Cathster Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 OK, I'm trying really hard to think of an explanation for this, but it's difficult. I'm at my SO's at the moment, staying here for 2 weeks. He's at work during the day and I'm at home. Yesterday I was looking for something in one of his cupboards and found a box of condoms. No biggie perhaps but there was 1 missing, and it's obviously a box of condoms he bought here as it has 'America' splashed across the top of them. So I asked him when he got home and he laughed and said he'd just had them for ages, and he didn't have any excuse or justification for it. I was like "Oh, were these the ones you had back in England?" I knew we used a different kind, the one time we used them when we first got together. I'm on the pill so we never use condoms at all. He said yes, and that it said America on because they're imported. But it has a dollar price sticker on the bottom? It just seems to me like they've been bought while he's been living out here, while we've been LD. We lived together back in England, and I've never seen them before. My SO really isn't the sort to cheat, so I'm finding this very hard to understand. He's not really given me an explanation as to why he has them, apart from that he's 'had them for ages'. He kept saying to stop thinking and worrying about it. He also said that if something had happened would he have left them there so easily for me to find. I don't know whether I should just leave well enough alone, because I've already asked him once - he will get annoyed if I bring it up again and that will inevitably lead to another argument Any advice appreciated
creighton0123 Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 He has condoms. The two of you should be using them. Condoms exist for more than just birth control. You'd need a few more red flags before jumping to conclusions.
Author Cathster Posted April 19, 2011 Author Posted April 19, 2011 With all due respect I wasn't asking for advice on using condoms. It's kind of hard not to jump to conclusions (especially as being in a LDR has made me sometimes insecure) as I didn't really get a straight answer out of him. But then he's never been great about articulating! I think I will just leave it be for now and put it down to my irrational paranoia, hah. Thanks for responding
Snuffy Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 If you really trust your partner, as you have indicated he is not one to cheat, then yes you are being paranoid. If you don't trust your partner, then you aren't being paranoid and should look at the reasons you don't trust him. If you acknowledge that it is your own insecurity driving you, then perhaps you should just use the method of trust but verify, which is not the same thing as to accuse. You could, for example, check the expiration date on the condoms to give you an indication of how old they are or see if the price tag has a date on it, if you just need to reassure yourself. If they are really old or coming up on the expiration date, then maybe they really are old just as he has said and nothing more needs to be brought up. It's ok to be having insecurities. It's a natural part of the relationship and we all have moments where we want re-assurance.
HeavenOrHell Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 What does your gut feeling say? It sounds like he's highly unlikely to cheat and he probably would have hidden them right away if he was hiding anything. I know in my gut my partner wouldn't cheat, hopefully you know your partner wouldn't either But it's also natural to have little niggles in LDR's cos they're so far away you're not sharing their day to day life, and it's easy to over think things.
creighton0123 Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 With all due respect I wasn't asking for advice on using condoms. It's kind of hard not to jump to conclusions (especially as being in a LDR has made me sometimes insecure) as I didn't really get a straight answer out of him. But then he's never been great about articulating! I think I will just leave it be for now and put it down to my irrational paranoia, hah. Thanks for responding I agree. Doubt and insecurity are two emotions that one must face being in an LDR, especially for the partner with the "left behind" sentiment if it exists. FYI, I'm a bit of a condom enthusiast (volunteer sex counselor) and it manifests on here sometimes. My message when it comes to condoms is always generally the same. Use condoms until you're both tested for STD's/HIV after a six month window and continue using until you mutually decide that you are 100% monogamous and any cases of infidelity need to be raised immediately and calmly discussed. Edit: Sorry if I seemed too up front. I've just seen a few too many young women test positive because they opted for the pill instead of condom use with a partner without thinking about testing for other things.
Author Cathster Posted April 20, 2011 Author Posted April 20, 2011 That's okay creighton, I understand. We were both each other's firsts, and have never been with anyone else which is why we only use the pill. If he had been with someone before me then I would have been sure to use a condom and get tested etc. Thanks for the replies, it feels good to know that I am not being a completely crazy paranoid girlfriend. I did end up bringing the issue up again. I do trust him and I could not imagine him cheating, which is why I was obsessing so much over it I think. I've never in the four years we've been together had a doubt about him being faithful. It was the missing condom that just turned everything sideways for a bit! It's all resolved now anyway, so I had nothing to worry about after all that, and can just enjoy the rest of the time we have left together before the countdown starts again! Thanks guys
creighton0123 Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 It was the missing condom that just turned everything sideways for a bit! Thanks guys Heh. I most likely will not be the first guy to tell you that I've messed around with condoms and put them on just for the hell of it, with no intention of using it with another person. Consider it "going to the batting cage" with no intention of actually stepping up to the plate in a live game.
aerogurl87 Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 He has condoms. The two of you should be using them. Condoms exist for more than just birth control. You'd need a few more red flags before jumping to conclusions. Not to get off topic, but creighton I gotta disagree with you on this. If you're in a long term, committed relationship where you trust your partner 100% and the woman in the relationship is on a form of birth control, you do not need to use condoms. But that's my take on it. Anyway cathster, I think if it really bothers you then you need to sit your boyfriend down and tell him exactly how you feel. Tell him that him having those makes you feel somewhat suspicious since you and him don't use them anymore. Also tell him why you feel suspicious about them and do it in a calm manner. If he gets defensive or anything, then I say you're not paranoid but on to something.
creighton0123 Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Not to get off topic, but creighton I gotta disagree with you on this. If you're in a long term, committed relationship where you trust your partner 100% and the woman in the relationship is on a form of birth control, you do not need to use condoms. But that's my take on it. This is bad advice because it is missing one important component. Trust is fine and dandy, but unprotected sex even when beaming with trust and other forms of birth control should not occur unless both partners have been tested and cleared of STD's/HIV. I hear too many stories from both straight women and men who end up testing HIV positive because they skipped that important step and thought STD's didn't merit consideration - a few of whom were told by their partners that they were virgins. P.S. It's part of my mission in life to do everything I can to ensure people are educated enough to practice safer sexual health. I stand firm: The pill is no excuse to abandon condoms until both partners have been tested and cleared, despite spoken past sexual history.
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