I've hit a plateau in overcoming my obsessions...any wise words of comfort?

[Thinkalot]

I really don't know whether or not I should be posting this here, or in the personal rants section! But since I do want any more available advice on helping improve myself, I've decided to put it here.

 

To sum things up. At the end of last year, before I seriously sought help and went on meds for my OCD, I was an unhappy person. I constantly felt anxious and had these thoughts rattling around in my head. I did not sleep well at night. I woke up feeling anxious (through obsessing over my bf's past usually...my current obsessive issue) and sick in the stomach. I CONSTANTLY questioned my partner. I nearly drove him insane, and he nearly left. I thought about the same old stuff (his ex-wife, past sex life, past life full stop) at work too. There was really no escape.

 

Now...I sleep better. I am happy at work. I am happy when I am busy doing activities I like (gym, dancing, meditation, surfing etc). I'm also happy when I am home alone, and happy when I am busy doing things with my dear bf, who has stuck by me through so much.

 

BUT when we are together alone, and just hanging out, I am often fighting off the thoughts, or the need to question about trivial things (not just the ex at all). It's a habit/an obsession obviously. So I either fail to shut my mouth and my poor bf gets more questioning, or else I DO shut my mouth, but have no inner peace (well, I do eventually, but it's hard work to get there, and to follow all the methods I have learnt). I love him so much. I love hanging with him, but my brain gets in the way sometimes. I wish I didn't have to work so hard at this still. I suppose I thought it might go away completely more quickly than it has.

 

It's like I've hit this plateau. He told me last night I am way better than I was, but that I have been at this current level for a while now, with no more visible improvements. Obviously, he would like me to be TOTALLY ok. Or to at least keep my mouth closed when the thoughts hit (it already feels like I do, but obviously not all the time).

 

Where to from here? I am perhaps expecting too much. gaia who has the same issue as me, but is further down the healing line has told me it take a long time to get there.

But how do you deal with it in the meantime, when it's already been in your life for a long time. How does my love handle it? He obviously is at a point now, where ANY obsessive questioning drives him crazy. But without removing myself from his side, or simply suffering these thoughts on the inside and going through the slow process of overcoming them, I'm not sure what to do next. I do want them to GO AWAY FOR GOOD. I suppose, there probably is little else I can do, than what I am doing.

 

Maybe I just wanted to get this frustration out. I've been on a good roll lately, but I had a bit of a flip out last night, which upset both of us, and that's what brought these feelings up.

 

Thanks friends.

[moimeme]

Stress is a witch. When you're stressed, you have little tolerance. I think things would be easier if he wasn't working so hard. I don't know how practical this might be, but have you a spot in your house that you can designate your 'worry spot'? It would be a place where you'd take your worries and deal with them. More importantly, you could 'banish' yourself there when the worries hit and listen to music or meditation tapes or whatever else you can do to self-soothe and to not escalate anything with the bf.

 

You know how a thermometer works, right? It is slow to get to a temperature and slow to drop. Well, the frustration the bf has is like the mercury in the thermometer. It's beginning to drop, but it's not all the way down so if you add a bit of heat, it rises again. Somehow, he needs enough time to let it drop completely. Unfortunately, he needs this when you're right at the beginning of your healing.

 

Another solution might be to drop some of those expensive plans so that he might not have to work so much. You will be fine, and I'm sure Meanon will chime in shortly to say the same, but you sort of need some short-term interventions.

[Thinkalot]

Thanks. We are looking at all our plans and trying to decide what is best for us. We always want to do EVERYTHING! So we save and save and save, but it does get stressful, u are right. And we have actually been saving hard for quite some time, getting ready for the big Around-Australia voyage, and of course the wedding hopes we have both discussed more than once. We are planning to sit down on the weekend, and decide where we can cut costs, or what plans we need to drop...be it plans for a lavish honeymoon (yes, we have to get engaged first..lol!), or plans for a trip beforehand or whatever. Owing to our lack of kids and good jobs, and excellent saving mentality, we can do it all debt free, but not stress free!

 

Mmm..a worry room. Good thought. I just rearranged our room to add some more cyrstals and nice stuff to create a good meditation atmosphere. Perhaps I should make sure I retreat there more often.

[Thinkalot]

Just wanted to add that, even if we cut back holiday plans, my guy will still work super hard for our final year of employment before the BIG TRIP, because he wants us to have as much invested for the future as possible. So any extra will be saved. Having that security matters a lot to him, and I am thankful he is so sensible with money. Even though I do wish it did not stress him as much.

[meanon]

Yes you are doing well, Thinkalot. You have come far in a short space of time.

 

It does take a while and that must be so frustrating, especially for perfectionists . Take heart from the fact that, from what I've seen, progress does come in fits and starts - if you are on a plateau now then an improvement is just around the corner!

 

If it doesn't arrive you may need to review the type of meds, several work for this problem.

 

Meanwhile just do what you can to reduce the general level of stress. You and bunny boy have great plans but the day to day should be fun too (I know it is ). Of course you can't elminate stress completely, nor is wise to try but be aware that they are linked.

 

I'll tell gaia you posted, she will want to join in! .

[Thinkalot]

Thank you my friend. Time to head home. Catch you soon.

[yes]

i think that a part of this isn't wanting to be completely 'well', but just that you've gotten used to improving, and now that you've stopped changing, you say "hmm! why did we stop??". just a thought. you'll have to stop SOMEWHERE eventually, right? gotta be ready for that.

 

good luck,

-yes

[gaia]

Hi Thinkalot - love your new avatar!

 

Given that your primary obsession is about bunnyboy's ex, it stands to reason that things are going to get worse when weddings are on your mind. So you could look at it this way : you would expect to get worse, so standing still is an improvement. Just a thought.

 

OCD often improves more slowly than depression, even tho the meds are the same. So it's likely you'll carry on getting better. Don't stress too much about it or you'll end up holding yourself back. Perfectionists are good at beating themselves up when things go badly but less good at being kind to themselves about what they've achieved. You have come so far - be proud of yourself.

 

Moi's suggestion about a "worry room" is good and is one my therapist suggested too. He told me to make it really cold and uncomfortable, so I wouldn't want to stay there very long.

 

You and bunnyboy are both in that fragile stage of early recovery when neither of you quite trust it yet. In time, the habit will be broken, you'll both be more relaxed and the thoughts will fade. You may well obsess about other things in the future, but you'll recognise them for what they are and know you can beat them.

 

Keep the faith, girl

[Thinkalot]

Thanks again.

 

I think bunnyboy's stress is adding to things at the moment. He is so concerned with having enough put away for out future, and while he is very excited about taking a year off work, it's a new way of living for him (not for me...!), and he is trying to have plenty of financial security at the same time.

 

Therefore, even if we reduce some of our expenses before the BIG TRIP, he will still work as hard as he can during this final year of employment, to have the most money possible invested for our future...home deposit, or whatever it may be when we get back. Therefore, he is constantly pushing himself, and telling himself, I have these goals, it's just a year, then we go...and so on. But he gets tired and stressed out. He's even thinking of taking up karate or something, as a stress reliever, which I think is a great idea. Because I have activities that I do, and plus my work hours/stress are much less than his.

 

I think we both thought that after a 'few months' I'd be on the meds, and just 'get better'. I know that bunnyboy expected it to be that way from things he's said. Maybe changing those expectations will certainly help us both.

[pav186]

unfortunately, since i have not started treatment yet (i do not have the money to do so ) you i dont have much to offer in the way of advice but the fact that youve come a long way certainly means something. I've heard that people with OCD get better to varying degrees with some people having the symptoms of their obsession permanently. Since I have OCD as well, i know how frustrating everything is but it may help to look at how far you have come in relation to the path that lies ahead.

 

 

actually i have a quick question to ask you or anyone else with OCD about your partners past... sometimes when my thoughts start going crazy my feelings/emotions towards my girlfriend change dramatically. It's kind of a mixture of anger/depression/frustration to the point where, if she's next to me or near me, i do not want to be touching her or be warm towards her. I sort of shut off and part of me wants her to just go away but i know that if she did i would be even worse. does this happen to you at all? The other thing is in general i don't feel the way I used to about her and I don't know if it has to do with the OCD or if my feelings for her have changed. I dont think they have but im really confused. I might call a local center tomorrow that works with people who dont have much money or insurance, my other diagnostic isnt until april 30th but id like to talk with someone sooner. sorry i prob shouldve made a new thread for this...

[Thinkalot]

Hey there pav.

 

I don't shut down my feelings really. But in the past my partner had a flip out about MY sexual past, and he said he could hardly stand being near me during that time (he got over it with counselling...but he does not have OCD).

 

But I can say this- sometimes it seems like such hard work, that I think I would have more peace if I was alone. But I know that is not the answer. Because I love my partner so much and our life makes me happy. Plus if I was alone, my brain would find something else to obsess over anyway!! Before I met my partner for example, I had an eating disorder, and compulsively counted calories and exercised.

 

I think that kind of frustration is just a part of the condition. I think it is quite normal.

 

Also, I'd say your feelings for your gf my well be clouded by your OCD. We get so bogged down in our own thought space. It stops you living as fully.

I've sometimes felt quite distant from my partner as a result too. Also, sometimes distance makes it easier to cope from time to time, and you actually need a bit of distance to get better.

 

I hope this helps you a little.

Thanks for your support too.

[carla]

I think that overcoming your obession (I could be wrong)would be like over coming most other obessions. Eating, smoking, drinking, drugs. You need to use your will power. I will not eat those potatoe chips b/c I don't want to get fat, I want to lose weight.

 

I will not ask bunnyboy about the ex, b/c it upsets him and I love him and want to marry him. I will not ask bunnyboy about the ex b/c I want to get over this obession. Willpower can be a hard thing to control, it's mind over matter. Tell yourself that your mind is stronger then his ex. Once you can control your mind/will power his ex will be defeated.

 

I don't know if this makes sense to you or not, maybe it sounds like I'm just rambling. I'm very tired and must go to bed. I'll check in tomorrow.

[moimeme]

Carla, it's not just mind over matter. The problem with OCD is that it 'controls' people. Thinkalot is on meds which help release the grip of OCD. It is unfortunate, but a lot of people still think that all mental ailments are easily curable if their sufferers just 'think right'. It's not that easy, and leaves the sufferers feeling blamed.

[Thinkalot]

I agree, a positive determined outlook is certainly helpful. I really do try to maintain that outlook. But as moimeme once said to me, controlling my brain is sometimes like trying to control an unruly pet, that will NOT DO WHAT IT IS TOLD!

 

LOL!

 

I'll catch you all in a couple of days.

[pav186]

I agree, for a while i thought of it as some sort of mental weakness that i had and that if i really wanted to get better i would. unfortunately, its not that easy. in fact that analogy with an unruly housepet is dead on. a lot of times it feels like im having a debate with myself. the rational part says that i should worry about the things that i do but the ocd part does anyway. like thinkalot said, being positive does help but only so much....

[gaia]

I know just how you feel. How hard is it to explain to someone that you know there's nothing to worry about but you're worrying anyway? Thank goodness there are a few of us that really understand

[pav186]

heres a good link that describes kinda what its like:

 

http://www.ocdonline.com/articlephillipson1.htm

 

 

"For the "Pure-O" a tremendous amount of anxiety accompanies the spike, and the mental ritual is an attempt to shut off the anxiety, either by attempting to solve the question or avoid having the thought recur. It is during the rumination phase that the person's mind becomes extremely preoccupied and distracted. Spending eight hours a day with one's thoughts wrapped up with this endless mental escape is not unusual. The emotional pull to undue the thought is tremendous. Perhaps it would be comparable to what it would be like if a loved one were on a plane that crashed and all you knew was that there was a fifty percent survival rate. Imagine what it would be like if you were asked not to problem solve in an attempt to ascertain the condition of your loved one. A common misnomer among "Pure-O" sufferers is that they can mentally find the key to turn off the obsessing. It seems that with each new spike, if they could only get that perfect answer, the whole disorder would just vanish. A large majority are aware that this is an impossible task, but the temptation to unlock their mental chains is tremendous with each ensuing spike."

 

 

 

the line "It seems that with each new spike, if they could only get that perfect answer, the whole disorder would just vanish" is the most frustrating part. It feels like if i think about it long enough ill get the answer i need and ill go on with my life. unfortunately the answer that im looking for is impossible since i cannot become superman and turn back time, it definitely feels like there is a "perfect" answer that im searching for.

[gaia]

That's exactly it. The key is in realizing that the rumination itself is what keeps the problem going. Stopping the search for that elusive perfect answer worked very well for me, although it was unbelievably hard to do it.

[Thinkalot]

Oh pav...thanks for that post. That is EXACTLY how it feels! It's so hard to explain it to others, even to my family (except my dad who has also suffered OCD) and to my bf.

 

gaia..I am trying SO hard to stop the ruminating. The 'detachment' technique is just starting to work for me some of the time. I tell myself that in an hour , or even a day, I will not need to answer to the question. And if I can just be patient and calm and keep doing other things, it will pass. That it is simply the condition I have, and does not require urgent attention. It is a wonderful thing when this technique works! It's like not fighting it, but not acting on it either.

 

Sometimes it works. Sometimes not, and I end up asking the current pressing question anyway, because I feel like my head will explode if I don't. That usual creates tension, and is not the best approach. But sometimes my bf rolls with it, if I keep it to just one question and not a whole barrage, so he does try.

 

Fortunately, the thoughts, as I have said, are coming in much less often. Thank goodness! I really thought I was going crazy before I started my recent therapy and the meds. Sometimes now, if I have a bad day, I feel like I could smash my head against a wall, just to stop the thoughts!

 

It's just annoying that they come in at all I guess. Sometimes I feel I've had enough of dealing with this condition...I would like to banish it with a simple click of the fingers! poof! There it goes.

 

I had a lot of one on one time with my partner the past couple of days, and we felt close and happy , and I successfully used the 'detachment' thing about 80% of the time, when stuff came in. Stuff came in probably a third of the time....yay! The rest of the time I just had fun and lived like a free person..., went surfing (great waves lately) with my guy, ate chocolate, hung with my family etc., read books, slept, made love

 

 

gaia, I'm going to talk to my doc soon about my meds. I may even consider trying some others which may have less sexual side effects. Would you mind PMing me and telling me what you take again? Thanks.

 

And Happy Easter!

[moimeme]

Congratulations on more successes They already outnumber the failures by an impressive degree You are doing great, Thinkalot!

[meanon]

Well Done Thinkalot !!!!!

[Thinkalot]

Thanks. Hopefully Bunnyboy would support my description of the situation too!

[pav186]

well that little bad streak appears to have ended and it didnt get so bad where i couldnt fall asleep at night or anything. It would just hit me and then id get anxious and depressed for anywhere between 5 mins and 4 hours which is much better than the 10+ hrs I was spending on it.

 

but could someone explain to me this detachment technique that you are talking about, i dont see it in any of the preceeding posts. thx

[Thinkalot]

Hi pav..glad your bad streak has eased off. They are so hard when they hit..but like you said, you are doing so much better, same as me.

 

The detachment thing was explained to me by gaia, and involves basically letting the thoughts come in, not fighting them, but not indulging them either.

 

That compares to, having the thoughts come in...fighting them off....rationalising them, writing down things in a worry book or whatever...saying positive things and so on.

 

Instead of doing that, you just step back from yourself a bit, look at what's happening, and say "OK...this is part of my condition...but it will pass in time...right now I want to know the answers...but by tomorrow I probably won't need to...I'll just keep getting on with my normal life, and acknowledge these thoughts, and soon they will fade"...

 

It can help reduce the power, and also save some energy and constant rehashing.

[Thinkalot]

Originally posted by pav186

heres a good link that describes kinda what its like:

 

http://www.ocdonline.com/articlephillipson1.htm

 

I have just read this and cannot recommend it highly enough for anyone with this type of condition, or using it to explain your condition to someone else.

 

Like pav, I indentify with the Pure-O category strongly. "The Purely Obsessional Thinker".

 

Thanks Pav.