LearningLove Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 Sigh, I love my parents. They did an excellent job raising me and were always there for me in my toughest times. Now, I'm older own my own home and have an excellent job that is pretty much safe from the economy. For the past two years my parents have lived with me--please distinguish this from me living with my parents. My dad is a hard worker but he had to retire early mainly because his industry died. My mom has always been a stay at home mom. Although frugal and money wise, none of it changed the fact that they could not live on their own without help. I am more than happy to be there for them in their old age. An older brother of mine helps, but primarily if there are any financial issues which need additional assistance. How does this situation look like to women? I would be more than happy to help my girlfriend's family in the same way. Also, my parents are the sweetest most easy going people on the plane. Seriously, they have never hassled any woman I have dated. Would you marry a man who was committed to taking care of his parents in their old age?
Jazzari Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 I think helping out your parents is wonderful. But I'm not sure I would want to share a home with them no matter how wonderful they are. It would feel like your mother's home and not mine. There can only be one queen of the castle. Obviously though, it would depend. I'd certainly be willing to meet them and see how it goes.
daphne Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 While your willingness to help your parents out in rough times is noble, I think it really will hurt your chances with a lot of women. There's a stigma attached to it. If you can get to know someone so they can see that you aren't a deadbeat but quite the opposite, you'll still have the issue of her not necessarily wanting to live with your parents. Sorry. You sound like a great son.
veggirl Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 A man helping take care of his parents in HIS home is admirable. I would not mind that at all and I'm surprised this would be a deterant to the above posters. It's not at all the same as "living at home". I wouldn't be sleeping over at the dudes place, but that is a minor bump as long as the girl has her own place
Author LearningLove Posted April 19, 2011 Author Posted April 19, 2011 Thanks for the replies. At this point in life having met so many women who turned out not to be marriage material, I would much rather live my life as a noble son to my parents. At the end of the day it is just more satisfying. I cherish every moment my parents are on this earth. I would not change anything. As far as I see it, they took care of me in my first eighteen years of life I can sure take care of them in their last years of life. The only concern I have is I want to have children. I'm completely open to adoption but I'm not certain if I can adopt without a wife. I think I can have foster kids. I used to teach religious class. Two of my students were foster children; wonderful little brother and sister. Man, were they great kids. I hope I made a difference in their life. I would primarily teach my students Socratic issues, because my church embraces Socrates. So, my first lesson was the following: ME: If you cannot see something, or hear something or smell something does that mean it doesn't exist? Students: No, it does not exist. ME: But how about love? Can you buy love in a candy machine or a soda machine or in a supermarket? Students: NO (Unanimously) ME: Then does that mean it doesn't exist? Students: NO (Unanimously) ME: So then could it be wrong that because you do not see, hear or smell something it does not exist. Students: YES (Unanimously) ME: And that is God.
AzaleaBelle Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 Honestly, this is something that my boyfriend and I have talked about. If it were necessary, he would take care of his parents, in our house, in their old age. As would I with my parents. However, going into a new relationship, it might take a little getting use to. I once went on a date with this guy who bought a house with his mother. THAT was weird. Your situation isn't weird, but honorable.
Eeyore79 Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 I think it's very noble that you want to take care of your parents. I wouldn't have a problem with dating a guy who lived with his parents, as long as he was prepared to move out and live with me at some point in the future. However the problem with your situation is that living with your parents is a permanent arrangement, and that's what would put me off - I wouldn't be prepared to have my boyfriend's parents living with us for the rest of their lives. I want us to be an independent adult married couple; I don't want my lifestyle restricted by living with someone's mommy and daddy. I'm curious as to why your parents can't live on their own - the government would give them a pension and pay their rent, and you could still help them out by giving them extra cash and taking them grocery shopping or whatever. You don't have to live with them to take care of them. It seems kind of selfish of them to impose on you in a way which will prevent you from finding a wife - I know you want them to live with you, but decent parents would refuse if they knew it was detrimental to their son's ability to marry. You seem like a religious kind of guy - doesn't the Bible say that a man should leave his parents and be joined to his wife? You haven't left your parents, so you can't expect to be joined to a wife.
Emilia Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 I think in this day and age people choose to live with their parents rather than have the necessity to. To me that's a sign of dependence on the apron strings, regardless whether they live in your house or the other way round. I would not consider a man who puts his parents before anything else marriage material.
musemaj11 Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 (edited) You would be unattractive for Americanized women especially Caucasian American women. But your chance would be much higher among Asian or Hispanic cultured women. Obviously this is a cultural issue. Remember when Oprah asked that Indian celebrity couple about how does it work out with living with their parents? They simply answered, "How does it work out with you not living with your parents?" For me my mother is everything and she comes before anyone. Her sacrifices were what made me the way I am today. Im not going to throw her aside over some woman who just showed up in my life. Edited April 19, 2011 by musemaj11
BiscuitXOXO Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 I wouldn't mind, as long as they are nice. The house better be pretty big though. On the plus side, if we get married w/kids, his parents can be free babysitters! That's what my parents did to me as a kid. I just got handed off to Grandma when they went to work. Oh and I'm asian but heavily Americanized. .... .
skydiveaddict Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 (edited) Would you marry a man who was committed to taking care of his parents in their old age? Dude you are an absolute hero for taking care of your parents. It's really a sad commentary on the selfishness and vanity of the typical "modern" woman who would consider this a deal-breaker, (as in some of the above posts). They would prefer you would shut your parents up in a nursing home, out of sight, out of mind. In most cultures, the idea of abandoning your elderly parents is unspeakable. Our old folks still want and deserve dignity, respect, compassion and above all, to know that their family loves them. any woman who wouldn't have you because you choose to take care of your parents isn't worth **** anyway Edited April 19, 2011 by skydiveaddict
musemaj11 Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 (edited) I wouldn't mind, as long as they are nice. The house better be pretty big though. On the plus side, if we get married w/kids, his parents can be free babysitters! That's what my parents did to me as a kid. I just got handed off to Grandma when they went to work. Oh and I'm asian but heavily Americanized. .... . Yup, I can see my mother living with me for the rest of my life. And just like her mom taking care of me when I was a baby, I can see her being the baby sitter also one day when I have a kid. But I can understand though that for many people in this country, their parents just didnt contribute much in their lives in the first place. So they dont feel that they have a debt to return and just send them to the nursing home. Edited April 19, 2011 by musemaj11
Horseradish Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 As a woman looking at the situation, I wouldn't have a problem with a guy taking care of his parents. It's an honorable thing to do. But in terms of long-term living arrangements, I'm running the house, not my mother-in-law. Have you considered creating an adjoining apartment for your parents? Having the parents next door would allow you to be there for them, but would give you and your significant other a measure of privacy.
D-Lish Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 I'd see no problem with getting involved with someone in your situation. It might be hard to reconcile that living situation down the road, but initially I wouldn't see it as an issue if I met someone I was interested in. The religion thing would be a deal breaker though! Shame on you for using socratic trickery on little children:p
zengirl Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 How does this situation look like to women? I would be more than happy to help my girlfriend's family in the same way. Also, my parents are the sweetest most easy going people on the plane. Seriously, they have never hassled any woman I have dated. Would you marry a man who was committed to taking care of his parents in their old age? Seems nice to me. So long as the man was his own man too (i.e. not JUST a Yes Man to his parents all the time, but genuinely expressed his own POV on things) and the parents weren't domineering or anything---basically so long as the family dynamic isn't toxic. I believe in helping out family. I wouldn't take issue with it, though perhaps I'd require a living situation that had a Mother-in-Law Suite or something if anyone's parents were to live with me long-term.
musemaj11 Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 I would understand if the woman's concern is if she would get along with her mother in law. But its another thing if she just didnt want to share the house with her.
SweetDaphne Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 OP I commend you on living with your parents and supporting them in their time of need as I'm sure they supported you in your time of need. However, I must be honest. As others have stated your living situation doesn't sound like it would change with the addition of a girlfriend/wife and for me that would most definitely be a deal breaker. I want a house that's mine and as someone else wrote you can't have that with another woman (especially a son's mom) in the house with you. If there's no other option but sharing a house with your parents - have you thought of selling your existing house and purchasing a duplex? Or what about a house with an in-law section attached to it? At least in these instances you have one house but each have your separate domains. You still get to take care of your parents and be there for them but have your own space to entertain and bring your SO to without mom and dad being there all the time. Seriously think about it as an option, as it might solve your dilemma and offer your parents their own place again.
rocketboy9 Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Forget what women think, do what you think is right. Your parents brought you into this world and if you want to help them, thats your choice. If women cant see that you are doing the right thing, than tell them to bug off. If you were Italian they would be patting you on the back saying "you are a good boy". Nobody and I mean NOBODY would look at you twice nor make comments about it. Italy's culture is over 2000 years old, I think they know a little bit more about this than we do. Forget the rot that constitutes American culture. Do what your heart says is right and ignore the naysayers.
musemaj11 Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Forget what women think, do what you think is right. Your parents brought you into this world and if you want to help them, thats your choice. If women cant see that you are doing the right thing, than tell them to bug off. If you were Italian they would be patting you on the back saying "you are a good boy". Nobody and I mean NOBODY would look at you twice nor make comments about it. Italy's culture is over 2000 years old, I think they know a little bit more about this than we do. Forget the rot that constitutes American culture. Do what your heart says is right and ignore the naysayers. But then Italian parents are great parents just like most parents in traditional cultures. I could understand why my friend for example doesnt really care about his parents because he had been supporting himself since he was young and he left the house right after high school. So he has absolutely little debt to repay.
tigressA Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 I think what you're doing is admirable, and if I were really in love with a guy in your situation I wouldn't have much of a problem with it. If the dynamic was unhealthy in any way though, it would be a dealbreaker for me. They would have to understand and accept the fact that it's not their household, and if they tried to rule the roost I would have no part of it. I would help however I could, but I would not take being bossed around. Speaking of traditional cultures...I'm in a relationship with an Indian man and the whole of his immediate family lives in India. He's also the youngest of 3 (brother and sister), so he isn't obligated to help them out once it gets to that point. I honestly would've thought twice about being involved with him if the circumstances weren't what they are. I already know I'm going to go through some measure of hell if we get married--at least it'll be from thousands of miles away instead of just down the hall.
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