4 Year Relationship; I'm the Dumpee in NC, Guilt and Sadness

[GildedLily]

I just ended a four year (lesbian) relationship with my girlfriend. This was my first lesbian relationship. I am am 32 yrs old and she is 26 yrs old. Although I have always considered myself hetero, I meet her and felt a spark so I went for it. I hope people will still answer me even though I was not in a traditional hetero-relationship.

 

Background: we meet at a tumultuous time in my life, 6 mths after a breakup with my boyfriend. We had instant physical chemistry and some puppy dog emotional chemistry. As time went on we moved in together (6mths) she started to place demands on me to "come out" Something I never planned to do because I had always been hetero or at most bi-sexual. Another thing was we started fighting A LOT, some times daily, some times so bad that I would pack my stuff up and be almost gone and she would stop me. I found her extremely child- like and we never did have intelligent conversations about our feelings; when I wanted to talk she never would. I chalked that up to her being young. At the time I wasn't talking to my family so I had know one in my life except her so I stayed.

 

Years 2-3 were super tumultuous, we fought and would do the break up and get back together thing about 7-8 times a YEAR. When we would break up she sometimes move out for as long as 7 months but we still saw each other and dated.

 

About a year ago; I saw her Myspace and found out that she was talking to about 2-3 girls that she had met on a dating site. One of the girls she was trying to meet in person while I was out of town! I confronted her and she DENIED the whole thing even though I had the proof (screen shot) So after I saw her reaction I knew I could never trust her or even work through it with her because she denied it. I end up moving out of the state to work but we "stayed together" she would visit me and we talked about her moving to live with me. We continued to fight over the phone but not as much and she promised that when I was there in front of her we would have a heart to heart talk about everything (trust issues, feelings etc..)

 

Present: My job in the other state didn't work out so I decided to come back and live with her figuring that she had promised to really talk things through me and we would be okay. I get home and she totally backed out of the promise laughing as I asked to talk about my feelings and saying "that's so gay, I just want to chill" Within four days she starts snapping at me for something small, in an angry hateful tone that came out of no where. We had been having a nice day getting coffee and a movie and she MISUNDERSTOOD someone I asked about and snapped at me. She didn't let up, getting annoyed about me asking for 1% milk in my coffee the next day saying "why do always have to change things you order?" asking for my car keys and leaving me sitting inside the restaurant alone.

 

On the way home she said " I think we need to take a break" I said "a break like we see other people?" and she said "yes" (mind you I live with her and she knew I had no where else to go. I said to her "after my moving back and you telling me I have a home here and after 4 yrs of being together ARE YOU SURE?" She said "Yes" So I took my stuff and moved out of her place (to live w family) While I was leaving she was trying to say that to not go and that I can stay there, afterwards I am getting non stop texts and phone calls, like 5-10 a day, things like "please come back, I didn't really mean it and we always break up and manage to work things out" "I can't live without you" " I'm so alone at least be there for me as a friend" even ones were she's wanting me to check in on her because she is worried she won't wake up from taking a xanex. Today she wrote me on facebook and said "I love you so much you don't even know" and then defriended me.

 

Thing is she's making me so sad, because I am staying with my family who I never got along with anyway, and I just feel like I have no one to lean on. In my heart I know that I don't want to go back; I love her BUT she's never given me what I needed; emotional and mental chemistry. But we've broken up and gotten back together so many times that I feel like I have some kind of addiction to getting back with her. Please HELP ME not to go back and be strong and advice would be so appreciated!!! Thank you so much:)

[Confusedwheretogo]

Don't get back together with her, she sounds really immature, and unsure of what she wants. She was talking to other people behind your back, and she says she loves you... you deserve better than that, and like you said, you can't trust her after that. Also, she has to realize that if she wants to be in a serious relationship, she has to talk and listen to the other person... that's what a relationship is. She is being really selfish by ignoring your requests to talk.

[GildedLily]

Thank you for reading my story, yeah she's very immature, I'm starting to think she's BPD. The sadness is so overwhelming now..

 

Anyone else have a take on this?

[maya arrow]

She sounds like an ex of mine. Point blank--I think she is using you. You are her security blanket...and when you are around, she feels good and can trample all over you and do what she wants. When you are gone, she feels alone and scared. That isn't love. It's codependence...and despite what she says, a person who loves you is kind and thoughtful and considerate towards you when you are together.

 

She has deep-rooted insecurity issues... and I think you are both addicted to the drama. I know that I was. Go non-contact. It was the best thing that I did with my ex because once I was free of him, (even though i thought i still wanted him), i realised how much happier I was without him. I am sure she is a good person deep down, but that doesn't matter. She is toxic to you. You have to go cold turkey.