Emilia Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 This is one more example of how a word that used to just mean happy and light hearted came to mean homosexual male. None of this brand of manure happens among them. is that because they sleep with anything that moves?
zengirl Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 I also kind of think that the men/women who want to chase a woman/man who appears to be pulling away in an "I'm not sure" way have some commitment issues themselves. The whole idea of pulling away to bring someone closer is perhaps viable short-term (depending on the folks involved) but not generally a good sign of the long-term health of a partnership. I think the whole idea mimics something very healthy, though, which is the idea of keeping your own life and interests. Especially in the middle (after the surging thrill of the beginning stage), men and women both appreciate someone who is attentive, interested, and yet not always available because he or she still has their own life. There are people who toss that part of themselves away because of a great beginning, and they usually go through one failing relationship after another, wondering why partners always seem interested and then pull away. However, replacing a healthy balanced life with a game probably won't work. Playing the game MIGHT foster better habits over time and later become unnecessary, though, if someone finds it hard to manage a healthy balanced life and maintain their interests after the beginnings of a romance. At least I think that's the general idea. I think if you say something sounds "lovely", she might hang up the phone and gag. Also in that statement there are no less than four really nice statements that, taken all together, amount to a humongous smooch on her ass, which you may not get a chance to see if you do it again. I'd recommend cutting it down to one, maybe two statements of affection using no frilly terms like "lovely" or "surely". Something more along the lines of flirting, including hints that you only want her for her body. And then an offer for another time. I think carhill had the right idea. He wrote something he'd organically say. Trying to count the number of "nice things" you say is another game. All these games do is poorly mimic healthy behavior and boundaries. Healthy boundaries make for healthy relationships (like good fences make good neighbors), as does a strong sense of self and rich life of your own. When you resort to playing rubberband games or counting nice statements because you cannot develop healthy boundaries. . . well, I think it's helpful for some people who have very bad habits they need to change, but you have to get way past THAT stage to get to healthy, happy, long-lasting relationships, I think. YMMV. And I like the word "lovely."
zengirl Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 This is one more example of how a word that used to just mean happy and light hearted came to mean homosexual male. None of this brand of manure happens among them. Are you serious? The gay male dating scene is actually extremely difficult. I have no friends with greater dating problems than my gay male friends. The lesbian dating scene, on the other hand, seems really easy.
threebyfate Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 Frankly speaking, pulling away works better on men than women since they're more accustomed to clingy, needy women. When women do this, it can and does completely freak them out, causing them to second guess the reason(s).
Mrlonelyone Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 (edited) is that because they sleep with anything that moves? Well clearly they don't sleep with women so no they don't sleep with anything. @zengirl The gay scene is easier for them than the heterosexual scene is for heterosexual males. As I bisexual and bigendered person I have experienced all of these perspectives. Gay males don't "have sex with anything that moves"... What they do is they don't have the need that women are taught to have to act as if sex is undesirable for them. Out gay men already have so much social stigma, plus they have the male privilege of being able to have an active sex life with little stigma. While heterosexual women are worrying about being easy, or getting pregnant by a man, what people will think of them for being with this man or that man.... homosexual men don't concern themselves with that. If they like someone they say so, if not they say so. Simple as that. ____________________________________________ The bottom line is this "pulling away" or "being a challenge" junk is just that junk. If someone is into you then none of this crappola is going to be necessary. They would just be into you and manipulations like this won't be needed. What will you do when you are deeper into a relationship or marriage? Keep playing a game for the rest of your days as a couple? Edited April 19, 2011 by Mrlonelyone
zengirl Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 @zengirlThe gay scene is easier for them than the heterosexual scene is for heterosexual males. As I bisexual and bigendered person I have experienced all of these perspectives. Gay males don't "have sex with anything that moves"... What they do is they don't have the need that women are taught to have to act as if sex is undesirable for them. Out gay men already have so much social stigma, plus they have the male privilege of being able to have an active sex life with little stigma. While heterosexual women are worrying about being easy, or getting pregnant by a man, what people will think of them for being with this man or that man.... homosexual men don't concern themselves with that. If they like someone they say so, if not they say so. Simple as that. I never said gay men have sex with everything that moves. My gay friends have HUGE romantic problems, and status in the gay community here is bigger than it is with women (status and money are major factors of a lot of the gay relationships here). Also, I know plenty of gay men who don't "just say it" when they like a guy. And plenty of the gays I know --- even those who are out --- still worry about social stigma, about being "too gay" or "not gay enough." One of my best friends is a gay man, and most of his life is very together but romance? Even his problems have problems. He's a bit to the extreme, but I know plenty of gay males who are not as fancy free as you make them seem. I also know plenty of straight men and women who admit they enjoy sex and don't place a stigma on it. Most of my friends are pretty much there. Even though, personally, I don't dig sex outside of relationships for myself (it doesn't coincide with what I want), but I'd never attach a stigma to it; plenty of people I know and respect have casual sex. None of my female friends pretend they dislike sex.
Mrlonelyone Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Sorry the "everything that moves" was not really directed at you. I was directed at something someone else said. I included it because I know it's a common thought among some heterosexuals.
EasyHeart Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 I think a lot of you are reading waaay too much into this. The idea behind rubberbanding is that men (and some women) will naturally reach a point after a few months where they want to spend less time with their SO. In my experience, that's absolutely been true, and I think it's perfectly normal. Some women become extremely anxious about this and start pushing for more time together, which generally has the effect of pushing the man away. If you're dating someone and need some more time for yourself, having the other person become even MORE demanding is not going make her more attractive; it's much more likely to make you sick of her. The message to women is supposed to be that, after you've been dating a few months, it's perfectly normal to spend LESS time together, and that chasing a guy who needs more personal time is going to be counterproductive.
zengirl Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 I think a lot of you are reading waaay too much into this. The idea behind rubberbanding is that men (and some women) will naturally reach a point after a few months where they want to spend less time with their SO. In my experience, that's absolutely been true, and I think it's perfectly normal. Some women become extremely anxious about this and start pushing for more time together, which generally has the effect of pushing the man away. If you're dating someone and need some more time for yourself, having the other person become even MORE demanding is not going make her more attractive; it's much more likely to make you sick of her. The message to women is supposed to be that, after you've been dating a few months, it's perfectly normal to spend LESS time together, and that chasing a guy who needs more personal time is going to be counterproductive. I think you have (in the 1st paragraph) illustrated the phenomenon in its mild, healthy version. There are also people (usually men, but not always) who pull away as a defense mechanism and/or in order to "see" what the other person will do. I know this from experience in dating a guy who totally did this (and having had the healthy experience). In some ways, it looks exactly the same, but it "felt" different and I had trouble placing it but let him do his thing just the same. And then later called him on it. He admitted he had done it as a defense mechanism, and I'm sure he's not the only person on the planet that has. To me, that's just as unhealthy as becoming anxious. I will say that I think it's unhealthy to spend a LOT less time together as the relationship progresses, but the best way to combat that is not to get all wrapped up in spending all your time with someone in the beginning. (That's how I keep my life and thus have one for when a guy wants some "him time" which is fine.) After all, ideally, you'll be spending every day together, so if you get burnt out early on, how can you get there? I don't like the idea of yo-yo-ing too much, personally. That said, I've been with a guy who got upset with me because I didn't have the level of time/attention he wanted. So, I don't think it's always men who need "me" time (I definitely need some, and would need pockets of it -- hours here and there, activities to myself -- even if I were married). The important thing is that both parties address "me" time in productive ways: letting each other have it but also explaining well when they need it. (Rather than not call for days on end to "take time" actually let the person know what's going on, so they don't feel insecure. To do otherwise is a really subtle test. And testing never goes well.)
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