zengirl Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 So, I'm in an activity group with a bunch of people, and a guy from the group (We'll call him "Group Guy") asked me out recently. I think he's cute, and thought about him asking me out several weeks back, but he never did and he's been MIA for a few weeks and now came back. Thing is, he heard me discussing the guy I went out with last week (and am going out with again --- we'll call him "Few Dates Guy") and how I'm going out with him again AND if that date goes well possibly bringing him to something I was going to with the group already. This was all before he asked me out. A little bit later, he kind of blindsided me by asking me out and confessing he had a little crush on me. Now, I want to go out with Group Guy, but I also want to go out with Few Dates Guy. This would be fine if I knew both were romantic options from the get-go because I would have properly compartmentalized things, but now Group Guy knows about Few Dates Guy and Few Dates Guy might be my date to something Group Guy might be at, with the Group. I imagine I'll just have to arrange it so that doesn't happen (for everyone's best interest) but I find it odd that Group Guy chose to ask me out not long after hearing that. I guess he felt he had to 'throw his hat in the ring now or never'? But, clearly, he doesn't care that I'm going out with other guys or he wouldn't have asked me out, no? I've always been open to multi-dating in the early stages, but this is the first time in years I've had 3 dates in one week (yes, a third really cool guy asked me out too) and the only time I've ever had one guy know about the others. I usually compartmentalize so well it's not been an issue, but I guess I'm feeling kind of awkward about this one. It was just so weird that he chose just now to ask me out (the thing where Few Dates Guy would be at something with the Group is this weekend that's coming up).
january2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Just to be clear. Are you venting/journaling or are you looking for advice about what to do?
Author zengirl Posted April 17, 2011 Author Posted April 17, 2011 Just to be clear. Are you venting/journaling or are you looking for advice about what to do? A little bit of both, I guess. I'm not sure there is much "advice on what to do" (I pretty much know what I'm going to do---steer Few Dates Guy away from Group activities until a decision is perfectly clear in terms of whether any of these guys will become my next BF) but I guess I don't understand how this happened --- one minute I was talking about this other guy, and not long after, Group Guy was asking me out, long after I'd written him off as having no interest. Wouldn't you think he'd wait till I wasn't seeing anyone? Or at least till another time? I guess. . . I wouldn't express interest in a guy right after he mentioned a date with someone else, even if I knew he wasn't exclusive. And I multi-date! Just. . . wouldn't find the timing quite right. So thoughts on his potential thinking process would be totally helpful. I was really thrown.
gaius Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 It might be a turn on for him knowing you are dating other men. Some guys love the cuckold fantasy. Has he mentioned anything about your status with that other guy?
Author zengirl Posted April 17, 2011 Author Posted April 17, 2011 It might be a turn on for him knowing you are dating other men. Some guys love the cuckold fantasy. Has he mentioned anything about your status with that other guy? He didn't mention the other guy directly at all. And it's certainly not cuckold level. It's a few dates, which is the equivalent of what I was saying to the gal in the Group just prior to this guy asking me out (so he knows it's not a relationship). I had made it sound pretty early, which it is. I mean, I assume guys always figure I could possibly be dating other guys (I always assume that about guys I like because if I think someone's potentially great, I certainly don't imagine I'm the only person who's ever had that idea), but it was just weird that he chose this time to ask me out. I'd thought he was going to a few times before, but he hadn't, and I'd just about written him off. And while I'll ask a guy out, I'd always had another guy to see (I rarely ask guys out if I already have one to potentially date).
xpaperxcutx Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 There was an episode of " Friends" where Phoebe, surprisingly started to date two men and she became unsure over which she wanted to dump. She wanted a sensitive guy with a hot body, qualities both of her dates have, and she decided to juggle them both without one knowing the other. I forgot how the episode ended but I think you should look it up just for a good laugh. The episode is call " The One with Ross' Thing".
gaius Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 I get how it can be weird dating a guy who's openly willing to share you with someone else. I don't think the level of commitment matters in the fantasy, I think it's just the idea of having their partner sleeping with other men. You are probably right about him just jumping in before it was too late though.
Nexus One Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 If a guy falls into a crush his testosterone starts carrying him. So when he heard there was competition preying on you his biology carried him to do what he did. When you're in a crush as a guy and beyond a particular age there are some amazingly powerful biological forces driving some of the things you do. And I'm not even talking about sex drive. In that state men can do things they would normally never do, I would even say that in the most intense apex of it men are no longer themselves. I would even dare say that it wasn't actually him coming up to you at that moment. Sounds kind of scary doesn't it?
dispatch3d Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 what a bafoon. Never ask out a girl whose been asked out by someone in the same group. What is he thinking.
Nexus One Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 (edited) what a bafoon. Never ask out a girl whose been asked out by someone in the same group. What is he thinking. Two testosterone driven guys in the same group dating the same girl. What could possibly go wrong? Edited April 17, 2011 by Nexus One
Art_Critic Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Competition.......Things heat up when there are more than one Either that or he now knows you are not a lesbian
Author zengirl Posted April 17, 2011 Author Posted April 17, 2011 There was an episode of " Friends" where Phoebe, surprisingly started to date two men and she became unsure over which she wanted to dump. She wanted a sensitive guy with a hot body, qualities both of her dates have, and she decided to juggle them both without one knowing the other. I forgot how the episode ended but I think you should look it up just for a good laugh. The episode is call " The One with Ross' Thing". I've seen it. I don't have a "list" of qualities. I'm more going for who makes me feel the way I want to feel in a relationship and who I have a great time with. I'm hoping it doesn't come to me juggling 2 or 3 guys for a long time, and I doubt it will. When I've multi-dated in the past, it became clear who was/wasn't for me and why pretty quickly. But I'm at the very early stages with these guys. I get how it can be weird dating a guy who's openly willing to share you with someone else. I don't think the level of commitment matters in the fantasy, I think it's just the idea of having their partner sleeping with other men. You are probably right about him just jumping in before it was too late though. Yeah, ew, I don't think it's anything like that 'sharing' thing. I would never even think of that. And this guy is a nice guy. He's what my mother would call a "Shirt Tucker" (though he doesn't generally tuck in ALL his shirts -- as that's not in fashion now), but basically just means a nice, polite, well-mannered guy. Which is usually the kind I go for. I'm blessed to be absolutely repelled by f-ckwits, weirdos, and jerks, generally. If a guy falls into a crush his testosterone starts carrying him. So when he heard there was competition preying on you his biology carried him to do what he did. When you're in a crush as a guy and beyond a particular age there are some amazingly powerful biological forces driving some of the things you do. And I'm not even talking about sex drive. In that state men can do things they would normally never do, I would even say that in the most intense apex of it men are no longer themselves. I would even dare say that it wasn't actually him coming up to you at that moment. Sounds kind of scary doesn't it? Maybe. This makes the most sense. As a group, this activity ends in late May (at least ends as we know it now), so maybe he was planning on asking me out closer to then, because of the potential awkwardness with rejection or failure. So, maybe this sent a surge of testosterone that made him get up the nerve sooner. I know what you mean about that drive --- I dig neuroscience so I get the issues of brain chemicals and how they influence us. what a bafoon. Never ask out a girl whose been asked out by someone in the same group. What is he thinking. No, only one guy is IN this group. I was just going to bring this guy I've been on a few dates with to something with the group (They've not met him and now probably won't --- at least not soon). I met the other guy elsewhere.
Imajerk17 Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 He wishes he had asked you out earlier, and as he knew it was "now or never", he made a play. Guys tend to wait on asking women out in these situations until either (a) they get a clear green light, or (b) it is their last chance.
Imajerk17 Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 I'm confused though: Two weeks ago you were talking about making things work with your boyfriend. Any downtime from dating in the meanwhile?
Author zengirl Posted April 17, 2011 Author Posted April 17, 2011 I'm confused though: Two weeks ago you were talking about making things work with your boyfriend. Any downtime from dating in the meanwhile? I had my downtime in between the initial breakup with my boyfriend and getting back together with him. We were back together very briefly, not totally, and weren't even having sex. Basically, I came out of that ready to date, having already dealt with my issues on the matter. Giving him the sort-of second chance briefly just made me more sure. I'm not going to "take time" mulling over it again (did it in the 3 weeks we were apart in between trying a second chance and all during the second chance) just to "take time." I know what went wrong and what I want, and I'm ready to move on with a clear heart.
Author zengirl Posted April 17, 2011 Author Posted April 17, 2011 He wishes he had asked you out earlier, and as he knew it was "now or never", he made a play. Guys tend to wait on asking women out in these situations until either (a) they get a clear green light, or (b) it is their last chance. This is probably right. I probably hadn't given him a clear green light (I'm usually good at doing that) because I hadn't felt it was worth risking with a potential awkward situation with the Group and it wasn't like I didn't have other options.
january2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 I second Imajerk's interpretation. I consider you to be one of the more astute and relationship-savvy posters on here, so I assumed you might be venting/journaling rather than looking for advice, but just wanted to make sure.
Author zengirl Posted April 17, 2011 Author Posted April 17, 2011 I second Imajerk's interpretation. I consider you to be one of the more astute and relationship-savvy posters on here, so I assumed you might be venting/journaling rather than looking for advice, but just wanted to make sure. Sometimes writing things out helps me think, so it was partially that. But also wanted some insight as to WHY NOW.
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