i'mfaraway Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 I have a friend that really wants to find a man. She was most recently in a fwb situation, not out of choice but because the guy told her he doesn't want to be in a relationship. I told her she shouldn't be in it since she isn't happy with such an arrangement. Fast forward to yesterday. She told me how upset she is that she hasn't found the one, told me what the tarot card readers told her, and basically talked my ears off about her sorry state. I empathize but it isn't like I'm in a great situation myself. After listening to her, I felt down. Anyone else has friends like that? How do you deal without telling a person feeling sorry about herself to f*** off? If you have such friends, how do you feel listening to them going pessimistic on you?
BiscuitXOXO Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 I can't 100% relate, but I can 50% relate. I have a guy friend who likes to emote about this kind of stuff I think he likes me, but since he says he doesn't, whatever. But I basically tell him to find other girls. I purposefully make myself unavailable to him. Then I put him out of my mind and go find other men who don't use me as a sounding board I suppose its easier for me though, as a girl, since if I tell him off he doesn't cry or complain to his friends or whatever girls do when guys are harsh with them.
Author i'mfaraway Posted April 19, 2011 Author Posted April 19, 2011 I can relate 50 percent. The common point is what these friends do bother us, to varying degrees. But you're right. If my friend was a guy, I'd just tell her to f*** off. I don't feel right doing it to my friend but it affects my emotions!
orangelady Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 I have a friend that really wants to find a man. She was most recently in a fwb situation, not out of choice but because the guy told her he doesn't want to be in a relationship. I told her she shouldn't be in it since she isn't happy with such an arrangement. Fast forward to yesterday. She told me how upset she is that she hasn't found the one, told me what the tarot card readers told her, and basically talked my ears off about her sorry state. I empathize but it isn't like I'm in a great situation myself. After listening to her, I felt down. Anyone else has friends like that? How do you deal without telling a person feeling sorry about herself to f*** off? If you have such friends, how do you feel listening to them going pessimistic on you? This is exactly why I choose not to talk about my singledom to ANYone I know in real life be it friends, family or anything. I only talk about it online with strangers.
Author i'mfaraway Posted April 19, 2011 Author Posted April 19, 2011 This is exactly why I choose not to talk about my singledom to ANYone I know in real life be it friends, family or anything. I only talk about it online with strangers. No, I get that sometimes we feel down about singledom. But this friend tries to get in whatever chance she has to talk about it. It's depressing. I've distanced myself from her so I don't have to listen to it as much as I used to. Is it "wrong" of me to let her problems affect me?
TigerCub Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 I have a friend that really wants to find a man. She was most recently in a fwb situation, not out of choice but because the guy told her he doesn't want to be in a relationship. I told her she shouldn't be in it since she isn't happy with such an arrangement. Fast forward to yesterday. She told me how upset she is that she hasn't found the one, told me what the tarot card readers told her, and basically talked my ears off about her sorry state. I empathize but it isn't like I'm in a great situation myself. After listening to her, I felt down. Anyone else has friends like that? How do you deal without telling a person feeling sorry about herself to f*** off? If you have such friends, how do you feel listening to them going pessimistic on you? I think with friends like that, you need to give them honest but supportive comments. Its ok to sympathise with them, but if you're just doing it all the time, that's why they keep coming to bitch to you. Instead maybe its time to be supportive, but also suggest things they can do to solve their problem. For example: "yeah, it sucks being single sometimes, I get that, but I honestly don't think you're gonna find that guy you want if you just become **** buddies with them - no judgment" or "yeah, I understand that its hard for you to meet new people, but honestly hon, if you're spending 50% of your time @ work and the other 50% here with me - uhm... I luv ya, but I'm not gonna date ya Maybe you can try taking up a hobby or class or something you like and meet people that way..." "point is, yes sometimes being single can be lonely, but you can find someone of quality you just need to get out there and get to know people, and not move way too fast when you do date them" see - lots of advice, that's supportive but also encourages your friend to find a solution. And hey, that way you can help her, and not avoid her, and if she doesn't like the advice you give, I'm sure in time, she'll just stop bitching to you about it.
Author i'mfaraway Posted April 19, 2011 Author Posted April 19, 2011 I think with friends like that, you need to give them honest but supportive comments. Its ok to sympathise with them, but if you're just doing it all the time, that's why they keep coming to bitch to you. Instead maybe its time to be supportive, but also suggest things they can do to solve their problem. For example: "yeah, it sucks being single sometimes, I get that, but I honestly don't think you're gonna find that guy you want if you just become **** buddies with them - no judgment" or "yeah, I understand that its hard for you to meet new people, but honestly hon, if you're spending 50% of your time @ work and the other 50% here with me - uhm... I luv ya, but I'm not gonna date ya Maybe you can try taking up a hobby or class or something you like and meet people that way..." "point is, yes sometimes being single can be lonely, but you can find someone of quality you just need to get out there and get to know people, and not move way too fast when you do date them" see - lots of advice, that's supportive but also encourages your friend to find a solution. And hey, that way you can help her, and not avoid her, and if she doesn't like the advice you give, I'm sure in time, she'll just stop bitching to you about it. I've done most, if not all, that you've mentioned. Other friends and I have tried talking her out of the fwb to little effect. I've been supportive when she talks about her issues. The thing is she always knows or pretends to be strong. She would go about her situation and then say it how she shouldn't think about it or that she will be positive, but all in a monotone and sad voice. She doesn't believe in that but she puts on a front, and that makes it even more depressing.
SweetDaphne Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 No, I get that sometimes we feel down about singledom. But this friend tries to get in whatever chance she has to talk about it. It's depressing. I've distanced myself from her so I don't have to listen to it as much as I used to. Is it "wrong" of me to let her problems affect me? It's not wrong of you, because really how can you stop them from affecting you? You're just that kind of person. Someone who cares about others and can't help but see the correlation in your circumstances. However, you need not be as 'down' as this girl is making you. It is most likely that if she is this 'depressing' with her talk to everyone, it's a strong reason as to why she's alone. You, on the other hand, do not seem to be depressing, quite the opposite in fact. Coming from a very similar situation as you are, I'd say the only thing you can do is listen when she complains, try not to take it to heart, and realize that although you might feel bad about your singledom as well - at least you're not making OTHERS feel bad. We all would like SO's and eventually it'll happen, but until then enjoy single-life as much as your can.
BiscuitXOXO Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 I don't think so; it's human nature. When someone else is happy, our own spirits are lifted. When someone is crying, we feel a bit down as well. It has been scientifically proven that when we see someone else smile, even if we don't consciously smile back, we have fleeting "mini-expressions" that actually reflect the smile. So it's not wrong. Oh, and I like TigerCub's advice
Author i'mfaraway Posted April 19, 2011 Author Posted April 19, 2011 It's not wrong of you, because really how can you stop them from affecting you? You're just that kind of person. Someone who cares about others and can't help but see the correlation in your circumstances. However, you need not be as 'down' as this girl is making you. It is most likely that if she is this 'depressing' with her talk to everyone, it's a strong reason as to why she's alone. You, on the other hand, do not seem to be depressing, quite the opposite in fact. Coming from a very similar situation as you are, I'd say the only thing you can do is listen when she complains, try not to take it to heart, and realize that although you might feel bad about your singledom as well - at least you're not making OTHERS feel bad. We all would like SO's and eventually it'll happen, but until then enjoy single-life as much as your can. Thanks. This is a nice post. Maybe I should try your last sentence on her.
Author i'mfaraway Posted April 19, 2011 Author Posted April 19, 2011 I don't think so; it's human nature. When someone else is happy, our own spirits are lifted. When someone is crying, we feel a bit down as well. It has been scientifically proven that when we see someone else smile, even if we don't consciously smile back, we have fleeting "mini-expressions" that actually reflect the smile. So it's not wrong. Oh, and I like TigerCub's advice A side question. Then is it selfish of us if we choose to spend more time around positive people and less with negative ones?
Eddie Edirol Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 You have to OWN your single situation, so you dont feel down about it. if you dont actively look for the man you want, you cant complain that you didnt find the one. Same with your friend. If she is just pessimistic temporarily, its no big deal. But if she is just sitting back waiting for that guy to come to her, Id giver her what fer. Anytime someone told me they wonder why they are single, I dont tell them to F*ck off, I say "And what have you dont to find this elusive person?". Theres usually no answer. If they want to know where to go to find such a person, I offer suggestions. Then if they say "I cant handle rejection!" then I walk away from them.
Author i'mfaraway Posted April 19, 2011 Author Posted April 19, 2011 You have to OWN your single situation, so you dont feel down about it. if you dont actively look for the man you want, you cant complain that you didnt find the one. Same with your friend. If she is just pessimistic temporarily, its no big deal. But if she is just sitting back waiting for that guy to come to her, Id giver her what fer. Anytime someone told me they wonder why they are single, I dont tell them to F*ck off, I say "And what have you dont to find this elusive person?". Theres usually no answer. If they want to know where to go to find such a person, I offer suggestions. Then if they say "I cant handle rejection!" then I walk away from them. She's been talking depressingly about her situation for as long as I've known her and that's a few years. But she isn't just sitting on her laurels. She meets guys actually but they haven't turned out to be good for her so she laments about that and her singledom. When you tell her she should walk away from those people that she shouldn't stick around, she doesn't listen.
SweetDaphne Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 She's been talking depressingly about her situation for as long as I've known her and that's a few years. But she isn't just sitting on her laurels. She meets guys actually but they haven't turned out to be good for her so she laments about that and her singledom. When you tell her she should walk away from those people that she shouldn't stick around, she doesn't listen. If you were from New England - I'd think we were talking about the same person.
Author i'mfaraway Posted April 19, 2011 Author Posted April 19, 2011 If you were from New England - I'd think we were talking about the same person. That would be hilarious but no, I'm not from there. Now I don't feel so bad about my situation with the friend. I'm not the only one dealing with it then!
BiscuitXOXO Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 A side question. Then is it selfish of us if we choose to spend more time around positive people and less with negative ones? It might be selfish if looked at it a certain way. Even if it is right and good to spend time with those less fortunate, it is not completely right to spend so much time that your mood is affected, which would cause you to become less understanding of others. Then, you are helping no one and hurting yourself.
Nexus One Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 I have some male friends that are single and apart from here on LS I have hardly ever heard a guy complain about not having a girlfriend. In my entire life I've only ever heard 2 guys mention it. One mentioned it briefly when he was in a sad mood and the other mentioned it when I asked him about it. These were very brief conversations. I think guys don't express these kind of things very often, they tend to keep it inside. (except for maybe on the internet?) The way the guys mentioned it wasn't even in a complaining type of way. It was more like; It's a pity, it would be nice to have a girlfriend.
SweetDaphne Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 A side question. Then is it selfish of us if we choose to spend more time around positive people and less with negative ones? Definitely not! It's being healthy especially if the consistent negativity is bringing you down. No one likes to be around those who are constantly pessimistic. You can only do so much to help or listen to someone like that. And besides, the longer you're around them, the harder it will be to maintain your calm and keep your frustration from showing. So, at least in my case, the reprieve from being around them makes it easier for me to deal/listen to them when I am with them. Otherwise I have no doubt I'd eventually loose it and that would not help them and just make me feel guilty for doing so.
Author i'mfaraway Posted April 20, 2011 Author Posted April 20, 2011 I have some male friends that are single and apart from here on LS I have hardly ever heard a guy complain about not having a girlfriend. In my entire life I've only ever heard 2 guys mention it. One mentioned it briefly when he was in a sad mood and the other mentioned it when I asked him about it. These were very brief conversations. I think guys don't express these kind of things very often, they tend to keep it inside. (except for maybe on the internet?) The way the guys mentioned it wasn't even in a complaining type of way. It was more like; It's a pity, it would be nice to have a girlfriend. I know this guy that would talk quite a bit about the lack of a girlfriend. Not so much complaining but he would ask me where he can find a girlfriend, how all his friends have SOs and the type of girls he likes. It actually made me think a little less of him.
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