cantforget Posted April 7, 2004 Posted April 7, 2004 Hi I am new and would appreciate opinions. I was married and started seeing another man who was engaged a year and a half ago. I fell pregnant after a few months (my husbands child). The other man (shall we call him M) decided he loved me and wanted to keep seeing me anyway. I also loved him but wanted to give my husband a chance to be in his childs life so therefor the affair continued. M was afraid I would never leave my husband and did not want to be on his own so he married his fiance saying that whenever I wanted to leave my husband he would leave her. After the baby was born my husband and I moved interstate but I could not forget about M so the affair continued via phone and email. After a couple of months and alot of arguments between my husband and I, I decided I would leave husband to persue relationship with M. M than left his wife a couple of weeks later. We still live long distance from each other (3 hour drive) because I live with my family. He wants to sort out finances with ex etc before committing to me. He has moved out of their home but will not tell anyone about our relationship for fear people will realise it was going on all along (alot of our friends suspected). I say if he loves me then who cares what other people think. I cant visit him because the people he lives with dont know about us and he never comes to see me. Even though we are both single we may as well be still having an affair. Now he tells me that he cant do the LD relationship anymore and wants to take time to sort his life out so we can have a proper relationship. He says he still loves me and still wants to keep contact. I told him that I dont want to wait forever (even though I probably would) and he says he knows he is taking a risk but cant keep going on like this. I would love to tell him to stick it and go meet someone else but I cant go out much cause of my little girl and I live in a small town anyway so the pickings are pretty slim. I love him so much but dont know what to do anymore. Advice please?
Arabess Posted April 7, 2004 Posted April 7, 2004 Hi I am new and would appreciate opinions. I was married and started seeing another man who was engaged a year and a half ago. I fell pregnant after a few months (my husbands child). The other man (shall we call him M) decided he loved me and wanted to keep seeing me anyway. I also loved him but wanted to give my husband a chance to be in his childs life so therefor the affair continued. M was afraid I would never leave my husband and did not want to be on his own so he married his fiance saying that whenever I wanted to leave my husband he would leave her. Let me see if I can sort this out. You are married. You began to see another man who was currently engagedto another woman. You became pregnant.....from your husband though. You wanted to 'give your husband a chance'.....WHILE deciding to continue seeing another man. The other man, tired of waiting.....decided to marry his fiance. With the agreement being....IF you get a divorce....he too wil get one. I RARELY pass judgement.....but this one leaves me no choice beyond saying you and Cabana Boy deserve each other. You will never get together though. I SUSPECT your only chance of survival is remaining with the SCHMUCKS.....who support you individually.
sportsloving Posted April 7, 2004 Posted April 7, 2004 Just curious, how old are you and this man? Who is raising your daughter? And since you are now both "single" he has broken it off? Oh my that is a new one. I wish you tons of luck, I just hope that you remember that no matter what happens in your love life.... YOU brought a precious and innocent babe to the world. Take care of that kiddo and show it all the love you can.
Author cantforget Posted April 7, 2004 Author Posted April 7, 2004 Guess I didnt expect anyone to pat me on the back but my bed is made now so I have to work with what I got. I dont mind criticism but I would hope that it would be contsructive. Trust me I am being punished ten fold now. Not that it should make a difference but I am 24 and he is 26. And I am looking after my daughter 100% and not a soul in this world, friend or foe, would say I am a bad mother cause thank god thats the one thing I've got right in my life. Just so you know.
sportsloving Posted April 7, 2004 Posted April 7, 2004 Hey, I didn't mean to make you feel as if I was attacking you... and I am sorry if I did. I dont mind criticism but I would hope that it would be contsructive. Trust me I am being punished ten fold now. You aren't getting punished, you are being forced to deal with the decisions and choices you have made. Life can't punish you... it can only go the direction you have choosen. (And I bet that makes no sense!) Anywhos... I think perhaps your next step is to seek counseling. I wonder why you were seeking another man a few months after your marriage to begin with... let alone everything else on top of it. I do wish you luck, and again apologize if you felt I personally attacked you. Best Wishes~
Reckless Posted April 7, 2004 Posted April 7, 2004 Well it's not easy to be constructive - still here goes: 1. Forget your ex lover. He was not a quality human being and has proved untrustworthy. You say you are in 'a confusing relationship'. From what I can see you are in NO relationship at all but in case you do still have contact with him in some way, 'constructively' I'd say stop! You don't have to 'want' to stop it you just have to stop all contact with. Tell him that you are NOT waiting and that your affair it over. With time you'll mean it (especially when you find out he already has another girlfriend as he undoubtedly has). 2. Forget about meeting new men for the moment. No offence to your ex husband, but you may need to learn to identify better character in people before you get back in the dating game. Concentrate on getting your life together and creating a happy and stable life for yourself and your child. Learn about being single for a while; Home, work, church if you're a believer; building strong friendships, maybe seeking counseling or joining support groups for single mothers. These things will help you become a truly attractive woman in the future - you're only 24 it's far from over. 3. Learn about love and commitment and what it means. You will go through life making the same (bad) choices if you do not learn why you felt it was okay to be married and make such an odious agreement as you did with your lover. This isn't to beat you when you're down but it seems to me instead of realizing that you lover is full of BS excuses and used you to free himself of a marriage he didn't want in the first place, you are effectively asking how you can get this low class person back in your life. This sounds like a woman that will go back and make the same c*@p choices later in life. Read up on personal growth, read about the kinds of women you want your daughter to emulate. Aim for a happy, full independent life and you'll eventually meet someone worthy of it. You've made some horrible choices make some good ones from now on. Hope this was of help.
Author cantforget Posted April 8, 2004 Author Posted April 8, 2004 I am not the church type thanks anyway but some of the other bits of advice were good. I am going out with friends this weekend so that should be a nice distraction. I am not trying to make excuses for this guy. I agree neither of us could have been happy in our previous relationships if we went looking elsewhere, but I honestly believe he married her because he didnt want to end up alone. Is that right? Of course not, but she could have stopped this herself. She could tell he was not happy with her but was so in love with the idea of a wedding she did not face the truth, I am not saying she deserves this, just that she let stupid white wedding fantasies cloud her judgement. To be honest if he rings me up and says he wants me back now then I would probably say yes. But for the moment I have ceased contact with him and am trying to find happiness in my life without him, so yes, my daughter will grow up watching a strong independent mother and will someday emulate those qualities herself. I am sure you all think I deserve what I get if I take him back and maybe that is so, but I do believe there is a good person there, I just feel he is very confused, call me naieve but just because a person has had difficulties in the past I dont believe one should give up all faith in ones gut feeling. After all, at the end of the day what else have we got.
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