I've hit a plateau in overcoming my obsessions...any wise words of comfort?

[pav186]

no problem thinkalot, thats what we're all here for .

 

When I first read that site it comforted me in knowing that there are other people out there like me and that it's common enough for doctors and scientists to have actually studied. It sounds dumb but there would be some times where I thought I was just becoming a nutcase and that I was literally losing my mind because the thoughts were so irrational.

 

thanks for explaining that detachment technique. Actually, I recall reading about something like that in book once. I think it was called Brain Lock. Anyways, one analogy he gave (very roughly paraphrased) was that an OCD thought is like a big strong dumb animal. You will lose if you fight back but can win if you use your mind to defeat it.

 

it went something like that, i think you get the point ... hehe

 

OCD's main weakness is that it loses its power over you if you just dont care about it. When you try to get rid of it, through ruminations etc., you're just reinforcing the thoughts in your mind. The way I think about (sorry but I love my analogies) is its like when you were a kid and another kid was teasing you. If you fought back it just made them tease you more, but if you just ignored them they stopped teasing you cause it wasn't fun for them anymore. I know its not quite that easy, but for me, i think just trivializing everything has helped.

[Thinkalot]

Originally posted by pav186

 

When I first read that site it comforted me in knowing that there are other people out there like me and that it's common enough for doctors and scientists to have actually studied. It sounds dumb but there would be some times where I thought I was just becoming a nutcase and that I was literally losing my mind because the thoughts were so irrational.

 

Yes, I know...me too! And when the people you love also tell you so in their moments of frustration, it doesn't help.

 

I too was relieved for the same reason when I read that study.

 

My big dumb animal is sleeping right now by the way...and I've already decided not to play with it when it wakes back up.

[gaia]

Originally posted by Thinkalot

 

Like pav, I indentify with the Pure-O category strongly. "The Purely Obsessional Thinker".

 

Add me to that list!!!

 

Maybe that's why we're all on here. The compulsives are all out there busy with their rituals.

[pav186]

so gaia and thinkalot... what do you think is the underlying reason why we feel this way? is it jealousy and insecurity?

 

the reason i ask is because i dont quite understand why this issue affects me but none of my friends. especially because she lost her virginity in a "date rape" you'd think that id be supportive (and i am insofar as i dont blame her for it) but when i found that out it didnt really change anything. i dont want to upset the women on this board since i know it was out of her control etc., but still the questions i keep getting is why she didnt even attempt to fight back etc. The past thing has bothered me in other relationships as well..

 

One thing I do notice is that in a lot of areas in my life. I tend not to move forward because something is not perfect. I am also very indecisive for smallest decisions. Before I order something at a restaurant I think about it and have to ask the waiter to come back like 2 or 3 times. If i'm picking something out at the store I will think if I should buy it for a lot longer than other people do, other people make decisions and go on it, I always second guess myself. Could it be the same thing with this? Just when I start getting deep into the relationship I look for something that's not perfect and sort of subconsciouly sabotage it? She tells me all the time that she really considers me her first and if I saw things from her point of view I am her first because she feels that virginity is something that is given and not taken and that only her physical virginity was taken. And also there was no emotion behind what happened she just let it happen to get it all over with. But when I asked her she said he wasnt forceful but more persistent which makes me wonder, is persistence rape? She said she tried rolling over and whatnot but he was persistent. I know I was the first person she emotionally gave it to. I dont know, sometimes thinking that makes me better and sometimes it doesnt do anything, since i know that I really wasnt ...

 

 

Another thing is that my obsessions seem to be just as much about him as her. Like if I see the name of the state it happened in I get very anxious, or if i see the guys name I get anxious and depressed etc. Is the obsession her virginity or is it the individual thoughts that I get stuck on. i.e. why didnt she fight back? I know im making progress but this whole thing makes me wonder why I put so much thought into a girls virginity...

 

One more thing, sometimes I feel like i'm not the one messed up and society is because there is so much causal sex and its not really an expression of love anymore. Do you guys go between realizing the thoughts are irrational and then feeling like they are justified?

 

thx, i know i ask a lot of questions but im basically going through this myself so im trying to get some insight from someone who has gone through therapy. I think I should take to someone eventually but the cheapest option in my area is $50/wk and I cant afford $200/month on therapy + meds.

[Thinkalot]

pav, I posted something asking what makes someone obsessive. You could look up the link to that, because I got some good answers. Basically, a mix of genetics, personality, upbringing, environment, brain chemistry all blended in.

 

I tend to look for perfection too..that's pretty common with OCD I think.

 

Sometimes I used to think my thoughts were justified, but not so much anymore now that I've calmed down a lot.

 

It's OK to have your opinion on sexual morality, but accept not all will share it, and that's fine too. It's hard to do that sometimes.

 

And yes, fear, insecurity, a desire for control and safety all drive our need to question about past relationships I believe.

 

You are stuck on your gf's sexual past right now. I've been there. Sometimes still go there. You will get nowhere though. Accept it. Accept you feel uncomfortable about it. But your challenge, and mine, is simply letting things be, and accepting them. You can't change it. No point obsessing. But then, rational arguments don't really help do they?

[gaia]

No point obsessing.

 

LOL

 

I might just try that phrase on my "card", Thinkalot. Says it all!!!!!

[pav186]

Originally posted by Thinkalot

 

 

Accept it. Accept you feel uncomfortable about it. But your challenge, and mine, is simply letting things be, and accepting them. You can't change it. No point obsessing. But then, rational arguments don't really help do they?

 

you know thinkalot, you have many gems...

 

i think this whole time ive been obsessing over it in a vain attempt to force myself to become comfortable with her past, but i never thought of just accepting the fact that i can be uncomfortable with it and thats okay. i was searching for that perfect answer that would let me accept it and get on with my life but like i said earlier, that answer doesnt exist. So I just have to accept the fact that there is something about her past that im not comfortable with.

 

i guess in the end no one really likes the fact that their partner was sleeping with other people but the only difference is the extent to which people let it affect them. It's not like by accepting it I condone or am happy with what happened. And even though I would like nothing more than to bash in the guys face , its over, it happened theres nothing i can do about it....

 

it certainly has something to do with the lack of control i have over the situation...

 

thanks, i don't know where id be without the help ive gotten on this site

[Thinkalot]

You've got it Pav. I dont like the fact my partner had sex with his ex wife when he was 16 and she was 15. I waited till I was 21. But that's just what happened. I don't have to like it. I just accept it.

 

In the reverse, he doesn't like the fact I had a fling with a friend a few years back. He think's that wasn't very ethical. I wouldn't do it again either. But he accepts it's happened. He doesn't like it, but nothing can change it now.

 

We both just try and push each other's past behind us and look forward. He has obviously done that with more ease than me LOL! But I'm getting there now.

 

Keep going forward Pav.