hcromwell Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 (edited) I have been posting here for a few weeks...my latest attempt at saving my marriage has been Retrouvaille weekend. It has done us some good so far but my wife is still deeply in the no desire to fix it mode. Without rehashing my whole story...she came to me two years ago and laid out how unhappy she's been for a long time. I did my best to change...went to MC with her...and basically been a good boy. Without coming off as arrogant...while i have my faults...i think she is just using me as a whipping boy for whatever is bothering her about her life. Right now i am living a loveless, sexless life where i get my ego and self esteem stomped on almost daily. If one of my issues was life always being about me...then do i just suck it up and try and make her happy? 2 Friends asked me today why i want to stay...they feel life was never as good as i make it out to be. I really can't answer the real reason i want to stay...i say i love her but really...can you love someone who treats you like **** all the time? Who degrades every positive experience you might have had into a negative? Question for you all is this... What do you think makes people try so hard when the other isn't? Edited April 18, 2011 by hcromwell
Minnie09 Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 Sometimes the whole thing is merely a power struggle. If the M is already out of balance due to various problems and whatnot, the struggle to get back in balance is a power fight. The one who pulls the rope harder and works harder to improve the situation, is the ****ed one. The other one can withdraw and relax, cuss and complain. The less effort you put in, the better off you are. If you try less, your W will try harder. Let her do the heavy lifting for a while. Give her a taste of her own medicine. Criticize her efforts. Tell her it's not been good enough. Tell her to try harder. Sit back and relax.
Author hcromwell Posted April 18, 2011 Author Posted April 18, 2011 yeah i get that to some degree...so does that mean all the negativity is a power move? Like she knows how to piss me off? I don't get that
PollyIvy Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 My marriage is similar. I'm the pursuer and he's the distancer. I try to get close, and he withdraws. This goes on and on until I explode - then he double-explodes at me, and then we crawl back into our corners. It's a power struggle, and he wins. Because I want contact, and I don't get it, and he wants space, and he gets it. But I am not staying in this marriage. Finally, after YEARS, I am moving out with the kids. I am done running after him and getting scolded and rejected. If this marriage ever gets sorted out, it will have to be him running after me. And being frikkin NICE.
Soxfaninfl Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 I was trying to make mine work because I have a son with my stbx, and I knew it would be tuff for us to be on our own. It's not worth staying in a marriage when your spouse is not pulling their weight to try to make the marriage better.
Irishlove Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 I believe people are like animals and are territorial. They don't like failure, they don't like the unknown.
skywriter Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Hi hcromwell, Question for you all is this... What do you think makes people try so hard when the other isn't? That question is as indivdual as the people I suppose. The obvious would be, that the person trying ,truly wants to save the marriage and the other person doesn't. The person trying has to exhaust themselves trying, knowing they've done all they could've. It makes realising that they can't fix the relationship alone easier and they can move on.
Author hcromwell Posted April 20, 2011 Author Posted April 20, 2011 i am trying because i hate that we shared so many good times and all she can see is the bad. I am staying because i feel she is going through a very long stage. I am staying because she has always hated men and i don't want to be another one kicking her to the curb I am staying because i do love her...not right now...not that way...but i care about her
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