I want to talk to him so bad!

[dragonfly22]

Hi, it's been 4 days since my fiance broke up with me and told me he just doesn't love me anymore. I'm devastated and even though I wake up everyday and tell myself i won't contact him, i end up doing it everyday. Well I haven't today and I don't know if it is because of the hour and I miss him in our bed but I've been feeling an uncontrollable urge to contact him. This is SO HARD. My heart is breaking and I want to hear his voice. I love him so much and I just can't understand why he did this, why he didn't fight for us instead of just leaving. I KNOW i have to stick to NC. The weird thing is I didn't feel the urge to contact him until now and it's just stronger than I am.

[9Lives]

Hi, it's been 4 days since my fiance broke up with me and told me he just doesn't love me anymore. I'm devastated and even though I wake up everyday and tell myself i won't contact him, i end up doing it everyday. Well I haven't today and I don't know if it is because of the hour and I miss him in our bed but I've been feeling an uncontrollable urge to contact him. This is SO HARD. My heart is breaking and I want to hear his voice. I love him so much and I just can't understand why he did this, why he didn't fight for us instead of just leaving. I KNOW i have to stick to NC. The weird thing is I didn't feel the urge to contact him until now and it's just stronger than I am.

 

Dragonfly you are going to have so so so many days of ups and downs for the next at least 3 months. That is part of the NATURAL healing process because just because he turned his love off doesnt mean you had the curiousity of doing the same while he was.

 

It is going to be hard, Im not going to lie. Just remember that the ups and downs are part of healing.

 

Now, are you sure you are not getting back together?

[dragonfly22]

Thanks 9Lives. I'm sure he is not coming back. He has made that point very clear. He says he made his mind and he wants me to move on. He has told me repeatedly not to wait for him. Only yesterday he told me a less drastic "only time will tell if we can get together", but I believe he was just saying it to make me feel better. He told me he wants to date other people, particularly a girl from work. So no, he is not coming back. I miss him so much. I can't believe he ruined an AMAZING 5 year relationship just to see what's out there. And I should feel upset but I'm not, I just keep remembering why I love him so much and want him back.

[9Lives]

Thanks 9Lives. I'm sure he is not coming back. He has made that point very clear. He says he made his mind and he wants me to move on. He has told me repeatedly not to wait for him. Only yesterday he told me a less drastic "only time will tell if we can get together", but I believe he was just saying it to make me feel better. He told me he wants to date other people, particularly a girl from work. So no, he is not coming back. I miss him so much. I can't believe he ruined an AMAZING 5 year relationship just to see what's out there. And I should feel upset but I'm not, I just keep remembering why I love him so much and want him back.

 

Dragon...Im gonna tell you this like I love you as a sister and friend...Hear me good.

 

Let him go PRETTY PRETTY PRETTY PLEASE!!!!

 

I was in your shoes and it hurt like hell but I made it WORST by trying to hold on to him. IT IS POINTLESS!!!

 

Let me break it down for you

Realize that it is POINTLESS to hold on. There is no hope. You are never going to get back together. Never!

 

Accept and face the truth that love is not possible here anymore

Stop pursing this man because HE IS NOT GOING TO RETURN LOVE.

This is not the perfect person for you....thre is better

It is NOT impossible to stop loving him.

YOU WILL ONLY KEEP GETTING HURT OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

 

Let it go, if not....it wont be pretty and it will probably get worst.

 

Im giving you wise words from a woman that suffered like hell trying to hold on. I was at a point of sucide. I just knew not to do it cause I loved my kids and I knew it was the situation bothering me.

 

Dont be his friend at all. That is his way of keeping you on a string. He is going to want to be friends while he is with his new broad! DONT DO IT.

 

Think of him as a filthy cockroach who you cant stand...dirty bastard!!!

 

Dont fool with him.

 

It is time for you to emotionally heal. It wont be pretty. But stay away from him and he wont be able to keep his mind off you cause you will be like a ghost....GONE!

 

Dont play with this.

[dragonfly22]

Thanks 9Lives. I understand what you say. I did end up sending him some text msgs , but very angry ones. I think I've finally come to understand that my relationship is gone. Even if he was sorry and he came back (which I KNOW he wont), what I had is dead and that's probably what I'm so sad about. No matter what happens now I will never ever EVER have that sense of love and security again with him. I will never see him with the same eyes because he treated me like crap during the breakup, like I wasn't a woman he loved for over 4 years (we were together for 5 but he says he started feeling he didn't love me during the past 4 to 5 months).

 

What's also bothering me is the fact that I know him, I know about his relationship past. He is the kind of man who cannot be by himself AT ALL. He hasn't been single since he was like 15 years old so he doesn't know what it is to be single and I know he will be in a new relationship soon. I'm actually quite convinced that he finally left me because he has his next relationship lined up. The worst thing is...that's what he did to his ex-girlfriend with me. We were classmates and when we started getting along great (not romantically but as really good friends) he immediately broke up with his girlfriend of 4 years and started pursuing me very agressively. When I found out about the ex and how fast he had moved on I just assumed they had their issues and (of course) I was different. I was 21 at the time, so I was also immature. So I know what to expect and it hurts so much to know that I should've known better instead of investing 5 years of my life in this. I know his ex probably hates me but how I wish I could have a cup of coffee with her now and tell her how sorry I am.

[Chi townD]

Okay, I just want you to know that you need time to grieve the lose of your relationship and you can't do that if you still contact him. Yes, I know it hurts. Believe me I know, but you're allowed to feel sad, angry and hurt. It's part of the healing process.

 

I can tell by how you write that you are a very passionate and loving person. I want you to remember that. You are incredible and you do have self worth that one day a guy will benefit from it and will love you for it unconditionally. Stop chasing the bad boys who can't make up there minds to become a man and figure out how to treat a woman. I always say this and I believe it's true. There is a guy out there that is especially for you. He's trying to find you. Give him time, he will come into your life and this "boy" will be nothing more than a memory to you.

[dragonfly22]

Thanks Chi TownD. I know you are right. I'm tired of disspointing myself and the people helping me through this by contacting him. But a new day has come and I know I can make it. I also, for the first time since the breakup woke up today knowing it is over. I have been telling it to myself all these days but deep inside I wanted him to call and apologize and just go back to where we were. Something happened last night. I sent him those messages full of anger, knowing after reading them he probably won't ever try to contact me again, which is OK. Of course i don't want to feel anger forever, I expect this to someday become indiference and somehow even pitty for lacking the maturity to realize what he just let go. Everyone and I mean EVERYONE, who knew us as a couple is in shock. I HAVE to move on with my life and have to find someone who truly deserves me and who will act like a man when things aren't so easy instead of running away to find someone new who can make it all easy again. Thank so much for your words Chi TownD and 9Lives. I don't know what I'd do without the LoveShack, this place has been of SO MUCH help.

[sms]

Hello, i had to write to you because our story is very similar and i'm struggling with NC myself.

In my case we were together for 10 years but he also gave me the "I don't love you anymore" talk totally out of the blue, and also because he had somebody else lined up. He said some pretty nasty things and all our friends and family were in shock too. I still can't understand how he could be this way with me, but reading some LS threads i came to understand some of the things that happened.

This is all very recent so i don't have any great advice for you. Just know that you're not alone in this. Don't humiliate yourself because it won't make him come back and it will make you feel worst. Try to do NC (it's difficult i know) and think about other stuff and hopefully one day it will be easier.

 

Keep posting.

[9Lives]

Thanks 9Lives. I understand what you say. I did end up sending him some text msgs , but very angry ones. I think I've finally come to understand that my relationship is gone. Even if he was sorry and he came back (which I KNOW he wont), what I had is dead and that's probably what I'm so sad about. No matter what happens now I will never ever EVER have that sense of love and security again with him. I will never see him with the same eyes because he treated me like crap during the breakup, like I wasn't a woman he loved for over 4 years (we were together for 5 but he says he started feeling he didn't love me during the past 4 to 5 months).

 

What's also bothering me is the fact that I know him, I know about his relationship past. He is the kind of man who cannot be by himself AT ALL. He hasn't been single since he was like 15 years old so he doesn't know what it is to be single and I know he will be in a new relationship soon. I'm actually quite convinced that he finally left me because he has his next relationship lined up. The worst thing is...that's what he did to his ex-girlfriend with me. We were classmates and when we started getting along great (not romantically but as really good friends) he immediately broke up with his girlfriend of 4 years and started pursuing me very agressively. When I found out about the ex and how fast he had moved on I just assumed they had their issues and (of course) I was different. I was 21 at the time, so I was also immature. So I know what to expect and it hurts so much to know that I should've known better instead of investing 5 years of my life in this. I know his ex probably hates me but how I wish I could have a cup of coffee with her now and tell her how sorry I am.

 

Yeah once my ex got him a broad, he got stronger and our relationship ended then too. I hate him in so many ways right now even tho I think about him still. I was there for him in so many ways but I let him get away with too much sht and that is where my down fall began. I should have put my foot down but LOVE was all I knew. so damm stupid. Love is not all that to me anymore. Respect is way more important.

 

I just wanted to be there for you and get you in a better place with him.

Dont give him the satisfaction of thinking you are going to fall apart cause his ass decided to walk. Stand Tall! You will be fine.

 

Just remember,,,there is going to be ups and downs and ups and downs....this doesnt mean you are not healing...it is the natural part of the process. What you are going to need is LOTS AND LOTS of tender loving care and most of it is going to come from ....YOU!!! Be sweet to yourself. You are a beautiful, special, loving, good, awesome, sexy woman!!!

[Scott James]

You have to avoid him because he is now no more for you and if you continue do so then you can lost your mind.

[Steadfast]

What you've written sounds like a classic case of separation anxiety/heartbreak. I'd wager most of the folks here can relate but if you stop to think about it, how could you react any other way? If you did, it would mean you never loved him.

 

What you do from this point on will determine how long it'll take to heal from it. Understand that this situation is still very fresh and you're in shock, along with the other strong emotions you feel. Once your heart catches up with your head, you'll begin to see what was really happening in your relationship, and -possibly- some of the signs leading to the breakup. Whoever said love is blind sure knew their stuff...'cause it is.

 

Most everyone involved in a sudden breakup goes through a series of stages that include denial, guilt and anger that's followed by a long period of mourning. Please realize this is normal, OK? Like I always say; don't feel bad about feeling bad.

 

You'll struggle with the contact until you realize doing so isn't helping either of you. You need to protect your self-esteem right now...that's why you'll hear so many advise self care. Love yourself! Be kind to you! Don't allow prolonged suffering for his decisions. Do the work needed to regain your strength, perspective and balance.

 

It may be hard to believe now, but it's entirely possible that this man did you a tremendous favor. This breakup could have happened with the extended commitment of marriage and children in place. That would be worse, and harder still.

 

Demonstrate your love by giving him what he asked for; his freedom. Also, please know this is the worst of it. Things will get better.

[willowthewisp]

Dragonfly, so sorry to hear your pain. First, give yourself a break, this only happend 5 days ago! You're still in shock. My finace left me after nearly 20 years together right after we booked our wedding, so I have an understanding of what you are feeling.

 

With regards to NC, it took me about 4 months to cease all contact with him, we had a house together etc so I had to have contact but aside from that I kept hoping he would come back and had uncontrollable urges to speak to him. It was awful, like a longing that just would not go away.

 

The turning point for NC came for me when I realised that everytime I spoke to him he just continued to say the most hurtful, cold and disrespectful things to me. I realised that NC was the only way for me to shield myself from even more pain.

 

Your finace has left you for another women, either he is with her already or he has his eye on her. No matter what issues you had in your relationship, unless we are talking abuse, he had committed to marrying you and had been with you 5 years, not 5 months, therefore if he was a decent and loving person, someone capable of a mature, adult relationship, he would have tried to address those issues with you, NOT run away to another women. He had no right to treat you like you had been dating for a short time, figuring out if you were compatible, he had already committed to you and as such he should have honoured that committment by doing everything possible to fix things, including relationship counselling beofre jumping ship.

 

He will take his problems and they are his problems, into any new relationship, because he has yet to understand what a committed relationship entails...hard work sometimes.

 

OK, so we need to focus on you. I expect that at the moment you are finding it difficult to eat and sleep? You can only think about him, you want to contact him all the time and you are probably spending all day and night going over things in your mind trying to figure out what the hell happened?

 

This is normal, this is going to be like this for a while, accept it, treat yourself as you would a friend who was going through this, kindly and with patience. Staedfast is dead right though, this is the worst part and it will get better.

 

For NC, a tactic. Each time you want to contact him focus on the way he has treated you and then tell yourself, I won't contact him for the next 10 mins, then when times up, another 10 mins and so on, gradually up the time limits. It's like when you're dieting, if you look at the total you have to get rid off it seems impossible, break it down into 2lb chunks and one ady at a time and suddenly it seems a bit easier. Same thing here. If one day of NC is too much, just do 5 mins, then another.

 

Keep posting.

[dragonfly22]

Thank you everyone! I don't know what I would do without LS!! So anyway, today through some contacts I found out the other woman does exist (100% confirmed). My brother got very upset when he realized I did this, but to be honest I needed to confirm it. I just have this theory that might sound stupid but I want to know everything i need to know NOW so I can deal with it NOW and not later. I'd hate it if in 3 months I found out about this and then feel like Day 1 again. I want to deal with the pain NOW so I can finally start to get better. The weird thing is...when I was told about her my reaction was very calm. I thought I would cry and feel horrible but all this did was confirm what deep inside I already knew (and he had somewhat told me), so I was very calm. I don't know if this is one of the phases of healing or what but I haven't really cried at all yesterday or today (Days 6 & 7). Ok maybe a few tears but not that many! I guess I'm somehow ignoring the pain or something? I don't know, I just CAN'T cry. It's like my dissapointment is greater than my sadness now. And everytime I think about him I feel pitty instead of sadness. I know it is TOO fast to get over him, but I don't know, I miss him so much, but at the same time, sometimes I feel kind of excited about the future ahead. Like maybe dating again won't be so bad?

 

I love him and was ready to spend the rest of my life with him, but I'm also moving abroad in 5 months and going back to school for a postrgraduate degree and will be living in one of Europe's most exciting cities. This was going to be OUR adventure, as we were going to do it together and our plan was to get married over there but last week he cancelled everything. Now everyone's telling me how much fun I can have there as a single woman (i'm not one to sleep around but i LOVE meeting new people) and how this city is famous because of the international mix of people living there. Maybe I'm using this to mask my pain but today I was feeling REALLY excited about this again. So, plans changed but I kinda look forward to it, while he is stuck here in his super stressful job just because of a woman he doesn't really know well. Is there something wrong with me? Will the tears just accumulate and I will burst into tears one of these days and spend the whole day crying??? I don't know what's wrong with me...why am I not feeling the excrutiating pain I was feeling before? I also stuck to no contact for the past 2 days (except for finding about about the OW) and I'm doing fine. The thing is I'm very positive about my future right now and know that I don't really need him to be happy, especially as I now see him as a completely different person.

[Chi townD]

you're right! Right now, you're on a roller coaster of emotions. One minute, your fine, then the next, you're crying your eyes out, THEN you'll get mad as hell....this is gonna happen. It's natural. You can always post here and vent. People will listen.

[dragonfly22]

Well you are right. What a ride! After telling you I had been so strong for the past 2 days I felt that it was time to go through Facebook pictures and remove the ones with him...well I'm a mess again. So many great memories. This is so hard. Have you ever seen Eternal Sunshines of the Spotless Mind? Well, I wish I could just erase this from my mind.

[PinkChic]

Dragonfly,

 

I was just thinking about you.... (just because our stories are quite similiar)... I am so glad to hear you are getting excited about your trip and I'm still very jealous because it seems like you have quite a good head on your shoulders...

 

Wednesday I had a massive meltdown... I ended up leaving work early because I couldn't stop crying... and I have not cried since (knock on wood!)... Today was his birthday so it was difficult but my mom and best friend and I mooched on the worst possible foods and watched lifetime movies all day

 

I also found out about another woman... and like you, it didn't really phase me to much in fact the first thing that came to mind was "Good... I hope he will now have the chance to realize what we had"... and I'm sorry but it is NATURAL instinct to compare partners.. I know (being very much over) my ex fiancee of 5 years (we have been broken up 3 years) I STILL compared some of my dates to him... I think it's natural!.. I also think it shows they are hurting from the break up that they have to jump right into a new relationship to keep their mind off things..

 

Like I said I'm so glad to hear your head is up!... I still REALLY think your ex will have massive doubts down the road... and I hope your in a position where you are in love with someone new (and better, of course) and you can laugh in his face!

 

Take Care

[change]

you're right! Right now, you're on a roller coaster of emotions. One minute, your fine, then the next, you're crying your eyes out, THEN you'll get mad as hell....this is gonna happen. It's natural. You can always post here and vent. People will listen.

 

It seems a lot of people talk about anger. I haven't found my anger. It's been four weeks. A lot of the problems that led our marriage to end were squarely MY FAULT though.

 

Is this normal? Anyone else unable to summon anger?

 

It would make this so much easier.

[Le Corb]

Hi Dragonfly,

 

I know exactly how you feel, my wife just left me 6 weeks ago, here is my story http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=275030

 

I still cry everyday, its like waking up to a nightmare, I know that she is not coming back, I am still waiting for her to come back home after work everyday, to hear her footsteps again...

 

She said if I wait for her, I will wait for the rest of my life... we had a wonderful 8 years together, we were going to have children. I miss her so much. I wish I could go back in time, and just live that 8 years over and over again.

 

I keep on having all these dreams about us going to galleries, concert halls, bookshops, libraries, supermarkets, like we always did, I just wake up in tears every night.

 

I was going to spend the rest of my life with her, we said we will wait for each other, and have our ashes scattered at sea, we both loved nature, I only wish I could travel the world with her, to see all the beautiful places and architectures we always wanted to see.

 

Its so hard to move on, I feel angry from time to time considering what she did and how she is handling it now, but I forgive her, because I still love her. I am trying to take a long walk everyday, and eat more healthy food, spend more time with friends. Try to get some medications if you find it hard to sleep like I did. I wish I could offer more help. Take care of yourself.

Edited April 26, 2011 by Le Corb