lolo1234 Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Looking back at your relationships, has that first date always been absolutely amazing or at the least "very good"? Looking back all of my relationships, they started out with a date that went very well. I wonder if its worth the time to explore anything further with someone if let's say the first date went "just ok".
zengirl Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 If it wasn't pretty damn good, I didn't go on a 2nd date. So, yes, all relationships started with a good first date. . . . but I don't know that it's impossible for a "just OK" first date to get better with time and more dates. I just don't have the time to devote to find out when so many 1st dates go really well. That said, not all great 1st dates turned into relationships.
somedude81 Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 I think it depends on how many dates you get in a week or something. If guys are just lining up to date you, then only go for the one's who can provide an absolutely amazing date. But if you're a normal person and don't get three dates a week, give the just OK, guy another chance. Maybe he was nervous, or the service was bad. You're not the bachelorette, don't expect to be treated like her.
iris219 Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 All the relationships I’ve had, I knew I wanted to be in the relationship before the first date, so the first “date” had nothing to do with it. I can’t remember the 1st date I had with a man I lived with for 4 years. We just somehow became a couple. We met through friends and it just happened. My next BF was like that as well. I knew we would be couple, so I wasn’t even thinking about dating him (The first time we officially hung out--though we had met and talked before this, of course--I went to his house and we sat on the porch for a couple hours. We were pretty much a couple after this.) I think I have a negative connotation of the term “date,” as in “Ugh, I have a date tonight.” If I’m considering something a “date,” I probably don’t like the guy. (This might be why I haven't went on a date in a long time!) I’ve actually only done the traditionally dating thing with men I hoped I’d start to feel something for. So, good or bad first date didn’t matter. I’ve had great first dates with men I knew I didn’t want to see again. I decide how I feel before the first date.
Author lolo1234 Posted April 17, 2011 Author Posted April 17, 2011 Well I don't have any problem getting dates. I have a problem with the quality of men I'm dating . I need to improve my prescreening process. I would actually prefer to stay home than go on a dud date. But hindsight is 20/20. So I met this guy from OKC for happy hour . He's attractive, intelligent, and can make decent conversation. I wasn't the best date ever because I had alot on my mind that day, I had a limited time to meet up with him and had to get home to my kids who weren't feeling well. But I had already turned him down once and didn't want to say no this 2nd request. I got the sense that perhaps we were right for each other. Just based on how he discussed his previous marriage it sounded like him and his ex wife are super driven professionally, work alot, and that making alot of money is important to them. I strive for a more balance where I can earn a decent living but have more time for myself and my family. So I felt like thi was a pretty big difference between us. Plus it sounds like he just started dating and is very rusty . He made it sound like he hadn't had sex in a few years. Anyways I left feeling like the date went ok, didn't expect to hear from him again but he texted that he wanted to see me again. I said sure. Now I'm just wondering if it'd be a waste of time. I didnt feel the chemistry. Me overthinking is a waste of time. haha. He looks good on paper though!! Lol
Author lolo1234 Posted April 17, 2011 Author Posted April 17, 2011 I think I might be going on dates too soon. Maybe I need to communicate more via phone before agreeing to a date. It does seem like alot of guys want to rush the first meeting thinking it will save them time and they can decide if they want to continue talking. I guess that's the nature of online dating.
zengirl Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Re: nervousness defenses and the like I think a lot of it depends on (A) How well you know what you want and (B) What you bring to the date. If I have a "just okay" date, it's probably not the guy's fault perse. We just didn't jibe. A "fault" issue would be a bad date (if the guy did something inappropriate or was the most boring guy ever or whatnot) but a "just okay" date sort of tells me that this guy is decent but not for me. However, that's only because I feel I know myself really well at this point and I generally have a blast most of the time I go out, by myself or with friends. If a guy can't be at least as much fun as I would be by myself, then why give him a 2nd shot? So, I think you have to set the bar at a reasonable spot (I don't expect a guy to do all the work in making a date fun or great) but if you feel like you've done that and nothing jibed or intrigued you, then you possibly fall into the "Just going out with him/her to go out with somebody" and that seems lame to me and I wouldn't want to be on either side of the equation. That said. . . I do have 3 dates this week (an exhausting prospect! Totally accidental, as I'd say 1-2 a week is usually a full schedule for me) so maybe I'm not the greatest person to ask if you're struggling with that. I need to improve my prescreening process. I would actually prefer to stay home than go on a dud date. But hindsight is 20/20. So I met this guy from OKC for happy hour . He's attractive, intelligent, and can make decent conversation. I wasn't the best date ever because I had alot on my mind that day, I had a limited time to meet up with him and had to get home to my kids who weren't feeling well. But I had already turned him down once and didn't want to say no this 2nd request. See, in this case, I think a lot of it is you. I read a study that says that when a woman cancels on a man or turns down a date, she actually becomes LESS interested (the chemicals in her brain actually form in such a way, this is chemically and neurologically true that it MAKES her less interested) because of it. Weird, huh? At any rate, you'd already turned him down, you were only going out because you felt you should, you had a lot on your mind, you had limited time, and he never really had a chance. Perhaps you just weren't in the best space to date anyway. I suggest not going on dates in that space. Whatever "screening" process you need to get to a good place with how you approach the date, your dates will go better for it. I got the sense that perhaps we were right for each other. Just based on how he discussed his previous marriage it sounded like him and his ex wife are super driven professionally, work alot, and that making alot of money is important to them. I strive for a more balance where I can earn a decent living but have more time for myself and my family. So I felt like thi was a pretty big difference between us. Plus it sounds like he just started dating and is very rusty . He made it sound like he hadn't had sex in a few years. While I do discuss the kinds of relationship I have had and want early on, a first date for these kind of specifics sounds. . . odd and awkward. I can see how this would all put you off. He does definitely sound a bit rusty with dating. Anyways I left feeling like the date went ok, didn't expect to hear from him again but he texted that he wanted to see me again. I said sure. Now I'm just wondering if it'd be a waste of time. I didnt feel the chemistry. Me overthinking is a waste of time. haha. He looks good on paper though!! Lol Only you can decide how to best spend your time. I'd say don't go out with him unless you can get yourself excited about it in some way and in a fun place. But I'd say that about dating anyone!
Author lolo1234 Posted April 17, 2011 Author Posted April 17, 2011 Thanks zengirl, great advice there. I'm thinking that I need to ask more questions prior to that first date about his past relationships and what he's currently looking for. I think that I haven't been asking that question because until recently I wasn't sure what I wanted. I think I'm getting a better feel for what I'm looking for out of a relationship . The fact that I can say I want a relationship is in of itself a revelation.
ASG Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 All the relationships I’ve had, I knew I wanted to be in the relationship before the first date, so the first “date” had nothing to do with it. I can’t remember the 1st date I had with a man I lived with for 4 years. We just somehow became a couple. We met through friends and it just happened. My next BF was like that as well. I knew we would be couple, so I wasn’t even thinking about dating him (The first time we officially hung out--though we had met and talked before this, of course--I went to his house and we sat on the porch for a couple hours. We were pretty much a couple after this.) I think I have a negative connotation of the term “date,” as in “Ugh, I have a date tonight.” If I’m considering something a “date,” I probably don’t like the guy. (This might be why I haven't went on a date in a long time!) I’ve actually only done the traditionally dating thing with men I hoped I’d start to feel something for. So, good or bad first date didn’t matter. I’ve had great first dates with men I knew I didn’t want to see again. I decide how I feel before the first date. Yeah, my relationships mostly started like this as well. I would meet someone through friends, we'd hang out, then eventually we would hang out alone together and things would happen! No "dates" involved! My last relationship was the only I can remember that kinda started with a date, as in we were working together and he asked me to lunch on one of our days off. And he actually had a whole day planned, which I found cute (even though I wasn't really sure I wanted to pursue anything with him) and we ended up kissing a few days later. After that we went on a couple more dates. We kept it fairly casual for a couple of weeks befoe becoming an official couple. Anyway... I think if the date was horrific I wouldn't give it another chance. But if it was ok, good, very good or great, yeah, I think I would, if I thought the guy was interesting.
OliveOyl Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 Well I have started getting interested in a guy where the first date was just "okay." But this was from an online date -- we hadn't messaged a lot before the date so I was basically meeting him cold. There was some difficulty finding the meeting place, so that was nervewracking, and then when I first saw him I also had to process the fact that he looked a bit different than his profile pictures because he had a very different hairstyle. I left that date thinking it was just "okay" even though we'd discovered we had some interesting things in common. I don't really have a lot of opportunities for lots of dates with new men, so when he asked me for a second date, I said "sure." Basically because he seemed nice and there was no reason why not. I was surprised however that the second date went a lot better. And now I'm really looking forward to the next date. So I guess I would say... it depends. Meeting cold from an online date is very different from a first date with someone who you've been getting to know from another social situation.
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