HeartOnSleeve Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 http://www.strugglesofaloveaddict.com/2011/04/rubber-band-effect-getting-him-to-want.html It's in the May issue of Cosmo out now! I came across it last night and was a little surprised. But as I am int he process of pulling away from the guy I am dating I thought....why not see what happens. Curious what everyone elses thoughts are on this article and if they think it's a yay or nay! Happy Dating!
Nexus One Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 Be careful about what you read in magazines and following the advice. What they're effectively suggesting is to play a game and pull away from the relationship in the hope that the guy snaps back. It's an indirect strategy and if there's something that guys suck at understanding it's indirect hints from women. In fact the article sounds a bit funny to me as a guy, because there is no actual rubber band around lovers. I know it's supposed to be an analogy, but think about it, an analogy of what exactly? Because I don't think the effect has ever been proven to exist.
curlygirl40 Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 The guy who writes the Mars and Venus books (John Grey?) talks about this. His theory is that men NEED that time apart to become more attached. So to him it's not game play, it's giving the guy time that he needs to miss you, and this creates an attachment. Or something like that, it's been a while since I've read the book. It's in the Mars and Venus on a date book. He goes on to say that often what happens is that when a guy starts to pull away, the girl ramps up the contact because she panics. So she'll start to pursue heavily, and then the guy doesn't get the time apart that he needs to grow really attached to her and decide he doesn't want to live w/o her (so to speak). And this can be the beginning of the end. Interesting I think and I've seen it happen with a friend. He pulled away for a bit and instead of chasing him she just continued with occassional contact and lived her own life in the meantime. And he bounced back and eventually they married.
threebyfate Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 Having your own life is necessary, whether it has to do with dating, relationships or marriage. Cannot stand self-help gurus or books since they're so generalized. Best to gauge each person as an individual, with individual experiences and triggers which are positive and negative. To suggest that all men need to cave or rubberband is pure bunk.
LearningLove Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 I consider myself quintessentially male. In dating, I purposely follow the literal approach to reading social cues. Why? Because I am way to old to need to or care to waste my time on inconsequential behavior. Also, every woman gets one chance with me. Consequently, if I start dating a woman and I call her to see if she wants to go out over the weekend and I do not get a response or I get an, "I'm busy," response then her number is blocked and off my phone and I move onto the next woman. There are plenty of fish in the see as the saying goes.
stace79 Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 I get what the article is trying to say, but frankly I think guys who distance themselves like that are either too selfish or too immature to be in a relationship with me. If a relationship ultimately ends in marriage and cohabitation, which is my ultimate end-goal at some point, then you're going to be seeing that person every day. If it's only been a couple weeks or months and you're already sick of me? Not a good sign. I think real, mature, adult relationships require give-and-take on BOTH parts. I feel like many men don't really care if they have a long-term relationship as long as they get companionship on occasion and sexual activity, and so they aren't willing to work as hard as women are, because many women ultimately want to get married and have children. So men will take advantage of that fact, dating a woman and having sex with her until he's essentially sick of her or she becomes too "clingy". Women on the other hand may be so panicky or desperate when the guy starts to pull away because she wants marriage/kids. If she thought more like a guy, it wouldn't be so against her nature to also withdraw. Anyway, just my two cents.
carhill Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 Consequently, if I start dating a woman and I call her to see if she wants to go out over the weekend and I do not get a response or I get an, "I'm busy," response then her number is blocked and off my phone and I move onto the next woman.Yep, same with LTR's and friends. I've always been this way. My perspective is it takes two balanced individuals to have a healthy relationships and whether it's myself or the other person who's unbalanced, the relationship can't be healthy until it's brought back into balance. Hence, as an example, when I lost track of a lot of friends while caregiving, since my mother's care was my priority, it was up to me to proactively reconnect and catch up, re-energize and re-balance the friendships. It wasn't up to them to chase me. They knew my circumstances and stepped back. Same result when my wife distanced herself. The M became unbalanced and, out of respect for the commitment, I chased her for a couple years, then disconnected her, subsequently getting a divorce. Dating experiences don't get a week. If I don't sense proactive interest, no prejudice and bye bye. If that's an error, they can correct it. Life goes on. I don't read dating books.
Jazzari Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 I consider myself quintessentially male. In dating, I purposely follow the literal approach to reading social cues. Why? Because I am way to old to need to or care to waste my time on inconsequential behavior. Also, every woman gets one chance with me. Consequently, if I start dating a woman and I call her to see if she wants to go out over the weekend and I do not get a response or I get an, "I'm busy," response then her number is blocked and off my phone and I move onto the next woman. There are plenty of fish in the see as the saying goes.Do you mean when this happens frequently? I think blocking a woman out because she had other plans one weekend (or even occasionally) is a little harsh.
zengirl Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 I think the idea of having your own life and your own hobbies and NOT giving them up is good. I have fallen into that trap, and I think the notion that women do that is very true. We are more apt (in general --- get ready for the annoying generalization) to give up our interests or meld them with a partner than men. So, it's good to learn how that's potentially unproductive, particularly if done too early. Some "me" time helps everyone. Really, I thought the best notion in the article though was the idea that men need time apart to see if a relationship is right, whereas women tend to need more time together to decide. I don't think it always falls along gender lines (in fact, I tend to need a bit of both myself, and I think everybody does, but at different times) but it's an interesting notion. In terms of playing some weird rubberband game, that's awkward and lame, but if you just frame it in having a healthy life of your own and letting your partner take space when they seem to be asking for it, I think that's a good thing. I do think the rubberband analogy takes it too far for my taste, and that's why I've never liked the Mars/Venus books. I also find that I, as a woman, need space to process attraction, so I'm not sure it's always distinct gender lines. I do think the kind of women who read Cosmo are the kind of women who tend to give up their hobbies and not take enough space for themselves (wild generalization again!) so makes sense it'd be in there.
Hules Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 (edited) Articles like this piss me off. Self respecting guys don't think like this! Girls tend to take this advice way to seriously and end off coming off as dis-interested, immature, playing silly mind games. Know what happens next, guy stops contacting you and starts dating someone else and you wonder wtf just happened. Guys understand if your busy thats fine. If a guy you like asks you out and your busy, cool. If you however just say "I'm busy" and you don't offer another time most guys will take that as a hint your not interested and move on. In short stupid, silly mind games don't work on guys who respect themselves and have a backbone. You will be left with guys who are desperate for female attention or guys who play games themselves. Having your own life outside the relationship is important totally agree however don't use it as an excuse to give guys you like the cold shoulder in some stupid, naive thought that it will make them lust for you more. Doesn't work like that. Guys work on logic. Girl rejects me after asking her out a few times with "I'm busy" x (she didn't offer another time) = shes not interested = end of story. Doesn't matter if its the truth or not most guys will see it this way. Edited April 18, 2011 by Hules
threebyfate Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 Guys work on logic.When it comes to the dating/mating game, not even close to the truth. Attraction and love aren't logical.
Hules Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 When it comes to the dating/mating game, not even close to the truth. Attraction and love aren't logical. We still work on logic even if it gets skewed by love and attraction it is still logical to us. My question is why would you/others feel the need to play these "games" and they are games however you look at them.
threebyfate Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 Having your own life is necessary, whether it has to do with dating, relationships or marriage. Cannot stand self-help gurus or books since they're so generalized. Best to gauge each person as an individual, with individual experiences and triggers which are positive and negative. To suggest that all men need to cave or rubberband is pure bunk. We still work on logic even if it gets skewed by love and attraction it is still logical to us. My question is why would you/others feel the need to play these "games" and they are games however you look at them.No, men do not work on logic when it comes to attraction and love. You may believe you do but most often, it starts off with following the little brain. Both men and women become slightly or fully brain dead when it comes to attraction and love. As far as promoting games, I've requoted what I originally wrote. Nowhere is there support for playing games. The key is to have a life and the reason for it is that it's healthy to balance your life, as much as possible. As well, when having a life, it also provides the couple with more to talk about.
Hules Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 I'm not like most guys. I have an extremely low libido so I don't follow my little brain (as much). My attraction is based mostly off personality and I can see through bull**** a mile a way, especially when girls employ tactics like this. I think as a whole these sorts of articles don't help when girls take them as gospel. There has to be balance to often is skewed to the point that it becomes game playing and manipulative. Please don't try to tell me how I think, you do not live in my body.
threebyfate Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 I'm not like most guys. I have an extremely low libido so I don't follow my little brain (as much). My attraction is based mostly off personality and I can see through bull**** a mile a way, especially when girls employ tactics like this. I think as a whole these sorts of articles don't help when girls take them as gospel. There has to be balance to often is skewed to the point that it becomes game playing and manipulative. Please don't try to tell me how I think, you do not live in my body. You're right. I don't know how your body works. But I can confidentally say that your phrase of "Guys work on logic" is inaccurate.
Hules Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 Lets change it then from "guys work on logic" to a "growing number of men are smartening up to these stupid games and refuse to take part in it". They want an even playing field when it comes to dating and won't accept been a door mat anymore. This amazing concept called mutual respect which seems to be non-existent in today's dating world. I know most of my guy friends would rather be single than be with a women who employ crap like this.
johan Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 (edited) Women are capable of withdrawing, too. The premise of the article is that the woman still wants to be with the guy. She may start to have doubts herself. Or insecurities might be creeping in that make the guy or the girl or both decide that withdrawing and waiting for a clear "go ahead" signal is a smart move. But withdrawing and waiting may result in that signal never coming. It sucks to reach a point early in a relationship where you stop getting the signals that kept things going before. When you send a text and get a response that leaves the conversation dead. Or when you find out that cleaning the house is a higher priority than spending a Sunday afternoon together. And then the normal cheerful messaging back and forth seems completely inappropriate, uncomfortable, or no longer works its magic. Then the smoke starts to trail from the engine and you start to wonder what it would take to pull out of the dive. The same tricks are no longer working. Why does this happen? Is it a tactic used as a counter to something she sensed in you? Or does she do it because she really would just rather have you out of her house and that's more important than finding something to do together. You can't know if you don't communicate. Of course, then you risk burdening the relationship with heavy talks about "us" and "future" and things that seem premature and reveal your true investment in the relationship. The objective is to keep things even. The relationship can't really amount to more than the person who values it the least wants it to be. But if neither of you reveal how much you value the relationship, then it just becomes a game theory problem: probabilities of costs versus the probabilities of benefits lead you to make a decision that maximizes your expected return. Try to interpret the limited information you're getting and figure out what the potential action/reaction scenarios might be. As opposed to just expressing yourself. That's a hell of a way to run a relationship. Articles like this stereotype the interactions between a man and a woman. The fact is the responses they have to each other, and the level of investment they have in the relationship, the discomfort and insecurity, it's all the same whether you're male or female. The "games" you have to play to find out where the other one stands are the same. Because they might not have the confidence to tell you. Or worse, they might not care. Edited April 19, 2011 by johan
Author HeartOnSleeve Posted April 19, 2011 Author Posted April 19, 2011 Well when it comes to my current situation. I am with a guy that I really respect and like...personality is great, connection is great, but he is leaving for a month soon. Not sure why is he is pulling back but after a day of not initiating contact he has sent me these stupid little short texts that really don't do anything for me "Hi there", "Oh yea you worked that day"....no questions etc. Why contact me if you are over it and do guys just want a girl they aren't intersted into just "fade" away? Here is my other post and I guess it's what started this one. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t274161/ I don't want to play games, I'm a pretty easy going girl. Not complicated and have no baggage, but latley dating has been rough. Met a great guy a couple months ago, but I wasn't enough of a chase for him, and now with this guy it's like the opposite but he's pulling back in a strange way. Is he into me or not. So I saw the article and was intrigued I guess. Interesting comments!
carhill Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 Do you mean when this happens frequently? I think blocking a woman out because she had other plans one weekend (or even occasionally) is a little harsh. Example of my interpretation of a healthy and compatible 'busy', reversing the genders: Woman: 'Would you like to join me at a concert this Saturday?' Me: 'Wow, that sounds lovely. If I wasn't going to be out of town this weekend, I'd surely join you. Can I make it up to you by taking you to dinner Monday night after I return? You can make me jealous that I wasn't there ' Woman: <answer> Two things: First, I showed appreciation for the woman's effort and thinking of me. Second, I offered an alternative soon after returning, and personalized it with a little humor. This is how I perceive proactive interest and balance from a woman when dating and 'asking her out'. It does happen, though rarely, hence my long tried and true procedure. I've never been wrong yet, meaning the ones whom I dismiss never prove me wrong. Looking forward to being surprised once That said, there have been a few Hoovers who feigned interest and have strung me along. I learned some harsh lessons there. Hoovers are experts at giving just enough of what doesn't matter to them, but rather to the mark, to keep the mark in the game. Experience enough of that and one develops a healthy cynicism about sincerity. Or gets old and enjoys living alone
Hules Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 Example of my interpretation of a healthy and compatible 'busy', reversing the genders: Woman: 'Would you like to join me at a concert this Saturday?' Me: 'Wow, that sounds lovely. If I wasn't going to be out of town this weekend, I'd surely join you. Can I make it up to you by taking you to dinner Monday night after I return? You can make me jealous that I wasn't there ' Woman: <answer> Two things: First, I showed appreciation for the woman's effort and thinking of me. Second, I offered an alternative soon after returning, and personalized it with a little humor. This is how I perceive proactive interest and balance from a woman when dating and 'asking her out'. It does happen, though rarely, hence my long tried and true procedure. I've never been wrong yet, meaning the ones whom I dismiss never prove me wrong. Looking forward to being surprised once That said, there have been a few Hoovers who feigned interest and have strung me along. I learned some harsh lessons there. Hoovers are experts at giving just enough of what doesn't matter to them, but rather to the mark, to keep the mark in the game. Experience enough of that and one develops a healthy cynicism about sincerity. Or gets old and enjoys living alone Wise man this one.
Disillusioned Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 I consider myself quintessentially male. In dating, I purposely follow the literal approach to reading social cues. Why? Because I am way to old to need to or care to waste my time on inconsequential behavior. Also, every woman gets one chance with me. Consequently, if I start dating a woman and I call her to see if she wants to go out over the weekend and I do not get a response or I get an, "I'm busy," response then her number is blocked and off my phone and I move onto the next woman. There are plenty of fish in the see as the saying goes. Definitely seconded.
zengirl Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 Example of my interpretation of a healthy and compatible 'busy', reversing the genders: Woman: 'Would you like to join me at a concert this Saturday?' Me: 'Wow, that sounds lovely. If I wasn't going to be out of town this weekend, I'd surely join you. Can I make it up to you by taking you to dinner Monday night after I return? You can make me jealous that I wasn't there ' Woman: <answer> Two things: First, I showed appreciation for the woman's effort and thinking of me. Second, I offered an alternative soon after returning, and personalized it with a little humor. This is how I perceive proactive interest and balance from a woman when dating and 'asking her out'. It does happen, though rarely, hence my long tried and true procedure. I've never been wrong yet, meaning the ones whom I dismiss never prove me wrong. Looking forward to being surprised once That said, there have been a few Hoovers who feigned interest and have strung me along. I learned some harsh lessons there. Hoovers are experts at giving just enough of what doesn't matter to them, but rather to the mark, to keep the mark in the game. Experience enough of that and one develops a healthy cynicism about sincerity. Or gets old and enjoys living alone I think it's totally reasonable to expect a woman OR man show mutual interest in you. If I ever have to turn down a suggested time, I always make up for it (I hope) with a suggestion of another one/another thing to do. Seems only fair.
johan Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 Me: 'Wow, that sounds lovely. If I wasn't going to be out of town this weekend, I'd surely join you. Can I make it up to you by taking you to dinner Monday night after I return? You can make me jealous that I wasn't there ' I think if you say something sounds "lovely", she might hang up the phone and gag. Also in that statement there are no less than four really nice statements that, taken all together, amount to a humongous smooch on her ass, which you may not get a chance to see if you do it again. I'd recommend cutting it down to one, maybe two statements of affection using no frilly terms like "lovely" or "surely". Something more along the lines of flirting, including hints that you only want her for her body. And then an offer for another time.
Mrlonelyone Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 Here is why things like that don't work. Women who are genuinely disinterested pull away. Women who are trying to pull away in the way this article suggest also pull away. Every man has misread a womans intentions and thought she was interested or playing hard to get or whatever.... only to find out she really wasn't interested. Rather than subject themselves to that more than once most men just let go on the first sign of pulling away by the woman. This is one more example of how a word that used to just mean happy and light hearted came to mean homosexual male. None of this brand of manure happens among them.
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