CanItGetBetter Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 So this is the first time I have ever spoken to anyone about this so it feels a bit strange, but here it goes. To give you a bit of background, we've been married for nearly 9 years, I'm 28 and my wife is 30. We have two kids, a 7yo boy and a 4yo girl. Like any couple we've had our ups and downs, we've been through some tough times (we were both unemployed when she was pregnant with the second child), but it actually brought us closer together at the time. We now have a good life, I'm a senior manager for a large company and she also has a full time job, so money is no longer a problem. On the downside, because we work different hours(in order to take care of the kids) we hardly see each other during the week, so we make the most of our weekends as a family to go out together. I know it sounds like everything is perfect so far but here is the problem, my wife seems to be unable to show any type of affection towards me, she has never been the "cuddly" type of person but in our private moments she always loved snuggling up to me and used to tell me she loved me everyday, but for the past 2 years she has grown more and more distant to the point that she seems to cringe every time I even come close to her. Regardless of that I have always made a point of not only telling her how much she means to mean, but also showing it (call me old fashioned but I love a bit of romance) but am now feeling the strain of a one sided effort. I feel like she doesn't want me or love me anymore and keep wondering what I have done wrong and constantly worrying about how I look. (I'm know I'm not bad looking, quite the contrary, but I now freak out just for putting on a couple of pounds). I find myself almost in tears everyday on the drive home, wondering if it's the day she is going to ask for divorce.(even now just typing this I feel myself on the verge of a meltdown). Even in bed it's become very one sided, I'm the one pleasuring her(which I love btw) but there's no return, she won't even touch me at all(and I mean AT ALL, ANYWHERE). I've tried talking to her but all I get is either, "Don't be silly, of course I still love you" or an angry "stop being an idiot". This weekend I walked up to her just give her a hug and she pushed me away and said "oh get lost, fed up with you already" I asked "what do you mean?" so she replied "You're always hugging and kissing me just back off", so am I being too clingy? bearing in mind we're only together for 10 mins per day and then a couple of hours to ourselves at weekends, I obviously want to make the most of the time and just be a couple. To finish(i've gone on too long) My self esteem has gone down the drain and i'm a nervous wreck(this morning I went to give her a goodbye peck before leaving for work and she just turned her cheek and I was physically shaking for at least 2 hours). PLEASE HELP ME OR I'LL BE INSANE VERY SOON.
novelwriter Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 My first question is: has her behavior with the kids changed? With others? Or is it just you? When you asked if you had done anything wrong, did she give you an answer? My gut tells me that you haven't, and maybe she has. Is there a chance is is detaching herself because she is seeing someone else? I hope not, but the option is there, I guess. Maybe her pulling away is guilt. Please don't let her cause you to have a breakdown. I know the rejection is hard, but you know, if your marriage were to end, so would these feelings. I'm sure you're a good husband and a good dad. It wouldn't be the end of the world. Good luck
Kivu Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 *hugs* First of all, I doubt you've just become suddenly hideous to her. It's not you, buck up, kiddo. Second, I think this is probably a symptom of something she's not happy about. I bet you she's trying to "punish" you because she's not happy about something else - she's being passive-aggressive and trying to show you nonverbally that something is wrong. Third, the more you try to cling to her the more she'll shove you away. What you need to do is STOP kissing her and STOP running after you. I guarantee you that she will notice, right away, and then it's very possible that she will want to talk to you about what is actually wrong. If she asks "why no kiss?" be direct with her and say you've noticed she doesn't seem to like it recently, and that you think something may be wrong, and you want her to tell you what it is. Finally, be prepared! What is actually wrong may be pretty terrible and you may not even know it's wrong! Definitely be prepared to listen, and give her feelings weight, and try to work on whatever it is... Hope this helps
Author CanItGetBetter Posted April 18, 2011 Author Posted April 18, 2011 My first question is: has her behavior with the kids changed? With others? Or is it just you? When you asked if you had done anything wrong, did she give you an answer? My gut tells me that you haven't, and maybe she has. Is there a chance is is detaching herself because she is seeing someone else? I hope not, but the option is there, I guess. Maybe her pulling away is guilt. Please don't let her cause you to have a breakdown. I know the rejection is hard, but you know, if your marriage were to end, so would these feelings. I'm sure you're a good husband and a good dad. It wouldn't be the end of the world. Good luck First of all, thanks for the reply. To answer your questions, she seems to have changed only with me. I did wonder about stress/depression but she is the same "happy go lucky" girl I married when with friends or family. Secondly, when I ask what's wrong all i get is a smirk accompanied by a very cold "nothing". Which for all accounts means "Something is wrong but it's none of your damned business". Thirdly I did consider that she may be having an affair, I find it very hard to believe but the thought is there none the less. (I have been trying to be aware of other behavioural changes, like wearing make up to work or sexy lingerie etc.. and there have been a few occasions where she has "produced" herself a lot more than usual for work. Also she has started doing a lot of overtime recently, including having to spend a night out in one occasion). But like I said I don't see it happening as her reasons for overtime were valid, particularly as we work for the same company, i'm 90% certain she was at work, whether there was someone of interest at work is another matter. I just hope she will talk to me.
Author CanItGetBetter Posted April 18, 2011 Author Posted April 18, 2011 *hugs* First of all, I doubt you've just become suddenly hideous to her. It's not you, buck up, kiddo. Second, I think this is probably a symptom of something she's not happy about. I bet you she's trying to "punish" you because she's not happy about something else - she's being passive-aggressive and trying to show you nonverbally that something is wrong. Third, the more you try to cling to her the more she'll shove you away. What you need to do is STOP kissing her and STOP running after you. I guarantee you that she will notice, right away, and then it's very possible that she will want to talk to you about what is actually wrong. If she asks "why no kiss?" be direct with her and say you've noticed she doesn't seem to like it recently, and that you think something may be wrong, and you want her to tell you what it is. Finally, be prepared! What is actually wrong may be pretty terrible and you may not even know it's wrong! Definitely be prepared to listen, and give her feelings weight, and try to work on whatever it is... Hope this helps Thanks for the hugs. Has you can tell from previous replies, I'm just really confused about the whole thing. What you said makes perfect sense (and internally I hope with all my heart it is that rather than something like an affair) but I just wish she would talk to me. Whenever I try to have a conversation if I mention any of this she just dismisses me as being silly or calls me paranoid and storms off. As for the advice of not kissing her, etc... Although it sounds like it may work, I don't think I can hold on for any meaningful time and most of all i'm scared that her reaction will be the opposite of that, and instead of querying why I didn't kiss her she might just accept it as a good thing and then it could lead to an affair happening. I will try to be stronger and when she leaves for work I will just say goodbye but not approach her for a kiss and see what the reaction is. I'll let you know how that goes.
Baroness67 Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 If you have to ask if you are being clingy, you are. Not by normal definitions, perhaps, but from the perspective of the one who is making you question yourself. No one should have to feel that they are forcing the privilege of their affection on someone else. Your wife should be fortunate to have a husband who shows her such affection. You're married. So no, you are not being clingy by the standards of a healthy marriage - but you should figure out what is behind your wife's pushing you away. good luck.
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