irc333 Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 Okay, I've been corresponding with this woman for over a week, after the first 3, somewhat lengthy emails, I decided to ask her if she'd like to talk on the phone, and she says, "Not yet, let's talk on her some more" I decided to be patient and go along with it, waited a few more days, and now it's past a week, so I decided to ask her, "Well, since it's been just over a week, how about we take this to the next level and chat on the phone now?" I'm awaiting her response, but I know how some people have a policy of not waiting too long and just say "screw it" just find someone else to talk to...and not be some online pen-pal to someone, esp. if they're a local, just doesn't make sense. Funny, I've even seen women state this in their profiles by saying, "Note: I'm here to actually MEET people IN person, not stay online chatting back and forth and nothing more, not here for pen-pals" That's usually suprising coming from a woman, but I can feel their frustration. Some here might say that they prefer to wait, but there should be a certain threshold when you've gotten all "talked out" about each other, and the conversation turns to "what they did today at work or on the weekend."
BiscuitXOXO Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 This sounds suspicious to me. If she were into you, she'd want to hear your voice. Talk to "her" asap. "She" may be a man just trolling you Or maybe she genuinely is shy. Annnd I don't think the women saying they want to meet irl is unusual. After all, you can't build a real relationship through a screen. You can't have physical fun either
SweetDaphne Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 I'd say wait for her response. If she's still hesitant on talking on the phone I'd ask her if there was a reason why? Be honest with her as to why you want to talk on the phone: You've enjoyed your e-mails with each other and would like to get to know each other via phone now. I don't think its too soon - but if she does then that's all that matters. If she's still hesitant and doesn't give you a reasonable answer as to why she wants to continue via e-mail, I'd suggest pulling away and searching elsewhere. She may be very shy/insecure or she may be 'trolling' either way, you're ready to move on and if she's not you're already not compatible. But see what she says.
carhill Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 OP, IMO, there is no guideline; however, you indicated your boundary by your *desire* to 'take it to the next level'. Typing on a keyboard, at this particular point, doesn't suit you and you prefer to talk on the phone. If she doesn't, no foul; just move on. Equity. The same kinds of boundaries apply in all areas of interpersonal relations. You decide what is healthy for you and, if no match, no prejudice. You'll find that, with such boundaries in place, you'll rarely go wrong for yourself, meaning, in this case, 'letting a good one (for you) get away'. My datapoint historically has been, depending on time and geography, one week to one month, with the longer period being years ago and spanning continents. Nowadays with Skype and cell phones, if there's synergy, 'call me' or 'I'd like to call you'. No sense in spending five minutes typing this up when I can say it in twenty seconds.
Author irc333 Posted April 20, 2011 Author Posted April 20, 2011 Yeah, sometimes there's a finite amount of time to be chatting online...it's like you've "ran out" of stuff talk about....online.....and would prefer to do it in person. It's like, you've talked what you can talk about online....it's about to move forward with this.
green_tea Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 If she lives near you, you should just ask to meet rather than talk on the phone. Personally I don't like talking on the phone to people I have never met, I realise you can hide your phone number, but I just don't see the point if I'm not going to like the person.
Andy_K Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 I'm with green tea on this. Screw the phone, you ask to meet up and only bother with the phone if the other person asks to first. Is it just me that finds it a bit weird talking to someone on the phone before I've even met them?
jane100 Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 OP, IMO, there is no guideline; however, you indicated your boundary by your *desire* to 'take it to the next level'. Typing on a keyboard, at this particular point, doesn't suit you and you prefer to talk on the phone. If she doesn't, no foul; just move on. Equity. The same kinds of boundaries apply in all areas of interpersonal relations. You decide what is healthy for you and, if no match, no prejudice. You'll find that, with such boundaries in place, you'll rarely go wrong for yourself, meaning, in this case, 'letting a good one (for you) get away'. Insightful post and this would probably answer alot of people's questions on LS, and I have a question at the back of my mind that this might answer too - but I still might post (sigh). As regards the last two posters - I have mixed feelings. On the one hand I think it is just better to meet, however briefly, than mess about with phone calls. OTOH, you can tell alot about a person from their voice, no? And save yourself a trip. I spoke to one guy on the phone and though he sounded educated, he threw in a swear words now and again, which made him sound angry for no reason.
Author irc333 Posted April 20, 2011 Author Posted April 20, 2011 As if talking by email is any better? lol I have to disagree...chances are if a person isn't ready to talk on the phone, they aren't ready to meet in person either. Anyhow, after my follow-up about talking on the phone...she's stopped responding altogether...I see her signed in on numerous occasions the past couple of days, however, she's yet to respond in taking it further. NEXT! If she lives near you, you should just ask to meet rather than talk on the phone. Personally I don't like talking on the phone to people I have never met, I realise you can hide your phone number, but I just don't see the point if I'm not going to like the person.
zengirl Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 I rarely talk on the phone. I like it when guys I'm actually dating call me briefly, to catch up between dates, but I don't want a long conversation with someone I don't know yet. No thanks. Not a phone person. I like to send a few good messages at least. The guys I've gone out with are the ones who write messages on the longer side (maybe not first message, but once they know I'm potentially interested) and have detailed profiles. I didn't talk to my exBF or Few Dates Guy --- both of whom came from online --- before meeting them. Messages for awhile (months in exBF's case, because we were on different continents at first; a little over a week, but 4-5 long, detailed messages each in Few Dates Guys case), then texting/emailing to set up a time and place, and then meeting. I need to feel I've gotten a sense for someone through their messages. Quite a few guys I thought were cute, who had some similar interests on their profiles, have written themselves off in my mind by not being into sending proper messages and trying to make a meeting happen too fast (or trying to change to phone or chat). I find I like people who naturally seem to be doing the same thing --- trying to get a sense of me via my messages.
curlygirl40 Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 I can't say there's a hard and fast rule, but when it feels comfortable to you. It always makes me uncomfortable when a guy asks me for my number or says 'call me' immediately w/o a couple of back and forth volleys of e-mails. At the same time I think there's a natural point where the phone call is the next step. And I disagree with some of the posters here and think a phone call is a must before a meeting. I'm not talking about hours of phone calls before setting up a meeting, but there's a lot you can tell by a person with a phone call I think. The first guy I met online I didn't have a conversation with on the phone first. He had a VERY feminine sounding voice. If I had talked to him on the phone I would have known this and not been so surprised when I met him in person. Another guy had pre-arranged a time to call me and was actually drunk out of his mind when we talked. No thanks! So because of those experiences I always like to talk on the phone before meeting. It seems on average it's after about a week of e-mailing back and forth. Then it seems it's about a week after that when we plan a day/time to meet in person. I've met about 8 or 9 guys since I started online dating last June/July and this seems to be about the way it goes for me. E-mail for about a week, talk on the phone once or twice, texting some and then meet.
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