Heidi89 Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 (edited) I was wondering if anybody had any insight as to how people deal with emotions after a break up, particularly in the case of male dumpers... My ex broke up with me two months ago and has showed no sign of emotion. He hasn't opened up to anybody about it and has kept it to himself. He still won't see me after all this time even just to exchange the last of our things. A few friends think that he has not dealt with his emotions yet because he is keeping so busy partying, and that he avoids seeing me because he knows this would bring up those emotions. We didn't have a bad break up, but it kind of came out of nowhere. Yes, there was an argument that led to it but it could have been worked through if we talked about it. He just said he still loved me but he needed time alone. I worsened the situation by begging etc but started NC after two weeks. Other people think that he has dealt with his emotions on his own and just simply doesn't care. Surely if this was the case he would at least see me one last time to say goodbye? If he was indifferent towards me then what would be the problem with seeing me? I guess what I'm getting at is..do men ever bury their emotions as a way of coping? And do these emotions ever resurface? Surely it would be unhealthy if they didn't? Edited April 17, 2011 by Heidi89
WTRanger Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Don't waste your time trying to figure out his emotions, his way of coping, or his feelings. You'll never find the answer you are looking for and any sort of answer just leads to 50 more questions. No one can ever come close to trying to figure out the mind of someone else. But you know a mind you can figure out? That's right! Yours! Instead, spend that time focusing on you. Deal with YOUR healing process. Deal with your emotions. Everything you just asked is like if you dangle a cupcake just out of reach in front of you, climb on a treadmill, and try to catch it.
Author Heidi89 Posted April 17, 2011 Author Posted April 17, 2011 Don't waste your time trying to figure out his emotions, his way of coping, or his feelings. You'll never find the answer you are looking for and any sort of answer just leads to 50 more questions. No one can ever come close to trying to figure out the mind of someone else. But you know a mind you can figure out? That's right! Yours! Instead, spend that time focusing on you. Deal with YOUR healing process. Deal with your emotions. Everything you just asked is like if you dangle a cupcake just out of reach in front of you, climb on a treadmill, and try to catch it. I know, I am trying. I just feel like we've broken up all over again because exchanging things is so final! Taking it pretty bad.. Can't seem to deal with the thought of us never talking again
D-Lish Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Heidi, Sorry you are having a bad day today girl. Some men just don't deal with emotions well. As others have said, don't waste energy trying to figure out what he's feeling, because doing so isn't going to help you move forward. I suspect he's not coming by to get his things because he can't deal with it yet. No one leaves a relationship and just stops thinking about the other person!
Author Heidi89 Posted April 17, 2011 Author Posted April 17, 2011 Heidi, Sorry you are having a bad day today girl. Some men just don't deal with emotions well. As others have said, don't waste energy trying to figure out what he's feeling, because doing so isn't going to help you move forward. I suspect he's not coming by to get his things because he can't deal with it yet. No one leaves a relationship and just stops thinking about the other person! Hey D-Lish, he stopped by to get his stuff from my mum so that's it. He also said to her that I needed to learn a lesson not to treat people the way I do and take them for granted. Ouch. Devastated by that
D-Lish Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Hey D-Lish, he stopped by to get his stuff from my mum so that's it. He also said to her that I needed to learn a lesson not to treat people the way I do and take them for granted. Ouch. Devastated by that What exactly does that mean? Does he think you treated him badly?
Irishlove Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 How old is he? Younger guys can shove it under a rug and move on. Too many fish in the sea. Older men will stew over it and be quiet, slightly older men will stew on it, not for long and want answer but have a harder time moving on.
Eddie Edirol Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Hey D-Lish, he stopped by to get his stuff from my mum so that's it. He also said to her that I needed to learn a lesson not to treat people the way I do and take them for granted. Ouch. Devastated by that I dont believe he has any emotions to deal with. What usually happens around here is a person has emotionally checked out of the relationship months before they dump you. Then by the time they break it off, they are pretty much finished with you. Its pretty textbook. happens here all the time. So if your ex is partying, and not talking about the breakup, its probably because hes not thinking about it. Hes over it, and he has moved on already. Hes probably avoiding talking to you because he doesnt want to be reminded that he broke your heart. Guys hate seeing women cry in front of them, especially when they dont care. ive been in this situation, and talking to a woman that ive dumped doesnt stir up any emotions after Ive already let go. It just makes her hurt more, and makes me feel sorry for her, but im not hurt at all. Usually when people say they need time alone, its just to get the dumpee to leave them alone, but in a cowardly way. For your purposes, the evidence leads to him not caring, and I would assume that so you can move on with your life. Im pretty sure your friends are telling you that he hasnt dealt with his emotions to make you feel better, but probably because they dont want to be the ones to tell you the harsh truth.
Author Heidi89 Posted April 17, 2011 Author Posted April 17, 2011 I dont believe he has any emotions to deal with. What usually happens around here is a person has emotionally checked out of the relationship months before they dump you. Then by the time they break it off, they are pretty much finished with you. Its pretty textbook. happens here all the time. So if your ex is partying, and not talking about the breakup, its probably because hes not thinking about it. Hes over it, and he has moved on already. Hes probably avoiding talking to you because he doesnt want to be reminded that he broke your heart. Guys hate seeing women cry in front of them, especially when they dont care. ive been in this situation, and talking to a woman that ive dumped doesnt stir up any emotions after Ive already let go. It just makes her hurt more, and makes me feel sorry for her, but im not hurt at all. Usually when people say they need time alone, its just to get the dumpee to leave them alone, but in a cowardly way. For your purposes, the evidence leads to him not caring, and I would assume that so you can move on with your life. Im pretty sure your friends are telling you that he hasnt dealt with his emotions to make you feel better, but probably because they dont want to be the ones to tell you the harsh truth. I don't think he emotionally checked out months before. Not at all. But I appreciate your opinion so thank you!
WTRanger Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 I don't think he emotionally checked out months before. Not at all. But I appreciate your opinion so thank you! Check back in with us in 6 months and we'll see if you still agree with your above quote. You just don't see it now because everything is still fresh. No one, and I mean no one, just dumps someone without having first dealt with it on their own. You want to know why it seems as if he doesn't care? He was dealing with the break up while the two of you were still together. He's got a head start on you. So, forgive me if I haven't really read your other threads, but how exactly did you two break up? What does he mean by his comments about teaching you a lesson? Is there any truth to what he said?
D-Lish Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 Check back in with us in 6 months and we'll see if you still agree with your above quote. You just don't see it now because everything is still fresh. No one, and I mean no one, just dumps someone without having first dealt with it on their own. You want to know why it seems as if he doesn't care? He was dealing with the break up while the two of you were still together. He's got a head start on you. So, forgive me if I haven't really read your other threads, but how exactly did you two break up? What does he mean by his comments about teaching you a lesson? Is there any truth to what he said? I have to agree with you WT. I knew my bf was checking out in the last 6 weeks of our relationship- I just didn't want to believe it. I think you instinctively know these things, and may just choose to ignore it. One big fight may be the final straw, put that straw has been piling up for some time.
Movingthrough Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 I have read a few threads on here where the girl talks about the "last goodbye" and staying on good terms etc. Nothing wrong with that, but from a guys point of view...we dont really do that. If its over its over and there is no point sticking around, we dont always get there as quick as he has but once we hit the wall, there isnt much else to do. I dont think he buried anything. He doesnt want that wound to open again, thats why you dont hear back about getting your things etc. Like WT said, he has already processed this at some point, it hurts to hear that but he had his time. Personally i dont agree when people process a breakup DURING a relationship. Break it off then deal with it, dont drag anyone along. Thats off topic but to me it sounds like you both are doing you own way of healing, even if it is him out partying etc. I would let it go and dont try to contact him, you wont get what you want.
poorguy Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 Men keep their mouths shut often times....whether they have moved on or not they have to keep their chin up. I could be dying inside but nobody but me Would know it. In the U.S thats the standard. Doesnt mean we dont think about it all the time though
poorguy Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 Men keep their mouths shut often times....whether they have moved on or not they have to keep their chin up. I could be dying inside but nobody but me Would know it. In the U.S thats the standard. Doesnt mean we dont think about it all the time though
Eddie Edirol Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 I don't think he emotionally checked out months before. Not at all. But I appreciate your opinion so thank you! Everyone who is freshly dumped always says that for the first month, until they see things more clearly, retrospectively. People will keep you on the hook when they checked out but arent ready to break up yet, and they try to keep up the act, but theres always signs. You will remember them soon.
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