DSM2709 Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 Well hello out there LS World. It's been sometime since I have been out here, but I thought now would be a great time to catch up and seek some advice. In my last post about my next door neighbor, titled, "I'm such an idiot" , well things went very well after I got back from Arkansas back in December. My neighbor and I got hot and heavy (Finally) for a while during the last 3 months. However, we were NOT dating, we were just "FWB's". We would go out to dinner, bars and such and have alot of fun, but with the "Benefits" too...LOL!!! I guess you could say I began to have feelings for her, which is easy for me. She opened up herself to me which I thought was cool, we shared alot about each other in the past few months So now recently she has been kind of distant with me and the other night while we were having dinner, she told me up front that she had sex with her ex-boyfriend within the past 2 weeks, she explained to me she has known him since she was 15 years old and that she still loves him. I was quite surprised. She also stated to me that she wants to still remain good friends with me and that if I got too close (Attached) she would never talk to me again, it's just the way she is...total train wreck, I DON'T GET IT. So as it stands I have not heard from her since this past Friday, and I know she is with her ex, but the question is for how long? Oh and btw, her ex is a heroin addict, nice huh? One of my very good friends says that whatever I would normally do when she does contact me, do the opposite. Don't show any interest and stop being so available. Don't answer her texts right away and be one worded with her. Either (A) she will realize she screwed up and could lose me as a friend or (B), she never cared in the first place anyways and will move on. This girl is beautiful, besides the kidney disease she suffers from, and the alcohol and being a wild child etc etc, I just hate seeing her going in this direction, she is better than that. Should I not care either and just start treating her like crap, is that what does it for her or what? That's just not my style, or should it be? Any other suggestions out there? Thanks for reading,
notuneak Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 I see a couple of red flags. She is having sex with a heroin addict, so that makes it high risk sex. Personally that would be a turn off for me. Also she has kidney disease and drinks? Not very smart. I would move on.
gaius Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 You can't save her from herself. Anything you do will be viewed as trying to separate her from the guy she's into because you want her, which will just cause resentment and she will start pushing you out of her life. Do whatever is best for you. She already spelled out that she only wants you as a part time lover, so if you can handle being replaced for long periods of time then keep up your normal relationship dynamic. If you can't, then save yourself the heartache and just stop answering her all together, move on. I don't think trying to play games to win her back is going to help anything. And yeah, as not says since shes with a heroin addict there is a good chance she will pick something nasty up. I would really suggest cutting ties.
Author DSM2709 Posted April 18, 2011 Author Posted April 18, 2011 Thanks guys, good points of views. It's just amazing to me how she switches from hanging out with a decent guy like myself to her ex, (Ex for a reason right?), She told me, she was going to see if he cleans up his act, yeah good luck with that.
spice4life Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 This one is easy....run!!! And don't look back. Who needs a friend like that?
laRubiaBonita Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 Also she has kidney disease and drinks? Not very smart. I would move on. Amen to That.... Yep-Yep.
Author DSM2709 Posted April 19, 2011 Author Posted April 19, 2011 I know that the "Nice guy" thing to do would be to text her to see how she is, but I am trying so very hard not to contact her first. I haven't since Friday. She is home now, only because she has to work today, so I am interested in seeing if she actually does text me today. My reaction is to ignore her or at least give it a solid hour before answering and then being totally one worded with her and say that I am busy and I will catch up with her later, as if not to care. I wonder what her reaction will be, or will she really care either way? I'm a lost soul guys, sorry if I keep repeating myself. I just can't stand how this has happened to me again, even though I know we were not "Dating". It sucks how the last three months with her was so fun and different to now being put on the back burner again because she wants to give her "Junky" ex another shot and she knows I will always be there if things don't work out. Part of me wants to not care about her as a "bad boy" would, but it's tough to switch and I really do want to switch. Thanks again for listening.
Cee Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 She's in love with a heroin addict and is hoping he'll clean up his act. You are in love with an alcohol abuser and trainwreck and are hoping she'll change and fall for you. I think it's best to walk a different path entirely. You are a good guy and need to look elsewhere or you will miss out on the healthy women out there.
chuckles11 Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Honestly, I would say just do what seems natural. Playing games such as sending one word answers to texts seems pointless, because the amount of attention she pays you is going to be inversely related to how well her relationship is going with the heroin addict ex-boyfriend. When things are going well with him, she's going to be unavailable. When the drama and fights start, she will probably come running back to you, temporarily. It's very unlikely that actions you take will affect her interest level. It will all be dependent on his behavior.
Author DSM2709 Posted April 23, 2011 Author Posted April 23, 2011 Can someone please explain to me as why she would hang out with me for the last three months, dinner, drinks, sex, hanging out etc etc..... and then all of a sudden not hearing from her as often anymore? I saw her the other day and she said to me that she just disappears sometimes. I came home tonight from my bowling league and I could hear that she had company (A guy) as I walked by her apartment, which again is right next to mine. It sounded like she was having dinner with him (And who know what else....sorry, my insecurity just kicked in). I texted her and said I wanted to stop by and say hello but it sounded like she had company, to which she said she did (She didn't elaborate) and asked how I did in bowling. I said I did fine, and that I was sorry for interrupting her but wanted to chat with her about getting our MC permits on Monday. She then replied and said that she will chat with me tomorrow and to have a good night. All I replied was "Nite". I am so pissed right now, that she is with someone else instead of me. It could be nobody, but just the fact that she has totally turned me off and went in a totally different direction all of a sudden. Shouldn't I at least deserve an explanation as to why? I got so use to us hanging out together and such, only to now be put on the back burner....I mean WTF?? Thanks for your inputs.
orangelady Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 I think you need to widen your social network and meet more people.
johan Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 Can someone please explain to me as why she would hang out with me for the last three months, dinner, drinks, sex, hanging out etc etc..... and then all of a sudden not hearing from her as often anymore? I saw her the other day and she said to me that she just disappears sometimes. I came home tonight from my bowling league and I could hear that she had company (A guy) as I walked by her apartment, which again is right next to mine. It sounded like she was having dinner with him (And who know what else....sorry, my insecurity just kicked in). I texted her and said I wanted to stop by and say hello but it sounded like she had company, to which she said she did (She didn't elaborate) and asked how I did in bowling. I said I did fine, and that I was sorry for interrupting her but wanted to chat with her about getting our MC permits on Monday. She then replied and said that she will chat with me tomorrow and to have a good night. All I replied was "Nite". I am so pissed right now, that she is with someone else instead of me. It could be nobody, but just the fact that she has totally turned me off and went in a totally different direction all of a sudden. Shouldn't I at least deserve an explanation as to why? I got so use to us hanging out together and such, only to now be put on the back burner....I mean WTF?? Thanks for your inputs. No. You don't deserve an explanation. You shouldn't expect one. If you cornered her and forced one out of her, you wouldn't be satisfied anyway. It's entirely possible that she couldn't explain if she tried. And the bottom line is going to be the same no matter what: she's not yours. That's what you need to focus on. And from the sound of it, that's really to your advantage. You just have to realize that she prefers to do other things now and that's enough information for you to know what to do next: plan your immediate future and all the future that follows without her. Because she won't be an important part of it. I'm going through the same thing with someone... A total change of demeanor. The right thing to do is to just let it be. Remind yourself of the things that are important to you in your own life and focus on them. Those are the things that will make your future bright. She is only going to bring you pain and doubt. Not worth it.
snug.bunny Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 So in summary, you were having casual sex with someone, for three months who slept with an ex during this time (a heroin addict) who she still loves. Is this really the type of behavior you desire/want from a woman?
Author DSM2709 Posted April 23, 2011 Author Posted April 23, 2011 Johan: you are spot on, however I really liked her and I didn't make it look like I was attaching myself to her, at least I think I didn't. She did tell me from the beginning that were just FWB's, and to not get attached or she would never speak to me again....but now why do I feel so used? Why should I care right? It just irks me is all, how she can be that shallow of a woman? Snug.bunny: to answer your question, no I probably don't want to be with someone like that. I guess it just comes down to this, she was someone who I could hang out and have a fun time with, but would never introduce her to my mom....LOL!!! Thanks guys!!
johan Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 Well, I understand. But you really just need to disengage from her. She has nothing to offer. And it's not surprising that you really liked her. Imagine if she didn't have at least likability going for her. No one would want anything to do with her. You kind of have to figure that the screwed up ones are going to compensate in other areas out of necessity.
seibert253 Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 You originally asked how do you stop a trainwreck? You can't, that's why when you can, you jump off the train. Jump dude, or you'll crash and burn with her.
chuckles11 Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 (edited) Can someone please explain to me as why she would hang out with me for the last three months, dinner, drinks, sex, hanging out etc etc..... and then all of a sudden not hearing from her as often anymore? I saw her the other day and she said to me that she just disappears sometimes. I came home tonight from my bowling league and I could hear that she had company (A guy) as I walked by her apartment, which again is right next to mine. It sounded like she was having dinner with him (And who know what else....sorry, my insecurity just kicked in). I texted her and said I wanted to stop by and say hello but it sounded like she had company, to which she said she did (She didn't elaborate) and asked how I did in bowling. I said I did fine, and that I was sorry for interrupting her but wanted to chat with her about getting our MC permits on Monday. She then replied and said that she will chat with me tomorrow and to have a good night. All I replied was "Nite". I am so pissed right now, that she is with someone else instead of me. It could be nobody, but just the fact that she has totally turned me off and went in a totally different direction all of a sudden. Shouldn't I at least deserve an explanation as to why? I got so use to us hanging out together and such, only to now be put on the back burner....I mean WTF?? Thanks for your inputs. You got put on the back burner because you were a fwb and she found someone else she was more interested in. You claim she didn't give you an explanation, but she already told you that she was only interested in being friends with you when she started seeing her ex-boyfriend again. The explanation is simple, she's not as attracted to you as she is her ex-boyfriend or other guys she would want to be in a relationship in. By the way, it's pretty pathetic to text her to see if you can come over when you know she is with another guy. Edit: btw, to answer your initial question, she probably cut you off because she thought you were too attached or because she realized that her ex-boyfriend wouldn't want her hanging out with someone she used to have sex with. Edited April 23, 2011 by chuckles11
Author DSM2709 Posted April 23, 2011 Author Posted April 23, 2011 Chuckles: Your probably right about the pathetic part. It just sucks is all, and I have to get over it. I guess that texting part was a bit of me being jealous, because we were hanging out together for so long and then all of a sudden it's done with, although she still does want hang out every once and a while. That her saying that not me. I will leave well enough alone and go with it. Thanks.
Author DSM2709 Posted May 2, 2011 Author Posted May 2, 2011 Why does it bother me so much to know she's right next door spending time and giving someone else that attention she once gave me and now she's doing it with another guy when it was me she was doing it with just a month ago? We weren't bf/gf so why does it eat at me so damn much? She told me from the beginning she was that type of person. I can't help myself think about what she's doing right now with this new guy or flavor of the month I guess. All of my friends have told me the same thing, to ignore her and to move the F*** on!! She's not worth it. It just kills me is all and I hate thinking about it, but it's consuming my brain.
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