That_girl Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 Do I really have such little self-esteem? He cheated on me, and although he was really genuinely sorry- I just couldn't get past it. And why should I? It wasn't the only thing. He was borderline abusive- psychologically and physically. I guess there is something wrong with me too if I put up with this type of behaviour.
Author That_girl Posted April 19, 2011 Author Posted April 19, 2011 I just want to say (as the DUMPER in my situation), that it's not always easier for the one that ends it. What if the other person mistreated you or left with no other choice? That's the ****ty part about being the dumper sometimes. You KNOW that the dumpee is not willing to change, or can't change- and yet you have to be the one that ends it. They end up hating you a bit, and then they move on. And you end up stuck and wondering how they forgot about you so easily. I just see alot of posts on here stating that it's the dumper who should beg their dumpee for a second chance. I think in many cases that's true....but it a lot of situations- the dumpee should be coming back- with a promise to change their behaviour. When they stop begging and pleading, I think that is the point that they finally realize that they themselves can't change. My ex shook me, punched walls and his fists around me. And during our break up talk, he informed that I was overreacting and that sometimes he just has to hit a wall because he loses control. But that of course he NEVER hit me. BULL*****.
noleaf Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 hey that girl In response to your original post - there is nothing wrong wih you - just because you still feel like you want to be with your ex. It's called love and most people can't just click there fingers and stop loving someone, even if you know they have done something to hurt you. If you know that you shouldn't be with him, then the best thing you can do is NC and stay away from him. Eventually things will get easier. If he has been treating you like crap its likely that this has knocked your self-esteem and you may feel that he is the best you an expect. This isn't true, you deserve better and there will be someone to treat you better. In response to your second post, i agree with what you are saying. As the dumper myself in a situation where i felt as if i had no choice but to dump him, it is horrible to be in that situation. Almost like, you are the one suffering becuase you have to let them go - but at the same time your they 'bad guy' for ending the relationship. Either way, i agree with what your saying, and what i think i've come to realise is that, if an ex partner has truly done something wrong in a relationship, they should be the one's to apologise, whether they dumped you or you dumped them. They should be mature and self-aware enough to realise that they have done wrong, and they should want to apologise for their behaviour. If they dont do that, they're either to pig-headed or immature to realise how wrong they really were, and so dont deserve to be given a chance with you. x x x
Author That_girl Posted April 19, 2011 Author Posted April 19, 2011 Thanks for the reply noleaf. He did apologize, it's just that all of my friends were telling me to stay away from him. And eventually I listened. I had doubts throughout the whole thing. I guess I never got over the cheating thing, and I made him pay for it every chance I got.
Flgirl44 Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 I learned this lesson the hard way. That I could not get over the cheating, and that just because you love someone doesn't mean you have unfinished business or you have to be with them. I love my ex still, but he has made the terrain too treacherous to navigate any further. That is the sad part about the cheating, you don't stop loving them right away and they just put you in a position of questioning how much you love and value yourself. It's like pushing someone out on stage then saying " okay make everyone laugh now!" It's a lot of pressure and some people can work it out and put on a show but others don't have it in them. I didn't know which person I was so I tried it out, turns out I don't have it in me to get over it.
DollyGirl12 Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 I completely agree with you. I was also the dumper and it wasn't something I had planned or been previously thinking about. Just found out what he was doing behind my back and I knew I deserved better than to be with someone who trolls the Craigslist personals and escort services. ICKKKKKK!!!! I wouldn't have guessed in a million years that he was so slimy. My friends and family were shocked. But, had I gone back to him after him doing something like that I would have completely lost respect for myself, and I'm sure everyone would have wondered what the heck was wrong with me that I would even want to be with someone who did those kind of things. I'd rather be alone forever than with someone like that. The abuse you talk about is also concerning. Even without the cheating I would be very leary of being with someone who has abusive tendencies. That is what you would have to live the rest of your life with, and it doesn't usually get better unless that person goes through intensive therapy and is very serious about changing. Most people like that aren't willing to look hard inside themselves and make those changes. Stay strong. Get over those "humps" and stay away from him!! Make your list of pros and cons and read it every single day.
Author That_girl Posted April 19, 2011 Author Posted April 19, 2011 I am sooooo tempted to call him now!!!! Ugh sometimes I'm going to explode. Others I miss him or HATE his guts. I still love him. But yes, I just can't accept it. I can't accept that he is going to walk away from this and eventually get over it and move onto to the next. While I'll be sitting here with all of the residual trust and self-esteem issues that he left me with!!!!! It's so frustrating. I'm such he's hurt now too, but he will walk away from this with LESS damage than I will, even though the damage that he has inflicted is far worse. I'd love to give other people advice on here and tell them that it will get better. BUt I just don't believe it myself. My ex has so more goin on than I do. He's better educated, better looking, and more well-rounded. I just want to be on that level, but I feel like as long as I'm less worthy than him- the less likely it is that I'll get over it. He tried to control so many things about me, he was constantly trying to get me to cut my hair a certain way, or follow a recipe the 'right' way, or spend less money on 'useless' things, or quit smoking cigarettes, or read the news more, or find better things to do with my time.......UGH I just got so sick of it! It really started to mess with my self-esteem. It was like I constantly needed upgrading or something. When in reality, I'm not perfect but at least I didn't betray his trust by cheating. I also didn't try to control/ criticize his every move. I constantly complimented the mother****er! ALWAYS. Every time he produced a new piece of work he would show it to me because he knew that I'd provide him compliments and narcissistic supply. Of course it was rarely reciprocated. One time I made a comment about his work and he took it the wrong way and said that I constantly have to "crap on everything. And turn everything into a negative." It's totally not true, now I see that he just wanted to manipulate me. He would get upset while I was on the phone with friends, or if I made plans without consulting him first. And then if I did end up going out without him, he would call/ text a few times and then SULK like a little baby when I got back to his place. Apparently his previous ex said that he was "a child that needed to grow up" and I could totally see what she was talking about it. At first I felt sorry for him when he told me what a "psycho" she was....until I got to know HIM a little better. **** THAT. Oh God.....i'm over the urge to call him already THANK YOU LOVESHACK!
Flgirl44 Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 That_girl--I am sooooo tempted to call him now!!!! Ugh sometimes I'm going to explode. Others I miss him or HATE his guts. I still love him. But yes, I just can't accept it. I can't accept that he is going to walk away from this and eventually get over it and move onto to the next. While I'll be sitting here with all of the residual trust and self-esteem issues that he left me with!!!!! It's so frustrating. I'm such he's hurt now too, but he will walk away from this with LESS damage than I will, even though the damage that he has inflicted is far worse. That part of the cheating is the worst because for a while you feel you got the short end of the stick. But when the smoke clears you will actually feel bad for them. They might be incapable of feeling true love, or showing it, allowing themselves to feel it whatever. Bottom line is they are the ones with the problem and they can't run from themselves. No matter where they go, there they are. It all comes around eventually and they will have to come to terms with themselves one way or another. I'd love to give other people advice on here and tell them that it will get better. BUt I just don't believe it myself. My ex has so more goin on than I do. He's better educated, better looking, and more well-rounded. I just want to be on that level, but I feel like as long as I'm less worthy than him- the less likely it is that I'll get over it. Start finding things you are good at and take pride in them. When you are this beat down you need to start small. Take pride in getting up and taking a shower and doing your hair. Feel good that you did the dishes or started reading a book. Have the little things built up to big things. 'Today I met with someone from a local university, applied for jobs, talked to the cute guy at the park etc....' He tried to control so many things about me, he was constantly trying to get me to cut my hair a certain way, or follow a recipe the 'right' way, or spend less money on 'useless' things, or quit smoking cigarettes, or read the news more, or find better things to do with my time.......UGH I just got so sick of it! It really started to mess with my self-esteem. It was like I constantly needed upgrading or something. When in reality, I'm not perfect but at least I didn't betray his trust by cheating. I also didn't try to control/ criticize his every move. Bad signs. If you weren't his ideal to the point of making it a source of contention in the relationship then he should've probably broken up with you. Not bring your self esteem down. I feel like cheaters will settle for less than the best (in their mind) only to use those same things they don't like about their SO against them or justify the cheating. I constantly complimented the mother****er! ALWAYS. Every time he produced a new piece of work he would show it to me because he knew that I'd provide him compliments and narcissistic supply. Of course it was rarely reciprocated. One time I made a comment about his work and he took it the wrong way and said that I constantly have to "crap on everything. And turn everything into a negative." It's totally not true, now I see that he just wanted to manipulate me. I dated an artist and he did the same thing. He would get upset while I was on the phone with friends, or if I made plans without consulting him first. And then if I did end up going out without him, he would call/ text a few times and then SULK like a little baby when I got back to his place. Apparently his previous ex said that he was "a child that needed to grow up" and I could totally see what she was talking about it. At first I felt sorry for him when he told me what a "psycho" she was....until I got to know HIM a little better. **** THAT. Oh God.....i'm over the urge to call him already THANK YOU LOVESHACK! It does get better. I know it sounds cheesy but I started working in my garden. When im angry or sad I go out there and pull some weeds or plant something. So far my garden looks really nice this year and it's turned an ugly thing into something beautiful.
DollyGirl12 Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 Psycho.....a very commonly used word, especially with a narcissist. They are to self consumed to see that they are the ones with the real mental problems. And Narcissistic Supply....Keep that word in your head. Is that all you want to be to someone??? Absolutely not!!!!
Author That_girl Posted April 19, 2011 Author Posted April 19, 2011 Thanks for the replies ladies. I appreciate it so much. Dolly_Girl12....ALL of my friends call him a "psycho". And these are people that are MUTUAL friends. Some of them were even closer with him than me at a certain point. Everyone seems to see it but me. I don't know...it just feels ****ty knowing that I wasn't perfect. Or his IDEAL. But if he really is crazy and narcissistic.....NO ONE will ever live up to that ideal. I'm TOO good for anyway. The only things about him that are better are completely superficial. He's a doorknob sometimes, just really hot. Pffff....... I'm so hurt over this guy. I HOPE you guys are right and that eventually I won't care about him at all.
Jerrica Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 that girl..........I really hope it gets easier, as I am in the SAME boat as you. boyfriend was abusive, narcissistic, made me feel like I was to blame, these guys really know how to get control of us! Lets try to stay strong and keep NC ok? I'm struggling so much with this too, I want to talk to him so bad. But we have to do what's best for US, and that is getting these abusive men our of our heads! We can do this together because we deserve a guy that won't abuse us!!!
noleaf Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 that girl...i totally understand where you're coming from - sometimes its hard to stay positive and think 'there will be someone else for me'...but there will be. Someone who truly deserves you. All i can say is that from what you've written you seem like a genuinely nice person, and the things that are making it so difficult for you right now - like still loving your ex - are the things that make you a nice person. It would be far more worrying if you just went ' ahh ok that's fine, i'll stop caring and loving you then'. I had a similar situation with my ex-ex-ex. And when he finally left me (i didnt have the strength to split with him, i adored him and was a little fearful of him too) all the love i felt for him still both confused me and made it so much more painful to not contact him. But in the long run, it was ok. I got over him eventually and moved on. And the love that i had for him just gradually transformed into a feeling of care - like i care about him and i hope he is happy with his life, but i'm not interested in being part of that life. And thats kind of nice....i've seen other girls become bitter about ex's and be all angry and hateful for years, and ultimately do themselves more psychological damage. I now recognise his shortcomings, but i don't resent him or out time together. And now, given time, i'm kind of glad that i never got bitter and hateful about the whole thing, because now when i think back i just feel sorry that he is that kind of person who will prob always treat girls bad and have heartbreaks - and i feel glad that i didnt lost the ability to love, cos i've since had other really happy and good relationships. Hope this made sense, its late here so i may be rambling a bit!!! Keep strong hun, you do deserve better x x x
DollyGirl12 Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 Thanks for the replies ladies. I appreciate it so much. Dolly_Girl12....ALL of my friends call him a "psycho". And these are people that are MUTUAL friends. Some of them were even closer with him than me at a certain point. Everyone seems to see it but me. I don't know...it just feels ****ty knowing that I wasn't perfect. Or his IDEAL. But if he really is crazy and narcissistic.....NO ONE will ever live up to that ideal. I'm TOO good for anyway. The only things about him that are better are completely superficial. He's a doorknob sometimes, just really hot. Pffff....... I'm so hurt over this guy. I HOPE you guys are right and that eventually I won't care about him at all. Well, my ex would always play those games. If I brought something up that was bothering me with regard to a disrespectful behavior, etc., he would automatically drop me an email asking me if I was psycho, nuts, what's wrong with you, and so on. Makes you question as to whether or not you are being reasonable or not. This is a way of turning the situation around so that they don't have to deal with the issue that was brought up. They create an issue to try to make you wonder what you did wrong. EXPERTS at doing this!! And yeah, if he's narcissistic at all he will just repeat the same patterns over and over again. They are never truly happy. And if and when they do settle down with someone they will make that other person completely crazy. Think of this as A BLESSING IN DISGUISE!!!!!
DollyGirl12 Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 And P.S. These can be the most traumatic relationships of all to get over, and take the longest, emotionally. What you are going through is completely normal.
Author That_girl Posted April 21, 2011 Author Posted April 21, 2011 Well. It's just been difficult to accept that this guy is finished with me for good. He hasn't attempted to contact me since last week. And when we did talk, he wasn't exactly begging me to come back. Just saying he didn't understand why I'm doing this. I don't even know anymore. I move into my own apartment next week. It's the first time I'll ever have lived completely alone.....and I'm terrified that I'll be tempted to go back to him.
noleaf Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Well. It's just been difficult to accept that this guy is finished with me for good. He hasn't attempted to contact me since last week. And when we did talk, he wasn't exactly begging me to come back. Just saying he didn't understand why I'm doing this. I don't even know anymore. I move into my own apartment next week. It's the first time I'll ever have lived completely alone.....and I'm terrified that I'll be tempted to go back to him. Make sure you surround yourself with good supportive people who make you happy, keep busy and maybe try lining something up in your life that you can work towards - like learning a new skill/hobby/voluntary work/education. Just do whatever you can to keep your mind away from him. I think it will be hard if you're living alone not to think about him and be more tempted to return to him...but just do what you can to minimise the amount of time you'll be by yourself with your thoughts. At first keeping busy and stuff is really hard and a struggle, but in my experience it ends up being the way that you get your life back together, because by keeping busy you end up meeting lots of new people and your life moves on.... hope things get easier for you soon hun x x x
yolatanga Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 I am sooooo tempted to call him now!!!! Ugh sometimes I'm going to explode. Others I miss him or HATE his guts. I still love him. But yes, I just can't accept it. I can't accept that he is going to walk away from this and eventually get over it and move onto to the next. While I'll be sitting here with all of the residual trust and self-esteem issues that he left me with!!!!! It's so frustrating. I'm such he's hurt now too, but he will walk away from this with LESS damage than I will, even though the damage that he has inflicted is far worse. I'd love to give other people advice on here and tell them that it will get better. BUt I just don't believe it myself. My ex has so more goin on than I do. He's better educated, better looking, and more well-rounded. I just want to be on that level, but I feel like as long as I'm less worthy than him- the less likely it is that I'll get over it. He tried to control so many things about me, he was constantly trying to get me to cut my hair a certain way, or follow a recipe the 'right' way, or spend less money on 'useless' things, or quit smoking cigarettes, or read the news more, or find better things to do with my time.......UGH I just got so sick of it! It really started to mess with my self-esteem. It was like I constantly needed upgrading or something. When in reality, I'm not perfect but at least I didn't betray his trust by cheating. I also didn't try to control/ criticize his every move. I constantly complimented the mother****er! ALWAYS. Every time he produced a new piece of work he would show it to me because he knew that I'd provide him compliments and narcissistic supply. Of course it was rarely reciprocated. One time I made a comment about his work and he took it the wrong way and said that I constantly have to "crap on everything. And turn everything into a negative." It's totally not true, now I see that he just wanted to manipulate me. He would get upset while I was on the phone with friends, or if I made plans without consulting him first. And then if I did end up going out without him, he would call/ text a few times and then SULK like a little baby when I got back to his place. Apparently his previous ex said that he was "a child that needed to grow up" and I could totally see what she was talking about it. At first I felt sorry for him when he told me what a "psycho" she was....until I got to know HIM a little better. **** THAT. Oh God.....i'm over the urge to call him already THANK YOU LOVESHACK! OMG, maybe you went out with my ex? My ex did the exact same thing to me accept the cheating part. He controlled me, put me down and was insecure if I didn't pay 100% attention to him. He would have these voilent meltdowns and accuse me of things I didn't do. We finally broke when he had his last violent freak out and it's been 6 mos. I pine for him, but realize he blew it and he's not worthy of me. When I see him he has the nerve to act like I did something horrible to him. That's because he's a coward and can't face the horrible things he did. If he was miserable for 8 yrs, he should have left a long time ago instead of tearing my self-esteem apart. Don't call him. I did that and was ignored. Which makes you feel worse. He would only e-mail me crumbs, but never acknowledge me in public. I cut that off finally. Hang in there. Come here instead of calling. Good luck.
Recommended Posts