My husband has totally checked out

[nordic]

why do women always want to go to an mc, is that like a secret threat?

[Kristi can't sleep]

Kristi, how are you doing girl?

 

You know what? I'm not sure, lol. It's really nice to be asked though I had a good talk with my husband - after I asked him if he minded me going to Assateague for a week by myself. To say it startled him is putting it mildly. Kind of complicated and I'm not sure how to explain how it went without writing a book, so I'm going to suck down some more coffee first and try to think it through and come up with a condensed version.

 

Also, Blizzard, Carrie999, Giotto thank you so much for taking the time to give me your take on this - there are like 20 things I wanted to quote & reply to, but for now, just THANKS

 

Nordic, I'm not sure what you mean - "mc?" are you suggesting it? I can't tell because of the secret threat thing. I've never asked him to see an mc. Really haven't directly addressed the issue much at all; I don't want to "make" someone be friends with me, lol.

 

I dont stand in the living room yelling "you never spend time with me anymore!" or demand he do anything. ...partly because of the reason mentioned earlier - I want him to WANT to be here, not be coerced - and partly because that's just not me.

 

I've only told him I'm not happy and that if he feels the same way, I'm open to a separation to see if WE would be happier apart." that's it. It's not followed by "...unless you do a,b, & c"

 

I'll be damned if I'm going to force him to do anything - anymore than id force a friend. I just want to know where things stand, which i think i deserve. IMHO, if he's not happy with me, someone else will be.

[starryeyed12]

I've only told him I'm not happy and that if he feels the same way, I'm open to a separation to see if WE would be happier apart." that's it. It's not followed by "...unless you do a,b, & c"

 

I'll be damned if I'm going to force him to do anything - anymore than id force a friend. I just want to know where things stand, which i think i deserve. IMHO, if he's not happy with me, someone else will be.

 

Wow, Kristi! I think you are finding your inner strength!

 

And you are so right. You deserve to be loved and treated as you treat others. I agree, you should not have to force love out of him, that's why his "coming around" is always so short lived.

 

Just keep reminding yourself that you deserved to be loved and this is not love. He may come around as some posters said, but right now this is not love. Life is too short to spend with someone who does not have the capacity to appreciate the beauty you bring to the world.

 

Stay strong girl!

[Kristi can't sleep]

Hi all,

 

I know this thread is too long, but Im too tired to explain it all from the beginning again, lol.

 

We finally talked talked about this - he was very upset when I asked if he would mind me going away for a week or two to Assateague (beach we've been going to forever & have friends at).

 

Talking about the vaca I wanted to take actually worked out well, because it gave me an opening to ask what was going on with him/us by asking why he was so upset about me going (after all, I'm all but invisible at this point anyway).

 

Here's his explanation: he's been depressed. He said he's fine with work and on the rare occasions we have friends over because he can 'not think' and sort of fake being himself whereas when it's just me he feels like he doesn't have to do that; he can just be how he feels. He said he knows that we haven't been spending time together but still hates it when I'm not home (I mentioned earlier it bothers him when I go anywhere anymore) because it makes him feel worse when I'm gone.

 

Now, obviously the subject of him being distant has come up before, although I never said flat out that I was sick of him ignoring me for the simple reason that I didn't want to coerce or 'make' him spend time with me - no one wants that - but he never mentioned being severely depressed before. His explanation for that is that he never thought it would go on for so long (ie., when I feel better next week i'll make it up to her by doing x,y,z, but 'next' weekend hasn't come yet), and (scary part) he said it feels like it's become normal now.

 

I am really not sure what to make of this. He's agreed to tell our doctor how he feels and to see a therapist that specializes in young people who've had major medical problems (he had a very serious, very complicated surgery awhile back - his third - and he says the depression started about six months after).

 

I don't know. I love the man to pieces, so i cancelled my plans and obviously I'm going to help as much as I can and give this more time, but I'd really like some input.

 

Im a little hurt he didn't tell me any of this - we've ALWAYS told eachother everything - and there's the fact that I have to assume I'll be living like this for the forseeable future, and it's hard. It took him almost a year to fully recover from his operation and the complications he developed - I left my job for that year and stayed home to take care of him and it was a tough, tough time all around. He was in pain. I was worried 24/7. He was in and out of ICU.

 

And the whole time, everything we did was focused on getting him well. Which, thank god, we did (you would never, ever guess by looking at him that he's ever been sick a day in his life). When he was better, we had a few amazingly perfect but SHORT months before he went back to work, then - poof - I feel like he disappeared on me.

 

It's been about two weeks since he told me this, and I don't know how I feel yet, because he would've been (actually he still is) so content with leaving things this way, which I can't understand. I know im not explaining this right. Put it this way, he isnt depressed as in dread & anxiety, he's depressed as in apathy, or feeling blah. Physically fit inertia. He does what he HAS to do, work, enough excersise to stay healthy, sleep, eat & that's it. He has zero interest in doing anymore than that, from sex to having a conversation to going out on the boat & fishing.

 

I guess motivation is the word I'm looking for? When he was physically ill, getting better was his number one priority and was the goal of almost everything we did. With this? if I hadn't mentioned going away, he wouldn't have have said or changed anything. Actually, he hasn't changed anything yet.

 

What I'm really, really most afraid of is that he's BSing me, tho I have no reason to think that other than being so thrown the past 17-18 months by the changes in him that I feel like anythings possible.

 

Well, that's it for the most part - any thoughts?

 

Btw., I owe a bunch of thank you's to several people who replied which I will get to; I couldn't figure out where to start so I jumped right into the new stuff. I really, really, REALLY appreciated the posts from people in similar situations - men and women - dealing with emotional distance and living with no affection. I don't think anyone who hasn't dealt with it understands how hard it is - thanks, guys

 

Take care & my best to all

[TaraMaiden]

Summarising:

You need to have a look at the book "men are from Mars, Women are from Venus".

 

I don't hold with a lot of what it says because it's definitive in its descriptions, and I don't believe things are so cut-and-dried.

But it has some good points...

 

Particularly about when issues arise, men go into their den, and women get on their soapbox.

 

Women need to discuss to feel heard.

Men need to discuss to problem-solve.

 

So when women air their grievances, men try to solve them.

That's not always what we want, but we want to be heard and understood, and have our points validated.

 

When men air their problems, it's usually to try to achieve some kind of a solution, but we don't always give them that.... we just listen to them, and try to meet their mind...and what they really want is to get past it.

 

Looking at things form my partner's PoV, once a problem is aired, however briefly, however the matter has surfaced or come to light - that, as far as he is concerned, has brought the matter into focus, and it's been addressed. Getting him to discuss it further, in depth, and bring it forward to some workable stage, is another discussion, for another time.

Maybe.

 

Your H. loves you.

he depends on you and draws his strength from you.

you are his quiet fortress, and he needs you and depends on you.

 

I say this with conviction, because in many ways, I can relate to what you have written in your post.

 

Seing a Doctor or therapist will be a good thing, because there will be an element of detachment form them.

he can expose part of his psyche with confidence, because frankly, these people won't matter to him; they will be a means to an end.

 

Exposing his psyche to you, is something he feels he can abstain form doing, because in a somewhat "arrogant" way, he's relying on your closeness to accept that this is the way he is;

 

my partner said to me, once, "I create a bow-wave".

he's complex, and not at all easy to live with. he is infuriating, and occasionally phukks up his priorities, big time.

What seems of immediate importance to him, and requiring instant commitment, is usually something that involves damage limitation or problem-solving.

he's very good at that.

Very efficient, thorough and clear-headed.

In fact, I marvel at his ability to grasp the situation and see right to the core of the problem, without apparently seeming to having to think long and hard about it.

 

But matters of emotion and heart?

 

Dead loss.

Hopeless.

head in the sand, ostrich-like.

 

(I'm writing this and coming to some eye-opening realisations, myself, even as I write....!)

 

But he KNOWS this.

And it's important to emphasise it.

he knows he's total pants at the emotional aspect of the relationship.

He works with all things on a practical level.

His way of telling me he loves me, is not everybody's idea of romance - but it's all he knows how to come up with.

And the gesture, intention and meaning, has always - but always - a far deeper meaning to it than chocolates, roses and a dinner for two....

It comes from deep within him

He's trying his best to show me.

 

Me, I don't always see it his way, because it's not always the way I feel I NEED to be loved.

But if I stop to analyse his actions, I can see how from the heart they truly are.

And it's a big heart....

 

I'm sorry to have turned this round from my perspective.

I am merely trying to shed some light on your dilemma....

I hope, in some way, I have helped.

[giotto]

That's usually my wife's response, these days... I'm depressed. But, like your husband, she doesn't do anything about it. So we are trapped in this never ending cycle of having had enough and responsibility towards the "ill" person you married. You feel trapped and you can't leave. Or, rather, you can, but what will be the consequences of our action? If they are really ill, that can be dangerous. Am I right in thinking that you are probably disappointed by his answer?

 

Hi all,

 

I know this thread is too long, but Im too tired to explain it all from the beginning again, lol.

 

We finally talked talked about this - he was very upset when I asked if he would mind me going away for a week or two to Assateague (beach we've been going to forever & have friends at).

 

Talking about the vaca I wanted to take actually worked out well, because it gave me an opening to ask what was going on with him/us by asking why he was so upset about me going (after all, I'm all but invisible at this point anyway).

 

Here's his explanation: he's been depressed. He said he's fine with work and on the rare occasions we have friends over because he can 'not think' and sort of fake being himself whereas when it's just me he feels like he doesn't have to do that; he can just be how he feels. He said he knows that we haven't been spending time together but still hates it when I'm not home (I mentioned earlier it bothers him when I go anywhere anymore) because it makes him feel worse when I'm gone.

 

Now, obviously the subject of him being distant has come up before, although I never said flat out that I was sick of him ignoring me for the simple reason that I didn't want to coerce or 'make' him spend time with me - no one wants that - but he never mentioned being severely depressed before. His explanation for that is that he never thought it would go on for so long (ie., when I feel better next week i'll make it up to her by doing x,y,z, but 'next' weekend hasn't come yet), and (scary part) he said it feels like it's become normal now.

 

I am really not sure what to make of this. He's agreed to tell our doctor how he feels and to see a therapist that specializes in young people who've had major medical problems (he had a very serious, very complicated surgery awhile back - his third - and he says the depression started about six months after).

 

I don't know. I love the man to pieces, so i cancelled my plans and obviously I'm going to help as much as I can and give this more time, but I'd really like some input.

 

Im a little hurt he didn't tell me any of this - we've ALWAYS told eachother everything - and there's the fact that I have to assume I'll be living like this for the forseeable future, and it's hard. It took him almost a year to fully recover from his operation and the complications he developed - I left my job for that year and stayed home to take care of him and it was a tough, tough time all around. He was in pain. I was worried 24/7. He was in and out of ICU.

 

And the whole time, everything we did was focused on getting him well. Which, thank god, we did (you would never, ever guess by looking at him that he's ever been sick a day in his life). When he was better, we had a few amazingly perfect but SHORT months before he went back to work, then - poof - I feel like he disappeared on me.

 

It's been about two weeks since he told me this, and I don't know how I feel yet, because he would've been (actually he still is) so content with leaving things this way, which I can't understand. I know im not explaining this right. Put it this way, he isnt depressed as in dread & anxiety, he's depressed as in apathy, or feeling blah. Physically fit inertia. He does what he HAS to do, work, enough excersise to stay healthy, sleep, eat & that's it. He has zero interest in doing anymore than that, from sex to having a conversation to going out on the boat & fishing.

 

I guess motivation is the word I'm looking for? When he was physically ill, getting better was his number one priority and was the goal of almost everything we did. With this? if I hadn't mentioned going away, he wouldn't have have said or changed anything. Actually, he hasn't changed anything yet.

 

What I'm really, really most afraid of is that he's BSing me, tho I have no reason to think that other than being so thrown the past 17-18 months by the changes in him that I feel like anythings possible.

 

Well, that's it for the most part - any thoughts?

 

Btw., I owe a bunch of thank you's to several people who replied which I will get to; I couldn't figure out where to start so I jumped right into the new stuff. I really, really, REALLY appreciated the posts from people in similar situations - men and women - dealing with emotional distance and living with no affection. I don't think anyone who hasn't dealt with it understands how hard it is - thanks, guys

 

Take care & my best to all

[giotto]

 

I'm sorry to have turned this round from my perspective.

I am merely trying to shed some light on your dilemma....

I hope, in some way, I have helped.

 

Tara, he's played the "illness" card, unfortunately.

[TaraMaiden]

Yes, I see that....

 

I have no experience of this, so I steered clear of any comment...it would be hypothesis on my part.

[Kristi can't sleep]

Hi TaraMaiden

 

I'm sorry to have turned this round from my perspective.

I am merely trying to shed some light on your dilemma....

I hope, in some way, I have helped.

 

No, actually, I'd like to hear more - I can totally identify with what you're saying. I completely agree that showing love is different for everyone, let alone throwing gender differences in.

 

He works with all things on a practical level.

His way of telling me he loves me, is not everybody's idea of romance - but it's all he knows how to come up with.

And the gesture, intention and meaning, has always - but always - a far deeper meaning to it than chocolates, roses and a dinner for two....

It comes from deep within him

He's trying his best to show me.

 

Me, I don't always see it his way, because it's not always the way I feel I NEED to be loved.

But if I stop to analyse his actions, I can see how from the heart they truly are.

And it's a big heart....

 

This is off track kind of, but I think that ^^^ is an awesome way of putting in. I hate to generalize, but I think as women, that's often a fault of ours. We expect to be shown love in a certain way emotionally, and can miss the forrest for the trees.

 

Even with the last 18 months or so, I am lucky to have found my husband - like yours (I think... hopefully I'm not making the wrong leap here lol) he may not be the best at wearing his heart on his sleeve, but he has been wonderful to me for over 8 years, and the last 2, I have to admit, Im partly responsible for in so far as not really bringing up how I've felt.

 

I CAN'T bring myself to flat out say I don't like how things have been, because I'm almost neurotic on the subject of self-defeating complaints - I want him to want me, not do things with me to keep me or for my benefit only. I will NOT be someone's chore, ie., when guys say things like, "I'm stuck taking the wife to dinner" or "no, I can't go ___, I promised the wife I'd ____"

 

I know I'm not explaining this right. It's just that I work with soooo many men. Even in college, my major didn't have a ton of other women, lol, so I've had more-than-average exposure to men which led me to swear I'd never get married unless I found a true friend as well as a lover. I never want to become a chore, so this is a particularly hard thing for me to discuss with him, because of EXACTLY what you said - that men are problem solvers.

 

He WOULD see what I said as "okay, I'll just spend more time with her" EVEN if he didn't feel like it, and consider the problem solved, when that's not what I want at all. What I want ISN'T time; I want my best friend back. I don't want to be a problem to be solved. I don't want to be a problem, period. I want to see him come through the door happy and looking forward to things we do again. I want him to laugh.

 

People change, I know. But this - whether it's depression or something else - isn't my husband, and I can see in his face that he isn't happy.

 

Uggh, just read that back and it's a confusing mess, lol. Well, hopefully the meaning will show through.

 

Thanks Tara. I really would like to hear more about your situation, even if it's 'free association' style like my garbled ^^^.

 

Giotto, yeah, I understand what you're saying. It's hard, but no, I'm not disappointed. If he truly is depressed, and what's going on has nothing to do with how he feels about me, I don't want out. I'd live like this the rest of my life like this if necessary. It be no different than if he had a physical illness.

 

If he had told me from day one he was depressed, I don't know that I'd even be posting anything - but when a partner of sooooo long suddenly changes and you can't find the cause, your mind runs wild, and if it continues, you start to think all kinds of things are possible than you never would've considered before.

 

I've thought he was having some kind of online affair (he's always home so that's what'd have to be), an emotional affair with a co-worker (I was able to rule that one out) or, that he's fallen out of love but found it easier to stay than move on. The last I HAVE told him. If he's not happy WITH ME, he needs(ed) to TELL me so that I, at least, could move on - which has only served to get him upset. BUT it's also what I'm STILL AFRAID OF - if he is using 'depression' to avoid dealing with something like that, well, I don't want to be here.

 

Again, thanks all.

[TaraMaiden]

I'll cut straight to the chase, and I really don't know how relevant this is going to be - I could be completely off-bat, and this could just be a wild card:

 

Maybe one of the things exacerbating the situation, is how tough and independent you are.

He can actually see that really, when push comes to shove, actually - you don't 'need' him.

You probably have a very good handle on putting the trash out, handling a screwdriver and dealing with the everyday minor bitty challenges that come your way.

So in many ways, "chief breadwinner hunter-gatherer" is kind of redundant.

That makes him feel un-needed.

He's got a bout of depression, and the depression is bringing him low. but the fact that you have shouldered much of the strain, just makes the depression worse, because what he sees through his depression, is that you've coped with it, and dealt with it - which just makes him feel even worse - and so it's a vicious circle.

 

My partner went through a 4-year Law degree, and such was the intensity of his study, that he became isolated and confined to a single-minded uniquely-focused objective.

He saw nobody (except fellow-students) and went nowhere, did nothing and just concentrated on his studies. For 4 years.

This also led to an extremely low period in his own personality.

I think he too succumbed to mild depression. Coupled with having to deal with diabetes (diagnosed during his study period) which didn't help, things were, to say the least - difficult.

And just as he had to struggle with this, I had to struggle with him going through this, and be strong for him, keep things going, and just soldier on.

I tell you, a couple of times, I felt like jacking it all in....

 

A poster on here yesterday, made an astute comment:

 

"But this is the only illness where if she has it, I have to have it too. Like if she had cancer, I'd have to go out and get cancer too."

 

That resonated with me....

 

Your H has fallen into a condition, where you both have to experience the downside.

 

Some time ago, I made a startling discovery (bear with me):

I was getting more and more frustrated and infuriated that whenever anybody in our social circle called my partner for any help or assistance, he would drop everything, and go help them.

it didn't matter if it was daytime or evening, or what it interrupted - he'd go lend a hand.

Whenever I asked him to be there for me, lend a hand and support what I was doing, I'd invariably end up doing it myself. No matter what it was, I bore the whole effort, and was left to get on with it, single-handed.

 

Then, it erupted.

We had royalty visiting (for 'royalty' read, The Mother!) and the house was a mess.

In spite of repeated assurances from him that he would help with the vacuuming/tidying up and washing up - when push came to shove - he disappeared off to help yet another friend in a "quick chore" which was supposed to only take a half hour - and he returned 2 hours later.

Virtually all the work was done, and I exploded.

I berated him for the fact that he was *here* (raise arm high above head) all his friends and others were *here* (lower hand two inches) and I was *here* (drop hand to below knee level).

He retorted angrily, that that wasn't fair - to which I yelled - "No, you're right, it phekking isn't - but I guess I'll just have to accept it and get used to it!"

 

It dawned on me, much later that every single external call he responded to, was a simple problem-solving, or damage-limitation exercise.

He could do that.

He had no problem dealing with the practical issues people threw at his feet. he rose to the challenge, picked up the gauntlet, and dealt with them, in his usual, reliable way.

 

But when it came to dealing with my calls for aid, on an emotional level - that is, doing something for me, because I need his support - he ran away from it.

 

Now, I have no idea whether any of this, rings as familiar, or whether I've just blabbered on about something completely irrelevant - but that's just something I thought I'd share, in order to lob another factor into the ring...

 

but when I sit and think, and work through things on my own, as I so often have to do now, (because trying to get him to open up is like wrestling with a giant clam) I come to revealing conclusions.

They solve nothing, but at least things are clearer to me.

[giotto]

I just wanted to add a thing: from this debate, I get the impression that all women think that men are incapable of creating an emotional connection or being "emotionally disabled". Funnily enough, I am completely the opposite and I am the one, in our relationship, always seeking that connection. My wife is still fairly unavailable emotionally, even after all these years of trying (on my behalf). I'm sure there are many more men out there like me, and I know you are talking about your personal experience, but this is the impression I get.

[starryeyed12]

Hey Kristi!

 

Just wanted to add a few things I picked up on.

 

You mention that he had a serious surgery. And that things were great for 6 months and then the "changes" started.

 

I don't want to pry, but I think that this could be a major piece of the puzzle, in my eyes at least. Was it some kind of cancer? Brain tumor? Epilepsy treatment? Anything brain related could have an effect on his personality. Even other certain illnesses/treatments can have a profound effect on the personality sectors. If you don't want to share I totally understand that it's personal.

 

I know I only know a very, very limited amount of what's going on here, but I get the sense that he does love you very much and doesn't want to lose you. I know the fear is that maybe it's you and he's cheating, but you have to listen to your gut. That means you have to clear your head of your fears and just listen to what your subconscious mind has picked up on and is telling you. If you feel that he's not, I would trust it.

 

Also, if he is truly depressed bc of the medical situation or just because he's prone to it from his own genetics, I don't think it has to do with you. Often the people who are depressed because their partner neglects them or treats them like sh*t are the ones more vulnerable to be selfish and fall into an affair. You put in the effort and he just doesn't have the motivation or desire to put in the effort back--for much of anything from what I gather. He just doesn't seem like he has the energy or drive at this time to give himself to another person while trying to hide it from you.

 

I think he's scared. He sounds like he's changed a lot, and maybe he's begun to notice it more and more. He's mean or standoffish to you partly from his depression, and then he doesn't apologize or explain partly as a defense. The defense of being unapologetic is to hide behind the feeling of "I did nothing wrong" so it can be you, not him that's the problem. But I think deep inside he knows it's him more and more.

 

He needs to get help.

 

I would feel the same way about having an obligation to stand by my husband. I know it's hard, but for me, there is beauty, love, and dignity in the vow "in sickness and in health, til death do us part." I mean, it's different for every situation and it's not the end all, be all for situations. It's a double edged sword, but for now I believe you are doing the right thing by standing by and facing this battle the best ways you know how.

 

The best thing to do now is keep open communication with him as much as possible and get him to some help. Help him find someone to talk to about this. I think there could be more going on medically than straight up emotionally.

 

Stay strong, girl.

[Fugu]

I don't think anyone can say what is actually there or not. All I can share is that I was in the same position as the OP - and three years later I am still here, still married, and I didn't do any of those things. I didn't do the 180, I didn't pack my bags and I didn't do marriage counseling.

 

You are right in that it takes two people to save a relationship, and right now the OP is clearly working on her own, but until the husband has actually stated that the marriage is over, it's not necessarily over. As far as I can see, while the husband is clearly emotionally checked out - he's still coming home to look in the fridge and pee. As opposed to the marriage of another friend who comes to mind who kissed her husband goodbye on a business trip about 10 years ago, and he called her from California to let her know he wasn't coming home. Ever again. And he didn't.

 

At the time my husband was acting like this, he was in the throes of just knowing he wasn't happy - and blaming that on me and the lifestyle he shared with me and our family. He had not yet realized that what he was pursuing outside of our marriage was also not going to be the magic happy bullet. In his case, I believe, it was more of a distraction. A painful period of reckless and thoughtless "distraction," to be sure, that seemed like it was nearly going to tear our family apart ... but so far it hasn't. (Note that I didn't say "in the end it hasn't" - I have no vanity about the issues in our marriage having come to any conclusion - it's always going to be a work in progress from now on as far as I am concerned.)

 

The marriage may indeed be over, but it's too soon to know without getting to the heart of what gives on the husband's side to say that there is nothing there to save. I was just saying that until she knows why he has checked out, she doesn't know whether she's dealing with another woman, with depression, MLC, all of the above, etc.

 

I'm here posting as someone who saw a lot of the same things, and many times also thought things were over and done. I didn't pack my bags. I packed my husband's bags. And after a short period, he came home again and has not left.

 

I'm not sure what the position of the OP is yet. I don't think she can define it until she gets a better handle on what's going on with her spouse.

 

THis is a great post. We need more of this on LS. Seriously.

[nordic]

Hi everyone -

 

I've been married going on nine years to my best friend, well, WAS. about two years ago, he just sorta stopped doing things with me. Then he stopped talking to me - except for 5o'clock every night when I listen to how his day went. But it's tricky, if I accidentally slip and say something crazy like "...that's funny, you know what happened to me today?" he will simultaneously check his email, go to the fridge, pee, turn his blackberry back on and go outside. Yup, took practice, but he can do them all at once now.

 

Then sex went out the door. Then everything went out the door.

 

Mostly it's because of his back hurting or being tired. But when he's away, he's out every night. He's gone deep sea fishing. Jet skiing. Works on heavy equipment. But go out to dinner? Watch a movie on the freaking couch? No, he's in PAIN for God's sake - what kind of a sadist am I???

 

I'm not a nag. Not only do I still shave my legs, I still WAX! (what a waste). I'm not overweight. I dyed my black hair blond then back to black. I have spent WEEKS looking for 'perfect' birthday presents, gifts, vacations. Nope, nope & nope.

 

We haven't watched so much as a single movie together in over two years. He hasn't taken a single day off. Can't. Too busy. But for doctors appointments, vet appointments, or again, when he was away, he has no problem scheduling or taking a day off.

 

He doesn't smile (with me), laugh (with me), or pay any attention to me at all except in theory. In theory, he loves me as much as the day he met me, he "just doesn't show it". It's just there i guess, but if no one, including me can tell, what good is it?

 

Wait, I'm not being fair. When I get so horribly lonely and depressed that I can't take it, he remembers how to talk, smile, etc., until it "blows over". That though, happens for a shorter and shorter period of time after each fall-out.

 

I'm joking, but it's a horrible way to live. I am incredibly lonely and depressed, and I don't want to talk to him about it anymore. I don't want to play with someone who doesn't want to play with me. how do you tell someone "i want you to like me again"? Well, i know HOW but whats the point? The few times ive done it i feel like a total loser - who cares what someone does if its not of their own free will?

 

Other people like me, I'm not so very horrible. Men still give me rude compliments on occasion, *thank god*, but I could smear myself with oil, light my hair on fire and play the accordion on top of the breakfast bar and the MOST I could hope for is "could you keep it down?"

 

I don't get why he wants to stay married or even cares when I've had it. I could be replaced by merry-maids and happy hour after work.

 

I don't know what to do, I just don't want to do this.

 

maybe he checked out coz you hit the banned button too many times on him:)

 

or it may be something else personality related:-)

 

i would most likely also check out, or sex with you is really really hot.

[The Blue Knight]

*Wow - im so glad i came back on here! although i wouldnt wish this on anyone, im glad im not alone! Thanks so much for taking the time to reply

 

We do nothing together, i dont know what the difference is if im there or on the moon, but he does. Whole thing is bizarre. I cant take the lonliness anymore though, i really cant.

 

The man who said he called his wife while he was away and she was annoyed because she was watching TV? THATS what its like. Almost like he's content like this - but i truly dont see how thats possible either. I just know the few times ive tried to really get him to understand that this is a serious problem - to the extent that im thinking about leaving - he gets upset, admits that he ignores me (but nothing else) tells me he loves me and doesnt want to seperate then acts like he used to for a short while...until i let my guard down and start to relax. Then he backslides right back. Seems to want me only when i dont want him anymore maybe?

 

I have never cheated and wont until this is sorted out and i decide if im staying, going, whatever. Im not a nymphomaniac, but come on, i dont want to live like a nun! He could keep me happy with an occasional conversation and dinner or lunch out a few times a month and sex once a week. If i wasnt afraid someone i knew would find it, id post my picture because i dont think its an appearance issue either.*

 

BUT I DONT WANT ANY OF IT IF ITS "FORCED", so its a catch twenty two. ill be damned if im going to have someone sleep with me out of obligation or because i b*tched at him - who would want THAT? Same with the rest of it. So on occasion I've told him i'm not happy & lonely, but for the most part i keep my mouth shut. im not sure if i should just leave or what. Maybe im just having a hard time accepting leaving. I do love him, or loved what used to be. We truly were best freinds. We rarely fought, had a lot of fun together even if we just hung out at home, and i took care of him night and day after a major medical problem, so I feel like i have so much time and effort and feelings invested here.

 

Wow Kristi,

You're like me, but the genders are reversed. First off, I have to say, you're a riot. I was laughing in my patrol car reading your postings. Then I passed them to my partner (female) and she was cracking up. I'm in the same boat. It struck me the other day that I feel lonely but I'm supposedly happily married. It doesn't make sense. She thinks everything is fine all the time. But I'm the only one who pursues intimacy for the 14 years we've been together and after a while it gets real old being and starts to feel awfully lopsided. It's not just sex. It's the sensuality, the intimacy, the closeness, the flirtation. When I've brought these things up, she says she doesn't know how to do those things or she isn't confident in those areas. I can understand that in a new relationship, but after this much time together it makes little sense. Gosh, I want to talk to you more. Hit me up on my email when you get some time. I'm at [email protected]. I'd love to share common gripes with you.

 

Jeff

[phillyfan]

Hi everyone -

 

I've been married going on nine years to my best friend, well, WAS. about two years ago, he just sorta stopped doing things with me. Then he stopped talking to me - except for 5o'clock every night when I listen to how his day went. But it's tricky, if I accidentally slip and say something crazy like "...that's funny, you know what happened to me today?" he will simultaneously check his email, go to the fridge, pee, turn his blackberry back on and go outside. Yup, took practice, but he can do them all at once now.

 

Then sex went out the door. Then everything went out the door.

 

Mostly it's because of his back hurting or being tired. But when he's away, he's out every night. He's gone deep sea fishing. Jet skiing. Works on heavy equipment. But go out to dinner? Watch a movie on the freaking couch? No, he's in PAIN for God's sake - what kind of a sadist am I???

 

I'm not a nag. Not only do I still shave my legs, I still WAX! (what a waste). I'm not overweight. I dyed my black hair blond then back to black. I have spent WEEKS looking for 'perfect' birthday presents, gifts, vacations. Nope, nope & nope.

 

We haven't watched so much as a single movie together in over two years. He hasn't taken a single day off. Can't. Too busy. But for doctors appointments, vet appointments, or again, when he was away, he has no problem scheduling or taking a day off.

 

He doesn't smile (with me), laugh (with me), or pay any attention to me at all except in theory. In theory, he loves me as much as the day he met me, he "just doesn't show it". It's just there i guess, but if no one, including me can tell, what good is it?

 

Wait, I'm not being fair. When I get so horribly lonely and depressed that I can't take it, he remembers how to talk, smile, etc., until it "blows over". That though, happens for a shorter and shorter period of time after each fall-out.

 

I'm joking, but it's a horrible way to live. I am incredibly lonely and depressed, and I don't want to talk to him about it anymore. I don't want to play with someone who doesn't want to play with me. how do you tell someone "i want you to like me again"? Well, i know HOW but whats the point? The few times ive done it i feel like a total loser - who cares what someone does if its not of their own free will?

 

Other people like me, I'm not so very horrible. Men still give me rude compliments on occasion, *thank god*, but I could smear myself with oil, light my hair on fire and play the accordion on top of the breakfast bar and the MOST I could hope for is "could you keep it down?"

 

I don't get why he wants to stay married or even cares when I've had it. I could be replaced by merry-maids and happy hour after work.

 

I don't know what to do, I just don't want to do this.

 

Dude I aint no expert BUT - sounds like a) hes havin an affair, and b) he dont wanna leave u else he wud hav done. Theres only ONE way of playin this playa - u dump him n tell him he is losin u cos while u hav tried 4 2 yrs, but he aint been tryin, hes been pushin u away. That wil probly scare the livin sh*t outta him cos he just thinks u wil be there 4eva, show him u aint gona b. If theres anotha chick she aint gona b lookin 2 sweet the moment he knows he is losin u.

 

Oh yea, and edited 2 add: get a keylogger. 4 SURE.

Edited July 21, 2011 by phillyfan