MinTea Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 So, I never really put too much stock in the whole online dating thing. But I've had an account just hangin' out there just for the heck of it. My profile has been up for about a year, and I had gotten as far as texting a few guys but those convos would soon die. Which, was no biggie to me. I've gotten some messages from this guy that I'm actually pretty excited about. We have so many of the same interests, he's mature for his age (he's 24, I'm 23), he's independent, good looking, just the right amount of nerdyness... We sent messages back and forth everyday for a week, and I met him at a restaurant on Friday. (I was sooo nervous, but I was happy that I got to the table first so I could compose myself. lol) After we ate our dinner we just stayed at the table and chatted for a good 2 hours! (I'm sure our waitress was kinda pissed at us because the place got pretty full for a bit.. but he's not a drinker so I didn't want to offend him by suggesting we move to the bar.) I felt pretty good afterward, and was happy that I had the courage to go on this blind-ish date. Never did that before. We added each other on Facebook and he messaged me later that day. He wrote that he had a great time, and now that I've gotten a feel for the kinda of person he is, he had something important to tell me that I should know... He is divorced. He was apologetic for not telling me in the first place, but he's afraid of people judging him too quickly. He says that he usually is very against keeping secrets. He didn't leave me with any details of his divorce, other than he says it was not his fault. But he gave me an invitation to ask all the questions I need to. I just feel very confused now. I think my brain got hit with a baseball bat, but I really shouldn't take it so hard. I know, I just met him. It's just so weird... I mean, I really REALLY appreciate his honesty, and I"m glad that he filled me in. That must be something very difficult to carry around. Especially for someone in our age group. I would have never imagined coming across this sort of situation at the age I'm at now. This sounds more like the life of my aunt in her mid 40's who has been divorced (her husband cheated on her) and now she's looking for love again. I can understand the difficulty for this guy hashing this out to me because I'd imagine other girls my age running off all freaked out. I don't really feel that I have the right to ask about his divorce/past marriage though... Even if he IS inviting me to ask. It seems rude, and the details really shouldn't be any of my business. Unless he had a kid somewhere... That I think would be the deal-breaker for me. Anyway, What are the right questions to ask him? I don't want to pry. Or should I just be satisfied with the information I have? I do want to hang out with him some more. I think I'd be missing out on a great person if I reject him on a part of his past which he has no control over now. Or am I being too naive? Anyone have any advice on how I should move forward from here? Thank you very much!
gaius Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Just ask him what happened. Let him talk for a while and then take it from there. It's not rude since he invited you, and it's obviously weighing on your mind. There are a million reasons that might have led him to getting married at such a young age and then divorced. Not all of them would rule him out as being a great partner for you. I think it's at least worth a conversation to see what the situation is.
carhill Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 The telling part will be how he accepts responsibility for his role in the failure of his M. When one gets divorced, it's easy to re-write the M and make it the ex'es 'fault', but true health comes from looking in the mirror and viewing oneself with a critical eye. So, ask the questions and listen. Accept what you hear as his truth and decide whether it matches up with what you believe to be healthy for you. Good luck
Jazzari Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 I was divorced at 22. Sometimes people make mistakes and I don't think you should judge them harshly for it. I married again several years later and it was a long and happy marriage. I wouldn't discount this man just because of the divorce. Three things I would want to know: Does he have any children? Not that this is a deal breaker, but you need to know. If he has children they (and his ex) will always be part of his (and your) life. Is the relationship truly over? No lingering feelings or chances that they will get back together. Does he still see her? Is she over him? Why did they divorce? Did he cheat on her? Problems with jealousy? Any other red flags? Hope it works out!
Author MinTea Posted April 18, 2011 Author Posted April 18, 2011 Thanks for the input guys! So I asked him a few questions: Question 1: Is the divorce/ feelings for his past relationship officially over? Question 2: Did the divorce result from infidelity on his part (I know, that one's a little harsh and accusatory... but I would be running for the hills if he said yes to this one.) Question 3: Does he have any children? Answer 1: So the divorce has been finalized for about 5 months, and they separated 2 or 3 months before that. He does not see his ex anymore since she is in Kentucky and he is now in Wisconsin. He says their communication is as minimal as legally possible and he has few positive feelings left for her. Answer 2: No, he did not cheat. They met/married when he first moved down to Kentucky for training in his career. Leading up to his return to Wisconsin, he says he asked and asked to make sure it was ok with her to move. I guess she went along with the notion. She did not admit to him that she could not move to a new city, convinced herself the marriage as doomed and called for a divorce. On his part, he admits to spoiling his ex. "Believe me when I say I treated her like a princess... maybe perhaps that was the problem," he says. I guess I can somewhat understand that. Perhaps she got too comfortable with the attention, and when things got tough (and her man was doing something for himself) she bailed. Answer 3: He has no children. I guess I'm a little less freaked out about the fact that he has been divorced already, but is 7 months enough time to heal? Especially since it sounds like he wasn't the one who called for the divorce. Do you think he's on the rebound?
refurb Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 7 months doesn't seem like that long, but every circumstance is different. I would keep asking questions. HOWEVER, don't talk about it every time you see him. You'll just kill the mood that way. He gave you some answers, so take some time to digest them. Wait a week or more and ask him more questions (if you have them). I think the key here is patience. You won't find the answers you're looking for right away. Observe his behavior, how he talks about it. You'll learn a lot that way. In the mean time, have fun and see where it goes! RF
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