Irishlove Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 I didn't answer the call because I didn't know who it was. I checked the message and it was MM. He wanted to know how I was doing and wasn't sure if I even wanted to talk to him. He said he'd call later. We said our good-byes last week. I thought that meant NC. He knows I'm dying inside because I was crying so hard the last time we talked. This just brings it all up again. He chose her so why see how I am doing? He should be focusing on her. Does he get off on knowing I'm hurt? Should I pretend everything is just fine and I'm doing great and I hope everything works out and explain this is the last contact?
jj33 Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Irish I dont know your whole story but if you dont want to be the OW anymore then yes tell him goodbye means goodbye and you dont want to be involved with someone who is married and not to contact you again. Its difficult but its easier than prolonging the pain by trying to be "friends". Its different for him to call, he misses you and he may be concerned about you and feel badly that the end hurt you so much. Thats nice but it doesnt really help you get over him. Everyone is different for some people NC works best, others need to let go gradually. Personally I function best when I am not in contact with him. I used to have to be in contact with him on a regular basis. I no longer have to do that due to a change in my job and it has made a world of difference. He has upped his attempts at contact but I no longer have to respond all the time and can limit our communications much more. You will know which path is right for you. I know how difficult it is and I hope your healing process is quick. Its a process so be nice to yourself.
Author Irishlove Posted April 17, 2011 Author Posted April 17, 2011 I know he'd like to be friends but we both know that can't happen. NC is going to work for me. Hearing his voice just made me want to cry and my body went numb. He really does have a good heart and would care if I was ok. That's just him. I will tell him I'm fine to go on with his life. Thank you for your response
donnamaybe Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Should I pretend everything is just fine and I'm doing great and I hope everything works out and explain this is the last contact? Yes, that is exactly what you should do. He does know you are "dying" and could be testing the waters to see if you will be willing to resume the A. If he wants to be with you badly enough, he will come clean with his W and get a divorce. Don't fall for any attempted manipulation.
Spark1111 Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 I know he'd like to be friends but we both know that can't happen. NC is going to work for me. Hearing his voice just made me want to cry and my body went numb. He really does have a good heart and would care if I was ok. That's just him. I will tell him I'm fine to go on with his life. Thank you for your response Good idea! Acting from a position of strength! Think about it: Either he is calling to assauge his guilt for dumping you, or he is hoping to hear you are pining away as an ego boost. Either way, isn't it STILL all about him? Stay strong. Stay NC.
Author Irishlove Posted April 17, 2011 Author Posted April 17, 2011 Thank you (hugs) You are my rocks....lol
donnamaybe Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Good idea! Acting from a position of strength! That's it! Know precisely how you want your life to be and do what it takes to make that happen! You hold the cards for your life, whether you include him in it or not. He holds the cards to his. If he wants you in it, he should respect you enough to do everything the right way so he isn't the only one satisfied with the arrangement.
Flabbergaster Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Don't answer the phone! Why is he calling? Because he hurts, and he wants to feel better by hearing your voice. Isn't that sweet? He has one-tenth the pain you have and he needs a bandaid, so he calls KNOWING it will double your pain. Wait...no...that's very very selfish. That's stabbing yet another knife into you so he can feel better about his stubbed toe. That's showing no compassion or love for you at all, only selfishness.g Don't answer the phone, when he calls again. Hit IGNORE so it goes right to VM. Delete the voicemail before listening to it. That would be showing yourself that you can and will do NC, to get better. He'll figure it out. If he keeps trying...hitting ignore will make you stronger, you'll be proving that you can move forward. If you answer it to tell him not to contact you...well you've just established a conversation with him. This would reward him for ignoring what is best for you. Which means he'll just call back YET again, at a later date. The fact that he can control you and force you into a conversation will trump the fact that your words are saying "please don't do this." Take control...and hit ignore. You only asked him for one thing in this life...to let you go so you can recover. If he's not willing to give you that, you shouldn't waste your time by answering the phone.
Author Irishlove Posted April 17, 2011 Author Posted April 17, 2011 I was on the other line and it beeped in and didn't show me who it was. So I clicked over cause I was done and I hear his voice. Shhhhhat! I wasn't expecting it that early on. I didn't say much. I said you made your choice and you need to respect me to let me go on with my life. He said I can't do this. I can not be without you. I don't know what it is. I'm trying to give my marriage everything but all my thoughts go back to you. She knows things are not good and she knows I'm thinking of you. Again, I said "you made that choice and I really do hope she makes you happy and with me out of the picture maybe that will come easier". I could hear he was crying in his tone but he wouldn't do it out loud. He asked if we could talk again if he got 'our' phone turned back on. Pretty much wanting things to go back the way they were. I said that's not going to happen because it won't make it easier for you to work it out with her. She got an extension on the divorce 90 more days. I told him he had the chance to have me which included my children. He is done with his family and it will be just him and her. I said you do not want another family and start all over. I told him it stops my recovery when he calls. It's hard enough to give up what I thought could be and who I thought he was. I asked him to please focus on his marriage and if he hears I'm dating to stay out of it because this is a choice he made. I KNEW he would be back in touch. I'm like his addiction. I said if you wanted me you could have made it and you didn't. He didn't like that. I said I love you with all my heart but I'm letting you go. You need to work on it without me. He said goodbye I love you. and I said good bye. I stayed as strong as I could. I don't think he will be ready to move on unless I start a huge arguement. Does that sound crazy? It's like he needs a reason to hate me. Should I do that?
bentnotbroken Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 I was on the other line and it beeped in and didn't show me who it was. So I clicked over cause I was done and I hear his voice. Shhhhhat! I wasn't expecting it that early on. I didn't say much. I said you made your choice and you need to respect me to let me go on with my life. He said I can't do this. I can not be without you. I don't know what it is. I'm trying to give my marriage everything but all my thoughts go back to you. She knows things are not good and she knows I'm thinking of you. Again, I said "you made that choice and I really do hope she makes you happy and with me out of the picture maybe that will come easier". I could hear he was crying in his tone but he wouldn't do it out loud. He asked if we could talk again if he got 'our' phone turned back on. Pretty much wanting things to go back the way they were. I said that's not going to happen because it won't make it easier for you to work it out with her. She got an extension on the divorce 90 more days. I told him he had the chance to have me which included my children. He is done with his family and it will be just him and her. I said you do not want another family and start all over. I told him it stops my recovery when he calls. It's hard enough to give up what I thought could be and who I thought he was. I asked him to please focus on his marriage and if he hears I'm dating to stay out of it because this is a choice he made. I KNEW he would be back in touch. I'm like his addiction. I said if you wanted me you could have made it and you didn't. He didn't like that. I said I love you with all my heart but I'm letting you go. You need to work on it without me. He said goodbye I love you. and I said good bye. I stayed as strong as I could. I don't think he will be ready to move on unless I start a huge arguement. Does that sound crazy? It's like he needs a reason to hate me. Should I do that? Wouldn't it just be easier to change your number?
Flabbergaster Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 WOW that was intense. I am so impressed by your strength. You did great. Bent is 100% great idea here; change your number. Maybe change all your contact info asap. I don't think he will be ready to move on unless I start a huge arguement. Does that sound crazy? It's like he needs a reason to hate me. Should I do that? My advice would be a very firm "no." Evade and avoid, do not confront. If you argue, you are encouraging him to contact. You are engaging in discussions with him. He might see this as permission to continue to argue, to prove you wrong. He might bother you even more, so he can make you admit he is right and you should be happy with his crumbs. Avoid, ignore, evade, repeat. You've asked him to leave you alone already, no more repeating. If it gets more personal, don't hesitate to file a restraining order. You already warned him by asking him to leave you alone, repeatedly.
AlaFlower Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 I was on the other line and it beeped in and didn't show me who it was. So I clicked over cause I was done and I hear his voice. Shhhhhat! I wasn't expecting it that early on. I didn't say much. I said you made your choice and you need to respect me to let me go on with my life. He said I can't do this. I can not be without you. I don't know what it is. I'm trying to give my marriage everything but all my thoughts go back to you. She knows things are not good and she knows I'm thinking of you. Again, I said "you made that choice and I really do hope she makes you happy and with me out of the picture maybe that will come easier". I could hear he was crying in his tone but he wouldn't do it out loud. He asked if we could talk again if he got 'our' phone turned back on. Pretty much wanting things to go back the way they were. I said that's not going to happen because it won't make it easier for you to work it out with her. She got an extension on the divorce 90 more days. I told him he had the chance to have me which included my children. He is done with his family and it will be just him and her. I said you do not want another family and start all over. I told him it stops my recovery when he calls. It's hard enough to give up what I thought could be and who I thought he was. I asked him to please focus on his marriage and if he hears I'm dating to stay out of it because this is a choice he made. I KNEW he would be back in touch. I'm like his addiction. I said if you wanted me you could have made it and you didn't. He didn't like that. I said I love you with all my heart but I'm letting you go. You need to work on it without me. He said goodbye I love you. and I said good bye. I stayed as strong as I could. I don't think he will be ready to move on unless I start a huge arguement. Does that sound crazy? It's like he needs a reason to hate me. Should I do that? OMG, it makes me cry. Too intense. You must be very strong, I would have died in the middle of such a convo. But you are right - he made his choice. He had a chance and blow it. That's what he decided.
scaredinlove Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 My exMM called m after almost 2 years of silent not sure why,but I didn't want to find out, all I did was tell him what a jerk he is and tell him to never ever call me again and a bunch of other stuff I had stuck in my chest. After that I spend 2 months feeling anger and pain and hurting all over again.Now I fell so much better. I am also glad that is out of my life anf hopefully for good, I never want to see him or har from him again. Just move on it will be hard but you will find someone that deserves your love. Don't fall for MM hot/cold game. My exMM did that to me and I thought he loved me , but I was confused what love is. I suffered so much but time makes it better. I also found someone that really appreciates me and I can call any time of day and night and go on vacations and walk around without fear of been seen.Soeone that has my best interest on his heart, Ex MM just thought of himself. It is funny that after being in an affair I learned to appreciate simple things in a relationship, Things we take from grated . You deserve better and you will find better just let MM go and move on to better grounds. It is hard but once you moved on you will be much much happier. Good luck and stay strong
whichwayisup Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 Hey Scared, long time no see. Great to hear that you've met someone and are happy, you've come such a long way and been through so much! Makes me to know you have someone special who you don't have to share. Flab, great post! I said I love you with all my heart but I'm letting you go. You need to work on it without me. He said goodbye I love you. and I said good bye. Well, I hope he respects your decision and leaves you alone. If he calls, don't answer. If your call waiting goes off and you're not sure who it is, don't answer. They can leave a message.. Or if you do answer and it's him, either hang up and remind him there is NC and he must respect your wishes, then hang up.
Author Irishlove Posted April 18, 2011 Author Posted April 18, 2011 It is very hard. I'm doing the best I can. I think I actually have a date too. With an old friend.
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