Lonely at the top?

[thisisall1word]

I am one of those highly educated/high achiever types. My problem is I can not find any women who can relate to me on an intellectual level. Most women I find boring and they find me boring as well. They want to drink/dance, I want to listen to NPR and read.

 

As a result I spend most of my time alone or with male friends similar to me. I meet my sexual needs by seeing escorts. But I want to know what it feels like to love someone and be loved.

[youaretheone]

Find a hobby club or social activity that suits your needs where you will also find women on your level. For example, if you are interested in arts, join an arts association or visit art galleries where you can find women who are interested in what you are interested.

 

The second option is to lower your standards.

[Eeyore79]

Highly educated women have the same problem. Usually I mention something about science or philosophy to a date and his eyes glaze over. We haven't read the same books because he doesn't read, and I can't share things that interest me because he just isn't interested. It's the same from his side - he's stuck with a boring girlfriend who wants to sip wine and read poetry and go to the opera, while he wants to get drunk on beer and go clubbing. It's especially difficult because men often don't like it when the woman is clearly smarter; that alone can scupper a relationship, and I get really tired of playing the dumb broad just so I don't get dumped.

 

I tried for years to make those sort of relationships work, and I concluded that it isn't possible; some people are just incompatible. So I started looking for a compatible man, and eventually found one (though it took a number of years). I still relaxed my criteria somewhat - he's more artistically talented and less intellectual than I am - but he's refined and dresses smartly, he likes music and theatre, and he's intelligent and can hold a good discussion. Most importantly, he's fine with me being the more intellectual one, because he's better in other ways.

 

I guess all I can advise is to continue looking for a compatible woman. You probably won't find her in a bar though; as the previous poster suggested, you might have better luck if you join the type of hobby groups which will attract intellectual people.

Edited April 18, 2011 by Eeyore79

[Emilia]

I'm in a similar boat although I probably complicate it for myself. I am looking for someone with a decent brain but in London - especially if you join hobby groups - they aren't that hard to find. My problem is that I am also really social and love the outdoors so it's not just about wanting someone who is bright, thinks for himself, doesn't follow the herd, curious, etc but I also want this person to be an extrovert rather than an introvert and he needs to be sporty too.

 

Apparently a rare combination

 

As long as he is bright and curious, I don't mind about his education but so many of those guys just want to sit in front of a computer all day. I really can't deal with that.

[bac]

who can relate to me on an intellectual level. Most women I find boring and they find me boring as well. They want to drink/dance, I want to listen to NPR and read.

 

 

Could you describe a female who can relate to you on an intellectual level?

Her education, her interests, her favorite books and music?

[thatone]

you'll stumble across one eventually if you keep looking. probably when you least expect it and in an unlikely place. i'm the same way now that i'm in my (early!) 30s. the 22 year old bimbo who looks like a million bucks isn't really worth that million any more to me.

 

recently met one completely out of the blue. me and the contractor who is helping me restore my old house go to a hole in the wall restaurant/bar with plaster and sawdust on our paint stained tshirts, acting like our typical crude selves joking and cursing about something that we tried to fix that day that didn't work.

 

flirt a little with the waitress and it just so happens she's sharp as a tack, she sat right down between us and threw our BS back in our faces.

 

took a couple more lunches to get a phone number, and for all of my past efforts of well read attempts at aristocratic charm with other women, including having the big old house and the expensive car and the tailored suits and all that other stuff, my first contact with her outside of that bar was bringing a drill over to her house to help her put new locks on her doors...in my white t shirt, basketball shorts, and dirty tennis shoes.

 

/shrug

 

never can tell, is all i can tell ya.

Edited April 18, 2011 by thatone

[mo mo]

Find a hobby club or social activity that suits your needs where you will also find women on your level. For example, if you are interested in arts, join an arts association or visit art galleries where you can find women who are interested in what you are interested.

 

The second option is to lower your standards.

 

I agree with the first option but strongly disagree with the second.

 

I'm a pretty smart guy.. maybe not an Einstein or even MENSA material, but I am much smarter than most. I have a way of speaking that has naturally developed because of my level of intelligence. I have worked around a lot of people that aren't nearly as intelligent-- mostly entry-level employees and/or skilled laborers. They always assume I am arrogant, simply because I don't speak the way they do. Their use of slang, bad grammar and gratuitous uses of the n and b words when referring to people does not really mesh well with my way of speaking.

 

I haven't found too many people that I can relate to in these environments, so naturally I have not had much success in dating anyone there. The few times I "lowered my standards" I was put in situations where the girl feels insecure and/or incompatible and she will leave me before anything serious gets going because she will fear getting attached-- they figure I will eventually get bored of them.

 

So to OP.. I kinda know how you feel. What city do you live in? If you live in a metro area, I am sure you can find social events to participate in where you can meet people with similar interests. For instance, I am going to an art expo this weekend. Look into things like that.

[thatone]

 

I'm a pretty smart guy.. maybe not an Einstein or even MENSA material, but I am much smarter than most. I have a way of speaking that has naturally developed because of my level of intelligence. I have worked around a lot of people that aren't nearly as intelligent-- mostly entry-level employees and/or skilled laborers. They always assume I am arrogant, simply because I don't speak the way they do. Their use of slang, bad grammar and gratuitous uses of the n and b words when referring to people does not really mesh well with my way of speaking.

 

I haven't found too many people that I can relate to in these environments, so naturally I have not had much success in dating anyone there. The few times I "lowered my standards" I was put in situations where the girl feels insecure and/or incompatible and she will leave me before anything serious gets going because she will fear getting attached-- they figure I will eventually get bored of them.

 

 

they don't assume you're arrogant, you are arrogant. your post sounds arrogant to me.

 

stop worrying about projecting an image and telling yourself you're better than those people. try getting along with them on their terms.

 

you'll find that a lot of people aren't as bad off as you think they are, you might even find that you're the shallow one and they aren't.

[Nexus One]

In regards to finding meetup groups with ambitious and intelligent women, try groups where business owners or entrepreneurs gather. Women at the top have a hard time finding compatible mates too. Those women often seem quite "tough" and intimidating to men, but you have to get to know them in order to see through that, they're often good women. I think they will be able to offer you a quality relationship.

 

That being said those women do not exactly come in droves. I read somewhere that of all the business owners and CEO's only 6% is female. Despite them being in the minority they still have a hard time finding compatible mates, so you might just have a good chance there.

Edited April 18, 2011 by Nexus One

[Disillusioned]

I am one of those highly educated/high achiever types. My problem is I can not find any women who can relate to me on an intellectual level. Most women I find boring and they find me boring as well. They want to drink/dance, I want to listen to NPR and read.

 

As a result I spend most of my time alone or with male friends similar to me. I meet my sexual needs by seeing escorts. But I want to know what it feels like to love someone and be loved.

 

If I ever did have any emotional needs to love and be loved, I swept them under the carpet years ago.

 

Eventually, once I finish my weight loss plan and get my property cleaned up, I'll go looking for love again---but I'll take no prisoners. If a woman messes up with me once, she's history.

 

After 25+ years of negative experiences with women, my trust in them is about zero... but I'm still willing to try one last time, even though after all I've put up with I'll never be able to have a normal healthy relationship... whatever that is.

[mo mo]

they don't assume you're arrogant, you are arrogant. your post sounds arrogant to me.

 

stop worrying about projecting an image and telling yourself you're better than those people. try getting along with them on their terms.

 

you'll find that a lot of people aren't as bad off as you think they are, you might even find that you're the shallow one and they aren't.

 

hahahaha its amazing how quickly people jump to conclusions on here

 

I HAVE tried to hang out with them. I HAVE tried to find common interests. I still know they talk behind my back. I have made efforts to partake in their social gatherings but I have found that I often do not even get invited to things because of the perception people have of me.

 

I'm not going to toss around the n and b words, because thats not who I am. I try my best to be respectful. I'm also not going to start telling stories about how I got wasted at a strip club and paid $40 to get my rocks off in the LD room. That's the kind of stuff I hear from these people.

 

It has nothing to do with people being shallow, it has to do with people feeling uncomfortable around people who they feel have it better than they do. I mentioned I'm smarter than most and all that because it's true. I'm not going to pretend I'm a lot like these people because I'm not.

 

Don't be so quick to jump to conclusions.

[Mrlonelyone]

I have the same sort of problems as the OP and Eyeore and others have mentioned.

 

I don't know that there is a solution for them. The solution is just to keep looking for a needle in a haystack. If you look long enough you will find one.

 

Remember for most everyone in the world only 1% of people will be compatible for a relationship.

[Jazzari]

Personally, I find intelligent men to be the most attractive of all. And a bit of arrogance isn't a bad thing either. I score in the gifted category but the men I date are usually much higher.

 

It's hard for me to imagine a girl being bored by the super intelligent. Unless you have a very narrow field of interest? I wouldn't like it if the man was only interested in science and refused to discuss other topics, for instance.

 

I think balance is key and sharing and learning new things together.

 

Not sure where you find someone though. Maybe an online dating site where you can cull through tons of women quickly.

[SmileFace]

This thread reeks of arrogance. Hope you have fun at the top.

[Eeyore79]

It isn't arrogant to admit you're a certain type of person; there are numerous different types of people in the world. Some are intellectual, some are artistic, some are musical, and some are sporty; some are more practical and could fix your car but wouldn't know who Sartre is, while others are academically gifted but couldn't build a house. Some like beer and football, and others prefer wine and opera. Some are extroverts and some are introverts. I don't see why it's wrong to be yourself and acknowledge that you're in a minority group, rather than pretending to fit in with the majority.

 

Unfortunately if you're in a minority group it can be difficult to find someone you're compatible with, and surely everyone has the right to want a compatible partner? I realize that a partner may be equally as bored with my disinterest in football as I am with his disinterest in philosophy, so it's best for both of us if we acknowledge that we don't match and choose a compatible partner instead. I really don't see how pretending that we're compatible (or trying to fake compatibility) helps anyone.

[Cee]

Intelligence is one of the versatile attributes to have. The most intelligence people I know are also the most down to earth. They can make cogent arguments about the nuances of my country's political/economic situation. And they also drink beer and make funny jokes about the baseball game on tv.

 

I think intelligence is correlated with humor. A smart guy should be able to get women laughing. If the women aren't laughing, then it's time to readjust the game plan.

[Disillusioned]

This thread reeks of arrogance. Hope you have fun at the top.

 

Alright, this has gone far enough. As far as I care, if someone has accomplished something meaningful with their life, their arrogance is JUSTIFIED.

[SmileFace]

Alright, this has gone far enough. As far as I care, if someone has accomplished something meaningful with their life, their arrogance is JUSTIFIED.

If you have done something meaningful life, great for you. Saying you're certain type of person,great - it takes all kinds. Thinking you are so on top of the world that you fail to realize that your "top" leaves you having sex with prostitutes, is not ok.

 

 

 

I have no problem with people who are proud of themselves, that is fine. However, I don't care how much you achieve- we are all the same. It is not my goal for you to agree with me, like I said ,it takes all kinds.

Edited April 18, 2011 by SmileFace

[thatone]

 

It has nothing to do with people being shallow, it has to do with people feeling uncomfortable around people who they feel have it better than they do. I mentioned I'm smarter than most and all that because it's true. I'm not going to pretend I'm a lot like these people because I'm not.

 

no, it really doesn't. you can believe it or not, i know this is the internet and anyone can say whatever they want, but i have plenty, more than i spend to sustain the lifestyle i'm accustomed to. i got the big house and the european car and all that stuff. and i'm just as comfortable sitting around BSing with the old man at the motorcycle repair shop as i am in a suit and tie talking to my attorney (and i don't even have a motorcycle, i just met the guy through a mutual friend).

 

i know a lot more about investments than the old guy who fixes bikes but he knows a lot more about a 72 harley than me. what's the difference?

 

from my experience, if you're respectful to people in face to face conversation for the most part they'll be respectful to you.

[OliveOyl]

Interesting. I consider myself intelligent... but I'm not really interested in self-described "intellectuals." I enjoy a good conversation but my eyes can start to glaze over when people go off on deep tangents on certain topics such as politics, of which I have low interest.

 

My stbx is what I call a "walking Wiki"... he retains vast amounts of information... but when he starts in talking about stuff I just tune out. Intelligence is very important to me but it's a certain kind of intelligence in particular -- I agree with Cee... it's the kind that enables humor and is developed through life experience. Not necessarily book smarts.

[Kamille]

I tried to find an internet link to an interesting study by a sociologist, Bonnie Erickson. She had studied how cultural capital played a role in social mobility within an industry. She had found, not surprisingly, that it was the people with the most diversified type of social capital who advanced the fastest. In other words, it was the people who could talk about football and Middle-East politics who were the most successful at building strong social networks.

 

I think the same holds true in the dating world. The more versatile you are, the easier it will be for you to bond with people.

 

It's not lonely at the top. It's only lonely at the top if your own interests are limited.

[Nexus One]

I tried to find an internet link to an interesting study by a sociologist, Bonnie Erickson. She had studied how cultural capital played a role in social mobility within an industry. She had found, not surprisingly, that it was the people with the most diversified type of social capital who advanced the fastest. In other words, it was the people who could talk about football and Middle-East politics who were the most successful at building strong social networks.

 

My previous CEO, who got fired recently but that's besides the point, was amazingly social. Regularly groups of people(potential clients) would be visiting the company that nobody(including him) had ever seen and our CEO would just jump right into that group cracking a joke and they all started talking like they knew each other for years. Every now and then he would just show up with a celebrity to do business with and everyone is like, how and where the hell does he find and meet all these people?

 

He even tried to hook me up with a woman on more than one occasion. He called me to come to his office and said: "Nexus, I'm going to hook you up with a woman", I looked at a female manager sitting next to him, as in, is he serious? And she just nodded yes very seriously. "I'm going to arrange for her to work with you on such and such", all of which I didn't need any help with.

 

Anyways, his plan didn't work. So then he upped the ante and put an assistant of some celebrity to work right in front of me and one time he came in the office and gestured her to hit on me haha. He thought I didn't see that, but the woman realized I saw that and she reacted in kind of a shy way. But that plan of his didn't work either, but I was lucky regarding that, because it actually turned out she slept with him to get the job. Oh my.

 

He was kind of like a big kid, shameless in every way. I thought it was kind of funny, but that type of character both has its advantages and disadvantages in business. Our new CEO is all about toughness, but he's good, he's steering the ship in the right direction, business is recovering slowly now.

Edited April 18, 2011 by Nexus One

[Kamille]

My previous CEO, who got fired recently but that's besides the point, was amazingly social. Regularly groups of people(potential clients) would be visiting the company that nobody(including him) had ever seen and our CEO would just jump right into that group cracking a joke and they all started talking like they knew each other for years. Every now and then he would just show up with a celebrity to do business with and everyone is like, how and where the hell does he find and meet all these people?

 

He even tried to hook me up with a woman on more than one occasion. He called me to come to his office and said: "Nexus, I'm going to hook you up with a woman", I looked at a female manager sitting next to him, as in, is he serious? And she just nodded yes very seriously. "I'm going to arrange for her to work with you on such and such", all of which I didn't need any help with.

 

Anyways, his plan didn't work. So then he upped the ante and put an assistant of some celebrity to work right in front of me and one time he came in the office and gestured her to hit on me haha. He thought I didn't see that, but the woman realized I saw that and she reacted in kind of a shy way. But that plan of his didn't work either, but I was lucky regarding that, because it actually turned out she slept with him to get the job. Oh my.

 

He was kind of like a big kid, shameless in every way. I thought it was kind of funny, but that type of character both has its advantages and disadvantages in business. Our new CEO is all about toughness, but he's good, he's steering the ship in the right direction, business is recovering slowly now.

 

Your ex-CEO honestly sounds like he doesn't grasp professional boundaries. Glad you're rid of him.

 

The study wasn't referring so much to being social, but more to being a cultural omnivore, that is, to be able to talk about highbrow and low-brow culture.

[thatone]

 

The study wasn't referring so much to being social, but more to being a cultural omnivore, that is, to be able to talk about highbrow and low-brow culture.

 

i wholeheartedly agree with that. and not just in a personal sense, but in a business sense as well. if you can't deal with anyone unlike yourself how can you do your job well?

 

i think a lot of it is the educational differences now versus decades ago. heard a great debate on NPR about that one day, detailing how we now teach our kids to specialize their education to get a specific job and don't teach them how to function. whereas in eras past a liberal education including arts, history, architecture, social skills, etc was a luxury everyone wanted but only few could have.

 

look at these executives who wind up being reporter targets when they commit some white collar crime and wind up with news trucks outside of their houses. they live in giant plastic suburban houses that other than being bigger, are exactly like the mailroom guy's rent house a few miles away.

 

you see that with kids in their 20s who move away from home for the first time especially. they can't even make two rooms in an apartment look nice, because their parents' house didn't look nice either and they have no point of reference to go by.

[orangelady]

join the Toastmasters. Some interesting and smart ladies there. Join anything requires using the brains a little and you'll meet others like yourself.