How do you deal cynicism?

[Woggle]

I am fully aware that I sound like a broken record at this point but it is how I feel. Despite being married to a great woman and if I am honest with myself knowing a good number of great women I just can't help looking at women in a negative light. Whenever I think of relationships I see it in terms of men vs women because that is honestly what it appears to be from my point of view. It seems there is so much hatred and mistrust between men and women these days. When I read comments on boards about women cheating I wonder how many women deep down really feel like that.

 

I am sorry to any good women I might offend but how do you change your perspective when it seems like the 100% truth from your point of view?

 

I am in counseling and I try to talk myself out of feeling this way but I just go right back to the negativity.

[quankanne]

I guess it's kinda like when you get a new car ... suddenly, it seems like everyone is driving the same model you are!

 

if you surround yourself with negativity, you attract it. In this case, your bad experiences with your ex and your mom are such a huge part of you that you automatically tend to look for those things in other relationships, and can't quite believe there are decent women out there even though you've got proof in your now-wife.

 

maybe it's time to cut yourself off from those influences that reinforce the negative thinking: Curtail relationships with friends who spout negativity, stop reading or watching stuff that put interpersonal M/F relationships in a bad light, etc. Because, frankly, it sounds like it's eating you alive, and your focus ought to be on your relationship with your wife. Believe me, when you surround yourself with good, you automatically start responding to it, and begin looking for it.

 

not trying to push anything on you, but have you ever thought about praying for divine inspiration? Even something so simple as "Lord, help me see the good"? Sometimes that helps refocus your thought on stuff that is positive ...

 

I know you struggle with this, and I think that once you find the key, you're gonna experience a "conversion" in that you'll see the positive in M/F relationships, because deep down, I sense that you're a good guy.

 

hugs,

q

[welikeincrowds]

You can start by not going to that damn cheating section anymore. ****, you have got to stop doing that!

 

I really don't think you should feel bad about posting here about this topic. I know it seems recurring, but unlike some other threads (like the Indian guy who is insecure about white girls, or the "If you're ugly you'll ______" threads), which are whiny and self-indulgent and cowardly, I think your posts present a significant, deeply felt struggle, a pretty fundamental at that, and I empathize with you and appreciate your courage in sharing this issue.

 

Sometimes I wonder if you want to punish yourself with this pain. Meaning doesn't exist outside of us; we give meaning to things. In life you choose to seek the negative, and there's a reason for it.

[quankanne]

and I guess the question you need to ask yourself is, "Why is it so important that I hang on to this outlook/attitude? And is it worth sabotaging my happiness to keep believing this way?"

 

it's all a matter of deciding what's most important in your life – being consumed with negativity doesn't really accomplish anything in the long run

[quankanne]

Meaning doesn't exist outside of us; we give meaning to things.

 

I like these words ...

[Woggle]

I don't want to punish myself but I don't want to turn a blind eye either.

[carhill]

Eyes open. Head calm. Embrace the cynical as one potential viewpoint. Potentials don't have to rule. You make the choice.

[Cee]

I'm extremely cynical about the US political system and it being in bed with the corporations. I want to be a responsible citizen, but I feel angry and helpless. I vent my spleen with other people of my political persuasion and that helps a lot. It also helps to stay connected with idealistic people who continue to fight despite it being an uphill battle.

 

Personally, I suggest you laugh about it. I listen to George Carlin, Jon Stewart, and Steven Colbert and that is soothing to me. Maybe you can find a comedian who is speaking your language and have a good, long laugh. I'm not versed on the gender comedians, although I'm sure there are several. I'm a huge fan of Demetri Martin. I don't think he does much gender stuff, but I think he's hilarious.

[NoMagicBullet]

maybe it's time to cut yourself off from those influences that reinforce the negative thinking: Curtail relationships with friends who spout negativity, stop reading or watching stuff that put interpersonal M/F relationships in a bad light, etc. Because, frankly, it sounds like it's eating you alive, and your focus ought to be on your relationship with your wife. Believe me, when you surround yourself with good, you automatically start responding to it, and begin looking for it.

 

I agree 100%. I'd suggest taking the time & energy spent with negative activities and people and putting that time & energy into socializing with others who have positive relationships, reading about ways to enjoy and improve your relationship with your wife, and most of all, spend time with your wife -- time where you both enjoy being together and deepen your relationship.

 

And I hate to say it: don't spend too much time on LS. Especially not reading cheating threads! Cheating aside, there's a lot of cynical men vs. women attitudes here. There's good advice, too, but I notice I feel better about male/female relationships when I haven't read anything on LS for a while. That said, it's time for me to log out and start feeling more optimistic!

[Feelin Frisky]

Has you counseling carried you to medication? I have had periods of "pattern thinking" where I amplify my own frustrations and make things worse that they really are. The medication I take, Prozac, effectively helps me catch myself and let go of the negatives that I sometimes give too much life to. I couldn't just reason this away by myself--I didn't know how to "feel" differently. So, no my thoughts precede my feelings rather than my feelings just triggering unwanted thoughts. If you haven't gone that route it may be worth looking into. Good luck.

[D-Lish]

I don't want to punish myself but I don't want to turn a blind eye either.

 

Honestly Woggle, I think you need to be suspicious of humankind in general. You have trust issues, and I think it's safe to say a lot of us do. It's the bad people out there, the people that hurt us, that affect our ability to trust. That's why people should be discerning when choosing friends and romantic partners.

 

However, you are involved in a marriage with a woman that has earned your trust. You know in your heart how good she is- and you say it often here on LS.

 

I don't know why you spend time surfing the infidelity forums. You're just supporting your negative thought process by doing so. If you go into those forums, you're going to find exactly what one would expect- people cheating!

 

Therapy works, have you ever done it or thought about it?

[quankanne]

I don't want to punish myself but I don't want to turn a blind eye either.

 

no one is saying don't turn a blind eye or not have an opinion, we're merely suggesting you get over your obsession with it. You're allowed to be happy, you're allowed to love your wife with abandon even if it seems silly to an outsider, simply because it's Y'ALLS business. Don't worry so much about the other women ... unless you'd rather be with them instead of your wife?

[threebyfate]

Give yourself permission to be happy. It absolutely rocks!

[J200]

You know how I choose to deal with it? I choose to stay single. Do not EVER want to get married or have kids. I am a very anti social person so this is not hard for me; I am very solitary and like to spend a lot of time alone. Doesn't mean I won't have sex or date a guy super duper casually; just no relationship for me ever. I plan to die alone; I don't need anyone.

[Citizen Erased]

You choose your misery. You feed it constantly, knowing that the feelings you have aren't right but they're safe and warm and you love it. You hate women. I don't care how many times you backtrack with "oh but I didn't mean ALL women are cheating greedy gold diggers". Please.

 

It's your choice to be like that. You're being awful to your wife in the process and IMHO it makes you a bad husband. But it's just so interesting to rip on another gender for you.

 

But continue your little cycle and people will continue to feed you by trying to save you. You haven't changed in years, you're just more in control of it on here.

[Eddie Edirol]

I don't want to punish myself but I don't want to turn a blind eye either.

 

I see your point, but I live like this:

 

I try to control my cynicism by coming up with my conclusions using evidence and proof, rather than speculation.

 

Youve been on this website long enough to be able to see red flags, and know exactly what they are, and how to avoid them - rather than thinking something will happen just cuz you believe it will.

[Woggle]

I don't hate women but I feel like I am constantly being forced to defend myself because I was born with a penis. When I am told that I deserve to be treated the way I have been in the past just because I was born with a penis how do you expect me to react? Do you expect me to sit back and say gee I do deserve to be treated like crap because I have a penis?

[D-Lish]

I don't hate women but I feel like I am constantly being forced to defend myself because I was born with a penis. When I am told that I deserve to be treated the way I have been in the past just because I was born with a penis how do you expect me to react? Do you expect me to sit back and say gee I do deserve to be treated like crap because I have a penis?

 

It's no different having a vagina Woggle. Women experience the same feelings of persecution.

[J200]

I don't hate women but I feel like I am constantly being forced to defend myself because I was born with a penis. When I am told that I deserve to be treated the way I have been in the past just because I was born with a penis how do you expect me to react? Do you expect me to sit back and say gee I do deserve to be treated like crap because I have a penis?

 

My ex used to do that to me because I was a woman; I had to bear sins for all women ever. When we got in a fight he would say things like "We men go to war!, what do you do? Your're a bitch whore. It's us the men that die!" when the fight was completely unrelated. Plus my ex was never in the military at all! He just thought that since other guys did he could take the credit for that or use that during our arguments to bring me down.

 

Plus he would say things like "You think you can say that because you are a woman?" or things like "oh you think you can paint your face and now you think you're all that?" and other weird things.

[Woggle]

It's no different having a vagina Woggle. Women experience the same feelings of persecution.

 

Maybe but I feel like most though not all women want me to suffer for something I had nothing to do with and I am sick of it. I was just reading this article about women cheating and I see all these comments about how it is about time men get the tables turned on them but then I see women on hear getting up in arms about porn. Looking at images you don't actually interact with is a major sin yet a woman actually cheating is perfectly okay? Does this make any sense to you?

 

This is why I always defend porn. If women defend their sisters who blatantly betray a man then I will defend looking at images.

[D-Lish]

Maybe but I feel like most though not all women want me to suffer for something I had nothing to do with and I am sick of it. I was just reading this article about women cheating and I see all these comments about how it is about time men get the tables turned on them but then I see women on hear getting up in arms about porn. Looking at images you don't actually interact with is a major sin yet a woman actually cheating is perfectly okay? Does this make any sense to you?

 

This is why I always defend porn. If women defend their sisters who blatantly betray a man then I will defend looking at images.

 

Well I have never personally cared if my man looked at porn. I just assume most guys do, and I like to watch it too sometimes.

 

Woggs, I've never cheated on a guy in my life. Some of my gf's have, and some of them haven't.

 

I'd love to be in your position, and have someone by my side that just wants to be with me.

[Woggle]

What am I supposed to think when I read something like this?

 

http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&cd=4&ved=0CEsQFjAD&url=http%3A%2F%2Fallwomenstalk.com%2Fdo-women-in-great-relationships-cheat%2F&ei=UbqrTcO2DM7dgQeJoeDzBQ&usg=AFQjCNGlqD7A48wD_cr1RlCqWXvygMvAnQ

[dreamingoftigers]

Did you get my PM?

[J200]

What am I supposed to think when I read something like this?

 

http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&cd=4&ved=0CEsQFjAD&url=http%3A%2F%2Fallwomenstalk.com%2Fdo-women-in-great-relationships-cheat%2F&ei=UbqrTcO2DM7dgQeJoeDzBQ&usg=AFQjCNGlqD7A48wD_cr1RlCqWXvygMvAnQ

 

 

http://www.lifescript.com/life/relationships/wreckage/6_reasons_why_men_cheat.aspx

 

The No.1 reason: Men crave sexual “variety,” according to David Buss, professor of psychology at the University of Texas and author of The Evolution of Desire: Strategies of Human Mating (BasicBooks).

 

“They’ve evolved the desire to be with different women,” he says.

 

That’s because it’s very simple for men to reproduce (one act of sex versus nine months of pregnancy for women), so to create as many offspring as possible they’re biologically programmed to mate with many women.

 

5. Blame it on the “hunter.”

Often, married men who cheat can’t quite explain their motivation. They just find themselves compelled to bust out of their day-to-day routine in search of something new. It’s a primitive instinct that dates back to their role as hunter and gatherer – only this time, they’re hunting and gathering new women.

 

6. Biology, baby.

“It’s our biological nature to be with as many females as possible,” Santagati says.

 

“Once we’ve seen a woman naked several times, it becomes commonplace. It doesn’t matter if you’re Jessica Alba or Sienna Miller, we become accustomed to your body and want to experience something different – different lips, different body types. We’re only monogamous because we realize that love and friendship are more important than getting laid.”

Edited April 18, 2011 by J200

[welikeincrowds]

Woggle, do you like school?

 

Have you ever considered taking a course in feminism?