confused1989 Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 Well a week from today my ex is going to hawaii without me when we were supposed to be going together but then broke up. I have her hidden from my news feed, and she has her privacy settings set so that I can't comment on her posts or pictures, or 'like' anything. Now I don't know why someone would do this unless they were dealing with a psycho. I would not have commented or liked anything anyway, but it was definitely confusing when I first found out. Anyway my question is why are we even friends on Facebook? If she is going to put restrictions on what I see, and at the same time I'm not even looking at her page (noticed that 3 weeks ago and haven't been on it since), then I don't see the point of being Facebook friends in a way. So I am not sure what to do. The main problem here is #1) she's going to hawaii on "our" trip next week and regardless of if I have her hidden from my feed or not all it takes it a mutual friend to comment on her picture and it shows up sometimes. #2) i'm sure she'll be tanned and looking better than usual and as soon as she gets home she's going away to a different town to live for a month or for the summer i'm not sure, haven't been keeping tabs on her, but there are lots of changes for her in the next couple of months and I don't want to see a thumbnail display picture of her looking good or her with someone else. I am doing well and improving but this whole hawaii thing has been a huge anxiety issue for me since we broke up, since I was supposed to be there and all. I can improve all I want but until she actually goes there and comes back and all that crap I'm going to have a bit of anxiety over it. The only reasons I don't want to delete her is because Idon't want to look weak, she's been on my list since we broke up a couple of months ago although I only completely cut her off about a month ago. I felt like I made a lot of the big decisions here. I was the one who deleted her off blackberry messenger, I was the one who cancelled our relationship status after she had it "hidden" from everyone anyway, and I was the one who told her we can't talk anymore. I am a sensitive guy, moreso than I want to be, and doing all of that took a lot of effort and it hurt a lot. So I don't know if I want to be the one to delete her off Facebook or not. Mixed feelings.......
radiodarcy Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 i would suggest thinking about you feelings and not how you're going to look to her. if you you don't feel you can handle seeing her updates when she gets back from hawaii then delete her. don't worry about how it looks to her. what she thinks isn't relevant; what you think and feel *is* because you're the one who has to go through the pain - - not her. she's going to be off tanning in hawaii - - she could care less. i know my ex thought i was lame for deleting him off fb. but i don't care. i deleted him for the sake of my own sanity. because it hurt too much seeing him flirt with other girls and post a diff profile picture every other week of him partying it up. as far as i'm concerned i did myself a favor. i swear my blood pressure must have dropped once i stopped looking at all that crap. and you'll be doing yourself one too. i'm pretty sensitive too. which is why i know if i was in your shoes - - it would hurt me a lot more to see those post vacay posts than it would to delete her...
sabienne Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 I agree with radiodarcy. I deleted my ex off facebook - even though he was the dumper. I did it for me because I constantly checked up on him and got so paranoid about any girls I didn't know in any of his photos. I analyzed his posts and got hung up on when he would come on chat. Now, I wouldn't sit outside his house watching his coming and goings - so why was I doing the same online? It was unhealthy. Also facebook for me is for friends. I asked myself, do I want to be his friend? No. I want to be his girlfriend. I can't be that, so deleted. It's hard. But knowing your ex is having a life without you - and chose to have a life without you and is enjoying it - is harder. You sound like you have been very mature and rational by deleting her off messengers and taking steps to heal yourself. Well done and keep it up!
Banega100 Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 Don't delete her, keep her hidden like you say. Hide all her immediate friends and family too. Deleting her does make you look like a bit of a girl. Then, stay off facebook for a month or so. Get active and do other things. Are you truly getting that much out of it? Just engage in other things. good luck mate
Author confused1989 Posted April 18, 2011 Author Posted April 18, 2011 Nice to hear two different sides of it. The reason I posted this actually is because although she's hidden we have too many mutual friends and one commented on her status this morning so my ex's status showed up in my news feed which was "one week till the sun and sand <3" and it definitely made me think what a cold heartless b*tch to rub that in my face and put that on Facebook after it was supposed to be "our" trip and she kicked me out of it for no reason other than that she lost feelings for me and broke things off. Yeah although I am improving this has been the worst breakup I've ever had in terms of she has no respect towards me, never did, and has bombarded me with mind games ever since the breakup, although thankfully I have been able to avoid her. But everytime I do see her it's something else rubbed in my face. I see both sides of what you guys are saying. I have done a lot to show that she has affected me and that I care about her, although mind you I haven't showed anything like that in over a month now. I don't want to look completlely weak and delete her and this just show her further that I'm the scum that she thinks I am (although no one else thinks i'm scum), but at the same time I'm not sure if I can handle her crap from hawaii. I guess just staying off of it for a month would probably help for starters.
flitzanu Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 exactly how is your ex going to know you deleted her? you mean, if she stalks her friends list and checks every day to make sure you're there? you're not together anymore. it's your ex. that means moving on and not being together, hence, delete her. you're not friends, you're not dating, you're not a couple. she wants out of your life? give it to her. remove her from your life completely.
Chi townD Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 Agreed. In my opinion, deleting her from Facebook is part of the healing process. Cut her out of your life. My question to you is, did you make plans for next week? Take a trip somewhere! Get out of familiar surroundings. Believe me, it will help take your mind off of it!
PinkChic Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 I'm in the same position. I know in my heart I MUST delete him off facebook. It's not healthy to know what he is doing, when he is doing it and with whom he is doing it. We are human... we will begin to think WE should be there with them. Cheers to new beginings!
Author confused1989 Posted April 19, 2011 Author Posted April 19, 2011 flitzanu, she'll just know. I don't know if she's keeping tabs on me per se, and I highly doubt she is, but I know for sure after a couple of days she'd notice. Yeah I know, I feel like by having her on my friends list that I'm giving her the message that we're friends. It also lets her see what I'm up to if she wanted to. Another thing that is bothering me is that she has her privacy settings set so that I can't comment or 'like' anything, yet any status I make she 'likes' it. It's a bit weird, and I don't know why she'd prevent me from doing that yet do it to me. It kind of sends a message to other people too that I still talk to her, even though I don't. Chi, well thankfully my university semester and career just ended today. So I will be out of familiar surroundings. However, I am going on a road trip with friends this weekend, but I won't be gone away for the whole time that she's in hawaii. She's there for about 12 days, and I'm going a few days before she leaves to go there and coming back when she's probably on her 3rd or 4th day there. Best I can do though for now. Thanks Pink... I agree. I don't know why I can't just do it. I don't even look at her profile anymore, or really gather anything about her from being on Facebook anymore. I guess it's just the whole looking weak thing. She told me off hardcore when I removed her off blackberry messenger.
dng Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 Thanks Pink... I agree. I don't know why I can't just do it. I don't even look at her profile anymore, or really gather anything about her from being on Facebook anymore. I guess it's just the whole looking weak thing. She told me off hardcore when I removed her off blackberry messenger. Hey buddy, what are you talking about, weak? It makes you look strong, you dont need her and you don't care or need to know what she's up to. You already "deleted" each other by using restricted profiles anyway, who cares if you go the whole way? Show her what's up and what the consequences of a breakup are.
The_411 Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 I would ask why you even have a facebook to begin with but that's another discussion. Delete her and be done with it. She's dead to you. No reason to keep ties. Only reason to not delete is if you don't use facebook or do on rare occasions and then you will come across as caring too much.
Author confused1989 Posted April 20, 2011 Author Posted April 20, 2011 dng, I guess that is one way to look at it. I never saw it that way. I just saw it as being hurting over her and having to delete her to deal with it. But you're right. I don't see the point in being FB friends with her if she has her profile restricted from me anyway, combined with the fact that I'm not even going to check it or want to check it. It was a pretty big slap in the face for her to restrict it anyway. Since she has been all Ms. Happy since we broke up I am still not really past the anger stage yet. I wish this could happen soon because I had a period where I was doing really well, and lately I have been stuck big time. Maybe getting rid of her off FB will help, I don't know. I really don't know why I'm so stuck. My mind is just playing tricks on me. I can't see myself being together with her anymore, she has done way too much to me, and she doesn't feel like the same person to me and I really don't know if I could trust her again. But once again my mind is playing tricks on me and it keeps forgetting about all the crap she's done.
Author confused1989 Posted April 20, 2011 Author Posted April 20, 2011 411 yeah, it seems the consensus is that I should delete her. And I agree with you I really think Facebook causes a lot of unnecessary stuff. It also makes moving on from someone a lot harder. I don't understand why this is in my case, because I have been ignoring her in the FB world, but for some reason there's something about it that's bothering me. I guess it's just the fact that I know she's there, I know she can see what I'm doing.
whichwayisup Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 I have her hidden from my news feed, and she has her privacy settings set so that I can't comment on her posts or pictures, or 'like' anything. Delete her. Just do it. What's the point of having her on facebook? All it will do is make you want to keep tabs on her, to see what she's up to.
flitzanu Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 we arent trying to be dicks, just been there done that i set myself back WEEKS by seeing new dudes' pics on my exes page.
kaws Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 I'm going through the same thing. I deleted my ex, we went through NC for almost a month, and it felt horrible cause I still liked her. Having her around felt like I was stopping myself to move on. I was tempted to check up on her facebook, or blackberry messages. I was Ghost and had no social life, because of her. So i deleted her and As much as it sucks now, but I know I will feel better in the long run knowing I don't have to deal with her **** again. My self esteem was shattered so I'm trying to fix myself up again. And having her around to prove that point is not worth it. She changed my perception of relationships, but I'm becoming a better men out of all of this. So delete her, and start fresh again, keep yourself busy.
EmperorR Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Delete and block Who cares what she thinks she's not your girlfriend what is she going to do? Dump you? The day I deleted my ex and stopped checking her page was a good day
confused_blondie Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 I agree with Emperor. Delete and block. I deleted my ex as soon as we split up as I know I didn't want to see him moving on as it would hurt to much. I knew I would be checking his page all the time. I've finally just blocked him as he kept messaging me on fb as I wasn't answering my texts. I think he's finally got the message. I want to move on. Not be reminded of him. I need to heal and so do you. Delete and block.
sabienne Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Confused1989 - she went off at you when you deleted her off blackberry? Ok, so she will more than likely do the same when you do it on fb. I'm not psychologist but it sounds like your ex wants the ego trip. She wants her freedom, but she wants to know you still adore her and are there for her when she wants you to be. Don't give her that power! I hate to turn it into mind games but it sounds like she enjoys manipulating you and having you at her call. Is she under 22? A lot of girls behave like this when they're under 22, especially if they have been the traditionally popular/hot girls during high school/college. They arent used to not having attention and not having men do what they want. They will grow up eventually, but you don't need to hang around and put up with her crap while she does. If she tells you off, respond along the lines of reminding her the breakup was her idea, and this is what you need. Be selfish. Be mature. Be calm. Be the best you can be for you.
Author confused1989 Posted April 21, 2011 Author Posted April 21, 2011 Hey guys thanks for all the replies. That's true EmperorR, I guess things between her and I can't get much worse anyway, all she can do about it is complain which is just because she can't handle rejection. And she will put any blame she can on me to make herself feel better. and I guess the answer here is more clear-cut than I thought it would be. sabienne, yes she is 21 years old. I guess I just know that I still care about her a lot although I know we aren't right for each other, so I definiely have to prepare for what she will say when I do delete her, and try to make sure it doesn't get to me as much. My ideas of right and wrong are definitely a bit screwed up because of my relationship with her, she's taught me to blame myself for a lot of things and I'm still trying to recover from that and change my thinking patterns. She has definitely made me feel low and made me question everything I've ever done while she is ms perfect in her eyes. She does believe she deserves a lot for sure. In high school she was teased a bit and wasn't the most popular girl by any means (this was before I knew her but she's told me and I've heard stories) and she was definitely a little insecure. But she's a great looking girl and she gets more attention now in college. But, what I've noticed is that guys don't naturally give her attention, she works hard for it by flirting and just trying real hard. But then again this is just my view on it, we went out almost 2 years and I still don't feel like I really knew her. But needless to say she's used to having what she wants, when she wants.
fetish Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 about 10 days after my break up with my ex, i went on my fb to change my relationship status to single but, i found out she beat me to it! Some of her friends had "likes" on her being single and she commented saying "God has a plan for my life and i intend to follow it!" My heart dropped. My self esteem and ego plummeted. She was always the one pushing the marriage plans. I litterally was singing soprano that night. I haven't cried that hard since i was a little boy. I didn't think my voice was capable of getting that high anymore. That's when i decided to delete her off my fb page altogether the next day. I felt a little bad because it felt like i was kicking her out of my life, but i had to look out for me. I didn't want to run the risk of her deleting me first or restricting me at all from any part of her page, or seeing her with pics of a new bf. The pain would've just been to unbearable. I did the right thing and i know its the best thing.
Author confused1989 Posted April 21, 2011 Author Posted April 21, 2011 fetish - that's very true. The big thing I'm realizing is that even if I decide that I didn't want to delete her for now, eventually I will want to. All it would take is for her to put that "single" status there (it was blank last time I checked last month) or put a picture of her and a new guy or "in a relationship" and then I would be deleting her in a heartbeat anyway. My ex had stupid statuses like that too when we first broke up and they killed me as well. Don't know what she's had up lately but I don't care either. Knowing your story and knowing that you had the strength to do this makes me really want to do it. It was pretty hurtful knowing that she had me restricted from things on her page. The part that made me furious was that she continues to 'like' every post i make, despite restricting me from doing the same. I don't know why but that seems really stupid to me. But yeah thanks everyone for your guys' input. This was just a hard decision for me to make because like you said fetish it's like fully kicking her out of your life, and I kicked her out in other ways and I just don't want any more added stress. But knowing that you did it let's me know I can do it too.
RamChops Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 +1 to deleting her ASAP. Have recently done the same to my ex-GF of 1.5 years, it was way too hard to see any posts of her throwing herself into her activities with barely a backwards glance, or hint of sadness. We had a minor breakup in January and the next day while I was feeling like I'd been kicked in the guts she posted pictures of her and her friends playing with Nerf guns FFS! (she's 25). So canned her from Twitter, Facebook and my phone, made the separation somewhat easier.
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