Need

[Confusedwheretogo]

Hey guys, I need an outside opinion on this. I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years and I don’t know if I made the right decision. (I’ll just call him X in the story). I am really sorry this is a reeaaaally long story, but I feel like all of it is important. Please don’t judge me, I know I have made mistakes, and I would never repeat these mistakes again.

 

 

I met X though a mutual friend, and at the time we were both in a relationship. Long story short, we ended up sleeping together (this was meant to be a no strings attached thing, we both agreed to it). I was in a bad relationship at that time and ended up falling for X really quickly and I wanted to get out of my bad relationship. I ended up breaking off the relationship, and continued sleeping with X. He was still in a relationship at that time, with a girl he said he didn’t love, but they were living together and it was hard for him to leave. Basically, this affair thing went on for a while (a month or 2) and X never broke up with his girlfriend.

I got fed up w/ this whole thing, it was emotionally draining for me, and I broke it off with X. I then ended up dating other people for a while, but nothing serious. About 8 months later, I started talking to X again, we ended up sleeping together again (he was still in a relationship with the same gf). I felt like I was always falling in love with him quickly and I just couldn’t help myself to stay away. The sex was great. This was always meant to be a no strings attached relationship, so I hid my feelings from X. This went on for about 2-3 months. It was hard, and I got attached to him quickly, and I felt like he was getting attached to me as well. However, he was still with his gf, which hurt me a lot. I stuck around though, through the pain, because I felt so strongly about him, and had hope that one day he would leave her (esp. because he told me he wasn't in love w/ her, and stayed with her mostly because of the living situation and $$ situation).

During these 2-3 months while he was sleeping with me and in a relationship with his gf, I started to notice he would also talk about another girl that he met at a party ("B"). One day, I found out that he went out with this girl (B) behind my back. I asked him about it, and he lied to me. I knew this happened for sure, and he had no choice but to admit it. He said that it was totally platonic and they were just friends. I was pissed, I knew he had to like her, and there is no other reason he would lie about it. I ended up forgiving him, still.

A few weeks later, he invited me to a party with him. We went to the party, and it turned out that he also invited that other girl (B). Basically, I met the girl, acted like everything was cool. X ended up hanging out with her (B) the whole evening, as I watched, they were laughing and he was making jokes with her, which reminded me of how X and me used to be. I was so hurt and upset, I left the party and ignored him for a while. He kept calling and trying to talk to me, but I was just so hurt I couldn’t do it. He ended up showing up at my doorstep. He acted so clueless, it was disgusting. He said that he just hung out with her at the party because he invited her and felt bad. I was really hurt, but ended up forgiving him, which I still regret this decision sometimes. I don’t know if X and B ever slept together, he says that they didn’t, but I know in the back of my mind, that even if they didn’t, it wasn’t because he didn’t want to. This kills me, even now talking about it. Anyway, I ended up forgiving him, and he stopped talking to B.

He was still with his gf at this time. We kept sleeping together. We kept getting closer. I had really strong feelings for him, and one night he told me that he loved me; he promised that he would break things off with his gf, as soon as he found his own place. Basically, after a few weeks, he did finally break up with his gf, he found his own place. I was so happy. I felt like finally I can just turn the page over and forget about how our relationship started, and all the bad things that happened in the past.

Things were going great between me and X, and it seemed like it was worth all the pain I went through. It seemed like we were both completely different people at this point, because we were serious about each other. We were in love, the relationship was going great. After a while, we began kind of getting comfortable and started getting irritated by each other easily, as often happens in relationships. We would have stupid fights over nothing, it really affected me, I was unhappy a lot. We are both very opinionated and stubborn people, and always had to be right about everything, which added fuel to the fire. However, when we weren’t fighting things were really good, so I stayed with him. I still thought about the past sometimes though, and it still hurt me to think about his ex gf and B and how everything happened. I sometimes regret the fact that I forgave him for talking to B behind my back; I feel like I showed my weakness by staying with him at times, I was controlled by my emotions. Sometimes I felt like I was glad that I stayed with him through everything because I thought it was worth it.

Anyway, during our relationship X was pretty controlling as well. He didn’t want me to talk to male friends, which I was ok with, because I didn’t have close male friends. He said he would do the same with his female friends, which he didn’t have any that were close either. We both felt like male/female friendship was a gray area. During the relationship, he was very suspicious of me cheating on him, when I never gave him a reason for it. He would jokingly ask me if I was sleeping with someone behind his back, and sometimes it sounded like he was serious. I got very irritated by this, and we talked about it. He agreed that he shouldn’t do this to me. It got better. He was still very suspicious of any male contact that I had though, even in college if I had a group project and a male classmate would call me about schoolwork, he would get very weird about it, and ask me a million questions. He always was very scared that he would loose me, and he was sometimes quite clingy.

 

I knew he had abandonment issues from when he was a child, he had a lot of family problems etc, and I dealt with this trait of his as best as I could. Fast forward to about a year ago - so one day X’s male friend came over to his house, and it just so happened that the friend was with his sister, and she came over to X’s house as well. I didn’t care about it at all, in fact I never really cared if he had female friends or not, I wanted to trust him. So a couple of days later I was with a friend and she had a facebook account (I didn’t at the time), and just to be silly, we looked at X’s facebook page. He added his friend’s sister on facebook, and it also said that he commented on her picture. It was a Halloween picture, she was wearing a slutty costume, like every female on Halloween, and he had made a suggestive comment. I was so shocked. I mean, sure it’s just a comment, but in that context it was obvious that it was sexual. I know that may be I was overreacting a bit, but it pissed me off (actually my blood was boiling), especially knowing of the past experiences that I had with this guy (him talking to B behind my back and the trust issues he had with me, accusing me of things for no reason). I confronted him about it, and of course he said that he just happened to click on the picture and was being silly. He agreed that it was out of line, and he would be mad if I did something like that. Whatever. I was pissed, but ended up forgiving him.

So the relationship went on, sometimes it was great, sometimes not so much. We fought with increasing frequency over time, and it was over nothing. Just getting on each other’s nerves. I ended up breaking up with him one time when the argument got pretty heated (again, I don’t even know what we were fighting about, it was that stupid). I then realized that I didn’t mean it, it was just in the heat of the argument and I apologized, told him I was sorry and wanted to work on things. He was angry with me, and said he would have never broken up with me; he was hurt and couldn’t believe I would do that. He did end up forgiving me; we talked about things and agreed that we need to work on our communication. This happened recently, and as we tried to work on things, I still felt pretty irritated by him, and I felt like I wasn’t really that into the relationship b/c of the fighting. I sometimes thought that it would only get worse with time and got discouraged about working on things.

 

I didn’t put my best effort into working on our communication for this reason. I ended up breaking up with him because I felt overwhelmed by the problems we were having, and the past still bothered me at times, while the future scared me (the thought of our relationship getting worse with time, like if we got married, etc). I talked to him about all these things that were bothering me (past always bothered me, how I thought our trust for each other isn’t where it should be, our fights, etc). He said that he would never do anything to hurt me, because his love for me is very strong, he would never cheat on me like he did on his past gf, who he didn’t love. I still ended up breaking up with him, and he was very heartbroken. He said that he loved me very much and would have done anything for me. I feel like I was controlled and manipulated during our relationship sometimes, and I dealt with it because I knew that it was a problem that was deep seeded from his childhood. I broke up with him, and I feel so sad. I feel like he was my best friend and a part of me is gone. I feel like may be I did the wrong thing. I didn’t try hard enough to work on our communication. I love him very much, and I feel like I’m throwing the love away, and may be I shouldn’t. I mean, he would have done anything to stay with me, and I feel like may be I should have been willing to do the same. I love him so much, and I feel like I went through so much to be with him, and I sacrificed a lot. It’s so hard to just let go of it all. I feel like he is a good guy, he supported me through everything, and has done a lot for me, very understanding. I feel like I can trust him, even though the past still bothers me b/c I allowed him to mistreat me before. I feel like he would have been a great husband and father, he was so supportive of me and I could count on him to be there for me no matter what. I know people make mistakes and I have made plenty in the relationship, just as he knows he has. We both grew a lot in the relationship as people, and I know we aren’t the same people that we were when we first met. I just feel so confused. I’ve cried so much since I broke up with him (a few days ago), and I feel like may be I will regret this decision, because I didn’t put all I had into working on the relationship. I don't know what to do... I feel like if I get back with him, and things don't work out, it will hurt even more than it does now, and it will be even harder to leave. But if I throw this whole thing away, I feel like I will always think about what could have been. I just love him so much, and I do think that he would have done anything to be with me. Am i throwing something away that could have been great in the long run?

[Confusedwheretogo]

I know this is really long, but I really could use some advice Thanks for reading...

[january2011]

Am i throwing something away that could have been great in the long run?

 

No, you're not. He's a cake-eater who wants to keep all the cakes to himself and you enabled his behaviour by forgiving him his indiscretions and allowing him to contol your behaviour.

 

You made the right decision. He may have loved you (in his own way) but he was not loving and a great husband and father needs to be loving, in my opinion. Find someone who doesn't use their childhood issues as an excuse to treat others badly. Someone who is free to love you and to commit to you and you alone. You deserve to have that rather than accept what few breadcrumbs your ex throws your way.

[Confusedwheretogo]

Thanks for the reply, I do feel like I made the right decision when looking back at the bad parts of our relationship. I feel like when things were good, it was great; but when things were bad, they were horrible. I convinced myself that the good parts were worth staying for, I also convinced myself that he understood his mistakes. I also did feel loved when we were together, most of the time, this is why this decision was so hard for me. I feel bad that I put myself through so much and forgave him, when I should have made the right decision in the very beginning. The good parts of our relationship gave me hope I guess.

[Confusedwheretogo]

Any other opinions? I am still hurt by this whole situation.

[Downtown]

CWTG, I agree with January that you made the right decision. You are describing a young man who is controlling, very fearful of abandonment ("from when he was a child"), suspicious and distrustful, has little impulse control, and who repeatedly starts fights over insignificant issues. These behavioral traits constitute several traits in a well-known pattern of traits called BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

 

Significantly, all of us occasionally exhibit all nine of those traits, albeit at a low level if we are healthy. So every adult has them. They don't become a problem unless they are strong enough to impair our ability to sustain LTRs with loved ones. Even then, the individual cannot be said to "have BPD" unless the traits are so strong as to satisfy the diagnostic criteria. Only a professional can make that determination.

 

This does not mean, however, that you cannot spot the red flags, i.e., a strong occurrence of such traits. You are able to spot strong selfishness and grandiosity, for example, without being able to diagnose Narcissistic PD. You are able to spot a drama queen without being able to diagnose Histrionic PD. And you are able to spot extremely shy people without diagnosing Avoidant PD. Indeed, you could spot a strong occurrence of all those traits before you left high school. Similarly, you are able to spot strong BPD traits if you take a little time to read about them so you know what to look for.

 

I mention this because a recent study of nearly 35,000 American adults found that 70% of those diagnosed as having BPD reported having been abandoned or abused in early childhood -- as your exBF apparently was. Such childhood trauma does NOT imply a person has strong BPD traits because most abused or abandoned children do not develop BPD. Yet, it does greatly raise the risk of having strong BPD traits, particularly when several of those traits seem to be present as you describe above.

 

Still, if your exBF has strong BPD traits, you likely would be seeing a few of the other traits you do not describe specifically. One is the fear of engulfment, which causes the BPDer to feel suffocated -- like he is losing himself in your strong personality -- during intimate moments (not just sex but, rather, during real intimacy). Because a BPDer has a weak and unstable self image, he finds it very uncomfortable to tolerate intimacy for very long. To get breathing room (and feel like a whole, separate person again), he will push you away by creating an argument "over nothing." Not surprisingly, the very worst arguments will thus occur immediately after a wonderfully intimate evening or a great weekend spent together.

 

Yet, as you back off to give him breathing room, you will eventually (within a few weeks if not days) trigger his other great fear: abandonment. He therefore will start reeling you back in, promising to do whatever it takes to get you back. Of course, once you return, this push-away and pull-back cycle will repeat itself -- endlessly. Hence, one hallmark of BPDer relationships is the frequent occurrence of arguments over nothing alternating with great make-up sex and promises to do better.

 

Moreover, because these traits are believed to be hereditary to a large extent, you also may have seen evidence of strongly dysfunctional behavior on his dad's or mother's side of the family. Since that often is true of most families, a more telling sign is abusive behavior by one parent.

 

Another red flag -- which you do not mention at all -- is verbal abuse. Most BPDers are easily triggered -- by a comment or innocuous action -- into throwing temper tantrums that typically last about five hours. Moreover, they do black-white thinking, wherein they categorize everyone (including themselves) as "all good" or "all bad."

 

If this sounds familiar, I suggest you read my overview of what it is like to live with a BPDer (i.e., a person having strong BPD traits). I provide it in several of my posts in Inigo's thread at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2826453#post2826453. Because I am not a psychologist, my description is only a sharing of my experiences of living with my BPDer exW. I spent a small fortune taking her to weekly sessions with 6 different psychologists for 15 years -- all to no avail. If my experiences ring a bell for you, I would be glad to try to answer any questions you have about such traits and to suggest good online articles written by professionals.

 

If you decide that your exBF likely does have strong BPD traits, you may derive some comfort in knowing that marriage counseling would have been of no use. Such traits are entrenched in the person's way of thinking since early childhood and thus typically are invisible to him. For this reason -- and because they cannot tolerate the notion of finding one more thing to hate about themselves -- it is rare for a BPDer to be sufficiently self aware to seek individual therapy and stay with it long enough to make a difference. Until a BPDer has several years of therapy to address those deep seated issues, teaching him communication skills (as occurs in MC) only makes him better at manipulating you. Take care, CWTG.