dreamingoftigers Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 Here is what I wanted for my life first and foremost: A little family, A husband with me that wasn't a supermodel in fact I didn't care too damn much what he looked like. Someone that was loyal, laughed, wasn't abusive or an active addict and loved to cuddle with me. Someone that would be excited for our children and would want to go on a date night once a week. Was this so out of line with reality nowadays?
thatdog Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 Apparently so... I grew up feeling the same way. But tbh off the top of my head I can think of only 2 or 3 people I know who seem to feel the same way.
Feelin Frisky Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 Sounds more than reasonable and doable to me.
Author dreamingoftigers Posted April 18, 2011 Author Posted April 18, 2011 Not really, he is still at treatment but I am just pretty fed up of watching other people have a half-decent life that had a waaaaayyy lower regard for their families then I did/do. As well, I just don't ****ing get how someone can be so detached and not give a **** after having a child with someone. How does someone just not give a **** and be so selfish? I get told dumb **** like "that's your problem." Well, ****, he is right, he has no problem with being a jackass so it is my problem..... But was expecting any better way out of line to begin with?
thatdog Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 Depends on how he acted beforehand. But assuming you have at least half a brain (which all the posts of yours I've seen seem to indicate) then he obviously must have undergone some kind of dramatic change since then. Which is obv his fault. Not much you can do there but suck it up. And as for the people you see that have ok marriages and don't seem to put in any effort, remember they're more like your H than you so hopefully you can feel some empathy for their poor spouses who also have to put up with some of the same ****.
PollyIvy Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 Here is what I wanted for my life first and foremost: A little family, A husband with me that wasn't a supermodel in fact I didn't care too damn much what he looked like. Someone that was loyal, laughed, wasn't abusive or an active addict and loved to cuddle with me. Someone that would be excited for our children and would want to go on a date night once a week. Was this so out of line with reality nowadays? A family, a date night, a cuddle on the sofa with a sweet-but-homely fella: your expectations are totally unreasonable and out of touch with reality! Next you'll be wanting a sober guy who does dishes, a family movie night, or something INSANE like that.
betterdeal Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 What is it you gain from your current relationship?
hoping2heal Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 Here is what I wanted for my life first and foremost: A little family, A husband with me that wasn't a supermodel in fact I didn't care too damn much what he looked like. Someone that was loyal, laughed, wasn't abusive or an active addict and loved to cuddle with me. Someone that would be excited for our children and would want to go on a date night once a week. Was this so out of line with reality nowadays? I don't think it is too much to ask at all. What was your H like before you married him?
xxoo Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 Was this so out of line with reality nowadays? No, it isn't. It has to be what both partners really want, though. You can't make it so on your own if he wants something else. I don't think it has much to do with "nowadays". There have always been damaged, abusive, addicted people screwing up relationships
Author dreamingoftigers Posted April 19, 2011 Author Posted April 19, 2011 So why do you put up with it it? Who says I put up with it? The fact that I am still married does not mean that I have collaborated with the behaviour. In fact, every time it has reared it's ugly head I have done a different combination of reactions to deal with it/end it. At this point my H is in treatment. I think that that is HUGE, and not a sign of no forward momentum. As long as there is directionality and I have laid proper boundaries, I don't see the point in clipping off the relationship without trying all that I can (options have run slim however. And so has my patience.) A family, a date night, a cuddle on the sofa with a sweet-but-homely fella: your expectations are totally unreasonable and out of touch with reality! Next you'll be wanting a sober guy who does dishes, a family movie night, or something INSANE like that. My God, I used to have that! We used to cuddle and he would do so much housework (I think he did way more then his share and I didn't appreciate it enough. ) What is it you gain from your current relationship? At this point: a lot of time to myself. I don't think it is too much to ask at all. What was your H like before you married him? Completely 100% different. For the first 3 years I thought that I was the most insanely luckiest woman alive. I remember being about 7 months pregnant thinking that if anything ever happened to him it would be so sad because his daughter would never know how close he was to a saint. She would never believe it. It is scary to see the turnaround. I never never never had any real reason to suspect what was happening. It took me over a year to even accept that it was real. It didn't make sense to me. My husband seemed so into me, so caring, affectionate, excited, wanting to know my feelings, experience things together, be sexual, have a family, achieve dreams. He was driven, ambitious, motivated, fun and adventurous. Yes we argued, but we also spent 24 hours a day together for about the first two years! No, it isn't. It has to be what both partners really want, though. You can't make it so on your own if he wants something else. I don't think it has much to do with "nowadays". There have always been damaged, abusive, addicted people screwing up relationships Blah, reality can sure suck sometimes.... I feel kind of stigmatized by all of this. I hate that, because I didn't give up on our marriage or give up hope. If the final split happens, I will see so much of myself as "divorced" which is okay for other people IMO but I took so my of my self-esteem from my relationship that I have no idea how long it will take to recreate and recover.
betterdeal Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 You do put up with it as you haven't walked away. Your actions say so. I'm not saying you enable it. I am interested in why you haven't walked. From what you've said, you miss the well version of your husband, and you think having a good father is important for your child. I'm assuming these are the main reasons, and I think they're very good reasons. It must be very hard for you. When did he start going off the rails? Was it predicated by the conception or birth of your child? I ask because you say you spent 24/7 together I have the hunch that it might be a change in the dynamic between you two that revealed this weakness in your hubby. I know it's not your job to fix him, and figuring out what sent him off the rails is part of that, so maybe this line of enquiry is unwelcome. If so, I apologise.
Author dreamingoftigers Posted April 19, 2011 Author Posted April 19, 2011 You do put up with it as you haven't walked away. Your actions say so. I'm not saying you enable it. I am interested in why you haven't walked. From what you've said, you miss the well version of your husband, and you think having a good father is important for your child. I'm assuming these are the main reasons, and I think they're very good reasons. I didn't walk because there were treatment options available for him to take. At this point though, I actually think that we are past that. I am realizing the longer that he is gone, the deep damage that he did and how ridiculously he treated me. He still acts as though I am the worse party and I have lost a lot of sympathy for him, especially because he put porn before being a Dad. It must be very hard for you. When did he start going off the rails? Was it predicated by the conception or birth of your child? I ask because you say you spent 24/7 together I have the hunch that it might be a change in the dynamic between you two that revealed this weakness in your hubby. I don't know when he went off the rails, but I found out at 8 months pregnant. We were already approaching sexless before her conception though. I know it's not your job to fix him, and figuring out what sent him off the rails is part of that, so maybe this line of enquiry is unwelcome. If so, I apologise. He has always had an underlying issue with sex that he thought disappeared when he quit alcohol. His childhood was pretty messed up and that alone creates a sexual addict. I doubt many people had a childhood as messed up as him.
hoping2heal Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 He has always had an underlying issue with sex that he thought disappeared when he quit alcohol. His childhood was pretty messed up and that alone creates a sexual addict. I doubt many people had a childhood as messed up as him. Has the subject of self-sabotaging come up yet? I am not trying to downplay the legitimacy of his sexual addiction. I just wanted to throw that out there. I mean, three years is a damn long time to put on an act and either he was emulating emotions because he is so out of touch with his own, or I think there is a major element of self-sabotage going on here. It makes sense that a happy, stable life together scared the living daylights out of him and he thought it better to try and make the train crash, rather than sit around waiting for the day it happens so to speak. Just a thought.
Author dreamingoftigers Posted April 19, 2011 Author Posted April 19, 2011 Has the subject of self-sabotaging come up yet? I am not trying to downplay the legitimacy of his sexual addiction. I just wanted to throw that out there. I mean, three years is a damn long time to put on an act and either he was emulating emotions because he is so out of touch with his own, or I think there is a major element of self-sabotage going on here. It makes sense that a happy, stable life together scared the living daylights out of him and he thought it better to try and make the train crash, rather than sit around waiting for the day it happens so to speak. Just a thought. Oh yeah, I see a lot of that dynamic too, I think that he got abandoned so many times in childhood that he somehow went right in for the area that would smash me the most and force me to eventually abandon him. It was subtlely done though, which is interesting. He knew from the beginning that if it was alcohol that I would leave him for sure no question. Since then though he has done a variety of really weird, passive rejections. Truly I think that it has more to do with fatherhood then being a husband to me. I think he is terrified of being a father (consequently I am terrified of being a mother as well) and trainwrecking this relationship has allowed him and I to somewhat block out the parental stresses and try to deal with each other's issues (all very unhealthy). Since the second I went NC today, I felt the instant urge to bond with my kid more then ever. I feel very ashamed to admit this but I believe that I replicated my home template. My mother hyper-focused on my father and his issues while both ignored their responsibility as parents. I think that if I cut contact with my husband for awhile that he will have to deal with it all on his own (or avoid it until his death). I also knew that by cutting contact with him that I would jump-start working on my own issues (Which has happened) and that I wouldn't want him around too much anymore (which has also happened).
betterdeal Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 Ah, so he uses sex as a distraction, projects his issues onto you, and now that his surrogate mother has an actual child to care for, has retreated into his comfort zone. I like that you're realising the offences caused and letting the anger out. Keep your feelings flowing and you'll feel good for it.
Author dreamingoftigers Posted April 19, 2011 Author Posted April 19, 2011 It's odd, I had a hard time being angry any time I was trying to encourage him to work on the issues, because my focus was on trying to save our family. Then when he does work on the issues I try to be supportive and he screams and wails about how "it's not good enough" no matter what I try to do to be supportive. Then I just get angry and everything flows, often after he has pushed every single button. The latest button is that "I have to move, or else we can't do a proper healing seperation." Screw that, I am not moving because he wants me to anymore. I have moved 6 times since we got married, and if he thinks he gets automatic half-time with our two year old after jacking off in public parking lots in his car with a blanket on his lap, he must be confused. Everyone I have talked to since says that this is super-high-rish behaviour. I am not concerned that he would harm her in any way whatsoever. But I am concerned that if he brought her over to "his place" (he doesn't have a place yet) that he would shut the door to her room and stay up all night either meeting women or drinking energy drinks and watching porn while our daughter gets neglected. I really wouldn't put it past him. Since he has been gone he has barely seen her and not followed-through on two tries for contact with her.
hoping2heal Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 Oh yeah, I see a lot of that dynamic too, I think that he got abandoned so many times in childhood that he somehow went right in for the area that would smash me the most and force me to eventually abandon him. It was subtlely done though, which is interesting. He knew from the beginning that if it was alcohol that I would leave him for sure no question. Since then though he has done a variety of really weird, passive rejections. Truly I think that it has more to do with fatherhood then being a husband to me. I think he is terrified of being a father (consequently I am terrified of being a mother as well) and trainwrecking this relationship has allowed him and I to somewhat block out the parental stresses and try to deal with each other's issues (all very unhealthy). Since the second I went NC today, I felt the instant urge to bond with my kid more then ever. I feel very ashamed to admit this but I believe that I replicated my home template. My mother hyper-focused on my father and his issues while both ignored their responsibility as parents. I think that if I cut contact with my husband for awhile that he will have to deal with it all on his own (or avoid it until his death). I also knew that by cutting contact with him that I would jump-start working on my own issues (Which has happened) and that I wouldn't want him around too much anymore (which has also happened). I think you hit the nail on the head with the fatherhood thing. I think that probably triggered a lot of trauma from his abusive childhood, and that is not at all uncommon. Granted, not everyone deals with it that way but it does happen. Really sad scenario for all three of you I know right now you are working on your own issues and don't want him back but do you think you could ever forgive him? The sad thing in most of these cases is the person pushes until the point of break, and then when it's broken and the other person leaves they can sit back and tell themselves "See, he/she didn't really love me, See, they would have left me." It's just a very distorted and bleak place to be.
betterdeal Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 Where he lives is his problem. If he thinks you're mean, that's his problem. If he thinks you're a bad person, that's his problem. There comes a point when you look at this person with whom you did a lot of recovery together, with whom you shared affection and passion and honesty, and you see them completely differently. The sparkle has gone. Your rose tinted spectacles have slipped. There's this furious toddler in front of you, lashing out at you for all manner of things that you did not do, and you know the calm, loving, tender aspect of them co-exists with the raging fury. Whilst you feel sorry for their plight, you are tired of being the feeding stock for an emotion vampire. It's a vortex of sh*t and when you get out of it, you may throw a life-ring or even point out where the shore is but you sure aint going to climb back in there. I presume you've changed your locks and phone number?
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