MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 We broke up 2 months ago and have remained in contact...he moved out about a week ago. He now wants freedom, space, to date me to "try" again, and also have the option of dating other women. I told him I can't do that because I love him and I deserve a commitment...he said I was demanding, controlling, and basically not respecting that he needs time. He also thinks it's normal to just hang out "ever now and then" while he decides if we should try again.
sabienne Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 He says YOU are demanding, controlling and not respecting his time?!? He is DEMANDING that you follow his stupid, selfish requests. He is trying to CONTROL you by making you date him while he chases whatever else he can get. He is NOT RESPECTING your need to be in a valid, caring, loving relationship. His idea of a healthy relationship is not normal, and you deserve better!
lovnlost Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 I was just strolling by until I saw this thread.... First.....kick this guy square in the balls as he has no respect for you and that is a horrible insult to who you are as a person. Second....kick this guy square in the balls Third....leave this fool alone and dont EVER look back. Kudos on respecting yourself enough to say what you did. Need more of that these days. Dont let your emotions get the best of you. Best of the luck. If the first option fails try the second....then go back to the first
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted April 25, 2011 Author Posted April 25, 2011 My ex and I lived together for 1 1/2 yrs and we broke up 2 months ago and pretty much went through a 2 month break up that consisted of him saying he needs time/space and he not wanting to fully break up but also not wanting to get back together. I sat around and basically did what I could and give him space and other times I would go crazy and cry and scream and yell, etc. Anyway, I finally told him he needs to decide if I'm worth a genuine actual second chance. Just he and I. starting from scratch and no dating other women. he said he can't do it. He said he has too much fear that I wont take it slow, that I will go back to how i used to be (controlling/not letting him have space/not letting him have time to play volleyball) and then he said he just doesn't "feel enough" to give 100%. He mentioned he would like us to have monthly check-ins and I said no. he also said maybe in 6 or 3 months from now if we both still miss eachother and love eachother we can try again. I'm so heart broken and cant stop crying. I wish he would just give us a second chance.
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted April 25, 2011 Author Posted April 25, 2011 I'm going to try NC now...as the past 2 months i have done more contact than i ever should have...at one point i stopped replying and he almost caved in...now i know he won't. I'm scared and I'm sad. I'm scared cause he says we are not compatible and don't have enough in common but I know that we do. I feel like hes being influenced by his friends. he's 31 come on!
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted April 25, 2011 Author Posted April 25, 2011 My ex and I met when we both lived in TX and he was at an ugly time in his life. Before we had met he basically lived in his room all day, ordered pizza and played world of war craft for hours. he would stop playing the game only to go to work and to school-which was at apple bees. he was 30 yrs old at the time. He has made some mistakes in his life and he basically screwed himself from a great career opportunity. As a result of his depression he joined the army and ended up being stop lossed. He fell into a greater depression. PTSD and all. So when I met him his whole world changed. Right before me he was involved with a women, 6 kids, and was ready to move them all into his house and basically become a father to the kids....his parents almost had a heart attack about this. he said he was just lonely and didn't find any other meaning in his life so he felt giving these kids a father would be his purpose in life. the girl ended up going back to her ex husband and well that fell apart then. So then we met. I'm a doctoral student, Christian, basically have my entire life in order and career set. He did whatever he had to do to sweep me off my feet. Now I know the guy i just described sounds blah- but he is extremely attractive, very smart, witty, charismatic, and gave me the impression that he was Mr. Right. I didn't know about his baggage or immediate past and he came off like the perfect guy. He have me lots of attention, affection and basically adored me. That lasted for a while...and we ended up moving to AZ together. Our move here was tough because I immediately began work and he began looking for work. We no friends or family near by we only had eachother. I ended up taking all my stress from work out on him and he began growing resentful. I think what I did was take advantage of his love for me. I was pretty much mean to the guy. he made me lunch every day and he made us dinner every night and I would still find things to nag about. He would often beg me to stop being so mean and I didn't listen...it was my way of venting and I thought who cares he's gonna take it anyway. I would even threaten him I would break up with him and every time I did he would literally cry and do whatever he could to convince me otherwise. I was mean. But let me tell you why. When I was at work while he was "looking for work" I ended up finding out that he was really on craigslist trying to get women to send him dirty pics of themselves...that's right...he was a sex addict. Not one that actually had sex with other women but one who got power from having women do as he asked. He never met with any and never actually physically cheated but thats still deceitful. He came clean about everything, began therapy, joined sex addicts anonymous and went to 90 meetings/90 days as recommended. he changed his # and all his email and gave me every password of his....now the part where I was mean he says is cause I never forgave him for all that. he said he had put all those demons behind him and that I never actually forgave and that I kept bringing his past up in every argument. So we broke up 2 months ago. he broke up with me...reasons he stated: I'm too mean, I dont accept him for who he is (a dork) and I don't let him have freedom and I am too controlling/possessive... Now I admit I was bitchy but the whole freedom thing i feel like he needed to earn that back... after a 2 month break up (as in we took 2 months to actually break up) i spend that entire 2 months begging him to give us a second chance...i apologized for my horrible behavior and i wanted to show him that i could be a better person...it was too late. he started talking to girls...and well the break up was official today...he said that he thinks we do not have enough in common (he says he's a sci fi dork who liked hole in the wall bars and talking to everyone and that i'm more of a snobby fancy martini girl) and he said we are not compatible (this may be because I'm Christian and he's not very religious)... I have such regret over everything b/c I do think we are compatible and the same. I put on a show for years and i feel bad.....he and I both lead double lives in a way...him and his addiction and me and my bad attitude...now I wante dto start fresh. he wante dto as well but he still wanted the option of dating other women..i said i cant do that so then he tells me that I will never change and that i will always be "all or nothing" and I was like no "i deserve a fair shot and not have other women involved"...and he said he cant do it...that he doesn't feel enough.. he has this idea that maybe down the road in 3 or 6 or more months we can reconnect again...once we are both solid in who we are. I'm hoping that maybe just a few weeks of NC can do that for us. I know NC is supposed to be for me...but I want it to be a way for us to have space and the feelings to simmer...and I dunno. I honestly feel that he and i can be a great match now that we killed off our demons. I know all i mentioned was bad but other than all that we had the best connection ever, prayed together, attended church together, and really just loved each other... what should I do? I am crying today as thought its day 1 of the break up..cause it kinda is...even though its been 2 months. he spends his days working all day, playing volleyball every evening, and going out on weekends....that makes him feel good and keeps him distracted...when will he ever miss me? I'm scared that he will end up loking his life without me so much better.. nothing i can do anyway. fml
Thatguyintx Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 Myheart, I need to ask you a question. I promise I am not being critical or judgmental. I am asking withe love. And I have made the same mistake. If you are a Christian, why are you dating a non-Christian? This one difference can lead your lives down two completely different paths. I have done the same and then I made many rationalizations for why it was okay to be with this person. Not anymore. If they don't share my faith, then I keep on walking. No offense to them. Just something important to me.
understandingyou Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 Myhearthurtsouch, Advice is very difficult to give when the context of the situation is not completely understood. I can't say I completely understand the nuances of your situation, but I do understand what you have written and if this an accurate account (the condensed version) of what you believe transpired - I can say that there is much work to be done. At this point - the buzz word is "understanding". Understanding in the absence of your wants and needs. He has made it clear that he wishes to date other people and see you at the same time. You have two choices to make here - you can agree or disagree. What will make you choose one or the other is based on your "understanding". Because you are still in the mindset of trying to get him back, I would suggest that you tell him that you cannot agree to his terms. Yes this may sound contrary to goal of getting him back - but in fact, it will drive him towards you. By denying him access to you (someone who has been there for 2 years) you will demonstrate multiple important characteristics about yourself. The first and most important - is that you have respect for yourself. The second, that you understand his perspective, but you do not share his opinion. The third, that you value him as a person and will allow him to date other people. By making yourself unavailable, you will also instill in him a fear of loss. While he may not realize it initially, over time it will grow - but it will need some help. Which I will tell you how. Also, by making yourself unavailable, you become something that he can no longer have access to - we all want what we can't have. We are humans, it doesn't change just because you have been in a relationship. So what do you do from here? First step: Tell him how you feel, lay your heart and emotions bare, and give him a glimpse inside your heart - and convey how sorry you are over the pain you have caused him (do not justify it! - under no circumstances should you say - "I am sorry I hurt you because I was under a lot of pressure at school or work" - this is not a true apology). A heart felt apology takes complete responsibility of the transgression. Second, tell him that based upon what he has shared with you, you can understand why he feels the way he feels. Males are logical creatures, things make sense to us because they follow a sense of order and sequential progression. By you letting me know why you understand me, I feel that you get it. Third, tell him that you respect his decision to date other people, but politely say that because of how you feel, you cannot date him at the same time, and that you hope he would understand this. Fourth, no contact. Let him know that because of how much you feel for him, it would be best if you all did not have any contact. No email, no text, no facebook, no IM's nothing. And let him know that you will be unfriending him from facebook and removing him from IM because you feel that you would be tempted to contact him. Fifth, wish him the best. Sixth, go home and do what you have said. Unfriend him, remove him from IM, and change or delete his info in your phone. The best is to rename his contact to "DO NOT CALL OR TEXT" Seventh, work on you. Grow and mature as a person. This means, multiple things. 1. do something your good at (if you are great a cooking do it more often) 2. do something your not good at (eg: cooking, art) 3. do something you would never consider doing (not extreme, just something you would not normally do) eg: salsa lessons 4. do something that stimulates your mind - eg:join a book club 5. do something that stimulates your body - eg: tennis lessons (some community centers offer cheap lessons like 45$ for 8 lessons 6. attend a cultural event (eg: theatre, opera, orchestra, museum, wine tasting etc) This may seem silly at first, but you will see within 2 weeks you will begin to grow and become familiar with yourself in ways you never thought. Moreover, you will reset/recenter yourself so to speak. In the absence of your ex you will regain yourself. Your probably asking how will this help you get him back? Well, it's not 100%, but there is about a 90% chance he will contact you within 2 weeks. The goal is not for you to be waiting around for him to call but for you to grow during that period of no contact. When he does contact you - the mode or manner in which contact is made will dictate how you respond. e-Mail: Never talk about your old relationship/problems. Be cordial and brief. Limit your response to 5 sentence, and end with "take care". text message: Never talk about your old relationship/problems. Be cordial and brief. Limit your response to 2 sentences, and end with "take care". facbook message: (even though you remove him as a friend he can still send you a message). I'm guessing you know what i'm going to say. Never talk about your old relationship/problems. Be cordial and brief. Limit your response to 3 sentences, and end with "take care". Phone call: This is a different monster. For a guy to call an ex is great courage (unless he is pissed). But if it's been 2 weeks and he's calling you - he's not pissed. He has grown up and wishes to talk. Never talk about your old relationship/problems unless he does - but don't engage in back and forth talk - your sole purpose is to listen and understand - not to share your opinion and stir the pot. Keep the conversation short, no more than 5 minutes. A good tool is to start a stop watch when he calls and when it reaches 5 minutes say "it's been great catching up with you, but I have to get going now. We will talk later. Have a great morning/afternoon/night/day." What you may not expect........ you won't be the same person who he broke up with, and you may not want to get back in a relationship with him. You would have grown so much in those two weeks, that your perspectives on yourself, life, and general expectations may have changed. Be prepared to expect this, and it will creep up on you, and you will know it when you recognize it. The pain may still be there, but you will notice it's not as sharp. You breathing may not change when you see his number on your phone, or your heart does not pound as hard when a text comes to your phone. Just understand that this will be the beginning of a journey about you - and the end may be or not be what you expect. Just as likely, you can get him back, in fact I am more certain that the odds of you getting him back are greater than not. Hope this helps getting you started in the right direction. All the best,
lovnlost Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 Myheart, I need to ask you a question. I promise I am not being critical or judgmental. I am asking withe love. And I have made the same mistake. If you are a Christian, why are you dating a non-Christian? This one difference can lead your lives down two completely different paths. I have done the same and then I made many rationalizations for why it was okay to be with this person. Not anymore. If they don't share my faith, then I keep on walking. No offense to them. Just something important to me. An excellent point...I find myself pondering exactly this sometimes!
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted April 26, 2011 Author Posted April 26, 2011 Myheart, I need to ask you a question. I promise I am not being critical or judgmental. I am asking withe love. And I have made the same mistake. If you are a Christian, why are you dating a non-Christian? This one difference can lead your lives down two completely different paths. I have done the same and then I made many rationalizations for why it was okay to be with this person. Not anymore. If they don't share my faith, then I keep on walking. No offense to them. Just something important to me. I totally agree and I guess honestly my answer is a two part answer... 1- I thought it would be awesome to bring him to Christ because he said he was willing to learn and 2- I thought I could and that he would
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted April 26, 2011 Author Posted April 26, 2011 Wow thatnks for all that info- It did help settle me a bit. I guess my conecrns are few: First of all the most we have gone without ANY contact has been 4 days and he caved in first. This makes me believe that he will try his best not to do so this time. Second, he ended things with telling me he "doesn't feel enough for me" and that we "don't have enough in common" and "are not compatible" and that if we were to get back together it would be good but only because in the long run we both "sacrificed too much" I am worried that he will realize that his life IS actually better without me and will only contact me to check in on me b/c he's sorry that he's happy and I may be suffering I'm also worried that if he does initiate contact it's for a different reason rather than bc he misses me I'm also worried that he may use this time to find someone new and develop feelings for her.... I am using this time to think and grow...but truth be told it's literally been almost 2 full days and it feels like an eternity...I miss him incredibly. I can't shake the things he's told me...why is it that he says he is no longer "in love" with me....cause he's angry? he says he holds too much resentment and yet he says he's forgiven me... How long is too long-for no contact? Last night I stayed up so late cause I couldn't sleep I was tired but I couldn't sleep. everytime I thought of him I immediately switched thoughts to something else. I don't get though why he's so set on not being with me. He's like literally excited to figure himself out...and I'm sad.
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted April 26, 2011 Author Posted April 26, 2011 I've thought of this...that I need to just run and run fast away from this guy and I feel like if I just believe he isn't the one for me this would all be easier...but I miss him...and I have hope for him and us....I'm guessing this may fade if it's just an illusion?
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted April 26, 2011 Author Posted April 26, 2011 Oh I wanted to mention that he also said You haven't given me a chance to miss you or to regret this break up.. wtf does that really mean?
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted April 27, 2011 Author Posted April 27, 2011 Okay it's only been 2 days NC and I feel like it's been forever. I came home from work and I cried...I cant understand how he can fall out of love with me so quickly..or how he's excited about moving on or dating...I don't get it.
Thatguyintx Posted April 27, 2011 Posted April 27, 2011 I've thought of this...that I need to just run and run fast away from this guy and I feel like if I just believe he isn't the one for me this would all be easier...but I miss him...and I have hope for him and us....I'm guessing this may fade if it's just an illusion? Yes, this will fade. Give it time. Be strong in NC and things will become much clearer. You stated you are a Christian. What are you praying for? Are you getting support from other Christians? I am praying for peace and understanding for you. Keep posting, too.
Fufu Posted April 27, 2011 Posted April 27, 2011 NC will become your buddy in no time my mum told me, "If he is yours, he will come without you having to do anything. If he is not yours, he is not yours no matter whatever things you do to get him back."
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted April 27, 2011 Author Posted April 27, 2011 Yes, this will fade. Give it time. Be strong in NC and things will become much clearer. You stated you are a Christian. What are you praying for? Are you getting support from other Christians? I am praying for peace and understanding for you. Keep posting, too. I am praying for numerous things....for strength and comfort, for guidance and clarity. For him, for me, for us if it is God's will. Thank you for praying for me
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted April 27, 2011 Author Posted April 27, 2011 NC will become your buddy in no time my mum told me, "If he is yours, he will come without you having to do anything. If he is not yours, he is not yours no matter whatever things you do to get him back." I odn't know what time will do. I have no urge to contact him I just have the want to hear from him...I know that he knows he shouldn't contact me unless he has reconsidered and is ready to commit to me-so this makes me feel like he wont be contacting in a long time-if ever. I'm scared he will contact me in a while just to see what I would say. It's only been 2 and a half days and it feels like so long. Much longer than before. My previous ex strung me along for 3 months until I finally put my foot down..then only 4 days past and he was begging me for another chance...all while still dating a backup plan(s). I question if these men ever truly loved me.
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted April 28, 2011 Author Posted April 28, 2011 I cried less today than i did yesterday...I still dont see how he can be so happy to just move along. How does one go about falling out of love so quickly-is that even possible?
Fufu Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 I odn't know what time will do. I have no urge to contact him I just have the want to hear from him...I know that he knows he shouldn't contact me unless he has reconsidered and is ready to commit to me-so this makes me feel like he wont be contacting in a long time-if ever. I'm scared he will contact me in a while just to see what I would say. It's only been 2 and a half days and it feels like so long. Much longer than before. My previous ex strung me along for 3 months until I finally put my foot down..then only 4 days past and he was begging me for another chance...all while still dating a backup plan(s). I question if these men ever truly loved me. Time heals you and make you realise there are so much other things and other people beside you that are supporting and encouraging you.
Fufu Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 I cried less today than i did yesterday...I still dont see how he can be so happy to just move along. How does one go about falling out of love so quickly-is that even possible? Answer to you, you never will know the truth but really it doesn't matter. My ex also left me which I super super didn't expect to do. I was with my ex for 3 years, supposed to engage end of this year. In the end, he broke up with me last year October. When I still had not start NC, I ask my ex before did you lose feelings for me. He said no and then sometimes he said donno. His answers were making me so confused until I figured that he's not being firm and sincere in his action that he still want to be with me. So what if he says he has feelings for me still but don't want to be with me. It will only make me more confused and depressed. That's one of a factor, I realize I have to do something meaningful for myself, which is to seek NC I just want to say, If I can start moving on, you can too.
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