill herself. People do things that they normally wouldn't do when pushed past their emotional limit. This woman is ILL, she needs help, needs to be on meds, see a Dr, do counselling.. It really makes my blood boil when I see posts like this and people assume the BS is manipulating and playing the victim. This is why people can be KILLED. Crimes of passion! How many times have we seen on the News that an OW shot the BS, or the BS shot her H and the OW, or the OM killed his girlfriends husband! Great post WWIU The fact that you could write this knowing that (assuming this is not a troll situation) BS is on this site says a lot about you. Allow me to introduce myself along with Bent in all my stupidity. I pray to God that your friends and family have enough sense not to come to you if they are ever in a dark place, suffering and scared. I may be a BFG, so let me make it clear before I get bashed or accused of being bitter that I would react this way regardless of whether you were speaking this coldly about the life of a BS, OW, OM, whatever...... It's a LIFE! I really think this thread and the other one need to just be taken down in case this isn't a troll. If this IS real, this thread and the other one are just a recipe for disaster. Great post Rose. Funny how some in the same type of situation can't see the forest through the trees and hang on and on and on....hoping to be a priority when they are only an option.
bentnotbroken Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Yeah, I wonder about that too. It's like the BW is supposed to graciously bow out, but the OW is a victim of love and can't help who she falls in love with. Not only gracefully bow out but take the high road if children are involved and make the everybody comfortable with a situation she didn't choose. Hmmmm....sounds like a fairytale.
Silly_Girl Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 I would love to hear an OW's answer/perspective to this question. I've always wondered why it is okay for an OW to hang on and hope that the MM will come back but the BW is considered controlling if she does the same thing... I don't think I've seen that posted, but then it may not have penetrated my head as I went along! Only thing I can think of regarding the perception of MM returning is that statistically there are more incidents of the MM returning to OW than W. What I mean is, on the whole it seems that when MM leaves, he leaves. There's USUALLY one 'leaving'. However, many R's experience multiple d-days and the WS may wait for the dust to settle then slowly rebuild some contact patten with AP. So maybe that's seen as a common factor. Dunno. Just thinking aloud
Silly_Girl Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 What a real piece of work he is. I would imagine hemorrhoids and loose bowels would be better than dealing with him. I pray his wife finds her strength and deal with him the way dodo should be dealt with. Extinction?
Silly_Girl Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Yeah, I wonder about that too. It's like the BW is supposed to graciously bow out, but the OW is a victim of love and can't help who she falls in love with. In my own situation I DID think she ought bow out gracefully, because that was what her H (my bf) had done when the shoe was on the other foot... But I should have known better. In principle though, you're right, that sort of behaviour, if tolerated for one ex, should be tolerated for the other.
Author miranda3379 Posted April 21, 2011 Author Posted April 21, 2011 Just to set some things straight- yes my MM's brother has a daughter named Lexi. Yes I have tried to search for his wife's posts on here but I don't know what forum she posts in. I haven't found anything so if someone would give me a link I would appreciate it. I admit I didn't look very hard because honestly I'm afraid to read her stuff. I'm curious- if it really is her (it could be his niece playing around I have no idea) then I'm scared I will find out something that MM lied to me about. I do know that MM's wife told him that everyone is telling her he is gone for good and that her marriage is over and to let him go. And she said she won't listen to anyone because she just wants him back. She has told him she forgives him for me and blames everything on me and doesn't feel any of it was his fault. I had another thread and it was deleted (not by me) I do not know why. I didn't receive any notification on my account. I figured someone complained about it or something. That makes him feel so much guilt because he wants her to be angry with him. He wants her to move on. I told him she is not going to move on in 2 months. He would be over the moon if she would just meet another guy and have someone to occupy her time. She actually asked him if he had any friends he could set her up with (I think she was probably being sarcastic) and he suggested a few. That is NOT someone who is still wanting to be married. He even told her to try online dating. That maybe she will meet someone that way. I believe he was checked out of his marriage long before I came along. Do I think she should bow out gracefully? No! I understand her pain but I hate that she won't even attempt to help herself. I hate that he feels obligated to 'fix' her. Because she doesn't want help. She just wants him back. Do I think it is selfish of me to want to be with him? YES. Do I think it is selfish of his wife to want to hold him hostage with her pain and keep someone around who has admitted he doesn't love her anymore and doesn't want to be married to her? YES. I honestly think he should attempt to get her help (and if she won't follow through than thats on her) and then go no contact with her. As it stands right now he will not let her contact him with phone calls, he will not see her in person. She is only allowed to text him. But she texts I love you and though he won't respond back in that way, he allows it and says if it makes her feel better he will let her do it. He will text back to her "get some sleep" or "stop it" or "good night" or "no". Every single day she texts asking him to stop over, to see his dogs, to go somewhere with her. And he always says no. While no contact with probably be the best thing, he feels that she really has no one to turn to so he doesn't want to totally allienate her in case she absolutely needs someone. He does not answer 75% of her texts too. He feels awful to cut her off like that but can think of no other way. I know that if he were to go back I would have to go no contact with him and I would respect that even though it would really hurt. I'm not saying he's a great guy or anything but he does recognize that she didn't do anything to deserve him cheating on her. I think his affair was an exit affair- that he thought if she found out he was unfaithful she would be furious and he could move on easily as opposed if he just wanted out she would fight for their marriage. As far as him living with me, until they have an agreement in place (which she refuses to discuss) he can't get an apartment of his own. As long as she is living in their house he is paying the mortgage. However she keeps saying she wants to move out but hasn't done anything about it. If she moves out and he gets an apartment (most apts are a year lease) he could not afford to pay the mortgage and bills for the house and then his apartment. Plus someone would need to be living at the house. So it makes more sense for him to stay with me until she decides what she is going to do.
Author miranda3379 Posted April 21, 2011 Author Posted April 21, 2011 And I just wanted to add as part of my warning- my MM isn't the same guy I fell in love with. He isn't as attentive and warm and good to me. He is exhausted and worn out from being bombarded by guilt and his wife's constant begging him to come back. He wants her to be ok and is starting to feel she may never be ok unless she has what she wants- him back. He said he cried at work the other day because he was seriously considering going back just to ease her pain and he was thinking of all the things we do together- how attached we are and how deeply he will hurt and miss me. He said he will feel like his wife does now but knows once he lets me go I will never give him another chance (true). He said he is so torn because he knows he would be happy with me and that we are so in love and could make it work. He said he will never feel anything other than a sense of responsibility toward his wife and a friendship type love and he dreads maybe having to go back. But that the guilt is eating him alive. I don't love him any less because he is stressed out, and not like he used to be. But I feel helpless because I can't take away the guilt he feels. And that is why this whole situation was just not worth it. Because in the end, everyone get hurts.
Irishlove Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 The fact that you could write this knowing that (assuming this is not a troll situation) BS is on this site says a lot about you. Allow me to introduce myself along with Bent in all my stupidity. I pray to God that your friends and family have enough sense not to come to you if they are ever in a dark place, suffering and scared. I may be a BFG, so let me make it clear before I get bashed or accused of being bitter that I would react this way regardless of whether you were speaking this coldly about the life of a BS, OW, OM, whatever...... It's a LIFE! I really think this thread and the other one need to just be taken down in case this isn't a troll. If this IS real, this thread and the other one are just a recipe for disaster. Writing that suicide is serious? He needs to help her by finding a list of therapists. He can not stop her from commiting suicide. I didn't say ignore it but by the man continueing being around it's driving the wife crazy (literally). I think you are taking what I'm saying out of text somehow. It happens on here. If she really is suicidal she needs to be baker acted. This is serious and not funny.
Irishlove Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Allow me to introduce myself...I am one of those thousands who was stupid and tried it. I didn't mean stupid in that text. I meant, it wouldn't be in her best interest to be baker acted if she isn't serious. I do believe the W should be taken serious. The MM is telling her he wants out. I think the W needs help quickly. I've also been cheated on. I've also been suicidal I understand. What I said what taken out of text. I just type but you can't hear my tone. I'm saying she needs help and he doesn't seem to be helping. I hope this clears it up.
bentnotbroken Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 I didn't mean stupid in that text. I meant, it wouldn't be in her best interest to be baker acted if she isn't serious. I do believe the W should be taken serious. The MM is telling her he wants out. I think the W needs help quickly. I've also been cheated on. I've also been suicidal I understand. What I said what taken out of text. I just type but you can't hear my tone. I'm saying she needs help and he doesn't seem to be helping. I hope this clears it up. Indeed it does. I agree he isn't doing anything but tormenting(if these are real people) and he needs to be__________, as soon as possible.
Author miranda3379 Posted April 21, 2011 Author Posted April 21, 2011 My MM has given his wife phone numbers of counselors and psychiatrists to contact. She refuses. He has contacted her friend and her friend got upset with him and told him he needs to come home. He has asked her to get in touch with her siblings to help her out. She refuses. He has contacted them and they have said they will look after her but to his knowledge they have not (she is not close to anyone in her family). She works in the medical profession so she could easily ask a dr. she is friends with to write her a prescription for her nerves or an anti depressant. But she refuses to. I can not say whether or not her threats are real. MM does not even know. It worries him because he thinks that if she becomes any more desperate she may attempt such a thing. But she has been alone for almost a month and though she contacts him almost every day (it has gotten worse recently) begging him to come back she hasn't tried to harm herself. I think he is afraid if he doesn't do the bare minimum and respond to some of her texts that it might drive her over the edge. Other than MM having her declared mentally incompetent (which I imagine would be a huge embarassement to her and may cost her her job) I do not see how else he can help her aside from what he has tried. She has to want to accept help from someone or seek it out on her own.
BB07 Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Just to set some things straight- yes my MM's brother has a daughter named Lexi. Yes I have tried to search for his wife's posts on here but I don't know what forum she posts in. I haven't found anything so if someone would give me a link I would appreciate it. I admit I didn't look very hard because honestly I'm afraid to read her stuff. I'm curious- if it really is her (it could be his niece playing around I have no idea) then I'm scared I will find out something that MM lied to me about. I do know that MM's wife told him that everyone is telling her he is gone for good and that her marriage is over and to let him go. And she said she won't listen to anyone because she just wants him back. She has told him she forgives him for me and blames everything on me and doesn't feel any of it was his fault. I had another thread and it was deleted (not by me) I do not know why. I didn't receive any notification on my account. I figured someone complained about it or something. OK, let's go with the premise that you are real for a few minutes. Wouldn't the infidelity section be the obvious place to look and hey you've already been told what the name is and yes you should go read it as it will show you the raw pain this woman is in. That makes him feel so much guilt because he wants her to be angry with him. He wants her to move on. I told him she is not going to move on in 2 months. He would be over the moon if she would just meet another guy and have someone to occupy her time. She actually asked him if he had any friends he could set her up with (I think she was probably being sarcastic) and he suggested a few. That is NOT someone who is still wanting to be married. He even told her to try online dating. That maybe she will meet someone that way. I believe he was checked out of his marriage long before I came along. He should feel guilt because he has done a terrible awful thing to her and if he didn't feel guilt he would be a true sociopath. He has been and still is deluding himself thinking someone else is going to come along and make everything OK for her and I doubt it will do much for his guilt. Do I think she should bow out gracefully? No! I understand her pain but I hate that she won't even attempt to help herself. I hate that he feels obligated to 'fix' her. Because she doesn't want help. She just wants him back. Do I think it is selfish of me to want to be with him? YES. Do I think it is selfish of his wife to want to hold him hostage with her pain and keep someone around who has admitted he doesn't love her anymore and doesn't want to be married to her? YES. It doesn't matter what her reasons are for doing what she is doing. She IS his wife and you really have no right to cast your judgment upon her. I honestly think he should attempt to get her help (and if she won't follow through than thats on her) and then go no contact with her. As it stands right now he will not let her contact him with phone calls, he will not see her in person. She is only allowed to text him. But she texts I love you and though he won't respond back in that way, he allows it and says if it makes her feel better he will let her do it. He will text back to her "get some sleep" or "stop it" or "good night" or "no". Every single day she texts asking him to stop over, to see his dogs, to go somewhere with her. And he always says no. While no contact with probably be the best thing, he feels that she really has no one to turn to so he doesn't want to totally allienate her in case she absolutely needs someone. He does not answer 75% of her texts too. He feels awful to cut her off like that but can think of no other way. I know that if he were to go back I would have to go no contact with him and I would respect that even though it would really hurt. The best thing he could do for her is tell her family that she needs help and he needs to cut her off completely. That is the only way she is going to accept the finality of it. I'm not saying he's a great guy or anything but he does recognize that she didn't do anything to deserve him cheating on her. I think his affair was an exit affair- that he thought if she found out he was unfaithful she would be furious and he could move on easily as opposed if he just wanted out she would fight for their marriage. If you don't think he is a great guy for doing this, then why do you keep enabling him to do it? You are speaking out of both sides of your mouth. As far as him living with me, until they have an agreement in place (which she refuses to discuss) he can't get an apartment of his own. As long as she is living in their house he is paying the mortgage. However she keeps saying she wants to move out but hasn't done anything about it. If she moves out and he gets an apartment (most apts are a year lease) he could not afford to pay the mortgage and bills for the house and then his apartment. Plus someone would need to be living at the house. So it makes more sense for him to stay with me until she decides what she is going to do. Of course she isn't going to do anything, his contact with her, no matter how limited IS contact and she sees that as hope. And I just wanted to add as part of my warning- my MM isn't the same guy I fell in love with. He isn't as attentive and warm and good to me. He is exhausted and worn out from being bombarded by guilt and his wife's constant begging him to come back. He wants her to be ok and is starting to feel she may never be ok unless she has what she wants- him back. He said he cried at work the other day because he was seriously considering going back just to ease her pain and he was thinking of all the things we do together- how attached we are and how deeply he will hurt and miss me. He said he will feel like his wife does now but knows once he lets me go I will never give him another chance (true). He said he is so torn because he knows he would be happy with me and that we are so in love and could make it work. He said he will never feel anything other than a sense of responsibility toward his wife and a friendship type love and he dreads maybe having to go back. But that the guilt is eating him alive. Him going back won't help her at all, it might ease his guilt a bit but it won't help her, in fact it could push her completely over the edge. As said many times the best thing he can do is complete NC and tell her family to take care of her. As for you and him........his guilt and your guilt (will come eventually) will destroy your relationship. Both of you are going to have to deal with what you have done and it won't be pretty. I don't see any way that you two will survive it. I don't love him any less because he is stressed out, and not like he used to be. But I feel helpless because I can't take away the guilt he feels. And that is why this whole situation was just not worth it. Because in the end, everyone get hurts. IMO there isn't a chance in hell that your relationship with him will ever work out nor will he ever be able to work things out with her either. She will eventually hate him for what he has done and he will hate himself for doing it. The best thing would be for you to end it now before something worse happens and you have to deal with that on your conscious. No one wins.......Miranda, no one can possibly come out of this with any semblance of happiness and peace and it will take years if not a lifetime to put this behind all three of you. Yours is the kind of situation that we see on television news or dateline programs in which someone does something crazy and has lifetime consequences and the sooner you remove yourself maybe it will be less likely to happen.
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