Maintaining strong NC for good?

[Rooke]

Rooke, sorry if I'm being a pain. I'm one of those people who believe in taking action to fix issues directly...being passive rarely gets the results that you want.

 

With that said...if what you want is to start moving towards a resolution...let me know and I'll be glad to keep posting.

 

If you're wanting a different kind of support...say so and I'll step back and let you get advice from people more capable of providing what you're looking for.

 

No offense intended...honestly trying to help you get what you need/want.

 

No offence taken!! You're not being a pain at all!

I appreciate and value everyones support - and you're absolutely right, I do need a goal to focus on, I can't achieve anything if I don't know what I want.

But I think the problem is I don't know what I want.

To be brutally honest, and I haven't been this honest with anyone - I think I might want him back and I hate myself for that.

I SHOULDN'T want him back.

[Rooke]

 

 

Rooke...I'm so sorry for how this all turned out. I would like to give you a huge strong hug,

 

 

I could really do with a big strong hug!

[Owl]

I totally understand. Realize I've never been an OW/OM...I've been in his wife's position.

 

With that said, I totally understand the conflict of what you want vs what you should do.

 

That's another reason why you should avoid that conflict and focus on the decision that has apparently been made.

 

Do YOUR best to support that decision, if you can't make one for yourself at this point.

 

Like you said...you really don't have much choice. Given that...do the best you can with the situation that you're in.

 

Make sense?

[Rooke]

I totally understand. Realize I've never been an OW/OM...I've been in his wife's position.

 

With that said, I totally understand the conflict of what you want vs what you should do.

 

That's another reason why you should avoid that conflict and focus on the decision that has apparently been made.

 

Do YOUR best to support that decision, if you can't make one for yourself at this point.

 

Like you said...you really don't have much choice. Given that...do the best you can with the situation that you're in.

 

Make sense?

 

It does yes. If the decision has been made for me then I will make that my goal.

 

Let me ask you something though please, as you say you have been in his wife's position and it isn't too personal.

How difficult was it to forgive and forget? If your H had done it you three times in two years and you had found out each time, would you give him another chance?

It's extremely brave of you, I think to be offering support to us OW.

One of the girls in my office said it was very difficult to hear it from my point of view as she had been in your position.

As I said to FG, I realise everyones situation is different and I can't compare, but I think getting these kind of insights can help me get perspective.

[Owl]

It's really hard to guess what's going on in her mind, in their marriage.

 

There's a whole lot of factors that come into play when you're trying to make the choice to reconcile or not.

 

And as much as this may not be something that you want to hear...odds are that the "picture" that he gave you of their marriage could well be very much different than what it really has been.

 

Odds are...even HIS view of it differs greatly from what it really has been.

 

Many WS's "re-write marital history" in their own minds during the affair.

 

Example...immediately after my wife's affair, she was insistent that she'd "not been happy in years". I looked at that, replayed our marriage in my mind. I couldn't see that. She'd been unhappy for the last year...mostly due to issues she'd created herself. But years? Nope. Kids couldn't see it either. So, I pressed for details. Describe for me specifics in which you were unhappy...she couldn't. As our recovery began and improved, her recollections of unhappiness slowly changed over time...until it matched what I'd experienced and our kids and friends had observed.

 

In your MM's situation...her reasons for still wanting to recover their marriage after all of this and three seperate d-days are her own. If you think about it...irrelevent really. She's opted to do so...and he's opted to do so as well. Or, he's opted to appease her for now to keep the status quo and resume the affair at a later date with you...or someone else.

 

Again...that should be irrelvent to you now.

 

He's thrown you under the bus. You're the horrible person who made him do it...he might even convince himself of that at some point.

 

Again...it doesn't matter.

 

What matters is that YOU shouldn't tolerate being treated like that.

 

You should move on. Not for her, not for him...but because you deserve better than this.

 

And he's not going to give you better...you've had that demonstrated by his actions.

 

Forget his words...what have his ACTIONS told you about where his mind is at?

 

That's the key here, my friend.

[Rooke]

It's really hard to guess what's going on in her mind, in their marriage.

 

There's a whole lot of factors that come into play when you're trying to make the choice to reconcile or not.

 

And as much as this may not be something that you want to hear...odds are that the "picture" that he gave you of their marriage could well be very much different than what it really has been.

 

Odds are...even HIS view of it differs greatly from what it really has been.

 

Many WS's "re-write marital history" in their own minds during the affair.

 

Example...immediately after my wife's affair, she was insistent that she'd "not been happy in years". I looked at that, replayed our marriage in my mind. I couldn't see that. She'd been unhappy for the last year...mostly due to issues she'd created herself. But years? Nope. Kids couldn't see it either. So, I pressed for details. Describe for me specifics in which you were unhappy...she couldn't. As our recovery began and improved, her recollections of unhappiness slowly changed over time...until it matched what I'd experienced and our kids and friends had observed.

 

In your MM's situation...her reasons for still wanting to recover their marriage after all of this and three seperate d-days are her own. If you think about it...irrelevent really. She's opted to do so...and he's opted to do so as well. Or, he's opted to appease her for now to keep the status quo and resume the affair at a later date with you...or someone else.

 

Again...that should be irrelvent to you now.

 

He's thrown you under the bus. You're the horrible person who made him do it...he might even convince himself of that at some point.

 

Again...it doesn't matter.

 

What matters is that YOU shouldn't tolerate being treated like that.

 

You should move on. Not for her, not for him...but because you deserve better than this.

 

And he's not going to give you better...you've had that demonstrated by his actions.

 

Forget his words...what have his ACTIONS told you about where his mind is at?

 

That's the key here, my friend.

 

I'm not sure if they have reconciled this time or haven't but as you say quite rightly, this is irrelevent.

Also, I really didn't have that much information about their marriage, I didn't want to know. However what I do know, is that whatever he said to her when he told her the "truth" about the A, won't have been the truth, I do know that.

She hasn't come looking for answers. The time she found out before this, I spoke to her on the phone and she didn't ask many questions.

I have been ignoring this nagging at me for a long time, and the various conversations I had with him about how the situation wasn't changing and I wanted to end it, which makes even less sense as to why he's blaming me, if he'd let me walk away and left me alone, none of this would have happened.

I knew that it was all very well him telling me he loved me etc but I knew the signs pointed to everything but and I still let it ride.

I doubt he see's it that he's thrown me under a bus, in fact, I know he doesn't because he said I had left him with nothing, no home no relationship etc, so as far as he's concerned I deserve everything I get and him not contacting is his way of punishing me.

But what matters now is to get to a stage where I don't miss him and I don't care whether they've reconciled and to stop half hoping he will make contact.