Author johan Posted April 21, 2011 Author Posted April 21, 2011 It was too much to expect that people would understand or agree with my point. Because anger tends to be a stereotyped emotion, and people picture a red-faced, spitting tantrum when they think of it. But it comes in good forms, too. If you understand when you're feeling the least bit of it, and you express it in a healthy way, then you are doing the right thing in your relationship. And for that reason I stand by my original point. It should make you angry if someone starts to violate your boundaries or disregard your feelings. Those things happen in every relationship. Most people swallow that anger, or worse, turn it on themselves by being hard on themselves for what's going on. That's anger at work. A self-assured person vents the anger outwardly. Maybe even in a cheerful way. But it gets out. If, like most "nice guys", you were bred to swallow your anger and essentially to turn it on yourself, then the solution is to subject yourself to some abuse in life. At first, you'll probably take it and suffer. At some point you might blow up. And maybe you'll learn to recognize the causes and the signs and express yourself like a man should. Enforce your boundaries and demand respect. Become confident. You can't escape anger in life. How you handle it means everything.
dreamingoftigers Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 I find that anger lets me know when I have to do or say something, but sometimes the "doing" part is just me figuring out that what someone said or did isn't as bad as the trigger that they hit. I am glad that as I get older I use anger more constructively.
Richard Friedman Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Respect man. You know what you're talking about. I was tired of seeing the doormats and cuckolds who delude themselves into thinking they are inn a position to give advice.
zengirl Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 I totally believe in eastern principles of non-attachment, but it can slide into hopelessness and apathy. I can't imagine not ever having anger. The world is unjust. Any time I read the news, I get angry. In my daily life, I deal with injustices all the time. My landlord is horrible, I grossly underpaid/overworked, and my neighbors are driving me batty. I try to be serene about it, but I am angry sometimes. But I either do something to address the conflict or I release the emotion. I don't think non-attachment or any Eastern principle suggests one can rid him/herself of anger. At least not from the forms I've studied. I have met monks who freely admit they feel anger. They choose not to act on it or hold onto it, however, but to release it as forgiveness and acceptance. I think that's anything but apathetic. It's choosing the path you want to be on, the path that will fulfill you, and the path that, frankly, works best. It was too much to expect that people would understand or agree with my point. Because anger tends to be a stereotyped emotion, and people picture a red-faced, spitting tantrum when they think of it. But it comes in good forms, too. If you understand when you're feeling the least bit of it, and you express it in a healthy way, then you are doing the right thing in your relationship. I agree that recognizing anger is good. I agree that addressing what caused the anger is good. I don't agree that any kind of expression that is angry is good, though some are natural (admitting you are angry when you are angry is better than denying it, certainly, but better yet to admit it and then WAIT before doing/saying anything else, rather than doing/saying something out of anger). It should make you angry if someone starts to violate your boundaries or disregard your feelings. It should make you take notice, certainly. I suppose I think it's overkill if it always makes you angry. That's a lot of anger in the world, if EVERY boundary someone steps over makes you automatically angry. A self-assured person vents the anger outwardly. Disagree for sure. A self-assured person processes the anger, yes. However, venting it outwardly is the cheapest way of doing so. That's how a 5 year old processes anger. Now, I won't claim to be as good as a monk at processing anger, but I know I can do better than that. There are ways to process anger that are not "venting." Accept it, discover the cause, address the cause (WITHOUT anger), forgive the slight (even if I decide the slight is so huge, I'd rather not be around a person, I always forgive the slight), and move on, happy.
Recommended Posts