zengirl Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 One should not come between two lovers. Granted, if he was genuinely flirting with you, then he is in the wrong too. Respect the relationships of others and respect their significant others. I think this is at the heart of what I believe. I respect boundaries. I ask that people respect mine, and so it's only fair I respect theirs. A committed relationship is a boundary that is declared to the world; I know some people will say, "Well, it's not marriage," and no, it's not, but to me, it's still a strong enough boundary I'd respect it and keep my silence. It would perhaps remind me to speak up when he was single again, but, especially if he were a friend, I would wish him happiness in his current relationship first. I wouldn't want to begin something from this place either, so it wouldn't be good for me. Who wants to steal someone away? Maybe some would find that romantic, or fine, but to me, it sounds like beginning something on the wrong foot entirely. Better to take the lesson --- should've spoke up sooner! --- and move on. And here's where I really have the problem with the OP: I totally respect boundaries when it comes to relationships, I really do & I don't appreciate it when I'm the girlfriend who has to go through it, but the thing is, he really has not shown an indication that he is in love with his new gf. Who are you to decide the value of their relationship? Imagine she was your best friend. Would you do this then? If not, it's wrong. The only reason you're fine with it is because you've written her off as unimportant. That said, confessing feelings CAN be okay, if you come from a place of NOT wanting them to break up----if you just couldn't hold them in any more and wanted to be honest. I'd say that's a different place. You DO want them to break up and don't judge her as important or worthy of the title she has, clearly. That's just kind of ugly. Why? are you that insecure that you believe anyone can just take your SO away from you? You have so little faith in your RS? If he denies her, the only one who should be embarrassed is her. Other than that no harm has been done. To go as far as saying that it's horrible or immoral is just ridiculous. I think for most people it has got nothing to do with security whatsoever.
Trimmer Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 Welcome to dating january, you want a good woman/man you have to take them from a lesser person. I was like you for a long time, but after years of seeing great girls with moron guys I decided to start liberating them from their woeful relationships. If a guy meets my standards for a quality girl, I'll leave it be but if I see a guy being an ass to his awesome girlfriend, why shouldn't I give her an excuse to leave him? What would those poor, helpless, unfortunate girls do, when they are too weak and subservient to decide for themselves whether a relationship is right for them? Thank goodness that God delivered you as His gift to women! And it's not up to her or anyone else but the 2 in a RS to respect it. All is far in love in war. She doesn't owe the gf anything but she is a stranger.... We don't owe strangers anything. For the sake of argument I'm going to grant that she doesn't "owe" anything to the new girlfriend. But even so, I maintain that she didn't show respect to him... Once he made it clear that he had a girlfriend (whether she's "new" or not, and whatever the OP thinks of the quality of the relationship), then if the OP made a move after that point, she is disrespecting him, because she's not respecting his relationship. Forget whether she owes anything to this GF that she doesn't know - she's saying to him, to her own friend, "I devalue your relationship, I don't believe in it, and I think you are the type of boyfriend who will think about me while you are trying to build a relationship with someone." What a thing to say to a friend who is in a relationship that he has chosen, no matter what you think of it. That's disrespectful to him. And to me, that's why it was wrong. People, I really do understand and respect the concept of karma and so forth but I still don't agree that I have committed a wrong here. Really? You said that the alcohol allowed you to speak from the heart and be truthful, so I'm going with your own analysis: I think my exact words were "I know it's wrong for me to tell you this because you have a girlfriend now..." I think you had it right there, when you were all loosened up and being honest. Now that you're sober again, I think you are scrambling to rationalize your behavior.
stace79 Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 All is far in love in war. She doesn't owe the gf anything but she is a stranger. In life, you are not OBLIGATED BY LAW to be considerate of or care for the feelings of strangers. You don't owe a stranger anything; as long as you don't mug them or get in a physical fight with them or anything of the sort which will throw you in jail. I personally would not hit on a guy with a gf because I find that desperate and I have too much pride but I could care less about some random woman or man's feelings that I don't know. There is no law that says you have to be considerate of strangers or care about their emotional feelings. Who cares? We don't owe strangers anything. No, you don't owe anyone anything. So I guess we should all just be inconsiderate pricks and try to steal others' bfs/gfs because it's not illegal. What ever happened to common decency and doing the right thing? This is disgusting.
Jazzari Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 For the sake of argument I'm going to grant that she doesn't "owe" anything to the new girlfriend. But even so, I maintain that she didn't show respect to him... Once he made it clear that he had a girlfriend (whether she's "new" or not, and whatever the OP thinks of the quality of the relationship), then if the OP made a move after that point, she is disrespecting him, because she's not respecting his relationship. Forget whether she owes anything to this GF that she doesn't know - she's saying to him, to her own friend, "I devalue your relationship, I don't believe in it, and I think you are the type of boyfriend who will think about me while you are trying to build a relationship with someone." What a thing to say to a friend who is in a relationship that he has chosen, no matter what you think of it. That's disrespectful to him. And to me, that's why it was wrong.I have to disagree that it's disrespectful to him. HE is also flirting with her. If he set boundaries, then sure, she needs to respect that. But he didn't and is sending out signals that her attention is welcome.
Jazzari Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 No, you don't owe anyone anything. So I guess we should all just be inconsiderate pricks and try to steal others' bfs/gfs because it's not illegal. What ever happened to common decency and doing the right thing? This is disgusting.A bf/gf is not a spouse. It's not a LIFETIME commitment. People go through many relationships before finding the right person. The girl doesn't own him. You can't steal something that doesn't belong to someone else. And I also think this is terribly one sided. This is not all the OP. The man is flirting and his feelings need to be taken into consideration. If he's happy in his relationship, then nothing the OP can do will change that. If he's not happy, then he needs to get out - the sooner the better. Has no one else here been hit by love like a ton of bricks? It's not something you walk away from. You don't reject each other because of an existing relationship. You ditch your current gf/bf so you can BOTH go on to find real love. Staying in a dead end relationship for "decency" is just wrong.
stace79 Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 A bf/gf is not a spouse. It's not a LIFETIME commitment. People go through many relationships before finding the right person. The girl doesn't own him. You can't steal something that doesn't belong to someone else. And I also think this is terribly one sided. This is not all the OP. The man is flirting and his feelings need to be taken into consideration. If he's happy in his relationship, then nothing the OP can do will change that. If he's not happy, then he needs to get out - the sooner the better. Has no one else here been hit by love like a ton of bricks? It's not something you walk away from. You don't reject each other because of an existing relationship. You ditch your current gf/bf so you can BOTH go on to find real love. Staying in a dead end relationship for "decency" is just wrong. You can only control your own actions. Sure, the other guy may be a player D-bag, but she can't control that. She CAN control her OWN moral compass.Not every relationship works out, but if you go into it with the attitude of "I'm not committing 100% to this b/c odds are it won't work out anyway" then you are being unfair to your partner and yourself, and you omay as well just date casually.You need to decide for yourself if the person you are in a relationship with is worth being with, INDEPENDENT of the other hoochies and D-bags around you. Life is full of temptations, and if you always cave in, you're never going to be 100% committed to someone else. And if that's the case, then see #2.
Jazzari Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 You can only control your own actions. Sure, the other guy may be a player D-bag, but she can't control that. She CAN control her OWN moral compass. Leaving one woman to go with someone else does not make a person a Dbag. Not every relationship works out, but if you go into it with the attitude of "I'm not committing 100% to this b/c odds are it won't work out anyway" then you are being unfair to your partner and yourself, and you omay as well just date casually.100% committed is called marriage. You need to decide for yourself if the person you are in a relationship with is worth being with, INDEPENDENT of the other hoochies and D-bags around you. Life is full of temptations, and if you always cave in, you're never going to be 100% committed to someone else. And if that's the case, then see #2.You're kinda hung up on this hoochie/Dbag thing. Just because someone else is better for you, does not make them a bad person. Do you really think you should stay with someone because you are committed - even though you love another? You commit 100% (marriage) to the RIGHT person. If the current relationship is not right, then you leave. And sometimes you leave for another.
zengirl Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 A bf/gf is not a spouse. It's not a LIFETIME commitment. People go through many relationships before finding the right person. The girl doesn't own him. You can't steal something that doesn't belong to someone else. And I also think this is terribly one sided. This is not all the OP. The man is flirting and his feelings need to be taken into consideration. If he's happy in his relationship, then nothing the OP can do will change that. If he's not happy, then he needs to get out - the sooner the better. Has no one else here been hit by love like a ton of bricks? It's not something you walk away from. You don't reject each other because of an existing relationship. You ditch your current gf/bf so you can BOTH go on to find real love. Staying in a dead end relationship for "decency" is just wrong. I don't think anyone was suggesting that folks stay in dead-end relationships for "decency" but if it's truly a dead-end relationship, the guy will be single again at some point and if it's truly that AMAZING kind of love, the OP could wait until that time to declare her affection and intentions, rather than hope to steal him away from his current GF. Having a friend declare feelings for you, even if you're happy in your relationship, is going to disrespect and hurt your relationship AND your friendship. I would understand maybe if it were bubbling up for years and some kind of situation where the OP really was just trying to clear her feelings away, acknowledge them, and make peace with them. This isn't that. This is her disrespecting this man's GF, disrespecting this man, disrespecting his relationship. . . all because she has feelings for him (that may not last either BTW). The fact that she had to drink to 'get brave' to do it doesn't help her case either. This isn't some case of star-crossed lovers. I understand you had a similar situation, so you feel sympathetic. At this point, how your relationship with your late husband started has probably been blurred out by so many more important and relevant things to you, and perhaps history really is written by the winners. But suggesting that having a problem with it is akin to taking the position that people stay in bad relationships out of honor is a bit of a stretch. I don't even believe people should always stay in bad marriages and definitely not in bad relationships, which as you say, aren't marriage. But I do think no one but the two people in the relationship should attempt to change its fate, certainly not for the worse. At any rate, I certainly hope she won't expect anyone to respect her boundaries if she doesn't respect the boundaries of others.
stace79 Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 Leaving one woman to go with someone else does not make a person a Dbag. 100% committed is called marriage. You're kinda hung up on this hoochie/Dbag thing. Just because someone else is better for you, does not make them a bad person. Do you really think you should stay with someone because you are committed - even though you love another? You commit 100% (marriage) to the RIGHT person. If the current relationship is not right, then you leave. And sometimes you leave for another. This is the wrong reason to leave a relationship, and the reason I have such issues with opposite-sex friendships if you're in a relationship. If my bf told me he believes that sometimes you leave a relationship to be with someone else, I would rightfully be uncomfortable with his being friends with other females. IF your relationship is not working out because you're not compatible, then end the relationship. THEN, after a reasonable time to heal (dependent on length of the relationship), you can pursue other people. I don't think it's ever okay to start fanning the flames of a new fire before you put out the old fire and alleviate the smoldering.
Author Lil1 Posted April 20, 2011 Author Posted April 20, 2011 Having a friend declare feelings for you, even if you're happy in your relationship, is going to disrespect and hurt your relationship AND your friendship. I would understand maybe if it were bubbling up for years and some kind of situation where the OP really was just trying to clear her feelings away, acknowledge them, and make peace with them. This isn't that. This is her disrespecting this man's GF, disrespecting this man, disrespecting his relationship. . . all because she has feelings for him (that may not last either BTW). The fact that she had to drink to 'get brave' to do it doesn't help her case either. At any rate, I certainly hope she won't expect anyone to respect her boundaries if she doesn't respect the boundaries of others. I am not his friend. We share mutual friends but it's not even like we have each other's numbers and I am not on FB so there is no contact between us other then when we see each other at our friend's. He used to try to flirt with me even when I was in a relationship (though it was much more tamed, and I never reciprocated out of respect for my bf). When my relationship ended he def became openly flirtatious with me (even though he knows that his brother is interested in me!) so there is no denying that he is attracted to me on some level. I was at a friend's bbq and we had been drinking since pretty much all day. It's not like I planned to drink so I could tell him I liked him. All this talk from you angry chicks really needs to calm the f**k down. I really don't appreciate the insults directed at me and it shows a strong lack of morals on YOUR part. By no means are you obligated to respond to my thread, let alone respond with insults. So please just stop. I know who I am and what I am about and all your little inuendos and insults about me being a bad person with bad intentions are the furthest thing from me. I will acknowledge that it's not the nicest thing to do to his gf, but that doesn't automatically make me the lowlife that you guys are so quick to label me as. As I have stated multiple times now, I spoke from my heart to him and I have no expectations whatsoever. I hope that he does enjoy his new relationship and if in the future we both find each other single again there will be no reservations from either of us!
zengirl Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 I am not his friend. We share mutual friends but it's not even like we have each other's numbers and I am not on FB so there is no contact between us other then when we see each other at our friend's. He used to try to flirt with me even when I was in a relationship (though it was much more tamed, and I never reciprocated out of respect for my bf). When my relationship ended he def became openly flirtatious with me (even though he knows that his brother is interested in me!) so there is no denying that he is attracted to me on some level. I was at a friend's bbq and we had been drinking since pretty much all day. It's not like I planned to drink so I could tell him I liked him. "Flirting" is oddly defined. I don't flirt when in a relationship, but I don't see that as the same as hoping someone breaks up with their SO (some flirting truly is harmless), but if he was actively trying to get with you while you were in a relationship, or he was, then he's scummy, too. I'll give you that. . . not sure what the point was in asserting that. All this talk from you angry chicks really needs to calm the f**k down. Not angry. Pretty calm, in fact. I really don't appreciate the insults directed at me and it shows a strong lack of morals on YOUR part. By no means are you obligated to respond to my thread, let alone respond with insults. So please just stop. I know who I am and what I am about and all your little inuendos and insults about me being a bad person with bad intentions are the furthest thing from me. I think you were a bad person in this instance, yeah. Doesn't mean I think you're a lowlife overall. This will be the last I say on it. Never thought I "had to respond to your thread" but certainly thought I had the right. You posted it. In your OP, you should totally say, "Only respond if you agree with what I did" I guess next time.
Shaly Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 Is it inappropriate to tell someone who is in a relationship (new relationship) that you are interested in them? The thing is, last night at a friend's party I told a guy I know that I really liked him and even though I know he has a girlfriend now (I've never met her, I think they just became an item but she wasn't with him) and also even though his brother wants to take me out on a date (but I am not interested in his brother whatsoever) that I wanted him to think about me and to let him know how I feel about him.... now I'm thinking, Yikes! I was a little drunk (not sloshy but def lubricated! lol) but I don't regret having done that. His response was "Oh dear" lol! he blushed and said thank you and when I asked him to think about it he said he would. I don't know what to expect, and I don't plan on pursuing it any further (partly cause its not like I'm head over heels for him, I just wanna get to know him). But since I have a clearer head now Im wondering if it's a thoughtless or rude thing to do to someone who is in a fresh relationship. What do you guys think? Hi IMO youve done the right thing ... it is about communicating and not playing guessing games .. remember, he started it and you had to find out what he really thinks ..either of 2 options: first, hes fed up with his gf and wants to know if he has a chance with you (which is not the appropriate thing to do in my opinion) .. second, hes just being a flirt .. so, his reaction to your action will let you know for sure and you may move on (forget and stop wasting your time on him).. the reaction may be: if he likes you more than his gf, he will drop her for you. if he doesnt like you that way, he'll stop all the flirting. there you go, you'll get the answers .. instead of dwelling on him and being morally decent (whatever!) cheers
NoMagicBullet Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 Is it inappropriate to tell someone who is in a relationship (new relationship) that you are interested in them? What do you guys think? Exactly! The truth is we have always been very flirtatious with each other and we seem to be on the same level. ... but I feel like if he was in love with this chick who he just made his gf then he would have acted a little differently, ... but I just wanted to plant the seed like you said;) ... but the thing is, he really has not shown an indication that he is in love with his new gf. ... but the fact is he was flirting with me like he always has and when the topic of his gf came up it's not exactly like he gushed about her, in fact he seemed embarrased and didn't really talk about her. ... I really would be very interested in pursuing a relationship with him and there is no denying the spark between us. ... If he did a have a crush on me before, and he does see me as the girl of his dreams , then that's more of a good reason that I did tell him how I feel. I think my exact words were "I know it's wrong for me to tell you this because you have a girlfriend now, and also because your brother keeps texting me to take me out, but I really like you very much. You don't have to say or do anything, I just want you to know how I feel about you and I want you to think of me in the future (I may have said your future)". However the fact that it is a very early relationship, that there is a strong attraction between us, and I didn't find out that he has a gf now until that night, lessens the severity of the situation. ... but I wanted to let him know that my feelings for him are deeper then just the fun flirting that goes on between us and I think that he may feel the same way so I decided to bring it out in the open and keep things real with him. ... I think we both know we would want more than friendship but the timing/ circumstances are bad. ... I'm glad I was honest with him and told him that I like him and I hope I'm the last thing he thinks of before he goes to sleep! (lol! that last part isnt really true, I'm just starting to get defensive and annoyed at being looked down on because I'm really not that kind of girl.) It sure looks like you are. Just look all the justifications about how he supposedly doesn't love this girl you haven't met (and you know NOTHING about their relationship) and your continued rambling about how "right" you two supposedly are for each other. I see a lot of "but" and "I want(ed)" in your posts. If you think you did the right thing, why did you post here in the first place asking if it was wrong? You even started off telling him "I know this is wrong...." The truth is, you want what you want. You don't really care about this guy's relationship with his GF, because it gets in the way of you having him. At least The Dude owns up to his own self interest. Your insistence that you have some sort of morals or ethics is annoying; even if you do, you tossed them out the window this time. What are you going to do next time? I think you had it right there, when you were all loosened up and being honest. Now that you're sober again, I think you are scrambling to rationalize your behavior. I totally agree with this. Rationalization after rationalization. I think you were a bad person in this instance, yeah. Doesn't mean I think you're a lowlife overall. This will be the last I say on it. Never thought I "had to respond to your thread" but certainly thought I had the right. You posted it. In your OP, you should totally say, "Only respond if you agree with what I did" I guess next time. Exactly. Don't ask the question unless you want an honest answer. See your first post in this thread, Lil1 -- you asked. You got the answer. It's just not the one you wanted to hear. The man is flirting and his feelings need to be taken into consideration. If he's happy in his relationship, then nothing the OP can do will change that. If he's not happy, then he needs to get out - the sooner the better. We've been told it's a new relationship. Also that they have a history of flirting, him even flirting more openly after her breakup. Which raises a better question: For all that flirting, why isn't he dating you, Lil1? Stands to reason that if he really was interested, then he would have said something once you were available. I think if he really were interested, he would have pounced on you once you were single. He didn't. I think you're seeing what you want to see and not at all looking at the situation clearly.
NoMagicBullet Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 if he likes you more than his gf, he will drop her for you. if he doesnt like you that way, he'll stop all the flirting. Not necessarily. Some people flirt just for the fun of it, because they enjoy the attention, etc -- not because they want to date/have sex/get married to the person they flirt with. And some people have some interesting ideas of what is appropriate behavior between people who are just friends. Which is why I think Lil1 needs to step back and take a different look at things.
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