supernaturalove Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 So I've been dating my boyfriend for 1 1/2. It was one of those whirlwind, everything is perfect courtships. Except he started to become obsessed with know my past and insuring that I was a "good person". Why? He comes from an abusive and dysfunctional family background and wanted to insure that whomever he fell in love with was not like that. His mother was an abusive, adultress, bipoloar acoholic. (I know her and have experienced her crazy) so I can understand why he wanted to be sure he can trust me. Well, he insisted that we each tell everything about our sexual past. I don't have much to tell, I've been the typical "good girl" but told him about every boy I'd been with anyway. He made me promise that I told him everything, and he told me his past and promised that he held nothing back. I didn't even want to know everything, but since he felt he needed to confess, I heard him out. Well, there was one thing I didn't say, but it had NOTHING to do with my past with guys, but I thought it was something he'd want to know. About 5 yrs ago I posed nude for an ART PHOTOGRAPHY class. It wasn't anything sexy, just a student group. I didn't tell him because 1. it wasn't what he asked about. 2. I was afraid of his reaction. I felt bad and a couple months later I told him about it. He was very hurt and felt I had lied to him and wasn't honest. He felt like he didn't know who I was etc. I didn't see it that way, it's not what he asked about, but since we were getting more serious I decided he should know. He almost broke up with me, until I apologized and promised that I had told everything. Everything was going amazing great until yesterday when he told me he had a confession to make: When he was 20 (about ten years ago) he went to Amsterdam with some buddies and did it up at the red light district, I guess he slept with 5 prostitutes in total while he was there and did a lot of drugs. I knew he had a history with drugs and women, and surprisingly enough I'm not that upset that he slept with those women, but I'm so hurt that he lied for over a year, and made me feel so bad about taking some art pics! He put me through the ringer to prove I was "moral" several times, but all this time he was hiding this very big thing. What's worse is, he didn't ask him to confess his past, he VOLUNTEERED and then PROMISED that he told me everything. Why would he create a situation in which he had to lie? Why not just say "forget the past"? Should I forgive him? Am I the hypocrite? I don't think he is a perv or anything, he's the sweetest man I've ever known, and until now I thought he was the most honest and pure-hearted as well.
WillSingForFood Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 He's a hypocrite and obviously has some issues he needs to work out. He has a bad past that you can't overlook, and that should be a red flag that he wont be the most honest of guys you'll ever meet. It seems to me though that he wanted to make you as mad and hurt as you made him with the art pics, which is very childish. Has he ever had therapy? If not, suggest him to go, it could do him some good. In the meantime, work out how you feel about trusting him from now on, knowing what you now know about him. Do you think you'll be able to in the long run? Or will you have to continuously ask yourself "what else is he hiding?" If you've lost your trust for him, then this relationship isnt going to work out, no matter what; and if he has major trust issues as well, then it will just be a matter of time before something happens to tear you apart.
Nexus One Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 He was being a hypocrite. He holds you up to high standards, but not himself. I happen to know guys like that and they're not exactly the loyal types, i.e. they cheat. That doesn't mean it applies to your guy though, keep that in mind.
Irishlove Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 If someone told me that I would suspect he had HIV. I would get tested fast. Huge red flag. That would turn my stomach and I could not date a guy who stooped that low. He put you at risk.
Author supernaturalove Posted April 18, 2011 Author Posted April 18, 2011 Well, I should note that I told him about the pics maybe 10 months ago, so his confession isn't really related to mine. Also when we first started dating we both were tested for stds, we are both monogamous. I'm not worried about him cheating, we pratically live together, and we also work together a lot, so we spend an incredible amount of time together. I see him probably 5-6 days a week. There's very little space between us... He was in counseling and actually he said his counselor advised him not to tell me...
Nexus One Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 If someone told me that I would suspect he had HIV. I would get tested fast. Huge red flag. That would turn my stomach and I could not date a guy who stooped that low. He put you at risk. If I'm not mistaking the prostitutes in Amsterdam require men to wear condoms and they get tested regularly. Prostitution in The Netherlands is legalized and government regulated and the prostitutes pay taxes as if they were employees, freelancers or business owners. If prostitution is handled well anywhere, it's in The Netherlands. The same goes for drugs. Drug use in The Netherlands is actually relatively much lower than in other countries. Drug crime in The Netherlands is a lot lower too, because people don't actually have to break the law to get drugs, they just go to a coffee shop or grow shop and pick the flavor of drugs that they want. It's like buying an ice cream and glancing over all the flavors and pondering which one to take. No shady alley deals, no huge drug cartels, mostly just business owners trying to make a profit and clients that want to relax. And in the case you were wondering, no I didn't f*ck any prostitutes or used any drugs when I was in Amsterdam, but you do get to see how it works over there when you visit.
milkmaterial Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 how shallow of him..dont let him make you feel bad.
Professor X Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 If I'm not mistaking the prostitutes in Amsterdam require men to wear condoms and they get tested regularly. Prostitution in The Netherlands is legalized and government regulated and the prostitutes pay taxes as if they were employees, freelancers or business owners. You are 100% right. As a person who's been to the red light district in Amsterdam I can assure you they are all using condoms with their clients. To the OP, not to sound rude, but your bf sounds like a total retard. What I don't get, and you should ask yourself this as well, is this part: "insure that whomever he fell in love with was not like that" - So he came out of that environment just "fine" but there's no way others could?? So everyone else gotta be perfect while he's being ****? that's what I get from that kind of logic that he has. As Nexus One said: "He was being a hypocrite. He holds you up to high standards, but not himself. I happen to know guys like that and they're not exactly the loyal types, i.e. they cheat. That doesn't mean it applies to your guy though, keep that in mind." I also happen to know a few of those guys and they also cheat.
TaraMaiden Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 His demanding 110% honesty with you, to the point of obsession is a form of neurosis. he knows there are imperfections in him, so he deflects his defects and failings onto you. if he can at least control you and make you behave in a way he knows he should behave, at least, even if he has no control over himself, he can sleep safely in the knowledge that at least he can control you. Remember he has a mental disorder history in his family. And he's seeing a therapist. This is a hand-grenade with the pin pulled... and someone's desperately holding the safety lever..... I would consider this man (in spite of all his wonderful qualities) as suspect....
Untouchable_Fire Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 He may not want a woman like his mother... but clearly some of her crazy has rubbed off. I would classify him as high risk for cheating. Not to say he will... but lots of red flags and #1 is his mom.
Flgirl44 Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 He has guilt over what he considers to be good moral behavior vs. how he actually acts and he projected that onto you. You have to be careful when people voluntarily offer up information. I had an ex that did this while revealing his cheating, he would voluntarily offer up info on the tryst but come to find out later that info was either wrong, or greatly downplayed and it turns out there were many more lies he hadn't even revealed about the whole thing. It was his way of feeling righteous. Like oh two pats for me telling the truth.... all to relieve the guilt of living his dichotomy of moral understanding vs. actions. You know the saying when you point your finger you got three pointing back at you...
Flgirl44 Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 His demanding 110% honesty with you, to the point of obsession is a form of neurosis. he knows there are imperfections in him, so he deflects his defects and failings onto you. if he can at least control you and make you behave in a way he knows he should behave, at least, even if he has no control over himself, he can sleep safely in the knowledge that at least he can control you. Remember he has a mental disorder history in his family. And he's seeing a therapist. This is a hand-grenade with the pin pulled... and someone's desperately holding the safety lever..... I would consider this man (in spite of all his wonderful qualities) as suspect.... I wanted to say this but it kept coming out wrong so I will say that I agree. Control issues...not good.
daphne Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 I vote serious hypocrite. I don't care what his therapist told him. There's no reason for him to demand to know your past sexual history to ensure purity while he's out screwing prostitutes. That's a big can of controlling nonsense.
lolo1234 Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 His demanding 110% honesty with you, to the point of obsession is a form of neurosis. he knows there are imperfections in him, so he deflects his defects and failings onto you. if he can at least control you and make you behave in a way he knows he should behave, at least, even if he has no control over himself, he can sleep safely in the knowledge that at least he can control you. Remember he has a mental disorder history in his family. And he's seeing a therapist. This is a hand-grenade with the pin pulled... and someone's desperately holding the safety lever..... I would consider this man (in spite of all his wonderful qualities) as suspect.... I agree with this. He sounds very controlling. Does he make you feel bad about anything else in your relationship?
SoleMate Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 I vote serious hypocrite. I don't care what his therapist told him. There's no reason for him to demand to know your past sexual history to ensure purity while he's out screwing prostitutes. That's a big can of controlling nonsense. Agree totallly.
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