Maintaining strong NC for good?

[Rooke]

I'm sure you've all read my post. His phone is still switched off. I have sent him a few emails to which he hasn't responded. I'm starting to think now that his phone will never be switched back on. I now want to move forward and maintain strong NC. I was wondering if anyone could help me?

[whichwayisup]

First off, no more sending emails to him. Or texts..Or IM's.

 

You need to NC proof yourself. Delete and block him (email, IM, cell), even change your number if you can.

 

Everytime you feel like contacting him, post here. Someone will talk you out of it.

 

Write out what you feel, think etc, writing is theraputic. Either by pen and paper or type it out (NOT in an email client, just incase you get the urge to hit send, always use a word program) on the computer.

 

Keep busy. Allow yourself "down time" to grieve and be angry/mad/sad.. But, pick yourself up and DO something. Whether it's a hobby, or going out shopping, being with friends and family, don't sit and mope, miss him and play the "I remember when, or I wish things were different" game in your mind.

 

BE PRO ACTIVE when it comes to NC. Not only by avoiding him, but also doing NC in your head. If you feel he's creeping into your mind, distract yourself. Missing what you had, wanting him back, wishing/hoping is a waste of time and will prevent you from healing. Acceptance and forgiving yourself, even him for everything is the best way to move forward. Work on you.. Own your part in the affair and do what you can to realize that just because you love him doesn't mean you have to have him.

 

NC NC NC! Let your ego and pride, anger take over. HE isn't worthy of any responses from you.

 

Hope this helps.

[Rooke]

First off, no more sending emails to him. Or texts..Or IM's.

 

You need to NC proof yourself. Delete and block him (email, IM, cell), even change your number if you can.

 

Everytime you feel like contacting him, post here. Someone will talk you out of it.

 

Write out what you feel, think etc, writing is theraputic. Either by pen and paper or type it out (NOT in an email client, just incase you get the urge to hit send, always use a word program) on the computer.

 

Keep busy. Allow yourself "down time" to grieve and be angry/mad/sad.. But, pick yourself up and DO something. Whether it's a hobby, or going out shopping, being with friends and family, don't sit and mope, miss him and play the "I remember when, or I wish things were different" game in your mind.

 

BE PRO ACTIVE when it comes to NC. Not only by avoiding him, but also doing NC in your head. If you feel he's creeping into your mind, distract yourself. Missing what you had, wanting him back, wishing/hoping is a waste of time and will prevent you from healing. Acceptance and forgiving yourself, even him for everything is the best way to move forward. Work on you.. Own your part in the affair and do what you can to realize that just because you love him doesn't mean you have to have him.

 

NC NC NC! Let your ego and pride, anger take over. HE isn't worthy of any responses from you.

 

Hope this helps.

 

It does help yes, thankyou. He is not worthy of my responses, but I don't know about blocking his ability to contact me....I'm not sure I'm strong enough to never know whether he has tried to be in touch or not...If I knew for definite he was going to make contact then perhaps I would...

 

I like the idea of posting here instead of contacting him, and having a support network. I moved to a new city for him and I don't know anyone here.

[whichwayisup]

If he contacts you, you feel like crap. If he doesn't try to contact you, you feel like crap. See, part of this IS ego related? Ask for NC, but "hope" he contacts/chases you so you still feel desired and wanted by him.

 

It's a stupid mind game, only at the end, it'll HURT YOU.

 

If you truly want off that rollercoaster ride, you'll cut him out of your life and make it impossible to contact you. Maybe you need to keep getting hurt, hit your rock bottom before you decide enough is enough.

[Rooke]

Yes you are right. I need to deal with my insecurities myself.

He told me I'd ruined his life, left him with nothing. So I guess there's nothing to get in touch for.

[siuys]

Yes you are right. I need to deal with my insecurities myself.

He told me I'd ruined his life, left him with nothing. So I guess there's nothing to get in touch for.

 

Sounds like the coward's way out.... good luck with NC. It's the only way.

[fooled once]

I'm sure you've all read my post. His phone is still switched off. I have sent him a few emails to which he hasn't responded. I'm starting to think now that his phone will never be switched back on. I now want to move forward and maintain strong NC. I was wondering if anyone could help me?

 

Why are you emailing him? I thought you said on your other thread that you were done with him? Why all the emails if you aren't done?

 

First off, no more sending emails to him. Or texts..Or IM's.

 

You need to NC proof yourself. Delete and block him (email, IM, cell), even change your number if you can.

 

Everytime you feel like contacting him, post here. Someone will talk you out of it.

 

Write out what you feel, think etc, writing is theraputic. Either by pen and paper or type it out (NOT in an email client, just incase you get the urge to hit send, always use a word program) on the computer.

 

Keep busy. Allow yourself "down time" to grieve and be angry/mad/sad.. But, pick yourself up and DO something. Whether it's a hobby, or going out shopping, being with friends and family, don't sit and mope, miss him and play the "I remember when, or I wish things were different" game in your mind.

 

BE PRO ACTIVE when it comes to NC. Not only by avoiding him, but also doing NC in your head. If you feel he's creeping into your mind, distract yourself. Missing what you had, wanting him back, wishing/hoping is a waste of time and will prevent you from healing. Acceptance and forgiving yourself, even him for everything is the best way to move forward. Work on you.. Own your part in the affair and do what you can to realize that just because you love him doesn't mean you have to have him.

 

NC NC NC! Let your ego and pride, anger take over. HE isn't worthy of any responses from you.

 

Hope this helps.

 

Yep Yep Yep!

[Flabbergaster]

Read this. Follow this. When you want to scream and throw yourself against the walls...read it again, continue to follow it. Post here...you will get support. When you're so sad you can't take it anymore...read it again. And post here.

The LS guide to NC

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t81399/

[Rooke]

Why are you emailing him? I thought you said on your other thread that you were done with him? Why all the emails if you aren't done?

 

 

 

I've been back and forth. It's only been just over a week and I think I felt I needed to make him realise that he was blaming me entirely when it wasn't entirely his fault but now after being here, I realise that this is fruitless and that he will never realise what he's done wrong, and even if he was to apologise, he wouldn't mean it, it would simply be to him a way to get back in my life and so that he didn't have to feel like the bad guy.

[TigerCub]

Hi Rooke,

 

When you put your dignity in the picture, you will stick to NC.

 

To make NC work for me, I just told myself:

- he's playing me.

- he's using me

- he was lying to me

- he thinks I'm a fool if I keep doing this, and I'm sure its all one big joke to him.

-I can't respect me if I keep settling for crumbs and turning a blind eye to all his lies.

-I can't respect me for being someone on the side, and not being the person chosen.

- I can't respect me for being so weak - that's not like me.

 

and finally...

 

- If I can't even respect me, how in the hell am I expecting him to do so.

 

I will admit that maybe some of the stuff I told myself was an exaggeration (ie. the stuff that its all a joke to him, etc.) but he wasn't giving me anything to show me otherwise.

 

If its true or not, it didn't make a difference to me, because when I put my self respect and dignity in the balance - losing that meant more to me than losing him and whatever stolen moments we had.

 

Then it was easy to let go.

 

You will do things at your own pace, and it does take a while to really have it all sink in.

 

Hang in there, and put your dignity and self worth first.

 

***HUGS***

[ilovedhim]

I'm sure you've all read my post. His phone is still switched off. I have sent him a few emails to which he hasn't responded. I'm starting to think now that his phone will never be switched back on. I now want to move forward and maintain strong NC. I was wondering if anyone could help me?

 

there's an app that blocks callers.. it either sends them to voicemail (appears turned off) or pretends to pick up and hang up. it also blocks texts.

 

i know because i'm using it on my ex.

[Owl]

First off, no more sending emails to him. Or texts..Or IM's.

 

You need to NC proof yourself. Delete and block him (email, IM, cell), even change your number if you can.

 

Everytime you feel like contacting him, post here. Someone will talk you out of it.

 

Write out what you feel, think etc, writing is theraputic. Either by pen and paper or type it out (NOT in an email client, just incase you get the urge to hit send, always use a word program) on the computer.

 

Keep busy. Allow yourself "down time" to grieve and be angry/mad/sad.. But, pick yourself up and DO something. Whether it's a hobby, or going out shopping, being with friends and family, don't sit and mope, miss him and play the "I remember when, or I wish things were different" game in your mind.

 

BE PRO ACTIVE when it comes to NC. Not only by avoiding him, but also doing NC in your head. If you feel he's creeping into your mind, distract yourself. Missing what you had, wanting him back, wishing/hoping is a waste of time and will prevent you from healing. Acceptance and forgiving yourself, even him for everything is the best way to move forward. Work on you.. Own your part in the affair and do what you can to realize that just because you love him doesn't mean you have to have him.

 

NC NC NC! Let your ego and pride, anger take over. HE isn't worthy of any responses from you.

 

Hope this helps.

 

This advice sounds vaguely familiar...

 

:D :D

[Rooke]

there's an app that blocks callers.. it either sends them to voicemail (appears turned off) or pretends to pick up and hang up. it also blocks texts.

 

i know because i'm using it on my ex.

 

His phone has been off ever since D day. I doubt he will turn it back on. He'll probably pay his contract off and leave that phone switched off and has gone and got himself a new one.

[Flabbergaster]

there's an app that blocks callers.. [snip]..it also blocks texts.

Drat. I had just about come up with an excuse to break NC, and you tell me this. Pretty sure she'll be running that.

 

I've been back and forth. It's only been just over a week and I think I felt I needed to make him realise that he was blaming me entirely when it wasn't entirely his fault but now after being here, I realise that this is fruitless and that he will never realise what he's done wrong, and even if he was to apologise, he wouldn't mean it, it would simply be to him a way to get back in my life and so that he didn't have to feel like the bad guy.

 

Rooke...I'm so sorry for how this all turned out. I would like to give you a huge strong hug, and maybe even a teddy bear to hold and/or yell at, depending on the mood.

Speaking as an xMM...if he "blames you" to your face...that and all the other behavior you describe...this guy is selfish and no good for you, probably emotionally abusive. TAKE this opportunity to start fresh. It is a gift that he is ignoring you, a true gift. His other mode is probably "lie to you while using you for his convenience, and never loving you half as much as you love him"

You're in a LOT of pain I think. I can hear it so clearly because I was in that pain, I was 'back and forth' every five minutes. So many of us have been. I still have some back and forth days, weeks into NC. Please look into therapy? pschologytoday.com has 'find a therapist' link. It won't fix everything, but it might help you deal with the immediate pain. More importantly it might help you value yourself more, to avoid guys like this.

 

I'm so sorry it went down like this. You got in a game that has no winning move. BIG HUG of empathy, cause I know how much it hurts. The only thing you can do right now...is move forward.

 

The 'guide to nc' ends with a link 'how to have a second chance.' You should read that as well.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t81399/

 

I'd tell you that you're so much better than he deserves and you should move on...i know you can't see that, yet.

So I'm just going to tell you "you're not alone. you can get through this. Keep with it." The more actively you stop trying to contact him, the better it will be for you.

 

 

You don't have to be thinking "how do I do this for the longterm" yet.

Right now, you should focus on "how to maintain NC for the next week or two."

One day at a time is how you're going to get through this phase. Your goal for the day (each day) is to NOT try to contact him, to push him out of your mind as much as possible.

 

Once it stops hurting, you can worry about 'long term.'

Edited April 19, 2011 by Flabbergaster

[Rooke]

Drat. I had just about come up with an excuse to break NC, and you tell me this. Pretty sure she'll be running that.

 

 

 

Rooke...I'm so sorry for how this all turned out. I would like to give you a huge strong hug, and maybe even a teddy bear to hold and/or yell at, depending on the mood.

Speaking as an xMM...if he "blames you" to your face...that and all the other behavior you describe...this guy is selfish and no good for you, probably emotionally abusive. TAKE this opportunity to start fresh. It is a gift that he is ignoring you, a true gift. His other mode is probably "lie to you while using you for his convenience, and never loving you half as much as you love him"

You're in a LOT of pain I think. I can hear it so clearly because I was in that pain, I was 'back and forth' every five minutes. So many of us have been. I still have some back and forth days, weeks into NC. Please look into therapy? pschologytoday.com has 'find a therapist' link. It won't fix everything, but it might help you deal with the immediate pain. More importantly it might help you value yourself more, to avoid guys like this.

 

I'm so sorry it went down like this. You got in a game that has no winning move. BIG HUG of empathy, cause I know how much it hurts. The only thing you can do right now...is move forward.

 

The 'guide to nc' ends with a link 'how to have a second chance.' You should read that as well.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t81399/

 

I'd tell you that you're so much better than he deserves and you should move on...i know you can't see that, yet.

So I'm just going to tell you "you're not alone. you can get through this. Keep with it." The more actively you stop trying to contact him, the better it will be for you.

 

 

You don't have to be thinking "how do I do this for the longterm" yet.

Right now, you should focus on "how to maintain NC for the next week or two."

One day at a time is how you're going to get through this phase. Your goal for the day (each day) is to NOT try to contact him, to push him out of your mind as much as possible.

 

Once it stops hurting, you can worry about 'long term.'[/quote

 

I think it makes it much easier that he hasn't been in contact. I think it's quite easy to be saying I'm going really strong with NC but actually the real test will be if he does get in touch, which is why I asked in my other post if people thought he would be so that I can be prepared, because if he catches me off guard it could put me back to square one.

To be honest I'm not sure why he hasn't been in contact with me, I would've thought that he would want to prevent me from getting in touch with his W to expose his lies.

I can't know for sure, but I think perhaps this time she won't take him back because this is the third time in two years she has found out and I think if she gives him a FOURTH chance, he will only do it again, he obviously can't learn his lesson.

In that instance I think he will definitetly be in touch because he will think that there's a relationship waiting for him with me instead of being single.

I actually, really do hope he gets in touch so I can tell him to go and **** himself, I will rue the day that I can say that to him, and I would die a happy lady if I can reject him the way he has rejected me.

[Rooke]

Drat. I had just about come up with an excuse to break NC, and you tell me this. Pretty sure she'll be running that.

 

 

 

Rooke...I'm so sorry for how this all turned out. I would like to give you a huge strong hug, and maybe even a teddy bear to hold and/or yell at, depending on the mood.

Speaking as an xMM...if he "blames you" to your face...that and all the other behavior you describe...this guy is selfish and no good for you, probably emotionally abusive. TAKE this opportunity to start fresh. It is a gift that he is ignoring you, a true gift. His other mode is probably "lie to you while using you for his convenience, and never loving you half as much as you love him"

You're in a LOT of pain I think. I can hear it so clearly because I was in that pain, I was 'back and forth' every five minutes. So many of us have been. I still have some back and forth days, weeks into NC. Please look into therapy? pschologytoday.com has 'find a therapist' link. It won't fix everything, but it might help you deal with the immediate pain. More importantly it might help you value yourself more, to avoid guys like this.

 

I'm so sorry it went down like this. You got in a game that has no winning move. BIG HUG of empathy, cause I know how much it hurts. The only thing you can do right now...is move forward.

 

The 'guide to nc' ends with a link 'how to have a second chance.' You should read that as well.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t81399/

 

I'd tell you that you're so much better than he deserves and you should move on...i know you can't see that, yet.

So I'm just going to tell you "you're not alone. you can get through this. Keep with it." The more actively you stop trying to contact him, the better it will be for you.

 

 

You don't have to be thinking "how do I do this for the longterm" yet.

Right now, you should focus on "how to maintain NC for the next week or two."

One day at a time is how you're going to get through this phase. Your goal for the day (each day) is to NOT try to contact him, to push him out of your mind as much as possible.

 

Once it stops hurting, you can worry about 'long term.'

 

FG, as an xMM I was wondering if I could pick your brain?

If your xOW had told your wife, or made it happen so that she found out, not once but three times, would you have blamed her? Told her she had ruined your life, left you with nothing, no relationship, roof over your head etc?

Also, I read your post, about how much you missed her... is it possible that inspite of the anger he has for me right now that he misses me too? And that will eventually lead him to make contact? How much of a risk is it I'm running by not blocking him?

Finally - if your W had found out about xOW 3 times, would she have taken you back.

I know everyone's situation is different, I guess I'm just trying to get a better insight into the whole A thing...

[Flabbergaster]

the real test will be if he does get in touch, which is why I asked in my other post if people thought he would be so that I can be prepared, because if he catches me off guard it could put me back to square one.

Follow my advice in that post. It's easy...evade and avoid. Never accept communication from him, never look at it. Burn before reading.

 

I actually, really do hope he gets in touch so I can tell him to go and **** himself, I will rue the day that I can say that to him, and I would die a happy lady if I can reject him the way he has rejected me.

My dear, revenge is a dish best served cold. Wait for it. Hold on to this anger a bit, to make sure you don't accept contact. And stop trying to contact him, anyone near him, or even learn of him.

The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. The best way you can hurt someone who desires you is by not carring about them. Begin by acting as though you don't even notice his existence...then let it slowly become true. That is the worst injury you could do to him, especially seeing as how he is affair prone (which implies emotional neediness).

 

FG, as an xMM I was wondering if I could pick your brain?

If your xOW had told your wife, or made it happen so that she found out, not once but three times, would you have blamed her? Told her she had ruined your life, left you with nothing, no relationship, roof over your head etc?

Forgive me, I need to start with some harsh reality, now. You need to slow down with these thoughts and just breath. Stop trying to mentally explore so many paths...focus on getting through the day of NC.

 

Here begins the harsh reality:

I am of the opinion that an AP should never tell the BS. For similar reason, I think governments should try to avoid entering / promoting civil wars. Once foreign soldiers entered Iraq (or Bosnia, or Serbia, or Vietnam, or Korea, or Mogadishu) the soldiers became the enemy. This is also why police hate being called in to deal with fighting couples. These are all volatile situations which should be avoided...because you just don't know what will happen. I do think that BS-1 has a right to tell BS-2, if they so desire. I think that is messy, but the wronged have rights.

 

Personally, I would have been upset with xOW if she told the W. If she did it during the A, i would have been upset that she was selfishly trying to 'force' me into a course of action on her timeframe. Perhaps I already had a plan and a timeframe for a D? Perhaps I was trying to avoid getting taken to the cleaners in a D? Perhaps I wanted to handle it myself? If she did it after the A...I would have felt betrayed by a move that was out of revenge.

 

I think whether this anger turns into blaming the OW depends on the person, and also the M and A. I tend to blame others for my problems, it is true. I hope that I would not blame her simply because she unveiled the truth.

Why do I think he chose to blame you, in this position?

 

His actions indicate he is trying to save the M. That should be your guide away from this mess. If he is trying to save the M, he is trying to protect it from you. He needs to think of himself as a good guy w.r.t. his wife, so now he is blaming you. He's probably telling her that you brainwashed him You and I know different...and you should be insulted by the thought of him lying like that...FIND YOUR PRIDE and stand up and walk away, my dear.

 

Also, I read your post, about how much you missed her... is it possible that inspite of the anger he has for me right now that he misses me too? And that will eventually lead him to make contact? How much of a risk is it I'm running by not blocking him?

If he is going to come back to you for real, not for "be my backdoor mistress," he needs to finish dealing with the mess he is in. This will take weeks, if not months, if not longer, of soul searching. If he contacts you now, it will not be to start an R with you. It will be to rekindle the A, on even worse terms for you than it was before.

 

If he did actually love you, then I'm sure he misses you and it hurts. I would also remind that he chose her over you. he's not going to change direction until he tries it with her. If you try to push him / her further, you are only helping to strengthen their M by presenting an attack for them to defend against.

 

Give him time to stop reacting, and he will figure out what he really wants. Don't assume he's coming back, don't accept his calls until he is divorced.

 

My situation is a bit different...if I were single she would not come back. She's probably not missing me, not much at least.

 

How about a compromise? If he contacts you, respond with "I can no longer have contact with you while you are married. This A has been damaging to both of us, we need to end it and stop communicating to prevent further harm. If you are single and recovered from this mess, send me a postcard with those words and / or have a third party contact me on your behalf. Please do not attempt to contact me again until those conditions exist. I wish you a wonderful and happy life, good luck finding yourself after this mess." Then you go into "full block" mode. Better yet...send him that note in a few days, and then go into full block mode. DO NOT expect or look for a response to this NC note.

 

Don't respond to anything else from him. Don't tell him off, don't read what he wrote / said and then respond to it. That will allow him to try to get control of you, put you back into your place as neglected mistress.

 

This way you can consider there is a chance in the future, if things are different. I know how comforting that is, in the beginning of NC. This way you also protect yourself from further harm.

 

Finally - if your W had found out about xOW 3 times, would she have taken you back.

I know everyone's situation is different, I guess I'm just trying to get a better insight into the whole A thing...

Dear, every woman, man, and M is different. Some BS leave after an EA without sex is revealed. Some stay when the AP is involved in conception and birth of a child, and the A hasn't ended. There are many reasons she could have taken him back. Not many women would be so tolerant, apparently she is. It's pointless to compare her to other BS. Some of them will want divorce immediately because evolution wires us to throw out WS, some of them will be more rational and consider their 'true feelings,' not just the act of betrayal.

Don't think of her as the enemy, she isn't the enemy. She's a victim of betrayal and insult, regardless of what type of wife she is. He lost right to blame her for the problems when he chose to have an A rather than a D.

[Rooke]

Follow my advice in that post. It's easy...evade and avoid. Never accept communication from him, never look at it. Burn before reading.

 

 

My dear, revenge is a dish best served cold. Wait for it. Hold on to this anger a bit, to make sure you don't accept contact. And stop trying to contact him, anyone near him, or even learn of him.

The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. The best way you can hurt someone who desires you is by not carring about them. Begin by acting as though you don't even notice his existence...then let it slowly become true. That is the worst injury you could do to him, especially seeing as how he is affair prone (which implies emotional neediness).

 

 

Forgive me, I need to start with some harsh reality, now. You need to slow down with these thoughts and just breath. Stop trying to mentally explore so many paths...focus on getting through the day of NC.

 

Here begins the harsh reality:

I am of the opinion that an AP should never tell the BS. For similar reason, I think governments should try to avoid entering / promoting civil wars. Once foreign soldiers entered Iraq (or Bosnia, or Serbia, or Vietnam, or Korea, or Mogadishu) the soldiers became the enemy. This is also why police hate being called in to deal with fighting couples. These are all volatile situations which should be avoided...because you just don't know what will happen. I do think that BS-1 has a right to tell BS-2, if they so desire. I think that is messy, but the wronged have rights.

 

Personally, I would have been upset with xOW if she told the W. If she did it during the A, i would have been upset that she was selfishly trying to 'force' me into a course of action on her timeframe. Perhaps I already had a plan and a timeframe for a D? Perhaps I was trying to avoid getting taken to the cleaners in a D? Perhaps I wanted to handle it myself? If she did it after the A...I would have felt betrayed by a move that was out of revenge.

 

I think whether this anger turns into blaming the OW depends on the person, and also the M and A. I tend to blame others for my problems, it is true. I hope that I would not blame her simply because she unveiled the truth.

Why do I think he chose to blame you, in this position?

 

His actions indicate he is trying to save the M. That should be your guide away from this mess. If he is trying to save the M, he is trying to protect it from you. He needs to think of himself as a good guy w.r.t. his wife, so now he is blaming you. He's probably telling her that you brainwashed him You and I know different...and you should be insulted by the thought of him lying like that...FIND YOUR PRIDE and stand up and walk away, my dear.

 

 

If he is going to come back to you for real, not for "be my backdoor mistress," he needs to finish dealing with the mess he is in. This will take weeks, if not months, if not longer, of soul searching. If he contacts you now, it will not be to start an R with you. It will be to rekindle the A, on even worse terms for you than it was before.

 

If he did actually love you, then I'm sure he misses you and it hurts. I would also remind that he chose her over you. he's not going to change direction until he tries it with her. If you try to push him / her further, you are only helping to strengthen their M by presenting an attack for them to defend against.

 

Give him time to stop reacting, and he will figure out what he really wants. Don't assume he's coming back, don't accept his calls until he is divorced.

 

My situation is a bit different...if I were single she would not come back. She's probably not missing me, not much at least.

 

How about a compromise? If he contacts you, respond with "I can no longer have contact with you while you are married. This A has been damaging to both of us, we need to end it and stop communicating to prevent further harm. If you are single and recovered from this mess, send me a postcard with those words and / or have a third party contact me on your behalf. Please do not attempt to contact me again until those conditions exist. I wish you a wonderful and happy life, good luck finding yourself after this mess." Then you go into "full block" mode. Better yet...send him that note in a few days, and then go into full block mode. DO NOT expect or look for a response to this NC note.

 

Don't respond to anything else from him. Don't tell him off, don't read what he wrote / said and then respond to it. That will allow him to try to get control of you, put you back into your place as neglected mistress.

 

This way you can consider there is a chance in the future, if things are different. I know how comforting that is, in the beginning of NC. This way you also protect yourself from further harm.

 

 

Dear, every woman, man, and M is different. Some BS leave after an EA without sex is revealed. Some stay when the AP is involved in conception and birth of a child, and the A hasn't ended. There are many reasons she could have taken him back. Not many women would be so tolerant, apparently she is. It's pointless to compare her to other BS. Some of them will want divorce immediately because evolution wires us to throw out WS, some of them will be more rational and consider their 'true feelings,' not just the act of betrayal.

Don't think of her as the enemy, she isn't the enemy. She's a victim of betrayal and insult, regardless of what type of wife she is. He lost right to blame her for the problems when he chose to have an A rather than a D.

 

 

I think now he is involved in this mess, as he see's it, at my hands, then his desire for me will probably be non exsistent. It has also crossed my mind that never allowing him back into my life and not providing sex on tap, will hurt him. I may have to be patient for that, patience is a virtue and I can wait. However, I think it is unlikely he will be in touch and I will never know this pleasure.

I think I feel as though I regret this course of action now. I doubt that it has achieved anything and as you say, you can't possibly know what the result will be. I do feel though that in most cases it is inevitable that BS will find out. He did say to me a few days before Dday "I knew this would happen" This begs the question then why did he take the risk? It also begs the question why is he mad now when she has found out previously twice before and he has forgave me and come back to me. I asked him this five months ago and he had no answer.

It is very honest of you to admit you blame others for your problems and I appreciate your honesty.

I have no dount that everything he has told her has been a lie. I just hope she realises it is impossible to force someone into an R with you if that's not where they want to be.

If he was to come back to me when he was single, I would never enter any kind of R with him but I don't think that's an issue I need to deal with because it's not really a possibility.

I realise every situation is different, I just feel that understanding may be a path to closure.

I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you taking the time to offer me these insights, it really means so much

[Owl]

Rooke, I'd like to give you a few things to consider as well.

 

First...it's one thing to 'try to understand'. But realize that doing so often becomes a substitute for contact for many people. It becomes a method to "hold on to" that affair now that its over.

 

Strive to "let it go". You'll never have all the answers...closure is just a buzzword. Recognize that it's over, grieve the end of the relationship...and move on.

 

Stop letting yourself focus on what may be going on in his world...it's no longer part of yours, and the only thing it will accomplish is a delay in your own recovery.

 

What are you doing in your world to help you recover? How are you filling your time, spending your energy? Focus on changing those patterns...and you'll recover much more quickly than you would remaining in the same ruts.

[Rooke]

Rooke, I'd like to give you a few things to consider as well.

 

First...it's one thing to 'try to understand'. But realize that doing so often becomes a substitute for contact for many people. It becomes a method to "hold on to" that affair now that its over.

 

Strive to "let it go". You'll never have all the answers...closure is just a buzzword. Recognize that it's over, grieve the end of the relationship...and move on.

 

Stop letting yourself focus on what may be going on in his world...it's no longer part of yours, and the only thing it will accomplish is a delay in your own recovery.

What are you doing in your world to help you recover? How are you filling your time, spending your energy? Focus on changing those patterns...and you'll recover much more quickly than you would remaining in the same ruts.

 

I think I'm in that weird limbo stage where I just don't know how I feel.

Do I miss him? I don't know.

Do I want him back? I don't know.

How will I stay strong if he get's in touch? I don't know.

 

I really just don't know how I feel at this stage.

[Owl]

Perhaps that needs to be your first real step.

 

What do you really want out of all of this?

 

The two of them to divorce so he can be with you?

 

Continue on the way things have been?

 

Find someone who can be who you need now?

 

Whichever....you need to pick a goal.

 

Then figure out what you need to do in order to meet that goal.

 

Establish a gameplan.

 

Enact your plan to reach your goal.

 

Right now, you're sitting there WAITING for whatever you get. It's all dependent on HIM.

 

It's passive.

 

Start taking some positive ACTION to get what you need in life...one way or another.

[Rooke]

Perhaps that needs to be your first real step.

 

What do you really want out of all of this?

 

The two of them to divorce so he can be with you?

 

Continue on the way things have been?

 

Find someone who can be who you need now?

 

Whichever....you need to pick a goal.

 

Then figure out what you need to do in order to meet that goal.

 

Establish a gameplan.

 

Enact your plan to reach your goal.

 

Right now, you're sitting there WAITING for whatever you get. It's all dependent on HIM.

 

It's passive.

 

Start taking some positive ACTION to get what you need in life...one way or another.

 

I don't feel as though I have a choice in what my goal is. He hates me right now and I doubt he'll ever want to be with me again, so if those were even my goals, I can't force him to want me and for us to reconcile.

[Owl]

Then your goal is to grieve the loss of and recover from the end of this relationship.

 

And...to protect yourself from being sucked back into it again when/if he tries to do so.

 

So...what steps do you need to take in order to reach these goals?

 

I can think of several, but it's better for YOU to focus on these.

[Rooke]

Then your goal is to grieve the loss of and recover from the end of this relationship.

 

And...to protect yourself from being sucked back into it again when/if he tries to do so.

 

So...what steps do you need to take in order to reach these goals?

 

I can think of several, but it's better for YOU to focus on these.

 

I have certain goals in place.

I think more than anything, I'm scared of staying strong.

[Owl]

Rooke, sorry if I'm being a pain. I'm one of those people who believe in taking action to fix issues directly...being passive rarely gets the results that you want.

 

With that said...if what you want is to start moving towards a resolution...let me know and I'll be glad to keep posting.

 

If you're wanting a different kind of support...say so and I'll step back and let you get advice from people more capable of providing what you're looking for.

 

No offense intended...honestly trying to help you get what you need/want.