broke_n Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 For the first time since i can ever remember i am in love!!! or what i hope to be love , this man has been my best friend for 3 long years always by my side always has my back , loves my two children and treats all 3 of us wonderfully. BUT , the father of my children I'm having a horrible time letting go of what he did to me, 6 years of my life and two kids later I don't know how to let it go. I have moved changed my number and been in a new relationship for the last 4 months. All i want is to be happy with this new life that I've started for myself and my kids, but it's hard when i always compare the new to the old. My new boyfriend notices it all the time and he tells me im broken and he can't fix me that i have to deal with it myself for it to be real...so my question is how do i get over it???
Kelemort Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 How long have you been away from your ex? You don't say if you broke UP 6 years ago, or simply if it lasted for a total of 6 years. That's a significant chunk of time. It could take a year or two or more to recover from something like that. I'd suggest therapy - and I'd also suggest dumping your current beau. Do you think your current beau is worse than your old? Or are you just saying, "Wow, Dan was such crap, Joe really is awesome in x way." I think it's normal, especially in a new relationship where you are getting to know each other, to compare with your most recent experience. But really, it's not fair to subject your new boyfriend to your pining over the past and how badly one man hurt you. That's really the best advice I've got to get over it. And realize with time it will likely get better.
Scottdmw Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 Letting go of past hurt is really difficult. I'm four years into it myself, and I still struggle sometimes. I think the best thing you can do is try to keep focused on what you can do every day to make your life better, and the lives of those around you better. Think about specific things you can do, rather than ruminating about what happened in the past. If you find yourself starting to think about it, to yourself that it doesn't matter, that you can't do anything about it, or things like that, and refocus on what you can do. Basically, try to stop thinking about it. It has been long enough for you, there is nothing more you can learn by thinking about it more. I know from experience that is easy to get lured into thinking about the past, but it's basically a self-destructive activity. Best wishes Scott
angelina448 Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 I had to let go of someone I thought I'd be with forever .... and who then hurt me in such a way, that it took me a long time to deal with what happened ... There is no magic formula for getting over past intimate relationship that had such an impact on you. I will offer this: I sought a psychotherapist to speak with and release a lot of inner pain. Psychotherapy really helped me in the sense that I found a separate place where I could actually deal with the pain without guilt or shame of still harboring such feelings. I cried in there, and I got angry in there. Of course, a good pyschotherapist is required. It takes a little research, and trial and error, but psycho therapy not only helped me deal with that heavy weight of the past on my shoulders and in my heart, but I also was able to quit drinking within those sessions. If its something you don't want/can't afford, then you're complete honesty with your current love is very important at this time. Focus on your children and the bright joys that they are, and remember that it wasn't all a mistake - you have them, and think about some new things you could all do together - or a different place you could go to vacation. Be good to yourself. It's time to be your own parent and guide yourself into focusing on healing. Buy yourself some flowers. Take that bath. Read something uplifting. Whatever you do, don't beat yourself up. You had an intense past with this person. Allow yourself time and love. Sincerely, Angelina
angelina448 Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 Might I add that your complete honesty with your new love is required psychotherapy or no psychotherapy. It was worded strangely in my first post. Perhaps this all goes without saying, but when we feel guilty about feelings for the past, we often downplay it out of fear. Your new man is by no means a psychotherapist or person to constantly vent on, but having a genuine heart to heart and baring the truth is something you may need to do for yourself in the process of moving on.
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