lemonlegs Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year now. Currently, I'm finishing up my second year of university. Today he was driving me home from a gathering with our friends. He asked me if everything was okay because I was being a bit distant because he kept being rude to me and joking about it with MY male friends, and then he would grab me and say "I'm just kidding!" Anyway, he again asked me on the way home and I said nothing was wrong. He proceeded to tell me that I've been a bitch lately and I responded by saying that he's also been kind of rude to me lately. He said that it might have to do with me being in school. Truthfully, yes, I haven't been happy in the past little bit because I'm struggling with school, I HATE my part time job, and I barely have a social life besides my boyfriend. Yet, he doesn't relate or understand any of this. He's never gone to University, he works a full-time job yet thinks he knows everything about getting/maintaing a job, and gets to hangout with his friends regularly as he works with them and gets to see them WHILE I'M STUDYING/WORKING PART-TIME. He then went on to say that he hated how I bitched about my part-time serving job a lot. He told me that he hates how everytime after I work I complain about my job. Meanwhile, I've worked at this job the whole school year, and it's not THE job I hate, it's some of the people I work with. Yet, he tells me he finds it insulting because his mom "helped me get my job." Furthermore, he then says, "I don't know what the f*** you're doing because University students should be working full-time. You owe back a bunch of student loans, what do you think you're going to do about that!?!" At which point, I got out of his truck, told him that was none of his business and slammed the door. I was extremely upset by this because my ex did the exact same thing. He put such a huge emphasis on money because he had a full-time job while I was a student. Both of my boyfriends dated me KNOWING I would be a poor student for a while. Besides, I always contribute to dates/payments/ whatever so he has nothing to be concerned about. I realize I work a part-time job. My current boyfriend never had to pay for his education and his older sister who went to university had it all paid for my their grandparents. Unfortunately, I don't get that privilege. Also, my parents do not make as much as his parents do. I feel like he's being very snotty about the whole situation. Omitting any personal feelings about financial situations or how to pay off student loans because I don't care to hear about that, how should I react? He texted me saying he was sorry and keeps trying to phone me but I'm ignoring him. This is by far the biggest fight we've ever been in and I'm actually contemplating breaking up with him I don't want a boyfriend who's unsupportive of me going to school/ my financial strains, etc? How to handle this? OH, and by the way, I'm only 19 and have about 4 more years of school left. Meanwhile, he's almost 23, works full time making good money, has nothing saved, and still lives with his parents.
Professor X Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 While I'm not working on a part time job or even a full one - hour wise(I am self employed and make more than enough), I can 100% relate to what you're going through. I was at university and studied chemistry, and here it's the 2nd most course heavy degree there is. And while I did not have to work during my degree to pay for my education (I served in the army for 3 years prior to that and got the money saved from that), I had many friends who did, and I know how hard it can get. You study all day and with the little time you got left you need to work, to do your homework, to prepare for exams and quizzes, to eat and to sleep. What you should do is talk to him, vent to him everything you wrote here, explain how hard it is for you (we men don't always figure it out by ourselves), and ask for his support. If, after that, he won't be able to do it, than maybe you're better off without him, because I'm 100% sure that you don't want a RS as another burden on your shoulders. Your RS with him should become your sanctuary, a place to run away from all the troubles, not another source of it. And maybe the 2 of you don't walk on the same path anymore.
fortyninethousand322 Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 Well since I actually am in a similar life stage as you are I can relate a little bit. Being a student while working is HARD. All of my friends who work full time and go to school part time have horrible grades. So your boyfriend's opinion that college kids should work full time is completely bogus. Some people can handle it, but it's definitely not for everyone. Here's the deal: you're only 19. You only get one chance really to make the most out of your university experience so you might as well put your primary focus on getting good grades and getting that degree. Your boyfriend knew this when he started dating you. I'm going to suggest that you have a serious frank discussion with him about how you feel and how his actions have made you feel. Try not to raise voices or get into an intense debate, but calmly assert your position. If this does not work and he still isn't being supportive of you getting an education, then you have to decide whether or not this is a healthy relationship. There are plenty of guys out there who would be supportive of your educational goals (maybe some in your university?). Good luck
Author lemonlegs Posted April 19, 2011 Author Posted April 19, 2011 Thank you so much for your insight. It's good to know other people CAN relate to me. It's extremely hard because he has never experienced it first-hand and the only experience he can relate it to is his sister's and it was entirely different: she didn't have to pay for it, and she had a far easier major.
Kamille Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 Point out to him that you're investing in your education. On average, Americans increase their lifetime earnings by 900 000$ with a bachelor's degree (compared to a high school degree). Compare whatever debt you incur with that increased earning. Tell him you truly believe this is the right path for you. Source: (after the cartoon) http://www.dba-oracle.com/t_increased_earnings_income_bachelors_masters_doctorate.htm As to the fact you complain about your coworkers: I've been in the shoes of living with a roommate who constantly complained about her co-workers. While I tried to empathize with her, it eventually got very tiresome to hear her complain. The worst part was that I felt absolutely powerless to help her with the situation. I know my roommate only wanted to vent, but I eventually felt like that was all she could talk about. Question is: does your bf have a point? Are you using him as a dumping ground for the stress you're experiencing at work and at school?
Author lemonlegs Posted April 19, 2011 Author Posted April 19, 2011 Point out to him that you're investing in your education. On average, Americans increase their lifetime earnings by 900 000$ with a bachelor's degree (compared to a high school degree). Compare whatever debt you incur with that increased earning. Tell him you truly believe this is the right path for you. Source: (after the cartoon) http://www.dba-oracle.com/t_increased_earnings_income_bachelors_masters_doctorate.htm As to the fact you complain about your coworkers: I've been in the shoes of living with a roommate who constantly complained about her co-workers. While I tried to empathize with her, it eventually got very tiresome to hear her complain. The worst part was that I felt absolutely powerless to help her with the situation. I know my roommate only wanted to vent, but I eventually felt like that was all she could talk about. Question is: does your bf have a point? Are you using him as a dumping ground for the stress you're experiencing at work and at school? I'm pretty interested in school minus the struggle I sometimes have with it. And he knows that. Yes, I vent to him like most people would vent to their significant other. Of course most people have grievences with jobs and seeing as he's the closest person to me, I tend to vent them to him. He's never expressed that it's bothered him or anything like that in the past. I'm not sure if there's anything else bothering him. The whole situation hurt my feelings really bad. He's called me multiple times, and he's at work. I haven't answered though I don't really want to tonight.
Kamille Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 Yes, I vent to him like most people would vent to their significant other. Of course most people have grievences with jobs and seeing as he's the closest person to me, I tend to vent them to him. He's never expressed that it's bothered him or anything like that in the past. Yeah, it sounds like you two were in the midst of bad evening / bad fight and he was slinging whatever he could your way. I also vent to my significant other occasion, but don't think it's fair to present it as a significant other's task to listen to us vent. I'm not sure if there's anything else bothering him. The whole situation hurt my feelings really bad. He's called me multiple times, and he's at work. I haven't answered though I don't really want to tonight. It sounds like you're here because you want to figure out how you feel about the fight before talking to him. You ask how you should react. It depends. What do you want moving forward. What could he do to show he supports your schooling? What can you do to figure out if anything else is bothering him? Hopefully, you two can gear off the feeling of "fighting" and shift to working like a team, trying to figure out together what the main issues are and how to move forward.
Eddie Edirol Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 I'm pretty interested in school minus the struggle I sometimes have with it. And he knows that. Yes, I vent to him like most people would vent to their significant other. Of course most people have grievences with jobs and seeing as he's the closest person to me, I tend to vent them to him. He's never expressed that it's bothered him or anything like that in the past. I'm not sure if there's anything else bothering him. The whole situation hurt my feelings really bad. He's called me multiple times, and he's at work. I haven't answered though I don't really want to tonight. it sounds like you want autonomy with venting to your boyfriend, but no one can handle hearing someone complain about anything constantly, it isnt attractive, and it cant be supported. No one wants to hear it. I know you want your bf to listen to you complain, and he hasnt expressed concerns about your complaining, but this is what it all comes down to. Hes a guy, and guys dont want to listen, they want to solve the problem. Your guy cant solve the problem of your hatred for the people at your job, theres nothing he can do to help you get over that. just listening to you complain will keep driving him over the edge. You have to try to see things from his perspective. i assume you dont have anyone complaining to you. Even if you had girlfriends to hang with, they wouldnt want to hear you complain either, its not fun. As much as you want people to see your point of view, you have to empathize with his. I think you need to get out of the habit of venting constantly. I think you should try to to stop thinking that you NEED to vent at the end of the day. Id say try to let things slide at work, but its a server job, that is maddening work. Youre supposed to be happy to see your bf at the end of the day, not unload on him. Its not fair to him. He cant be supportive in that capacity ALL THE TIME, you have to give him a break. maybe only vent to him once a week, but hes a solver, not a listener, it might not work then either. You must be sympathetic to his needs as well, and maybe find other ways to unwind rather than venting to him. That kind of constant complaining is damaging to a relationship, and its only your fault.
xpaperxcutx Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 He's acting the way he is because he has no sense of responsibility. To him, everything is handed on a silver platter ( evidenced by his parents being extremely well off) hence his lack of understanding on what you're going through. Even if he does have a full time job, it sounds like he hardly takes his work seriously ( especially if he's so chummy with his co-workers). You have every right to be mad. Even if you're complaining about your job, he should be understanding that you're merely venting about the hardships you're going through. For him to blow up on you and call you a " bitch" ( whether figuratively or otherwise) is disrespectful. This kind of behaviour borders on verbal abuse, so, no, a simple apology hardly erases what he has done. The both of you need to have a serious talk and if he does not change or eradicate his need to ' lecture' you, you're better off being single.
Author lemonlegs Posted April 19, 2011 Author Posted April 19, 2011 it sounds like you want autonomy with venting to your boyfriend, but no one can handle hearing someone complain about anything constantly, it isnt attractive, and it cant be supported. No one wants to hear it. I know you want your bf to listen to you complain, and he hasnt expressed concerns about your complaining, but this is what it all comes down to. Hes a guy, and guys dont want to listen, they want to solve the problem. Your guy cant solve the problem of your hatred for the people at your job, theres nothing he can do to help you get over that. just listening to you complain will keep driving him over the edge. You have to try to see things from his perspective. i assume you dont have anyone complaining to you. Even if you had girlfriends to hang with, they wouldnt want to hear you complain either, its not fun. As much as you want people to see your point of view, you have to empathize with his. I think you need to get out of the habit of venting constantly. I think you should try to to stop thinking that you NEED to vent at the end of the day. Id say try to let things slide at work, but its a server job, that is maddening work. Youre supposed to be happy to see your bf at the end of the day, not unload on him. Its not fair to him. He cant be supportive in that capacity ALL THE TIME, you have to give him a break. maybe only vent to him once a week, but hes a solver, not a listener, it might not work then either. You must be sympathetic to his needs as well, and maybe find other ways to unwind rather than venting to him. That kind of constant complaining is damaging to a relationship, and its only your fault. Fair enough, I understand what you're saying. But I listen to his complaints about work. And just to clarify, this isn't a daily occurrence. It only happens when I work with one specific. Otherwise I get along with everybody I work with. I think something else might be bothering him...
Kamille Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 I think something else might be bothering him... Any idea what that could be?
Author lemonlegs Posted April 19, 2011 Author Posted April 19, 2011 He's acting the way he is because he has no sense of responsibility. To him, everything is handed on a silver platter ( evidenced by his parents being extremely well off) hence his lack of understanding on what you're going through. Even if he does have a full time job, it sounds like he hardly takes his work seriously ( especially if he's so chummy with his co-workers). You have every right to be mad. Even if you're complaining about your job, he should be understanding that you're merely venting about the hardships you're going through. For him to blow up on you and call you a " bitch" ( whether figuratively or otherwise) is disrespectful. This kind of behaviour borders on verbal abuse, so, no, a simple apology hardly erases what he has done. The both of you need to have a serious talk and if he does not change or eradicate his need to ' lecture' you, you're better off being single. He is a serious worker which is why I try to take his advice regarding work seriously, though, as I previously said, what I do and what he does is totally different. However, you're right, I'm sick and tired of him 'lecturing' me because that's definitely what it is. I've told him that I don't like it, and he claims that he's only trying to help me and doesn't want to see me cause myself problems. Of course, I appreciate that. But at the same time, I'm an adult and I'm an individual and can make my own decisions without advisories. Moreover, he's my boyfriend and should be willing to listen to me vent about things I may not be happy with in my life without acting as though it's unbearable. And I don't give 2 sh its if his mom helped me get my job, as of 6 months ago, it's been MY job therefore it's none of her's or my boyfriend's business as far as I'm concerned.
Kamille Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 He is a serious worker which is why I try to take his advice regarding work seriously, though, as I previously said, what I do and what he does is totally different. However, you're right, I'm sick and tired of him 'lecturing' me because that's definitely what it is. I've told him that I don't like it, and he claims that he's only trying to help me and doesn't want to see me cause myself problems. Of course, I appreciate that. But at the same time, I'm an adult and I'm an individual and can make my own decisions without advisories. Moreover, he's my boyfriend and should be willing to listen to me vent about things I may not be happy with in my life without acting as though it's unbearable. And I don't give 2 sh its if his mom helped me get my job, as of 6 months ago, it's been MY job therefore it's none of her's or my boyfriend's business as far as I'm concerned. By venting to your bf about your job, you are making it his business. Eddie Eddirol has a point. When you vent to your boyfriend, all he hears is: "my girlfriend is unhappy". When a guy hears that, he usually feels his job is to make her happy. That leads to him immediately want to offer advice, which you're now interpreting as a lecture. He's thinking: "I'm showing her how much I care", you're thinking "he's patronizing me". Never underestimate how much men feel responsible for their gf's well-being.
Author lemonlegs Posted April 19, 2011 Author Posted April 19, 2011 By venting to your bf about your job, you are making it his business. Eddie Eddirol has a point. When you vent to your boyfriend, all he hears is: "my girlfriend is unhappy". When a guy hears that, he usually feels his job is to make her happy. That leads to him immediately want to offer advice, which you're now interpreting as a lecture. He's thinking: "I'm showing her how much I care", you're thinking "he's patronizing me". Never underestimate how much men feel responsible for their gf's well-being. I definitely think that can be applied to him. I just spoke to him on the phone and as you suggested, he said that he's only trying to help me and when he hears me complain about it, he offers me advice. Throughout I told him how I felt about his opinions and vocal opposition to a lot of my decisions. He proceeded to say "We just have very different views on things." Hm.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 Forgetting about your financial situation, it is quite clear that you are with a guy who is manipulative and who is showing signs of deep personality flaws of the sort you would do well to get away from now. He just goads you into a battle and then thrives on the battle. You could sooooooooooooo upgrade your life by cutting him out of it.
Kamille Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 I definitely think that can be applied to him. I just spoke to him on the phone and as you suggested, he said that he's only trying to help me and when he hears me complain about it, he offers me advice. Throughout I told him how I felt about his opinions and vocal opposition to a lot of my decisions. He proceeded to say "We just have very different views on things." Hm. Different views? Definite hm. (Any idea what he meant?) Perhaps what you could do is recognize his intention. "I understand that you give me advice because you care." I wonder if part of the issue for you is that when he give you advice, you feel he's judging you. Is that the case? If so, you have to figure out if you believe his opinion comes from a place of care instead or if it comes from a place of judgement. Also, something to consider: I imagine it might the end of the semester for you, and therefore final exams. Your stress level is probably at it's highest right now. Have you been feeling moodier lately? Do you perhaps just need some rest right now?
Eddie Edirol Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 I definitely think that can be applied to him. I just spoke to him on the phone and as you suggested, he said that he's only trying to help me and when he hears me complain about it, he offers me advice. Throughout I told him how I felt about his opinions and vocal opposition to a lot of my decisions. He proceeded to say "We just have very different views on things." Hm. Youre very reasonable Lemonlegs, I applaud you for that. You can tell him that you want to try to handle things, and if you want his help you will ask him for it. I have a bad habit of butting in my opinions for solutions even though I wasnt asked, he might have that reflex when he hears an opening for a fix. Sometimes I cant help it, its something I have to resist. Ill take it one step further. I had an ex that used to vent about her job. After fading out of ventings and I kept hearing from her "Youre not listening to me!" I had to explain to her that Im not a good listener if I cant be a part of the conversation. I cannot listen to her vent without offering solutions. I knew she didnt need solutions, but In my head, there are ways to fix things, and theres no point in talking about things that you dont want fixed. Women want to vent to feel better, guys only feel better when they fix the problem and get it over with. I even tried to keep my mouth shut, and I couldnt restrain myself from saying "well why dont you just....". I knew she just wanted to vent, I wanted her to be able to feel better by working out her thoughts, but I couldnt be a listener. I started to resent her for this, and I told her this. So to fix it, I limited her to 7 minutes of venting a day, and then we have to go back to regular conversation. To make up for her not completing a vent, I tried to offer up interesting conversation that would make her forget about her work woes. Theres plenty of stuff to talk about.
Author lemonlegs Posted April 19, 2011 Author Posted April 19, 2011 Different views? Definite hm. (Any idea what he meant?) Perhaps what you could do is recognize his intention. "I understand that you give me advice because you care." I wonder if part of the issue for you is that when he give you advice, you feel he's judging you. Is that the case? If so, you have to figure out if you believe his opinion comes from a place of care instead or if it comes from a place of judgement. Also, something to consider: I imagine it might the end of the semester for you, and therefore final exams. Your stress level is probably at it's highest right now. Have you been feeling moodier lately? Do you perhaps just need some rest right now? Yes, I have exams right now. I actually had a 3 hour history exam at 9 AM today and it's almost 1 AM and I'm still awake. He acknowledged that prior to saying anything too rude. He said, "I know it's probably because of school, but you've been really bitchy with me lately" (yes, he likes to use that word frequently when describing me while angry apparently...lol) but then continues to start an argument and bash my decisions and pretty much a lot of things that are happening to me right now I guess. So, why would he do that assuming that I've been stressed and yes, probably slightly "bitchy" because I've struggled with school and now I'm deciding my fate by writing these exams? Why wouldn't he bite his tongue OR, better yet, calmly say, "Listen, I know you're really stressed but honestly, you've been kinda grumpy lately and it's bumming me out." Okay, that's really sugar coating it but it's better than saying I'm a huge complainer and acting as though I have no justification for making the decisions that I have.
Eddie Edirol Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 So, why would he do that assuming that I've been stressed and yes, probably slightly "bitchy" because I've struggled with school and now I'm deciding my fate by writing these exams? Why wouldn't he bite his tongue OR, better yet, calmly say, "Listen, I know you're really stressed but honestly, you've been kinda grumpy lately and it's bumming me out." Okay, that's really sugar coating it but it's better than saying I'm a huge complainer and acting as though I have no justification for making the decisions that I have. That depends, he could be frustrated, at a boiling point, he could be using the word bitchy to dissuede you from complaining to you. he might think that if he called you bitchy that you wouldnt want to be bitchy, and hence stop complaining. Its hard to speak gently when youre all charged up in the situation. Im pretty sure if you didnt complain to him about school, work, and money, he has no reason say what he says. Give it a shot, see what happens. That way, if he complains about hsi job, you can talk to him about shutting that down.
xpaperxcutx Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 Yes, I have exams right now. I actually had a 3 hour history exam at 9 AM today and it's almost 1 AM and I'm still awake. He acknowledged that prior to saying anything too rude. He said, "I know it's probably because of school, but you've been really bitchy with me lately" (yes, he likes to use that word frequently when describing me while angry apparently...lol) but then continues to start an argument and bash my decisions and pretty much a lot of things that are happening to me right now I guess. So, why would he do that assuming that I've been stressed and yes, probably slightly "bitchy" because I've struggled with school and now I'm deciding my fate by writing these exams? Why wouldn't he bite his tongue OR, better yet, calmly say, "Listen, I know you're really stressed but honestly, you've been kinda grumpy lately and it's bumming me out." Okay, that's really sugar coating it but it's better than saying I'm a huge complainer and acting as though I have no justification for making the decisions that I have. I understand now. Your boyfriend has a poor vocabulary and as far as the fighting is concerned, he would have done better to " mind his tongue" than to condescend with profanity. As far as stress and midterms are concerned, maybe you guys should limit contact until all the tests are finished. It would do you some good to concentrate on one thing than to multitask and overstrain your focus. I have to say I'm in a similar position where my girlfriend is working full time and trying to keep up with school. When we're together, she is simply too overwhelmed to give me any attention. I have learned to compromise by giving her space to focus on her priorities right now. It isn't that she is putting me on the back burner, but her work and school is a priority that this relationship will have to take a backseat to.
Kamille Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 The way I see it, you have two issues: How you handle stressful times as a coupleHow you feel patronized / like he's saying you don't know how to make the right decisions for yourself Again, my advice is based on the premise that you do believe he wants what's best for you. Have you told him that when he gives you advice, you feel like he's bashing your decisions? If so, how did he respond? So, why would he do that assuming that I've been stressed and yes, probably slightly "bitchy" because I've struggled with school and now I'm deciding my fate by writing these exams? Why wouldn't he bite his tongue OR, better yet, calmly say, "Listen, I know you're really stressed but honestly, you've been kinda grumpy lately and it's bumming me out." Okay, that's really sugar coating it but it's better than saying I'm a huge complainer and acting as though I have no justification for making the decisions that I have. Agreed. You are stressed right now. It will end soon. Did you tell him what you wrote just here? It sounds perfect to me. You take responsibility for your own emotions. Instead of assuming that he should guess you're stressed out though, I would talk about the issue as though you are suggesting a solution. "I know I've been stressed out lately. I wish you could understand why I'm stressed out, and support me through the next few weeks. In the future, I'll try to give you a heads up when I'm feeling stressed out. If I get grumpy though, I would prefer that you say something like "Listen, I know you're really stressed but honestly, you've been kinda grumpy lately and it's bumming me out" than make me feel like I'm a huge complainer.
musemaj11 Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 Only a stupid university student would wanna end up with a person who is uneducated. If there is anyone I despise in this world, it is uneducated people. If I had a daughter, I would let her marry a poor man, but I would never let her marry a man without at least a college degree.
P&R Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 Only a stupid university student would wanna end up with a person who is uneducated. If there is anyone I despise in this world, it is uneducated people. If I had a daughter, I would let her marry a poor man, but I would never let her marry a man without at least a college degree. What do Bill Gates, Michael Dell, Steve Jobs, Larry Ellison and Richard Branson have in common? They don't have a college degree. A college degree is a poor berometer to judge ones intelligence, and character by.
musemaj11 Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 (edited) What do Bill Gates, Michael Dell, Steve Jobs, Larry Ellison and Richard Branson have in common? They don't have a college degree. A college degree is a poor berometer to judge ones intelligence, and character by. Why dont companies hire people with no degrees then if its a poor barometer of intelligence and character? Bill Gates does not indeed have a college degree. But he was accepted to HARVARD UNIVERSITY! Edited April 19, 2011 by musemaj11
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