Suicide is not the answer

[collegeguy_24]

I decided to start this thread because I have noticed a disturbing trend lately, and that is people saying that life isn't worth living, speaking as if suicide is the preferred option when an ex leaves you.

 

I am here to tell people, and hopefully others will agree with me, that suicide is not the answer. To help people out here, let me share a personal experience with you all.

 

My ex dumped in August of last year. We dated for a short while, but I fell hard and fast. She encourged me to fall for her, and in the last two weeks of our relationship, sh told me every single day, that she loves me, she would often bring up how she sees us lasting a nice long time. She even looked me in the eye and said I am the kind of guy she wants to marry someday, and that she would not mind if I was the one she married.

 

Hell, her cousin came up to visit during the summer, and she told me how when the ex was at the family reunion, all she could talk about was me, how much she loved me, how awesome I was, and how she sees us lasting a long time. Her father was coming up to visit for the express purpose of meeting me, her grand parents wanted to meet me, her mother already knows me.

 

Things were great, so obviously being dumped was a surprise.

 

After the break up I was a complete mess, I had a literal mental break down. My psychiatrist even believes that the break up was so bad, it may have even formed a separate personality in my mind, one set to negative emotions.

 

I was such a mess, I tried to kill myself, twice.

 

First time I took an overdose of my parents meds, drank a **** ton of alcohol hoping it would work. I puked them all up so it failed.

 

Second time I tried to cut my wrist, my brother walked in at that moment, punched me in the head, took my knife, and watched me like a hawk for 5 months.

 

As you can see, I was in a very bad place.

 

But as time moved on, I have begun to realize that I was wrong, suicide would not solve anything. Yes it would make the ex feel guilty knowing she was the cause of it, but thats it.

 

Killing yourself is not the answer, never is. I want the people to read this thread and understand that. That just because you were dumped or cheated on or any number of things, suicide is not worth it.

 

I have come to realize that suicide is for wimps, real men try to live their lives, not end them.

 

So to all who read this, remember that killing yourself is not, nor ever will be, the answer. Live your life, go out to movies, play video games, flirt with new people, go to class or job, or even get passed out drunk with your friends while Playing Halo.

 

But do not kill yourself.

[TaraMaiden]

Suicide:

 

"A permanent solution to a temporary problem."

 

It's incredibly brave and unspeakably selfish at one and the same time.

 

It takes courage to do yourself harm to end your life.

 

But it's the nastiest shock you could give to all those people left behind, who are left to deal with the aftermath of knowing it could all have been prevented.

The tragedy is they'll never have the answer to "why??"

They're left devastated, confused, hurt, and grief-stricken.

 

This may never heal for them, because, unlike breaking up with a SO, the life is over, cannot be retrieved, remedied or helped, and the despair felt by those mourning is incomparable to any loss that might have been felt in the break up.

It has no equal, is irreversible, and some people never get over the suicide of those they loved.

 

Good thread.

 

Glad you never succeeded, too.

[healingmovingon]

Thank you for sharing that. Well said too! (got a tear in my eye)...

[collegeguy_24]

Thank you both.

 

I shared this story cause I have been reading on this site lately that a lot of people are or have considered suicide. I started this so thy wouldn't, and so they wouldn't feel alone.

 

Its not the answer, and as TaraMaiden said, the consequences are far reaching, affecting family, friends, etc.

 

I am hoping this may affect people in a positive way.

[Hopeless Girl]

I cant tell u that I know how it feels cause Ive never been in the position of trying to kil myself but there was one period of depression for me where every morning I would go to school and wish my life ended by a car crash or a bullet. I never would take my life though and those thughts of me wanting to die werent because of a guy. Anyways, I hope that for everybody out there who thinks suicide is their only option dont do it. Seek help. My best friend wanted to kill himself once and told me and he tried it and I had another friend to who also did the same thing. I read every book possible of depression and suicide that I think it got to me but these things happens. Life is too short and beautiful. Dont let one person ONE PERSON take that away from u just because u arent worthy for them. You are worthy to a whole lot of other people that love you.

[poorguy]

Suicide:

 

"A permanent solution to a temporary problem."

 

It's incredibly brave and unspeakably selfish at one and the same time.

 

It takes courage to do yourself harm to end your life.

 

But it's the nastiest shock you could give to all those people left behind, who are left to deal with the aftermath of knowing it could all have been prevented.

The tragedy is they'll never have the answer to "why??"

They're left devastated, confused, hurt, and grief-stricken.

 

This may never heal for them, because, unlike breaking up with a SO, the life is over, cannot be retrieved, remedied or helped, and the despair felt by those mourning is incomparable to any loss that might have been felt in the break up.

 

100

It has no equal, is irreversible, and some people never get over the suicide of those they loved.

 

Good thread.

 

Glad you never succeeded, too.

 

1000% agree!!!! If there are loved ones left behind know that you WILL kill a part of them too that day. I love People but have certainly been through my fair share of heartbreak but suicide will hurt the people who love you far worse than you feel now... bottom line is despite how you feel now and today it will get better and the sun WILL show through the clouds in your head

[Karala]

But experiencing never-ending pain and staying alive just for the sake of the people who love you, isn't the answer either, is it? So what is?

[ShatteredDreams]

I went through something very similar to yours, was an extreme emotional wreck and attempted suicide 3 times, and still think about it from time to time but strongly fight the urge. Like you guys said, the loved ones left behind will suffer. After my girlfriend of 2 years and 5 months left me for my close friend, I was devastated. And I still cry everyday and wake up to a random good memory of us that makes me want to kill myself. It's been 4 months and I still feel that way.

 

I tried swallowing lots of tylenol PM, but since I wasn't eating for 2 weeks it wouldn't go down and I threw it back up.

Then in the psyche ward I tried to strangle myself with my own IV after they took me off the baker act.

Then tylenol PM and vodka at home but woke up in a pile of vomit so I guess I threw it all up.

 

Took me a while to realize it's not worth it, but I still have to fight the urge.

[Royal Guy]

But experiencing never-ending pain and staying alive just for the sake of the people who love you, isn't the answer either, is it? So what is?

 

Time heals all wounds (mind you, this isn't just another sentence), just imagine the person for whom you wish to die would passed away...how devastated would you be? Won't you like to follow his legacy and die yourself as well? It would be worst, right now you are affect but you will have people to console you, you family, friends,etc. But if you do anything like that their grief would be 100 times what you are going through right now.

 

Also, if its for teaching someone a lesson, things would only matter to that person for time being, lets an year, two or maybe five but people move on. But you will miss all those beautiful things that the FUTURE holds. Trust me Ghosts don't celebrate Christmas neither do they date or flirt or even have sex. I hope you don't want to be one of them.

[Royal Guy]

I went through something very similar to yours, was an extreme emotional wreck and attempted suicide 3 times, and still think about it from time to time but strongly fight the urge. Like you guys said, the loved ones left behind will suffer. After my girlfriend of 2 years and 5 months left me for my close friend, I was devastated. And I still cry everyday and wake up to a random good memory of us that makes me want to kill myself. It's been 4 months and I still feel that way.

 

I tried swallowing lots of tylenol PM, but since I wasn't eating for 2 weeks it wouldn't go down and I threw it back up.

Then in the psyche ward I tried to strangle myself with my own IV after they took me off the baker act.

Then tylenol PM and vodka at home but woke up in a pile of vomit so I guess I threw it all up.

 

Took me a while to realize it's not worth it, but I still have to fight the urge.

 

That is the best way God can say, hey I have so many sweet candies stored for you in future why do you want you ruin my sweet plans. Give me another chance.

[whatdoido1717]

But experiencing never-ending pain and staying alive just for the sake of the people who love you, isn't the answer either, is it? So what is?

 

Good question.

 

Also, Karala, I randomly clicked on your link for your cover of "Lithium" because I like that song and your cover was great! I just started taking piano lessons and you have now inspired me and have probably giving me my new obsession for the next month or so, haha, I really want to learn that. Anyway, good work, really liked it!

[WiseOne1]

Suicide is never the answer, it is only a temporary relief, sure at that time it would stop the hurt, but it's also permanent.

 

I can't believe I wished I was dead after my first serious breakup years ago, she was not worth it, nothing is worth it! She use to look like a model, boy was she HOT!!! She even looked like a model or one of those beautiful girls you would see on a rock star or rappers music video, just HOT!!

 

Now she has gained 300lbs!!!! And I was gonna kill myself for that crap?????Wow talk about not knowing in death what you have left behind...

 

No i'm not trying to be shallow or saying that anything is wrong with anyone obese, i'm just saying is even you will get over her, she will no something to cause you too, or time heels pain.

 

She was piratically the Cover girl, and now shes begging for boys to call her on here MYSPACE page?????

 

Anyways, just remember that time heels pain. Tough it out.

[Karala]

Time heals all wounds (mind you, this isn't just another sentence), just imagine the person for whom you wish to die would passed away...how devastated would you be? Won't you like to follow his legacy and die yourself as well? It would be worst, right now you are affect but you will have people to console you, you family, friends,etc. But if you do anything like that their grief would be 100 times what you are going through right now.

 

Also, if its for teaching someone a lesson, things would only matter to that person for time being, lets an year, two or maybe five but people move on. But you will miss all those beautiful things that the FUTURE holds. Trust me Ghosts don't celebrate Christmas neither do they date or flirt or even have sex. I hope you don't want to be one of them.

 

I definitely don't wish to die over anyone, I have issues far beyond the scope of this breakup and that the relationship helped to numb out, so they're coming up with a vengeance lately. I'm not killing myself anytime soon and certainly not these days, if anything the breakup is giving me motivation to not do that, I would NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS be willing to give my ex such an ego boost. F*ck him!

 

The thing is, I've been struggling with the same issues - not being able to achieve financial independance, and not being able to maintain a happy stable relationship - for over a decade now, and I find myself not much farther along. Only 10 years older. This makes me sad and even often utterly hopeless, especially when it's 3:47am and I can't sleep. I'm very afraid that I will wake up 10 years from now and still be single and without a job, I will be 40 and it will not be pretty.

[Karala]

Good question.

 

Also, Karala, I randomly clicked on your link for your cover of "Lithium" because I like that song and your cover was great! I just started taking piano lessons and you have now inspired me and have probably giving me my new obsession for the next month or so, haha, I really want to learn that. Anyway, good work, really liked it!

 

Hey, thank you so much! That video I made is special to me because when I recorded it, were the very last hours that I spent still thinking that the relationship with my ex still had hope for rekindling. I spent the afternoon rehearsing the song and recording the video, then my ex picked me up, we had a wonderful evening up to the moment when I told him I wanted to give it another chance and he told me it was out of the question for him.

So I have those very last moments of wishful thinking on tape. Weird. I was feeling so dejected, after all those months of doing the exhausting work of trying to get him back into wanting to be with me, and yet so hopeful.

 

The piano had been my best friend for fifteen years. Hope you also find comfort in it :]

[Royal Guy]

I definitely don't wish to die over anyone, I have issues far beyond the scope of this breakup and that the relationship helped to numb out, so they're coming up with a vengeance lately. I'm not killing myself anytime soon and certainly not these days, if anything the breakup is giving me motivation to not do that, I would NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS be willing to give my ex such an ego boost. F*ck him!

 

The thing is, I've been struggling with the same issues - not being able to achieve financial independance, and not being able to maintain a happy stable relationship - for over a decade now, and I find myself not much farther along. Only 10 years older. This makes me sad and even often utterly hopeless, especially when it's 3:47am and I can't sleep. I'm very afraid that I will wake up 10 years from now and still be single and without a job, I will be 40 and it will not be pretty.

 

Hey, relax there. I got your problem.

 

Check this page out, I will make a main thread as well for this. You are from France right? Have you seen that movie "The Secret" (if not then watch it TODAY itself, its a life changer) and if yes then you surely know what I am talking about. People saw that movie but don't know how to reach there where those people who are documented in it have reached. I went for it and its a real life changer. Its called "The Silva Method" you can google it. Don't go for some cheap ass copy of a recording where they claim learn how to learn silva method at home in 10 minutes. I think you are from France, check this link " http://www.silvamethod.com/instructors/Instructor-Profile.aspx?id=119&country=FRANCE ".

 

I am no promoter or am no way related to it. But I have done it, and implied it in my life and it works. I would highly recommend watching "The Secret", it will inspire you to go for this one.

 

PS. You might think that I made a thread ranting about my own relation when I can achieve anything. Actually I am not following it myself. Its like I have a best degree from the best institute with the best grades and the best job offer but I am not even looking at it. I need to re-attend it.

Edited June 15, 2011 by Royal Guy

[Surf Rider]

I decided to start this thread because I have noticed a disturbing trend lately, and that is people saying that life isn't worth living, speaking as if suicide is the preferred option when an ex leaves you.

 

I am here to tell people, and hopefully others will agree with me, that suicide is not the answer. To help people out here, let me share a personal experience with you all.

 

My ex dumped in August of last year. We dated for a short while, but I fell hard and fast. She encourged me to fall for her, and in the last two weeks of our relationship, sh told me every single day, that she loves me, she would often bring up how she sees us lasting a nice long time. She even looked me in the eye and said I am the kind of guy she wants to marry someday, and that she would not mind if I was the one she married.

 

Hell, her cousin came up to visit during the summer, and she told me how when the ex was at the family reunion, all she could talk about was me, how much she loved me, how awesome I was, and how she sees us lasting a long time. Her father was coming up to visit for the express purpose of meeting me, her grand parents wanted to meet me, her mother already knows me.

 

Things were great, so obviously being dumped was a surprise.

 

After the break up I was a complete mess, I had a literal mental break down. My psychiatrist even believes that the break up was so bad, it may have even formed a separate personality in my mind, one set to negative emotions.

 

I was such a mess, I tried to kill myself, twice.

 

First time I took an overdose of my parents meds, drank a **** ton of alcohol hoping it would work. I puked them all up so it failed.

 

Second time I tried to cut my wrist, my brother walked in at that moment, punched me in the head, took my knife, and watched me like a hawk for 5 months.

 

As you can see, I was in a very bad place.

 

But as time moved on, I have begun to realize that I was wrong, suicide would not solve anything. Yes it would make the ex feel guilty knowing she was the cause of it, but thats it.

 

Killing yourself is not the answer, never is. I want the people to read this thread and understand that. That just because you were dumped or cheated on or any number of things, suicide is not worth it.

 

I have come to realize that suicide is for wimps, real men try to live their lives, not end them.

 

So to all who read this, remember that killing yourself is not, nor ever will be, the answer. Live your life, go out to movies, play video games, flirt with new people, go to class or job, or even get passed out drunk with your friends while Playing Halo.

 

But do not kill yourself.

 

You are absolutely right man!! Good for you!! You are right. It is very hard, but time heals all things. My ex dumped me just a little over a year ago and I thought i was gonna die. I have numerous other threads like this one. Suicide is NOT the answer. Yes, you are in so much pain that you feel ending it all is the answer. The truth is that there is someone better for you out there. You deserve better than her. It's her loss, not yours. Just keep that in mind. My ex told me the same thing. All she ever talked about to her friends and family was all about me. I even was going to go out with her and her parents and even just with her dad because they wanted to know me better. Things changed completely. She left me 3 weeks before school let out and it was so difficult getting through the end of the semester but I did anyway. Keep going. You can do it.

[ShatteredDreams]

I keep trying to fight the urge. And I know suicide is never the answer. But these feelings after 4 months is still killing me and making me cry very hard and I just want it to end.

[TaraMaiden]

Do you have family?

 

go and ask them then, "How would it be, if I just ended my life because right now, I feel so low...."

 

(Emphasis on the 'right now'.....)

 

Ask them, and see what they come back with.

if anyone agrees with you, I'll be a tad surprised.....

 

Suicide is just about the most selfish final act you could possibly carry out.

 

Have you read my first post in this thread?

[Els]

To those planning suicide simply out of revenge, ie 'He/she will feel terribly guilty because of it', well, the only one suffering from the revenge, 10 years later, will be your nonexistent self. He/she will probably have recovered in a year's time, and will be enjoying life with his/her new partner while your bones rot in your grave, and all the hopes and dreams that you and your parents and friends have had rot with them.

 

Suicide does the greatest disservice to oneself and the people who truly care about you, instead of the person who dumped you.

[Exit]

I'm no longer on the verge of actually killing myself, but I always keep it as a fail-safe in the back of my mind. The whole "it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem" thing is BS from my perspective. Like someone else said earlier in this thread, it's not so much ending my life directly because of my ex, it's because now without the enjoyment of a relationship, all the other crap in my life just seems that much worse. When you have someone to lay in bed with and make you laugh, all the other stuff seems easier to deal with. There is nothing "temporary" about my problems. I have been unhappy to some degree for many years. My family is messed up, I don't have a lot of close friends, and my relationships always end with my getting dumped. I'm unemployed, having no money sucks, but I also hate going to be told what to do for 8 hours a day for minimum wage so I can come home, go to sleep, and do it again.

 

I'm over my super-depressed stage now, but even as I claw my way uphill, socializing again, working out, watching what I eat, the thought is not completely out of my mind. If I can't achieve some happiness soon, there is still a way out. I was reading in an article, that in terms of terminally ill patients who consider assisted suicide, it actually helps to keep them going. Having that "out" in the back of their mind helps them struggle through the pain of one more day, knowing that if they ever reach that breaking point, they know they can put an end to it. That's kinda how I feel. I'll try to claw my way uphill for the millionth time in my life, but if I end up sliding down to the bottom again, I'm outta here. And I have openly discussed this with close CLOSE family members, and as much as they obviously want me to live, they are at a loss for how to help me either. All anyone wants to do is suggest medication and that is so insulting to me, to imply that I am unhappy because of a chemical imbalance in my brain, as if I wake up every day in a beautiful mansion with a lovely wife, and end up sitting in the corner crying. I am unhappy because of 20+ years of a crappy life, not because I don't have Zoloft floating through my bloodstream.

 

For many years now, when I've looked back at the pattern of my life, I just think it's painfully obvious that I'm going to end up as a suicide lol. Yes it's weak, yes it takes more strength to keep going in life and be a man about it, I have no problem admitting that I am very weak. I've been beaten down too many times. I ask life just to give me the smallest break, let something good happen, yet I just get more garbage.

 

So I can't get on the gung-ho "Yay life" wagon, I don't necessarily believe that there is anything better coming my way, AND typing that just reminded me, even when people try to use that logic on me, I say "I don't care if in 2 years I'm going to win a million dollars, I don't care if in the next few years I'm going to meet my wife, I still want to leave now". So maybe a better girl is out there for me, maybe financial success, maybe everything I've ever wanted, but I just don't care to do what it takes to even make it there, I'm just ready to rest.

[RuinedLife]

It's weird. When you are really seriously depressed after a break up, it becomes like a Romeo and Juliet syndrome, where you feel there is no point to life and no happy future without your "soul mate".

 

However, if this someone who left you, was your "soul mate" then surely they would want to be with you no matter what too, right? Yes unrequited love hurts! Stings worse than a thousand knives of fire stabbing you in the heart! But eventually, the pain fades, and day by day, your eyes will start to open up to the world of possibilities around you again. And you start to realize that even without this person there is any number things you can do with your life and no shortage of new people to meet.

 

Sure no one will be exactly like your ex in every conceivable way, but then you wouldn't want them to be right? Because your ex doesn't want to be with you and you deserve someone who will love you and stick by you no matter what! Who will put in the effort to work through relationship problems and will NEVER give up on you as long as you don't give up on them.

 

Sorry, I'm struggling to give good advice to people at the moment, as I've been overwhelmed with depression myself (to the point where suicidal thoughts have become the norm for me), but I'm trying to force myself to look on the more positive side of life when ever I can. And offering advice to others (hopefully it resonates with someone in someway) is helping me to slowly become a bit more positive and open my eyes to the many possibilities in life.

 

Also this seems to be key quote in situations where someone thinks they've lost their soul mate-

If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were.

 

And if you are still convinced that your ex is "the only one" for you, "your soul mate" and the only one in this Universe that can ever make you happy then think of it this way...

 

If you kill yourself and it turns out that this person is indeed your "soul mate" and one day they do come back looking for you... you won't be there to witness that, you will be gone from this world forever and if there is a Heaven or a Hell you'll be looking down or up on the world and thinking...

 

"Drat! They came back for me. But I'm not there anymore."

 

Because suicide is irreversible. You can't kill yourself one day and then the next think...

 

"Huh.. you know what, my life wasn't so bad after all. Maybe I'll give it another shot."

 

You can't restart the game once you've destroyed the disk.

Edited June 16, 2011 by RuinedLife

[radiodarcy]

ironically i found myself contemplating suicide when i was in contact with my ex. once i went NC, the suicidal urges went away. i'm not saying NC is the way to curb those urges. but as Tara said, suicide is "a permanent solution to a temporary problem". the best help i could have given myself was to cut all ties and start the healing process. but each person is different. NC may not be enough for some people to heal and in that case, help from a third party would be needed (i.e. a therapist/meds).

[TaraMaiden]

I'm no longer on the verge of actually killing myself, but I always keep it as a fail-safe in the back of my mind. The whole "it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem" thing is BS from my perspective. Like someone else said earlier in this thread, it's not so much ending my life directly because of my ex, it's because now without the enjoyment of a relationship, all the other crap in my life just seems that much worse. When you have someone to lay in bed with and make you laugh, all the other stuff seems easier to deal with. There is nothing "temporary" about my problems. I have been unhappy to some degree for many years. My family is messed up, I don't have a lot of close friends, and my relationships always end with my getting dumped. I'm unemployed, having no money sucks, but I also hate going to be told what to do for 8 hours a day for minimum wage so I can come home, go to sleep, and do it again.

 

I'm over my super-depressed stage now, but even as I claw my way uphill, socializing again, working out, watching what I eat, the thought is not completely out of my mind. If I can't achieve some happiness soon, there is still a way out. I was reading in an article, that in terms of terminally ill patients who consider assisted suicide, it actually helps to keep them going. Having that "out" in the back of their mind helps them struggle through the pain of one more day, knowing that if they ever reach that breaking point, they know they can put an end to it. That's kinda how I feel. I'll try to claw my way uphill for the millionth time in my life, but if I end up sliding down to the bottom again, I'm outta here. And I have openly discussed this with close CLOSE family members, and as much as they obviously want me to live, they are at a loss for how to help me either. All anyone wants to do is suggest medication and that is so insulting to me, to imply that I am unhappy because of a chemical imbalance in my brain, as if I wake up every day in a beautiful mansion with a lovely wife, and end up sitting in the corner crying. I am unhappy because of 20+ years of a crappy life, not because I don't have Zoloft floating through my bloodstream.

 

For many years now, when I've looked back at the pattern of my life, I just think it's painfully obvious that I'm going to end up as a suicide lol. Yes it's weak, yes it takes more strength to keep going in life and be a man about it, I have no problem admitting that I am very weak. I've been beaten down too many times. I ask life just to give me the smallest break, let something good happen, yet I just get more garbage.

 

So I can't get on the gung-ho "Yay life" wagon, I don't necessarily believe that there is anything better coming my way, AND typing that just reminded me, even when people try to use that logic on me, I say "I don't care if in 2 years I'm going to win a million dollars, I don't care if in the next few years I'm going to meet my wife, I still want to leave now". So maybe a better girl is out there for me, maybe financial success, maybe everything I've ever wanted, but I just don't care to do what it takes to even make it there, I'm just ready to rest.

 

Sad.

 

What makes it sadder is that you have a choice.

If this is the way you choose to be...

 

Then that's sad.

[RuinedLife]

I realize suicide is never the answer, believe me I do. But I struggle with suicidal thoughts almost constantly these days. And what people don't understand is that -

 

Suicide is not chosen;

it happens when pain exceeds

resources for coping with pain.

 

The despairing feelings I feel and the complete inability to see a happy future ahead of me (only complete blackness) added to my constant feelings of hopeless and worthlessness make me sometimes think the only way out is to end it all. But I struggle on, and keep reaching out for the help I need. Because my family needs me here.

 

Please, anyone who is feeling really suicidal READ THIS first. Its helped me many times when I've felt so low I didn't feel like that I had any other ways to stop the pain and cope with the feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness.

[RuinedLife]

I hate this

 

I hate that I get such strong urges to kill myself, the despair is pure agony

 

And I hate myself with a passion

 

Why did I have to do this to myself? Why did I have to ruin a relationship with a guy I love so much? Seems I'll never be able to forgive myself

 

Been over 5 months now and STILL no let up

 

I just want to go to sleep and never wake up most nights I try so hard to be positive, to move on etc. but its all a lie really because I feel so empty and broken inside. My self esteem is just at rock bottom and I find it near impossible to see any hope of a having a happy future even though I know logically its possible..

 

My life just seems so meaningless now, my family love me so I stay for them, even though I know I'm a burden to them alive as well, but I could never hurt them like that. The pain of the despair is just so overwhelming at times. And I feel so lost in it, so alone