My boyfriend is unsupportive of my financial situation at a young age

[Gala]

Your BF expressly tells you that he'll make more money than you? To use language from Dan Savage, DTMFA.

 

And yes -- $20k is a substantial number that will take a while to pay, but that is still a manageable level of student debt.

[harmfulsweetz]

Forgetting about your financial situation, it is quite clear that you are with a guy who is manipulative and who is showing signs of deep personality flaws of the sort you would do well to get away from now.

 

He just goads you into a battle and then thrives on the battle.

 

You could sooooooooooooo upgrade your life by cutting him out of it.

 

Agreed. The fact that he called you a bitch just confirms that, people shouldn't resort to namecalling to prove a point. Sure, I'll admit it, it gets tiresome hearing people complain, it's not fun listening to but then everyone needs to vent sometimes right?

 

My ex used to do the same thing to me, make a massive deal over the fact that I was a student, and he worked full-time, where I only worked part-time. What I used to say to him was that in the end of the day, he gets 2 days off, I don't. I'm in Uni 5 days a week, and working the weekend, and some weeknights. That's what I didn't get, but people can be funny like that. My ex used to think because he was pulling in a full-time wage (not good money) that made him superior to me. But like my parents said once to me, he wouldn't be saying that if I came out of the degree and ended up on better money than he was. Glad I ditched him because in the end, no one wants to be brought down and made to feel bad for doing something they want to do.

 

You want someone who will support you, and not manipulate you into feeling bad for doing something that makes you happy. It took me a long, long time to realize that my ex was manipulative, longer than I'd care to admit, and I regret not walking out sooner, but you're 19, you need to decide if you really want someone like that in your life. Of course, I don't doubt there's good things about him, but weigh it up.

[amymarieca]

I was once a university student and racked up a lot of debt because of it. I now make $90k a year because of that education. Your boyfriend is making money now and will probably continue to make the same thing for the rest of his career, while you will move on to bigger and better things. I say you should ditch this jerk!

[Eddie Edirol]

Thank you for your insight MarlyStar. I appreciate another perspective.

 

I do agree that yes, me complaining might annoy him. I will try to limit how much I do that. I'm just not the type of person that can put on a happy face when I'm not.

 

 

neither am I, but I keep the complaints it to myself. Only because I can see the fun drain from my gf's face if i complain to her about things that she cant help me with.

 

You dont have to put on a happy face. just try to remember to think about what happens when you complain before you do it. And dont forget to communicate about his complaining with your bf.

[daphne]

neither am I, but I keep the complaints it to myself. Only because I can see the fun drain from my gf's face if i complain to her about things that she cant help me with.

 

Are you sure you aren't projecting? Women are much better at just listening as a way to be supportive without needing to fix anything.

 

OP,

 

I racked up more in debt than you have. I don't know what field you chose, but depending on the practicality of it, it's going to be an investment that you will be happy about later. I did it on my own, and was freaked out at how I was going to pay it all back. I make significantly more money than I made prior to going back to school. SIGNIFICANTLY.

 

Sorry if I sound like Nostradamus, but with your bf's attitude, I don't see how he's going to be a good partner for you while you're on this journey. Even if I agree with Eddie that you might want to cut down on your complaining, your bf just doesn't get it and his limiting beliefs will probably hold you back in the long run.

[threebyfate]

Noticed that you're already going to pull back on the complaining which is a good thing, all around. You might also want to consider finding a different job, one that makes you happier.

 

It also sounds like your b/f is competitive and possibly feeling a bit insecure about his own education level.

 

One last perspective is that not all degrees will equate to jobs or jobs that will be reasonably lucrative or are in demand once you graduate. Hopefully this has been factored into your choice of education which includes how far you should go. In some jobs, a PhD is a waste. In others, it's a necessity to get your foot in the door. Is it possible your b/f has some concern over this aspect?

 

If you weren't relying on debt to get your degree, my advice would change since my belief is that you can't ever get enough education, if only as a component of self-actualization.

[Eddie Edirol]

Are you sure you aren't projecting? Women are much better at just listening as a way to be supportive without needing to fix anything.

 

Im pretty good at reading facial cues, but maybe I am projecting. Ill have to experiment with that one.

 

It also sounds like your b/f is competitive and possibly feeling a bit insecure about his own education level.

 

Hey Lemon, Im with TBF on this one, your bf could very well know that he might plateau in pay at one point, and knows that you, with the education, could be limitless moneywise. On the other hand he could be just teasing you.

Edited April 21, 2011 by Eddie Edirol

[Kelemort]

Hi Lemonlegs, just thought I'd share some of my own personal experiences with you. I'm now 23 and my boyfriend is 27. We've been together for nearly 3 years. My best friend is a gay man who is my age, and we've been friends since we were 16.

 

My friend flip-flopped between colleges and eventually dropped out. I graduated. Between occasionally congratulating me, he would fume, "I can't believe people go to college. It's such a waste of time and money. People are stupid to go. I mean, I'm glad that you went." Initially, this deeply hurt me - I never rubbed my degree in his face, and we both had the same opportunities to go to school. While my family of three earned roughly $30k a year, his family's income was boosted from about $20k a year to nearly $250k a year when his mother remarried. Naturally, almost all of his financial aid was cut. I had to get loans to pay for about 60-65% of my education. I'm very grateful for the aid that I was given, although some of it was purely academic.

 

However, this struck up my friend's ire. I remember he was livid about the fact that I had gotten a scholarship that he hadn't. "I don't know what you did that was so special," he snapped.

 

We'll call it what it is: My friend is jealous and he has a poor way of dealing with it. It sounds like it's possible that your boyfriend may also be dealing with his jealousy in a poor way. By the time you start pushing your mid-20s, you want to get out of your parents' house and living your own life. It could be that he's projecting his fears, insecurities and other troubles onto YOU.

 

You're a college student who is working part-time, and that's fine. I can't tell you how many folks I went to college with who went full-time, and that was all that they did. When you have an older boyfriend, I think it's natural to feel a little pressured to be super-amazing (I was 20 and in my 3rd year of college when I started dating my boyfriend; he was 25, out of school and working full-time).

 

But later on in my college years, I was working part-time, going to school full-time and interning part-time. I was busy! I saw many friends juggling full-time jobs with full-time school, and it wasn't pretty. Many of them maybe had 5 hours a week where they could sit down, relax and do other things. For most students, a full-time school load is 12 credit hours, and that's not counting doing papers/studying/meeting up/working on projects. But, since your boyfriend's never been to college, he probably doesn't really quite understand that.

 

The next time he brings up what you should be doing, turn to him and say, "Andrew, I have what I want to do plotted out and I'm doing fine for myself. I'm 19 years old and going to school and working. I'm sorry about unloading about my job so often on you, and I understand that you are only trying to offer helpful advice. But sometimes I just want to get my frustration out and move on. It's not because I'm ungrateful about getting the job, as I'm glad to have the money, but it's very stressful. I would appreciate it if you would stop telling me what to do with my life. I'm making an investment in school right now, and once that's finished I'll start looking for full-time work."

 

If he continually picks at you about working full-time, smile and say, "Well, we're going to just have to agree to disagree. That conversation's dead and I'm not going to have it with you again, thank you."

 

And he runs to his mommy about all of your little problems? WTF? Oh Lord, I hope you're not dating my ex-boyfriend. That was one of the deciding factors when I chose to leave him - I had begun feeling much more like his mother than his girlfriend. He was a few months shy of 21 and still depended on his mom to help him do anything related to school (including changing his major), fill out his FAFSA, etc. For a year, his car was broken down and I drove him to school. When it was fixed, I mentioned in front of his mom once that he could start driving us to school. She auto-answered, "Oh, well, we need to ease him back into driving." !?!?!

 

He told his parents about everything and anything. We weren't sexually active, but he told me outright that he'd go to his parents and tell them when we were. That just creeped me out. At our age (20-21), it was none of their business.

 

Seriously, your boyfriend's going to be 23. It's time for him to start separating from his mama. I'm warning you to proceed with caution on that point. Been there, done that, and never will again!

[lemonlegs]

Perhaps he is insecure about it deep down, but truthfully, I don't think it's something he necessarily wants for himself because he's never really enjoyed school.

 

I think initially what I was taking did alarm him, but the difference is, I know what I want to do after getting my BA. I'm doing honours History and a minor in English Literature. Okay, yeah, I realize I can't get a job with those, but I plan on getting my masters in Library and Information Sciences (2 year program) afterwards. I know a girl who got her masters in a program that was apart of the same faculty and everyone she knew that took it had a job as soon as they were done. Furthermore, my mom knows 2 people, one of them being her cousin, who have been very successful with their masters degree and strongly recommended it as it was a great program.

 

Quite honestly, not many people at my age even know what they want to do after their BA. I know tons of people in sociology, psychology that have no clue what they can do with their degrees.

 

Anyways, a degree is always better than no degree when it boils down to it.

 

I was seriously comtemplating breaking up with him, not for just this issue, but as I said, it made me reflect on many other things he said. Then I spoke to him on the phone today and he kept apologizing to me and telling me how horrible he felt. I told him that the next time I see him, we need to sit down and address these issues because what was brought up the other night did not sit well with me at all. He understood, told me he was worried about what I was going to say, and I told him not to worry. I love him and generally, he's a good boyfriend, but yes, when it comes to certain things, he annoys me. I will let him know and hopefully it will open his eyes. If not, well, I'll worry about it when it happens I suppose.

 

EDIT: Yes, the whole mother thing kinda worries me. That's just a separate issue altogether and is probably something I'll bring up when I sit down and talk to him. I won't attack him but let him know. It is rather annoying how for Christmas/Thanksgiving dinners, he HAS to, HAS to, be there and can't come to my dinner unless it's on an entirely different day. Lame? I think so. My mom joked that she'd never see her grandchildren if we ever happened to have any, though she's voiced to me she doesn't think he's the right guy for me.

Edited April 21, 2011 by lemonlegs

[Kelemort]

You've got a good head on your shoulders, sounds like - especially with the Library Science thing.

 

To that end, you seem to write well for your age (I don't mean that as an insult, but many relatively-fresh-out-of-high-school kids are terrible writers). Your grammar and punctuation look all right. Do you have any background in writing?

 

You might be able to get into freelance writing - do you have a resume? Any writing samples? A bit of a background in journalism would help, but many of my friends are also freelancing when they have no journalism background (some of them went to school for art or didn't go to school at all)! Look up 'Demand Studios.' Is it a content mill? Yes. But it's a content mill that pays. Pay is usually $15/flat per article - generally, I set aside $5 from each article for taxes, as it's a contractor position. But essentially, I make $10 or so an article after taxes, sometimes more.

 

Initially, it would take more than an hour to write a single article. Now, I can usually write one in less than half an hour.

 

If you're interested, it could get you out of that crappy server job.

[Kelemort]

Your mom may be right. You've been dating this guy since you were 18. The average U.S. woman gets married at 25.6 years of age - so statistically, it's unlikely that this is the guy with whom you'll marry, but it's not impossible. My brother started dating his wife when they were 17, and they've now been together for nearly 13 years. It happens.

 

If he's not willing to compromise on something like where to eat or when, just imagine what the rest of your life is going to be like. S/O's grandparents usually make dinner for the holidays, and so does my mom. We usually let both know about our plans, and they try to coordinate to the best of their abilities.

 

But there have been times when BOTH households are having something at 3:30 or 4. We told both sides around what time we'd be there. I couldn't imagine telling him, "No, we're not going to your peoples'," and I'd tell him where to go if he thought we were going to hang out with his family all night long while mine was ignored. Frankly, my house has a lot of younger people that make the holidays more entertaining

 

Now that we live together, we'll probably split up our priorities better...like switching off holidays, but maybe not. It can make the holidays fun to skip from house-to-house.

[lemonlegs]

You've got a good head on your shoulders, sounds like - especially with the Library Science thing.

 

To that end, you seem to write well for your age (I don't mean that as an insult, but many relatively-fresh-out-of-high-school kids are terrible writers). Your grammar and punctuation look all right. Do you have any background in writing?

 

You might be able to get into freelance writing - do you have a resume? Any writing samples? A bit of a background in journalism would help, but many of my friends are also freelancing when they have no journalism background (some of them went to school for art or didn't go to school at all)! Look up 'Demand Studios.' Is it a content mill? Yes. But it's a content mill that pays. Pay is usually $15/flat per article - generally, I set aside $5 from each article for taxes, as it's a contractor position. But essentially, I make $10 or so an article after taxes, sometimes more.

 

Initially, it would take more than an hour to write a single article. Now, I can usually write one in less than half an hour.

 

If you're interested, it could get you out of that crappy server job.

 

Thank you, Kelemort!

 

I don't really have a background in writing, no. But I've always loved writing and spelling and grammar have always come naturally to me.

 

That does sound quite interesting. It would be good for the summer, especially because I feel so empty not having to write 3 papers a month. That being said, the only sample writing I have are papers. Books reviews, essays, etc.

[Kelemort]

Book reviews would work well as a writing sample. If you can, start writing for the school newspaper now (...uh, although they may cease publishing for the summer). That will definitely help when you apply. Or write for a creative arts magazine. Something that you can list on a resume toward that goal.

 

When I applied, my writing samples were from journalism classes that I had, so they were actual articles.

 

Your writing sample could also be a "How to" guide - I'm sure you've seen Ehow before. Writing a tutorial about something, anything, would suffice as a writing sample.

 

I'm not sure how to access private messages on here (or if I even can without a subscription), but if I ever figure it out, I can give you more information and advice when you choose to apply. I'd be happy to edit your writing sample.

[lemonlegs]

Book reviews would work well as a writing sample. If you can, start writing for the school newspaper now (...uh, although they may cease publishing for the summer). That will definitely help when you apply. Or write for a creative arts magazine. Something that you can list on a resume toward that goal.

 

When I applied, my writing samples were from journalism classes that I had, so they were actual articles.

 

Your writing sample could also be a "How to" guide - I'm sure you've seen Ehow before. Writing a tutorial about something, anything, would suffice as a writing sample.

 

I'm not sure how to access private messages on here (or if I even can without a subscription), but if I ever figure it out, I can give you more information and advice when you choose to apply. I'd be happy to edit your writing sample.

 

Thank you for that information, you're very kind!

 

I used to be a whiz at forums but I haven't mastered this one yet either.

 

As for your other post, my mom said the exact same thing. She says that she doesn't know very many people that were dating when they were 19 that are still together. It happens, sure. Highly unlikely though. I've come to terms with that.

[Kelemort]

The best thought exercise I've had with friends/boyfriend/family is, "Imagine that you married the person you were dating when you were 19." For some, that's, "Well, I did marry that person!" for others, it's, "Oh Lord I was so young and it was so stupid."

 

Is your current boyfriend your first boyfriend?

 

I still remember the day when my mom gave me her opinion about my first boyfriend (we started dating when we were 19). She stormed into my room after he had done something to tick me off and she said, "You are letting that boy take advantage of you, and you need to nip that in the bud and dump him right now." It was 2 or 3 months into the relationship. Of course, I was starry-eyed and I couldn't see what she was talking about. The next year was beyond miserable, as he progressively became more and more selfish, manipulative, all of that.

 

My first boyfriend is still the butt of jokes. My boyfriend heard stories about how awful he was from other family members. My ex once did some awfully hilarious and stupid karate moves in front of my parents to demonstrate how he would protect me when we were going to a midnight movie. He then made the claim, "I'm a black belt in karate," as he was prone to lying and BSing. In reality, he had fooled around and wrestled with one of his friends one afternoon, who WAS a black belt.

 

My boyfriend will now swing his arms around and say, "Don't worry, Kelemort, I'm a black belt in karate. I'll protect you!" My ex also let his car sit broken down for a year and would never fix it, but expected me to continue driving him around for another year. My boyfriend and I ran into my ex and his new girlfriend in a very awkward meet-up at a restaurant. We never spoke to each other, and my ex and his girlfriend left first. After they left, my boyfriend commented, "Damn. I was just about to go up to him and ask him if he needed a ride home."

[lemonlegs]

The best thought exercise I've had with friends/boyfriend/family is, "Imagine that you married the person you were dating when you were 19." For some, that's, "Well, I did marry that person!" for others, it's, "Oh Lord I was so young and it was so stupid."

 

Is your current boyfriend your first boyfriend?

 

I still remember the day when my mom gave me her opinion about my first boyfriend (we started dating when we were 19). She stormed into my room after he had done something to tick me off and she said, "You are letting that boy take advantage of you, and you need to nip that in the bud and dump him right now." It was 2 or 3 months into the relationship. Of course, I was starry-eyed and I couldn't see what she was talking about. The next year was beyond miserable, as he progressively became more and more selfish, manipulative, all of that.

 

My first boyfriend is still the butt of jokes. My boyfriend heard stories about how awful he was from other family members. My ex once did some awfully hilarious and stupid karate moves in front of my parents to demonstrate how he would protect me when we were going to a midnight movie. He then made the claim, "I'm a black belt in karate," as he was prone to lying and BSing. In reality, he had fooled around and wrestled with one of his friends one afternoon, who WAS a black belt.

 

My boyfriend will now swing his arms around and say, "Don't worry, Kelemort, I'm a black belt in karate. I'll protect you!" My ex also let his car sit broken down for a year and would never fix it, but expected me to continue driving him around for another year. My boyfriend and I ran into my ex and his new girlfriend in a very awkward meet-up at a restaurant. We never spoke to each other, and my ex and his girlfriend left first. After they left, my boyfriend commented, "Damn. I was just about to go up to him and ask him if he needed a ride home."

 

That's hilarious!

 

No, my current boyfriend is not my first serious boyfriend. I started dating another guy when I was about 17 and that lasted for 8 months. It was definitely not a good relationship by any stretch of the imagination. Initially I thought it was and so did my parents. They absolutely loved him, but it was because, like your ex, he lied about everything in order to make himself appear better in the eyes of others. He had very low self-esteem and was insecure to have had to lie about many of those things. He also cheated on me with his ex girlfriend.

 

That's why I consider my current boyfriend to be amazing. Which, for the most part, he is a good boyfriend. Minus the things that I've explained on here. He's very affectionate and always lets me know how much he loves me, and I think honestly, we've started to take each other for granted a little bit. Since we've started dating, we've spent quite a bit of time together and as a result, it's made us a little bit too comfortable to the point where he feels as though he can voice his opinion, no matter how harsh, without any consequences. I truly think he would be crushed if I ended things, and I would too.

[musemaj11]

People who have student loans need not worry because education is an invaluable investment which will give you returns multiple fold in the future.

 

UNLESS, you are one of those idiots who take out massive loan to spend it on garbage degrees such as Psychology, Literature, Black Studies, Chicano Studies or Women's Studies.

[Kelemort]

I'm $25k in student debt - but thankfully for me and a lot of younger kids who are graduating now, there are some decent payment plans in place. I graduated last May and still have yet to find a job (I've had about 5 interviews in that time...blech. However, I went to school for communications, so it was somewhat to be expected - and I'm in Michigan).

 

If you have federal loans, you're likely in good hands. I'm on the income contingent repayment plan - so my payments have been zip, zilch zero since repayment started in November because I'm not making squat. That goes for the next 25 years, and supposedly if it's not paid off then, they'll forgive the remaining amount that's owed.

 

I feel bad for anyone who marries me, as then we'll quickly be back to the big ol' student loan payments. If I had chosen the 10 year repayment plan, my payments would be $300 a month. Not horrible, but still practically rent.

[alethean]

People who have student loans need not worry because education is an invaluable investment which will give you returns multiple fold in the future.

 

UNLESS, you are one of those idiots who take out massive loan to spend it on garbage degrees such as Psychology, Literature, Black Studies, Chicano Studies or Women's Studies.

 

I know people who got those degrees and are making their money now. One was a Women's Studies major and will be working in marketing as soon as she graduates this spring, making...um, quite a bit of money per year. So you never know. But most of the people I know who get those degrees usually get a master's, PhD, or go to med/law school afterward.

[musemaj11]

I feel bad for anyone who marries me, as then we'll quickly be back to the big ol' student loan payments. If I had chosen the 10 year repayment plan, my payments would be $300 a month. Not horrible, but still practically rent.

Ya well, student loans suck. But if you can find a husband with a good job he will help you.

 

Imagine if you were a guy ,,,

 

I know people who got those degrees and are making their money now. One was a Women's Studies major and will be working in marketing as soon as she graduates this spring, making...um, quite a bit of money per year. So you never know. But most of the people I know who get those degrees usually get a master's, PhD, or go to med/law school afterward.

Exactly, if someone is going to take out a huge gamble, at least reduce the risk as much as you can.

 

People should pursue less 'money-oriented' degrees only if their parents pay for their tuition or something.

Edited April 21, 2011 by musemaj11

[Kamille]

 

People should pursue less 'money-oriented' degrees only if their parents pay for their tuition or something.

 

It is true that in the field I had chosen, most people's degrees were paid by their parents.

 

Many of my friends, those who had to pay for their degree, started money-oriented degrees: engineering and business school being the two most popular. Sadly, many of them dropped out. Now that's wasting money, if you ask me. They weren't interested in the degree they picked. They ended up going back to school years later, usually for college degrees, in fields they liked.

 

After seeing them go through all that, I would encourage my kids to pick whatever degree they felt like choosing, regardless of its money-orientation. All the people I knew who completed their lit, psych, sociology or women's study degrees have good jobs.