glamournerd Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 (edited) Hi everyone, I stumbled upon this website a while ago and it seems like it's a great resource for relationship matters. I was hoping all of you can give me some insight to my situation, I'll try to keep it all brief, and thank you all in advance for your replies! I'm currently a 23 year old senior in undergrad (graduating in 2 weeks!) in a LDR with a 31 year old guy. We've been dating for 5 months and it's a serious relationship. It's always been LDR, we met while I was interviewing for a job in NYC (which I ended up getting), and it turned serious very quickly. We usually see each other every other week, (he's in NY, I'm in school 1 hour flight away). He flies to see me once a month and flies me to see him once a month (I have paid for my own flights to see him as well). When we met I already had a job offer lined up in NYC, so there was always an "end date" to the LDR in mind. We started having a issues 3 months into the relationship relating to all sorts of stupid issues. Only recently were able to sort them out. So, for 2 months it was very rocky (arguing over the phone most of the time), but now it's wonderful. *This might be important but some of the issues we argued/fought about were related to me being insensitive to his finances (which I apologized for and corrected). I grew up in a more comfortable family while he had a *really* hard childhood and after our honeymoon phase, I was not as aware/mindful of his situation and background partially due to my own upbringing and also due to my age/naivety (his work hasn't been easy and so forth). This has caused him to break up with me a few weeks ago because we "come from different worlds". After he broke up with me, he tried and did get back together with me (One time, I was angry and he put a ring on my finger which was cute!). I've learned and made a commitment to really watch the things I say/do and be more sensitive to his upbringing and finances. At the same time, he has tried to do more of the things which I wasn't as happy about, for example him being very negative and cynical most of the time and giving me more attention as LDR is quite hard... Anyways, during the course of our 5 month relationship I was never satisfied with the job offer I got in NYC (both of us are in finance, the market is very tough when I was looking for a jo) because I'm quite ambitious and knew that with my background and work experience/internships I could get a better job. During the time that our relationship was quite rocky and he broke up with me I applied to a handful of jobs everywhere out of NY, because quite honestly, I wasn't sure where this relationship was going and I didn't know if I can sacrifice better career opportunities for a relationship that may not work out. I ended up interviewing with a firm in LA and doing quite well in my interviews, I'm currently waiting to hear back from this firm, but I'm feeling very positive. My boyfriend knew all along that I applied and interviewed at this LA firm, it wasn't something I kept a secret... he always told me that eventually he wanted to come back to Cali and bc of that if I got a great job in LA we can still do LDR and make it work (although I told him I might not want to, it's too far and too hard on me as it is). I asked him recently what if I got this job in LA since I am feeling very positive about the interviews, and he told me that it's a much better opportunity than the one in NYC (I agree) but that he can't tell me what to do. I told him that I couldn't leave him in NYC and that I would take the job in NY, even if it's not as good of a job because I wanted to be with him and he said while he wanted me to move to NYC very badly so we can be together, he doesn't want me to resent him/regret the decision (esp. because I'm a very "career focused / ambitious" person). I told him that him saying this made me feel like he wants me to move to LA and that I should choose my career over him, and he doesn't want me to move to NY at all. He told me that if it was up to only him and he could be selfish, he would tell me to move to NYC but it's only because he cares about me that he is telling me I should consider this job opportunity because it's so much better (the new job would guarantee me a place in HBS, Stanford, and so forth...). I've asked him to consider moving with me, but he can't do that as he has his own business in NYC, and employees.. This is my first serious relationship and I admit I'm somewhat naive... I know this man cares me a lot. I'm just not sure how much he cares about me. Is he worth me sacrificing a better job opportunity? In addition, because things were so rocky between us just until recently, we both are more cautious, at the same time both of us really want to work this out. He's at an age where he wants to start building a solid relationship, and I also want to start building the same. I'm not sure what to do or to think? I think I was hoping he would tell me to give up everything so we can be together but since he did not, it makes me question everything... Your insight and any advice, thoughts, concerns for me is much appreciated! Edited April 19, 2011 by glamournerd
creighton0123 Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 Insight: You accepted a job position. It would be horribly unethical for you to renege on that offer. In fact, the idea that you accepted a job offer and then applied and interviewed with another company is very unethical. You accept a job offer, you take the job and commit to the company for at least a year. New York City is a fun place to live. Get some roommates and get a small, cheap apartment in commuting distance to your office. My suggestion? Don't think about moving in with him just yet.
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