watermelonjuice Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 A guy pissed me off by being sloppy with his texts while trying to set up a date. While we had agreed on a day, it was still up in the air as to where and when it would happen one day before it was supposed to have happened. So I sent him a text to say since it seems that it's not going to happen, I have made other dinner plans. I also explained to him what I was unhappy about. He apologized and tried to set up another day for it. I was going to be busy so I said no, partly also because I don't buy his reason for the tardiness. He told me to let him know when I would have the time. It's been a week and I haven't heard from him. I know he said to let him know when I could make it but shouldn't he try harder? Was it because he couldn't be bothered or he saw no point in contacting someone he was afraid would bite his head off? Also, is the ball in my court or his?
MarlyStar Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 He apologized and tried to set up another day for it. I was going to be busy so I said no, partly also because I don't buy his reason for the tardiness. He told me to let him know when I would have the time. It's been a week and I haven't heard from him. I know he said to let him know when I could make it but shouldn't he try harder? Yours. He tried to rectify the problem, you blew him off. He accepted that and said let me know. And you've never let him know. After the let me know email, you should have said, "How about Tuesday at 7?" But you are playing games, setting him up so if he really cares, he'll pursue harder. Since he's not pursuing, but respecting, you don't know what to do. Is he playing games too? Or is he intimidated? Or what? You can't have a relationship by texts and email. You have to pick up the phone and TALK to one another. And many problems like these just vanish.
Author watermelonjuice Posted April 17, 2011 Author Posted April 17, 2011 Yours. He tried to rectify the problem, you blew him off. He accepted that and said let me know. And you've never let him know. After the let me know email, you should have said, "How about Tuesday at 7?" But you are playing games, setting him up so if he really cares, he'll pursue harder. Since he's not pursuing, but respecting, you don't know what to do. Is he playing games too? Or is he intimidated? Or what? You can't have a relationship by texts and email. You have to pick up the phone and TALK to one another. And many problems like these just vanish. No, I'm not playing games, or not consciously. It's not that I don't know what to do but I feel that if he really wanted to go out, he would have asked again after not having heard from me. Afterall, he was at fault, not me. Why didn't he?
MarlyStar Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 No, I'm not playing games, or not consciously. It's not that I don't know what to do but I feel that if he really wanted to go out, he would have asked again after not having heard from me. Afterall, he was at fault, not me. Why didn't he? I think most people who play games don't realize they are doing it. That's why those disclaimers: No Game Players, on OLD sites are meaningless, people think they are just doing the natural thing when they are playing games. If he really want to go out he would.... He told you he wanted to. He made attempts to make it happen. You rejected him, so he put the ball in your court. The game you are playing is not in what you claim to want to do--set up a time to go out. This is not hard. You say you want to go out, he says he wants to go out--so why haven't you gone out? Game playing. You aren't REALLY trying to set up a time to go out, what you are REALLY doing is gauging his interest level. You are saying one thing and doing another. If you really wanted to go out with him you would have answered his text with a time and date, a counter proposal. If he had trouble with that, you would have picked up the phone and discussed it. "Monday, is monday good for you? No, how about Tuesday. I'm buy Wed, how about thursday. Thursday it is." You say it's his 'fault'. But what 'fault' does he have? That he was vague at first and messed up the setting of the time and date for the initial. But communication is a two way street. You didn't pick up the phone and clarify either. Neither of you made it clear. So now instead of setting up a date you are punishing him. You are not going to text until he does--even though he left it in your court. You are determined not to set a date--otherwise you would have made a counter offer already. He's going to do it, and he's going to do it RIGHT, dammit. And until he does, he's not going to hear from you. Except he called you out--fine you don't like how I set dates, you do it. Now he's laying low waiting for you to put your money where your mouth is, and you're laying low judging how sorry he is, how responsible he is for taking the blame, and how interested he is. You are going to lose this one. No date is going to be made unless YOU make it.
Author watermelonjuice Posted April 17, 2011 Author Posted April 17, 2011 Okay, but are there guys out there that have continued to pursue even after the ball was in the women's court? Or none of you felt it was worth it?
Velociraptor Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Is all that matters how hard a guy pursues you? Do you even want to go ut with this guy?
Velociraptor Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Okay, but are there guys out there that have continued to pursue even after the ball was in the women's court? Or none of you felt it was worth it? Is that all that matters?
oaks Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 It's been a week and I haven't heard from him. I know he said to let him know when I could make it but shouldn't he try harder? The ball was in your court, and very clearly so, but after a week of you not hitting it back it's bounced out of play. He was trying to reschedule the date, but you seem to have been obstructive to that. I doubt that he's expecting to hear from you, having concluded that you didn't really want to date him after you cancelled the first time. He now has another story to tell about how girls are flaky.
MarlyStar Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 If what's important to you is how hard a guy pursues, then date one goal or someone like him--and good luck to you. Are you going to take no responsibility for the problem? While we had agreed on a day, it was still up in the air as to where and when it would happen one day before it was supposed to have happened. So I sent him a text to say since it seems that it's not going to happen, I have made other dinner plans. I also explained to him what I was unhappy about. So you were unhappy about how he behaved, let him know but never gave him a chance to rectify the problem BEFORE you made it impossible to rectify by canceling the date and setting up other plans. He apologized and tried to set up another day for it. I was going to be busy so I said no, partly also because I don't buy his reason for the tardiness. So no he tries to rectify the problem and address your complaint, but you PURPOSEFULLY make it hard for him because you didn't 'buy' his reason for tardiness. He knows what you are doing--even if you are denying it to yourself--and he did what any self respecting person would do. He called you on your game and put the ball in your court. He wanted a date; you SAID you wanted a date, but you really want grovelling. He's not going to grovel. He made reasonable attempts to please you, you blocked his attempts for dubious reasons, and he's waiting on you to decide what you want to do. Do you want a date which he will give you, or do you want groveling, which he won't. If you want a date, give him a call and set up a time and date. If you want groveling, leave him alone and examine why you expect guys you don't know well and have nothing invested in you to jump through rediculous for you. You think he's at fault for this snafu--but you are equally at fault. Decide what you want, and if it's a date, contact him and let the other stuff go.
SingVoice Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Is this an online dating guy? Have you even ever MET this person before? Because if you haven't...and you are trying to get him to pursue you...that's just dumb. (sorry but it is). Why would he pursue you the way you want if he has never met you? One thing to realize is that in the beginning of the relationship people are finding out how the other works. You told him you didn't like the way he did things...and then you expect him to chase after you? And he put the ball in your court and you STILL expect him to chase you? At this point I would say its pointless. If you let a week go by and you didn't say anything...he probably moved on.
Confusedalways Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 The ball was definitely in your court. He'd have looked like an idiot and needy if he kept trying to pursue you after the things you said to him. That being said- I would thinking contacting him after a week would be worth a shot... you've got nothing to lose. A simple "are you free on tuesday at 8" would show you if he's still interested in going out with you.
Crazy Magnet Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 At this point you are going to have to take the initiative if you want to see him again. As a woman, I would next a guy for doing what you have done. You have not demonstrated that you are interested in him. In fact, you have done quite the opposite. If you are interested and want to see him again you need to call him with a specific time and place in mind and suggest that to him. It might be a good idea to have two times in mind in case he already has plans. Like everyone else said, if you pick up the phone and actually call someone dating becomes much easier.
veggirl Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 You sound a bit mean and scary Just contact him and ask if he's still up for the raincheck, and suggest a day. See what happens.
daphne Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 water, I don't think you sound deliberately mean, but I do believe you are misguided and have unrealistic expectations from dating. I definitely believe you were playing games by making plans because he didn't tell you what and when you were going out. If I understand correctly, there was a commitment to go out that day. Sometimes, people do get busy. If he flaked out the day of, then you have your answer. Case in point, I did the same thing your guy did. I have an incredibly stressful job at times, and I was busy. And he put it on me to choose the place and I hadn't had time. So he texted me that he had made other plans, even though I had verbally committed to our date on a certain day at a certain time. I just hadn't had an opportunity to check out a place for us to go. I told him that I had committed and apparently we had a miscommunication. He suggested we try again next week, I agreed. However, truthfully I was completely turned off at his preemptive strike and lack of flexibility. If we had dated a few times and it was my habit, then sure, write me off. But if your'e going to be a hard ass when you don't know my situation, I think it only gets worse from there. If you can't be a little flexible in the dating stages and avoid being a pursued princess no matter what you do, you're in for a very bumpy ride I think.
Author watermelonjuice Posted April 22, 2011 Author Posted April 22, 2011 water, I don't think you sound deliberately mean, but I do believe you are misguided and have unrealistic expectations from dating. I definitely believe you were playing games by making plans because he didn't tell you what and when you were going out. If I understand correctly, there was a commitment to go out that day. Sometimes, people do get busy. If he flaked out the day of, then you have your answer. Case in point, I did the same thing your guy did. I have an incredibly stressful job at times, and I was busy. And he put it on me to choose the place and I hadn't had time. So he texted me that he had made other plans, even though I had verbally committed to our date on a certain day at a certain time. I just hadn't had an opportunity to check out a place for us to go. I told him that I had committed and apparently we had a miscommunication. He suggested we try again next week, I agreed. However, truthfully I was completely turned off at his preemptive strike and lack of flexibility. If we had dated a few times and it was my habit, then sure, write me off. But if your'e going to be a hard ass when you don't know my situation, I think it only gets worse from there. If you can't be a little flexible in the dating stages and avoid being a pursued princess no matter what you do, you're in for a very bumpy ride I think. I figured by now he would have thought the same way you thought and felt, being turned off by me getting pissed off already. So as much as I would have wanted to go out with him, I don't think it would work. I wasn't intentionally playing games; game playing is a waste of time IMO. I just don't like to be made to think that I was being played even if he didn't mean to. That's why I said to live and learn in my case.
Author watermelonjuice Posted April 22, 2011 Author Posted April 22, 2011 Basically I wasn't intentionally playing mind games or did I plan to be mean. There was a bit of history between him and I. I've known him for a while being he asked me out. All along when we were friends, he was prompt with his texts and promises so when he did what he did while arranging the date, it didn't sit well with me. You'll probably say I'm too harsh with this but I don't deal well with people I perceive as flaky.
dressing up Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 You should probably cut others some slack when you have people to date. Just saying.
Star Gazer Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 I've been in a nearly identical situation many times, as have my girlfriends. Our practice is all the same. If I have vague plans ("Let's do something/get together Friday"), and I haven't heard from him by about 4 p.m. on the day-of regarding what-when-where (during the date-invite conversation, he usually says that he'll touch base later to firm up-details), I make other plans, and tell him as soon as those other plans are made.... BUT I don't make it sound like I am upset or angry about it. That said, I don't think it's very respectful to make anyone wait until the last minute to decide on a plan - the what, when, and where. So I have no qualms with making new plans if I haven't heard from him by a reasonable hour. And quite frankly, the guys haven't seemed to upset when I did that, either. They all expressed regret and understanding, and immediately tried to make it up to me. He told me to let him know when I would have the time. This meant the ball was in definitely in your court. My practice would have been to check in with him pretty soon after the date that didn't go forward (like the next day), to let him know what day(s) the following week I was free to try again. In my experience, 95% of the time, he picked one of the available dates and made a concerted effort to make firmer plans.
Author watermelonjuice Posted April 23, 2011 Author Posted April 23, 2011 I've been in a nearly identical situation many times, as have my girlfriends. Our practice is all the same. If I have vague plans ("Let's do something/get together Friday"), and I haven't heard from him by about 4 p.m. on the day-of regarding what-when-where (during the date-invite conversation, he usually says that he'll touch base later to firm up-details), I make other plans, and tell him as soon as those other plans are made.... BUT I don't make it sound like I am upset or angry about it. That said, I don't think it's very respectful to make anyone wait until the last minute to decide on a plan - the what, when, and where. So I have no qualms with making new plans if I haven't heard from him by a reasonable hour. And quite frankly, the guys haven't seemed to upset when I did that, either. They all expressed regret and understanding, and immediately tried to make it up to me. He didn't sound too upset. He only seemed apologetic and was a litte surprised that I couldn't make the other days he suggested. I think by then he could tell I wasn't thrilled by his tardiness. That's my question (not playing games) but if they aren't upset that their tardiness have led to the demise of a date, that suggests they aren't keen in the first place, no? This meant the ball was in definitely in your court. My practice would have been to check in with him pretty soon after the date that didn't go forward (like the next day), to let him know what day(s) the following week I was free to try again. In my experience, 95% of the time, he picked one of the available dates and made a concerted effort to make firmer plans. I'm sure he would have been more "cooperative" if I had gone back and suggested a new day. At that point and for a while I was too angry to do that. Now I guess it's too late. I'm not sure he would want to hear from crazy again.
Star Gazer Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 He didn't sound too upset. He only seemed apologetic and was a litte surprised that I couldn't make the other days he suggested. I think by then he could tell I wasn't thrilled by his tardiness. By then, he probably decided you were being a little unreasonable and probably thought you were being a harda$$ by denying all the other days. That's my question (not playing games) but if they aren't upset that their tardiness have led to the demise of a date, that suggests they aren't keen in the first place, no? Depends on the guy. Some guys understand the value of others' time, and will understand that you made other plans and be disappointed in themselves and that a date fell through. Other guys don't understand the value of others' time, and will think you're being an unreasonable, controlling biatch for acting the way you did. This is true regardless of how keen they initially were. I'm sure he would have been more "cooperative" if I had gone back and suggested a new day. At that point and for a while I was too angry to do that. Now I guess it's too late. I'm not sure he would want to hear from crazy again. Why were you "angry"? At best I get annoyed. It's not worth the energy to get angry over something like this.
mogul Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 There are many reasons why the original date never happened, genuine or otherwise. However, ball is in your court. You blew him off, and said you'd let him know. There are so many women out there. Any guy that values his pride would not try to contact her again, short of there being a real connection prior. There are just so many women out there.
Author watermelonjuice Posted April 23, 2011 Author Posted April 23, 2011 By then, he probably decided you were being a little unreasonable and probably thought you were being a harda$$ by denying all the other days. Depends on the guy. Some guys understand the value of others' time, and will understand that you made other plans and be disappointed in themselves and that a date fell through. Other guys don't understand the value of others' time, and will think you're being an unreasonable, controlling biatch for acting the way you did. This is true regardless of how keen they initially were. Why were you "angry"? At best I get annoyed. It's not worth the energy to get angry over something like this. Oh, "angry" might have been too strong a word but not having heard from him for a few days at length made me insecure about his intention to even go out since we were talking most of the time before arranging the date. There are many reasons why the original date never happened, genuine or otherwise. However, ball is in your court. You blew him off, and said you'd let him know. There are so many women out there. Any guy that values his pride would not try to contact her again, short of there being a real connection prior. There are just so many women out there. There was a real connection and (I know I'm going to get flak for this) that was why I was a tad surprised he didn't try harder to revive it.
orangelady Posted April 23, 2011 Posted April 23, 2011 No, I'm not playing games, or not consciously. It's not that I don't know what to do but I feel that if he really wanted to go out, he would have asked again after not having heard from me. Afterall, he was at fault, not me. Why didn't he? This always happens to both women and men probably because both parties don't want to seem too eager or despo, thanks to a lot of men out there who always think women who seem too eager are cheap, etc so thats why women are always at lost as to what to do.
Author watermelonjuice Posted April 23, 2011 Author Posted April 23, 2011 This always happens to both women and men probably because both parties don't want to seem too eager or despo, thanks to a lot of men out there who always think women who seem too eager are cheap, etc so thats why women are always at lost as to what to do. Thank you. It's not that I believe that I'm completely free of blame. I'm not proud of what I did. I just don't know anymore how to gauge interest and after so many heartbreaks, my ego has learned to want to keep itself from bruised.
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