When they disappear

[autumnbethesda]

Has anyone been in a situation when the MM or Guy just disappeared? Today, I'm really struggling. It has been a 6 month "relationship." a week ago, Saturday, we spoke. Had a great conversation. Made plans to specifically talk Monday. He never called. HE has not contacted me at all, despite being on conference calls and linkedin. I'm very very confused and today, I just feel incredibly rejected and totally humiliated for being so honest with my feelings, having him obviously reciprocate by LYING. How has this turned out for you all? Did you ever find that illusive closure for oneself? my closure isnt going so well as there was never a discussion of the End...its obviously over and done, but man this hurts.

[YellowShark]

Sadly autumnbethesda you are finding out the hard way that you are not a priority in his life but an option. No one is too busy to drop an text, call, or email if they *really* wanted to. People can move mountains when they are truly "in love."

 

I bet you a dinner he will come up with some lame personal or work excuse why he hasn't called or contacted you. The reality is his actions, not his words or promises autumnbethesda.

 

Best of luck. Drop this loser and find yourself a non-married man who makes you a priority, not an option.

[Silly_Girl]

I was in your shoes. And it totally sucked. It happened twice. He shut down instead of dealing with everything and despite wanting to be with me (since proved) he went for the easy option.... Let his phone battery go flat, and froze.

 

Second time I was better than the first. Just spoil yourself ROTTEN!!! Make every day a Me-day. Honestly!

[autumnbethesda]

Yes, I can see that I'm not a priority and never will be and that he probably old me what I wanted to hear, and did it soooo well, just to avoid a fight or "hurting" me by ending it. Whatever the "why" is, to disappear on someone after that long is just sooo cruel and hurtful. When this happened to you, did he come back? What did you say? I'm praying that he will "come back" so that I can properly end it. This lack of ending is what's killing me right now. My other problem is that i feel I look totally ridiculous to him - here he is getting an ego stroke. That just infuriates me!

 

How did this play out for you - did you ever find out Why from him directly?

[Rooke]

My xMM did this to me FIVE times and he always got back in touch. And do you know why? Because he knows that when he eventually does deign to get in touch, you'll be right there waiting for him. It's not over, not as far as he's concerned anyway because he knows that he can pick you up and drop you when it suits him and you'll always be right where he wants you.

I know in this early stage there's very little anyone can say to make you change your mind, but take this as a warning, get out now and stick to NC or he'll do this again and again and you'll feel this bad on a consistent basis. Don't do that to yourself, and I promise he'll be amazed when you say you want nothing else to do with him!

[Flabbergaster]

I'm hearing you say that it's obvious to both of you that it's over, but that there was no discussion of the end. That would put you in that weird end-game LC limbo.

 

I was in a similar situation. I was avail when xOW had time to call me, as agreed upon. Both our schedules super busy, it was 'over' but we were still in LC and hearts still hopeful.

She didn't call. I called her...got no answer. For number of reasons, it was a few days until we could try to talk again.

Turned out she had simply "been busy" out of nowhere and forgot. Then she just didnt' get around to calling, YET.

It wasn't that she didn't care or did it on purpose.

 

I'm telling this story because I think that's what happened to you; it's easier to explain with an example.

 

Now..that being said...get yourself out of this situation. If it's obvious that you are at/past the end...make it the end. Send him an email that you're disappointed that the two of you didnt' talk as agreed, that it's time to say goodbye because it's clearly over and you have realized light contact is painful to you.

[autumnbethesda]

Flabbergaster - Thanks. That actually could be what happened - work and travel are crazy, but still, I would never do that to someone and therefore its clear there's an emotional imbalance between us. He could totally be a commitment phobe and baled once Plans were being made -- that's why its easiest for me to assume Over. Does me contacting him or writing, to even say is over, make me look ridiculous? I mean if he's done with this or is freaking, doesnt me writing make things worse? is it better to just remain silent like I am?

[Silly_Girl]

Yes, I can see that I'm not a priority and never will be and that he probably old me what I wanted to hear, and did it soooo well, just to avoid a fight or "hurting" me by ending it. Whatever the "why" is, to disappear on someone after that long is just sooo cruel and hurtful. When this happened to you, did he come back? What did you say? I'm praying that he will "come back" so that I can properly end it. This lack of ending is what's killing me right now. My other problem is that i feel I look totally ridiculous to him - here he is getting an ego stroke. That just infuriates me!

 

How did this play out for you - did you ever find out Why from him directly?

 

His 'why'.... he was away at an event with his wife, had promised to tell her... couldn't find the words/courage/balls/whatever and knew he'd get earache from me. Is the simplified version.

 

He had no explanation for not doing it other than fear.

 

When he went quiet he said it was because "if I'm not prepared to do anything so that we can be together, I can't keep in touch. You being in my life makes me happy and lets me ignore all the things I should be dealing with". He became so low, sick from work at times, didn't play his sport, didn't go anywhere. But using me for a boost was wrong, in his eyes. In my eyes, to have come to that conclusion and not shared it with me was utterly wrong.

 

We're now together properly and all is great. Really great. His wife knows and so do all his friends and family. But it took him three separate instances of 'I promise, I am going to tell her...' before he ACTUALLY told her. I found it easy to forgive him, because I had spent time thinking about the wider picture, and it went in his favour.

 

They're my circumstances. Might not be the same for you....

[Breezy Trousers]

As the saying goes, "How they treat the last one is how they'll treat you."

 

They disconnect from BS and eventually they disconnect from OW, too.

 

I don't know if this applies to your MM, but it can't hurt to research narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Those with NPD typically idealize someone in the beginning of the relationship. Then, when they get too close, those with NPD flip to the other side: devaluation and discard. They often just disappear. NPD's are very prone to having affairs, because it's a superb way of getting attention (narcissistic supply) while avoiding intimacy (which NPD's pretend at, but actually are terrified of because they have an attachment disorder). Those with NPD are addicted to attention, not intimacy. Having two people vying for them -- manufacturing volcanic emotional dramas and instilling insecurity -- are all ideal ways of being the center of attention. The word for that: narcissistic abuse. Suddenly drop out, only to reappear later. It's the age-old secret of tyrants: create fear, confusion and insecurity, then suddenly pop up and be the darling hero. It's all about control and attention. (Read Ann Rule's book, "Never Let Her Go." Campano did this with his OW.)

 

Or, for non-NPD MM, it could just be old-fashioned fear. Affairs go through predictable stages:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t258673/

 

 

Regardless of the storyline, it all comes down to a stunning disregard for your feelings.

 

I respect your process here, but my wish for you is that this relationship is done. It may be painful, but it ending today would be far more compassionate than going through this drama for another two to three years only to end up at the same conclusion. You deserve better than this.

[DCMNW]

I mean if he's done with this or is freaking, doesnt me writing make things worse? is it better to just remain silent like I am?

This is a tough one and depends on you personally. The best thing to do would probably be to let it go and ignore him but of course that is difficult to do. If you are like me, I need closure and would want to know what happened. You just have to be prepared that what you find out may not be what you want to hear. His wife could have found out about the EA, they could be working things out now, or he could feed you bs and say he's been busy or whatever. If he does give you that bs line call his bluff and let him know you wont put with him lying and acting like that and end it.

 

My xMM ended things because he needed to figure out his life but then kept calling/texting and said he wanted to keep in touch and missed talking to me. When I finally agreed to this (big mistake) he suddenly disappeared. I waited several days but couldnt take the anxiety anymore of not knowing what happened. I asked him about it and he said he had been busy and was "working on thing at home". We all know what that means. I gave him a piece of my mind and he kept apologizing but said he needs clear head to figure out his life and make a decision, either to stay or leave. He said reality had set in after talking to an attorney and realized all he had to lose, and that he wasnt ready to walk away from a 20 year marriage. I understood but was hurt he wouldnt just explain that to me instead of disappearing.

 

In the end you need to figure out whether you can deal with not knowing and move on, or find out why he stopped contact but be prepared for whatever explanation he has for it, because it could be heartbreaking.

[whichwayisup]

Make your own closure. Cut him out of your heart and head, as much as you can. Grieve, but don't mope and think of him 24/7.. Get out and live! Get busy and focus on healing, and working on you.

 

Whatever his reasons were for ending it, he's got no balls to end it properly, so let him own that and you rise above it and forget him. Even if he calls, he's going to feel guilty, right? SO, why give him the satisfcation of apologizing, possibly roping you back in! Get PISSED OFF and find your own ego and pride -- Don't let him in..AT all.

 

Silence says so much more than words, remember that.

[Rooke]

As the saying goes, "How they treat the last one is how they'll treat you."

 

They disconnect from BS and eventually they disconnect from OW, too.

 

I don't know if this applies to your MM, but it can't hurt to research narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Those with NPD typically idealize someone in the beginning of the relationship. Then, when they get too close, those with NPD flip to the other side: devaluation and discard. They often just disappear. NPD's are very prone to having affairs, because it's a superb way of getting attention (narcissistic supply) while avoiding intimacy (which NPD's pretend at, but actually are terrified of because they have an attachment disorder). Those with NPD are addicted to attention, not intimacy. Having two people vying for them -- manufacturing volcanic emotional dramas and instilling insecurity -- are all ideal ways of being the center of attention. The word for that: narcissistic abuse. Suddenly drop out, only to reappear later. It's the age-old secret of tyrants: create fear, confusion and insecurity, then suddenly pop up and be the darling hero. It's all about control and attention. (Read Ann Rule's book, "Never Let Her Go." Campano did this with his OW.)

 

Or, for non-NPD MM, it could just be old-fashioned fear. Affairs go through predictable stages:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t258673/

 

 

Regardless of the storyline, it all comes down to a stunning disregard for your feelings.

 

I respect your process here, but my wish for you is that this relationship is done. It may be painful, but it ending today would be far more compassionate than going through this drama for another two to three years only to end up at the same conclusion. You deserve better than this.

 

 

I could not agree with this MORE. I think my xMM had NPD, it goes unnoticed in quite alot of cases, but I think it would be a fair statement to say that quite alot of MM who conduct serial affairs tick quite alot of boxes on the NPD list. The problem with NPD sufferers is that they can't bare criticism and therefore would never believe they even have a problem.

[Ravens girl]

I experienced a similar situation with my MM. We would talk everyday and see each other often, then one day, he'd be gone. He wouldn't answer his phone or respond to texts. And it was horrible! He had become such an important part of my life that I was devastated when he was gone.

 

Unfortunately for me, I didn't let it go. I wanted an explanation and convinced myself that I needed one to get closure. He called sporadically, giving me bits and pieces of an explanation, and while he answered some questions, what he said always created more. I finally realized that whatever he said was never enough, because I still wanted him. And I couldn't have him.

 

I failed to see that his actions told me everything that I needed to know. The affair was over. He didn't want me in his life.

[ladydesigner]

Make your own closure. Cut him out of your heart and head, as much as you can. Grieve, but don't mope and think of him 24/7.. Get out and live! Get busy and focus on healing, and working on you.

 

Whatever his reasons were for ending it, he's got no balls to end it properly, so let him own that and you rise above it and forget him. Even if he calls, he's going to feel guilty, right? SO, why give him the satisfcation of apologizing, possibly roping you back in! Get PISSED OFF and find your own ego and pride -- Don't let him in..AT all.

 

Silence says so much more than words, remember that.

 

THIS^

 

and...

 

I experienced a similar situation with my MM. We would talk everyday and see each other often, then one day, he'd be gone. He wouldn't answer his phone or respond to texts. And it was horrible! He had become such an important part of my life that I was devastated when he was gone.

 

Unfortunately for me, I didn't let it go. I wanted an explanation and convinced myself that I needed one to get closure. He called sporadically, giving me bits and pieces of an explanation, and while he answered some questions, what he said always created more. I finally realized that whatever he said was never enough, because I still wanted him. And I couldn't have him.

 

I failed to see that his actions told me everything that I needed to know. The affair was over. He didn't want me in his life.

THIS^

 

Gawd these posts are so true. Closure is only going to come from yourself and when you are ready to let go of this relationship. Then you will find peace and closure.

 

I had to go through hell to get here, but I am and I no longer mourn my relationship with my XAP.

 

Good luck to you (((autumnbethesda)))

[janden]

I'm a serial ender. Been ending since I started this R 2-1/2 years ago. 6 mos. in he disappeared on me. No dday, no fight, no nothing. Just silence for no reason. Tried to contact him several times. Got ignored. Finally gave up. 6 weeks later he called with a lame excuse I bought.

 

Ending #2: I went silent on him. Regretted it. Got ignored when I tried to make amends. Physically tracked him down to stupidly get back on this rollercoaster.

 

Ending #3: Something happened that was a dealbreaker. Ending was fairly civil and somewhat "mutual". Still really hurt. He called less than 3 weeks later. I was very vulnerable and still hurting and fell in all over again. But it didn't last long as nothing had changed so 1 month later I ended up at...

 

Ending #4: Nasty ending. Very cruel on his part, unnecessarily. It will be a cold day in hell before I lower myself to ever contact him since I KNOW he would ignore me anyway, and that HURTS like hell.

 

My advice to you is get out while you can - my MM was a conflict-extraordinaire. Disappearing was his way of punishing me. It's one thing to give someone a 2nd chance if they truly screwed up & are sorry. It's quite another for someone to keep treating others with blatant disrespect. I finally, FINALLY realize I will not allow anyone to treat me like a piece of dirt.

 

Will he call again? Don't know - ending wasn't very pretty. But I am MUCH better prepared now after all my "trial run" endings.

 

I understand all about the closure thing. That's why I kept trying to get contact when he would disappear - and there were other disappearances with NC and being ignored. These 4 were just our MAJOR endings. But your REAL closure will only come from you - not from him. More than likely he would only tell you something to make himself not look like the bad guy anyway.

Edited April 18, 2011 by janden

[wheelwright]

My advice to you is get out while you can - my MM was a conflict-extraordinaire. Disappearing was his way of punishing me. It's one thing to give someone a 2nd chance if they truly screwed up & are sorry. It's quite another for someone to keep treating others with blatant disrespect. I finally, FINALLY realize I will not allow anyone to treat me like a piece of dirt.

 

Will he call again? Don't know - ending wasn't very pretty. But I am MUCH better prepared now after all my "trial run" endings.

 

I understand all about the closure thing. That's why I kept trying to get contact when he would disappear - and there were other disappearances with NC and being ignored. These 4 were just our MAJOR endings. But your REAL closure will only come from you - not from him. More than likely he would only tell you something to make himself not look like the bad guy anyway.

 

Re bolded. The xMOM in my life did this kind of disappearing act, with high NC and then a text after 10 months saying he still thought about me every minute of every day.

 

I am left in a position, after resumed NC on his part, not knowing if this is true or if in seeing him I would hear a list of excuses. Now I am wise to the potential NPD in his character, I would still love to see him. I would love some time with him to get wise about the truth of his character.

 

But I have to accept his actions are enough to go on.

 

In the 'closure' I currently occupy, he is somewhere on the scale of NPD, but not so much that he didn't actually love me. NPD's wouldn't trust any emotions they actually allowed if they began to have a soul.

 

Hey ho.

[fooled once]

Sadly autumnbethesda you are finding out the hard way that you are not a priority in his life but an option. No one is too busy to drop an text, call, or email if they *really* wanted to. People can move mountains when they are truly "in love."

 

I bet you a dinner he will come up with some lame personal or work excuse why he hasn't called or contacted you. The reality is his actions, not his words or promises autumnbethesda.

 

Best of luck. Drop this loser and find yourself a non-married man who makes you a priority, not an option.

 

I am seconding what Yellow wrote.

 

Flabbergaster - Thanks. That actually could be what happened - work and travel are crazy, but still, I would never do that to someone and therefore its clear there's an emotional imbalance between us. He could totally be a commitment phobe and baled once Plans were being made -- that's why its easiest for me to assume Over. Does me contacting him or writing, to even say is over, make me look ridiculous? I mean if he's done with this or is freaking, doesnt me writing make things worse? is it better to just remain silent like I am?

 

Total honesty here - sounds like you are making an excuse for him - travel and work Please - if he WANTED to be in contact, it takes 2-5 seconds to send a text. Seriously.

 

Closure comes from WITHIN YOU; not from him. I do not understand the thinking of "I will contact him to tell him to not contact me anymore; its over"....when most likely, as soon as he does contact you, you will turn to mush and do anything to be with him again.

 

Decide how YOU want to be treated. Decide if it is okay for someone to disrespect you. If the answer is NO, then stop waiting and wanting him to contact you. Decide IF he does, no matter what, you will NOT resume a 6 month affair (which really isn't that long, IMHO).

 

WHY do you allow him to consume you? I want to tell you that it is not a 'pretty picture' for a woman to be so consumed by a MARRIED man and to be feeling like you are. You should NEVER throw away your dignity or self respect over a guy. NEVER.

 

If you truly have no desire to continue to be in an affair - BE DONE. If you aren't ready to be done; then just text him and ask him why he hasn't contacted you.

[carelesswhisper]

Wow, some of you guys' stories sounds so much like mine. Btw, I'm new here, so hi!

 

I just started an affair almost a month ago. Like everyone else here, things were going totally fine. I just made a thread about this morning, so feel free to read and offer your 2 cents. But anyways, I haven't heard from him in a little over a week. The hard part is that we only talked through instant messaging, so that's really the only way I have to get in touch with him. Sure, I can find his other contact info...we live in the same city and anything is easy to find online. But I'm not going to be that person to start sending him messages every which way I can and be labeled as creepy!

 

What really puts me in limbo are the circumstances surrounding everything. When we first started talking, he was in training out of state for a week getting ready for deployment. Even though I was a little afraid of things being different once he got back home to his wife, they weren't...they just got better. Now I don't know if the pre deployment stuff has anything to do with the NC, because it is a very serious thing. There's tons of things to get done before leaving, and there's also the emotional toll it takes on everyone it affects. So that leaves me wondering even more.

[What is available]

Sadly autumnbethesda you are finding out the hard way that you are not a priority in his life but an option. No one is too busy to drop an text, call, or email if they *really* wanted to. People can move mountains when they are truly "in love."

 

I bet you a dinner he will come up with some lame personal or work excuse why he hasn't called or contacted you. The reality is his actions, not his words or promises autumnbethesda.

 

Best of luck. Drop this loser and find yourself a non-married man who makes you a priority, not an option.

 

Completely agree with this post. 100%. It took me a very long time to figure it out for myself and I believed all of his "im so busy at work" excuses, until I found out the "real" reason he dropped out of sight with me was due to him starting another relationship with another woman, also not his wife. His actions speak louder than anything. Good luck.

[autumnbethesda]

Its now been 2.5 weeks. I have not tried to contact him at all as (1) he made a point of saying he would call me on a specific day; (2) pride; and (3) to test how much he wants me as a priority. His actions tell me I'm not a priority and that he doesn't want to follow through with any committment to me - since he's not reaching out, I'm too afraid to reach out to him and get further rejected or be that girl who just doesn't get the hint.

 

I've gone from panic to dispair to clear head to sobbing mess to closure to hope and back again. What I've decided is that he doesn't want to be with me. It doesn't matter why he said what he said, it doesn't matter if he ever had feelings for me, it doesn't matter if he will ever come back. His actions tell me he intends there to be space and he can have it --as not talking to someone for almost 3 weeks is not acceptable to me. I'm not going to be disrepected like this, so I try everyday to not remember him and I focus on living my day the best I can. I have no control over him, so I'm controling my boundaries, my mind and my future. I'm willing myself to banish him from my mind....one day, it will happen. One day, I will stop hoping that he comes back with something real. Wish me luck and thank you all for co-analyzing w me.

[Circular]

I think you're doing a great job!! That's excellent that you've been dealing with this through the right steps. Don't contact him no matter what.

 

I'm sure in his mind he's trying to do the 'right thing', knowing he did the 'wrong thing'. By him going NC he's trying to break the connection/addiction he has with you. Being that I've been there, done that, I know how consuming it can be, how it can take away from all other things in our lives. It hurts, will for sometime with good days and bad days.

 

Keep strong.

[autumnbethesda]

Omg. I literally just got a message from him. I opened it so he can see that. I have not responded.

 

Do I write back and tell him that I'm not interested in ever speaking to him again?

 

Or does that give satisfaction that I'm upset-mad?

 

Or do I just maintain NC and ignore like I am?

 

Ah:hhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

[Jane Deaux]

OMGosh. Care to share what he said, or the gist of it?

[2sunny]

share what he wrote. i think there's no hurry to respond - wait at least three weeks like he did before deciding what you may or may not intend to say to him.

 

i'm interested to hear what excuse he's going ti use - as to why he couldn't take 3 seconds to reach out in the past several weeks... i'm sure he's come up with some drama to make him look innocent.

[janden]

What do you want the outcome of this situation to be if you do reply?

 

Having dealt with MM disappearing on me more than once, I will share what my experience was when he finally magically reappeared and I responded - I was right back on the rollercoaster.

 

I always felt the need to respond because I feel that ignoring people is immature and hurtful. But in retrospect, I was just using that as an excuse to PUT myself back on the rollercoaster as I really wasn't ready to get off just yet.

 

And not only did the R deteriorate even further after each disappearance & resurfacing, I felt even worse because I knew I had given him the satisfaction that I would always fall right back in his arms when he came fishing.

 

Now, if you're not quite done with your R just yet, that's nothing to feel bad about. We all take our own paths at our own pace. Some of us have been back and forth so many times we've lost count. Just be prepared that a response to him, any response, could very well have you right back in the thick of it even though your head might be screaming "never again!" It takes alot of willpower to ignore someone and even more willpower to resist someone you care for deeply, IMO.

 

If you really want to be done, then no response is best. I'm at 3 weeks NC, I've gone NC longer before but I'm determined to make it this time. I just have to. So if history repeats itself and he comes 'round again I plan to ignore him because I HAVE to. Otherwise I know I'm not strong enough to resist him. At least I recognize that now and I will do whatever I have to to make sure I take care of myself this time.

 

Please do the same for yourself.