spice4life Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 (edited) I'm finally there...finally ready to let go of all this affair stuff. Can you believe it? I'm mean really....somebody pinch me quick because I can't believe it just happened! I am cutting the cord, finally letting it all go and I'm happy! And you know what ladies and gents? This is what I have learned. When you are ready, you will realize that if someone loves you and they really want to be with you, THEY will make it happen. So, it's OKAY to cut the cord that keeps you bound to the affair and LET IT GO. If they love you, they will free themselves and come find you and ask you out on a proper date. If they don't, no worries because you have your life back. When people say you will know when you are ready, they are sooo right. It will hit you out of nowhere and you will find yourself saying, "I deserve better than this" and you will be able to walk away knowing that if your MM/MW really wants to be with you, then it will happen. If you are not at that point yet that is OKAY. Don't beat yourself up about it (hard I know), just let yourself cry, get angry, VENT, feel sad until you get it all out of your system. And when it's time, you WILL know it and will find the courage to finally walk away with the knowledge that if it is meant to be... it will be. I promise. And then get out there and start LIVING your life because you are worth it! That is what I am going to do...right now! I will check in every now and then to offer insights and support where I can and hopefully one day I will have a HAPPY story to tell. Stay strong and take care of YOU! Edited April 19, 2011 by spice4life
Amour7 Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 Wow, good for you! I can just tell you are so sure about this and in a really strong place. I don't know your story but I am looking forward to hearing more about the journey. I like the reminder that if the MM or MW really loved you the way you deserve to be loved, they would find a way to come back. Try to keep your spirit up and your love for yourself strong, because there may be some dark times, too. Hugs and best wishes I'm finally there...finally ready to let go of all this affair stuff. Can you believe it? I'm mean really....somebody pinch me quick because I can't believe it just happened! I am cutting the cord, finally letting it all go and I'm happy! And you know what ladies and gents? This is what I have learned. When you are ready, you will realize that if someone loves you and they really want to be with you, THEY will make it happen. So, it's OKAY to cut the cord that keeps you bound to the affair and LET IT GO. If they love you, they will free themselves and come find you and ask you out on a proper date. If they don't, no worries because you have your life back. When people say you will know when you are ready, they are sooo right. It will hit you out of nowhere and you will find yourself saying, "I deserve better than this" and you will be able to walk away knowing that if your MM/MW really wants to be with you, then it will happen. If you are not at that point yet that is OKAY. Don't beat yourself up about it (hard I know), just let yourself cry, get angry, VENT, feel sad until you get it all out of your system. And when it's time, you WILL know it and will find the courage to finally walk away with the knowledge that if it is meant to be... it will be. I promise. And then get out there and start LIVING your life because you are worth it! That is what I am going to do...right now! I will check in every now and then to offer insights and support where I can and hopefully one day I will have a HAPPY story to tell. Stay strong and take care of YOU!
Author spice4life Posted April 19, 2011 Author Posted April 19, 2011 Wow, good for you! I can just tell you are so sure about this and in a really strong place. I don't know your story but I am looking forward to hearing more about the journey. I like the reminder that if the MM or MW really loved you the way you deserve to be loved, they would find a way to come back. Try to keep your spirit up and your love for yourself strong, because there may be some dark times, too. Hugs and best wishes Thank you Amour7! it's been a looong journey for me and I have felt every emotion I think I could possibly feel and now it's time to just let it go. I hope you find that peace too...it's there when you are ready and you will definitely know it. Until then, allow yourself to grieve and look for the bigger lesson in it all. There is one in there hiding somewhere.
UntoldStory Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 I keep looking for the "like" button. Good for you, Spice!
Hazyhead Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 I keep looking for the "like" button. Good for you, Spice! I second this Good luck, girl. Go find your true happiness
jeweleestar Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 It made me so happy to read your post. I am in that flip-flop state, but I am leaning onto the if he really wants to be with me he will side of the flip-flop. I think that there are so many times where I do beat myself up because I am not doing things the "right" way. I think one thing I has learned is that there is no right way to do any of this. Best of luck to you and hopefully you have many, many days of good memories awaiting you.
Luckyluss Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 Damn right. If he loved you he would have found a way. Good for you and best of luck. These things take time to get rid of!
Breezy Trousers Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 (((spice4life))) If I drank, I'd be toasting you right now... Cheers!
fooled once Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 I'm finally there...finally ready to let go of all this affair stuff. Can you believe it? I'm mean really....somebody pinch me quick because I can't believe it just happened! I am cutting the cord, finally letting it all go and I'm happy! And you know what ladies and gents? This is what I have learned. When you are ready, you will realize that if someone loves you and they really want to be with you, THEY will make it happen. So, it's OKAY to cut the cord that keeps you bound to the affair and LET IT GO. If they love you, they will free themselves and come find you and ask you out on a proper date. If they don't, no worries because you have your life back. When people say you will know when you are ready, they are sooo right. It will hit you out of nowhere and you will find yourself saying, "I deserve better than this" and you will be able to walk away knowing that if your MM/MW really wants to be with you, then it will happen. If you are not at that point yet that is OKAY. Don't beat yourself up about it (hard I know), just let yourself cry, get angry, VENT, feel sad until you get it all out of your system. And when it's time, you WILL know it and will find the courage to finally walk away with the knowledge that if it is meant to be... it will be. I promise. And then get out there and start LIVING your life because you are worth it! That is what I am going to do...right now! I will check in every now and then to offer insights and support where I can and hopefully one day I will have a HAPPY story to tell. Stay strong and take care of YOU! Ding Ding Ding Exactly. I have been saying the same thing; yet some think it is crap and it is more 'complicated' than that. Baloney. It is really pretty simple. I am so glad you are letting go and moving forward!! WOO HOO!!! :bunny::bunny:
JadedAmore Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 Wonderful, wonderful post! I too, am on the journey to freedom! It's a great feeling, and I'm happy that those waves of grief are becoming less and less frequent. Actually, I'm not even sure when the last one was.... Anyway, congrats on moving forward! =)
SunsetRed Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 wow spice4life, I'm exactly where you are!! It hit me from out of no where around the beginning of April that I was OVER him. It was clearly a light bulb moment. I waited until now, a few weeks later to post on here because I wanted to make sure it was real. Yup, its real..I have my life back and I'm over him and don't even want him anymore. I wouldnt want him if he did come back and there's no space for him in my life. He's been thrown into the same category as my other exes, he's an ex on the memory shelf of my life. It feel so fabulous to be at this point. I want to go and share the Good News....your MM or xMM is trash and your life is waiting for you..go and enjoy it!
Author spice4life Posted April 23, 2011 Author Posted April 23, 2011 I keep looking for the "like" button. Good for you, Spice! A "like" button...I like that! Thanks. I've been away from the boards as part of my effort to break this emotional cycle I allowed myself to develop. It's one tough habit to break, that is certain! But, alas, I am doing it. I found myself reading reading and READING about affairs and infidelity over and over again and it was making it really difficult for me to extract myself from this relationship...a relationship that wasn't even mine to begin with. You know what I mean? He was married, never made any promises to me and he backed that up with his actions. This affair was no different than any other I have read about and I realized that any thought I had about it being more was nothing but a silly fantasy I made up in my head. It's amazing that when you are in the "thick" of it all how destorted your view of reality actually becomes. It's like...wow...how could I have even thought it was more when his actions clearly showed me the opposite? I think that is what makes these type of relationships such a roller coaster ride. You keep saying to yourself "but but but" when in reality you are being told something completely different through actions. I hope this dynamic doesn't effect me in the future, because honestly, that is my biggest fear now. I hope it doesn't prevent me from trusting and being fully present in a future relationship. I hope I don't fall into a trap of always thinking something is up. The truth is, I allowed myself to be a part of it and I fully accept responsibility for it now. Nobody forced me into it...I ALLOWED it to happen...all by myself. I now find myself asking how could I allow myself to be inserted into a relationship that belonged to someone else? I guess I am starting to feel the guilt of being a part of something that had the potential to cause A LOT of hurt to many people? Oy...once the rose colored glasses come off, that is a tough reality to face, but you must if you don't want end up like this again. Sorry to go off into a tangent here. Just some thoughts that have been on my mind as I journey out of this whole affair world. A world I will never be visiting again! Someone once said here, "I would rather stick a red hot poker in my eye than go through that again!" LOL! That is how I am feeling right about now. Thank you to everyone for the well wishes. I promise my next story is going to be a happy one...I will NOT settle for anything less!
Author spice4life Posted April 23, 2011 Author Posted April 23, 2011 It made me so happy to read your post. I am in that flip-flop state, but I am leaning onto the if he really wants to be with me he will side of the flip-flop. I think that there are so many times where I do beat myself up because I am not doing things the "right" way. I think one thing I has learned is that there is no right way to do any of this. Best of luck to you and hopefully you have many, many days of good memories awaiting you. Hi jeweleestar. You are right, there IS no right way to do any of this once you find yourself wrapped up in it. But once reality hits and you begin to see it for what it is... a screwed up relationship that has no chance of being normal until the attached party is free...that is when you will find youself saying, "IF he truly loves me, he will find me if he becomes free." That is the only right way to handle it when you decide you deserve a FULL life with someone...not a half life. It's no way to live if it is not a life you want for yourself. I stayed involved because my self esteem was low and didn't have the courage to stand up for myself and say, "I deserve more than this and I don't want to accept nor do I have to accept these terms." That is no longer the case for me...thankfully. And you know what?...since you are beginning to ask yourself these questions, it won't be the case for you either very soon. You may have some slip ups before you finally realize it, but that's okay, because it seems to be all part of the process once you begin to see you want more for yourself. It's just a tough emotional cycle to break once you are in an affair. There is a lot of too'ing and fro'ing before it is all said and done one way or the other. Stay strong and keep moving toward thinking you want more and DESERVE more and you will get there. Good luck and best wishes!
so-wrong Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 Ding Ding Ding Exactly. I have been saying the same thing; yet some think it is crap and it is more 'complicated' than that. Baloney. It is really pretty simple. I am so glad you are letting go and moving forward!! WOO HOO!!! :bunny::bunny: This whole thread is wonderful & I can't wait to be feeling like some of you guys. However my immediate response was anger in respect to fooled once's comments re the MM coming to you if he loved you. I won't even offer up the excuses I have for him, because deep down I know that it is because I am still in denial. And that makes me feel sad.
Author spice4life Posted April 23, 2011 Author Posted April 23, 2011 This whole thread is wonderful & I can't wait to be feeling like some of you guys. However my immediate response was anger in respect to fooled once's comments re the MM coming to you if he loved you. I won't even offer up the excuses I have for him, because deep down I know that it is because I am still in denial. And that makes me feel sad. No worries, one day the denial will lift and you will start to take a look at what has been going on and then it will sink in. It's no way to live...it is sheer torture being in love with someone who is emotionally committed to someone else. It feels like you are stuck in a constant state of pergatory (sp?). Who wants to live like that...right? I look at it this way, walking away and staying away unless he is free, is the only way to lift yourself out of the denial. It is necessary because it breaks you out of the cycle the affair put you in in the first place. No more being chained to your phone in case he calls or texts, no more feeling sad and going crazy when he doesn't communicate, no more wondering if you said or did something wrong...no more nothing, period. You are free to being you! And, to be honest, when someone has another option besides you, that is how you get treated. It becomes easy for them to say, "I don't have to put up with this, I already have a life with someone else" and/or they can constantly compare you to their BS and pick out all of your negative traits. Why? Because they have saftey net...a safe harbor to go back to when things with you become too emotional. It becomes easy for them to keep you at arms length and keep their emotional wall up because they have another choice. You have to decide for yourself whether or not you only want to be someone's option when their other option gets tough. Until you extricate yourself, that is all you will be. I actually feel a lot stronger now because I don't have any attachments...it means I have a choice in how I want to live my life. It feels great and it is the first time I have felt this way in years! So anyway, so-wrong, keep looking out for yourself and what you want and you will get there too. That's a given.
dreamingoftigers Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 Never lose your hard-won forward momentum!:bunny:
Author spice4life Posted April 23, 2011 Author Posted April 23, 2011 Ding Ding Ding Exactly. I have been saying the same thing; yet some think it is crap and it is more 'complicated' than that. Baloney. It is really pretty simple. I am so glad you are letting go and moving forward!! WOO HOO!!! :bunny::bunny: Thanks fooled-once. You ARE 100% right..."it is really pretty simple." It is so simple that we question whether or not it is...until we finally "see" it!
Author spice4life Posted April 23, 2011 Author Posted April 23, 2011 Never lose your hard-won forward momentum!:bunny: Thank you. It was a "hard-win"! It was that teeny tiny little attachment detail that made it impossible for anything to be really real. It has to be recognized and gone before any battle can truly be fought. It was a battle wrought with life long lessons though...ones I will keep.
fooled once Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 Thank you. It was a "hard-win"! It was that teeny tiny little attachment detail that made it impossible for anything to be really real. It has to be recognized and gone before any battle can truly be fought. It was a battle wrought with life long lessons though...ones I will keep. I really like this post of yours. I am glad you are truly moving forward! I wish you so much success and happiness!!
phman52 Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 I've been separated for nearly 6 months after 27 years of marriage. It has been the most painful experience ever and I'm still struggling. I've read so much on the internet but the simplicity of this helps a lot. If she truly loved me and wanted to come back, she would have found a way. I know I deserve better, I never did anything wrong but letting go is so difficult.
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